To have frugality fatigue. (Cost of living.)

You sound lovely. Unfortunately when we have been to skint to go out for a meal (which is always) my parents and brother still go out without us. I once dropped a birthday present round and they were all ready to go out for something to eat and I couldn't go. Cried all the way home after that one.

I do have one lovely friend who is doing OK for herself and she is so kind and treats me to lovely things. I just feel shit that I can't repay the favour.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I am sorry for your situation which is not of your making. I believe Thatcher destroyed the collective psyche in this country. Its all about grasping and getting and money. The kindness has gone. The daft little playgroups with tea and biscuits for 50 p. Churches and kindly older folk welcoming strangers. A hand on a shoulder, somebody bloody noticing.
Once you are out of the loop , you can't get back in again.

Manifesting....utter nonsense. Along with " fighting" illness.

Just read your newly reappeared post @MistressoftheDarkSide. It sounds like you've been through the absolute wringer.

I think you are right. Taking big risks when you don't have a cushion is a perilous affair that can't be mitigated with a positive outlook, faith in a paint-by-numbers story arch or an attempt at manifesting 🙄

Twice in two weeks I've seen that Rich House/Poor House programme concluded with the poor house deciding to mimic the rich house and take a stab at property development and it brings me out in a cold sweat. How can people who are living on beans and in rented accommodation with children to care for cover the overheads if they end up with tenants who fuck over a house, or have a home languish on the market because the interest rates go nuts and buyers go AWOL, or they buy a doer upper and the amount of work required is grossly underestimated?

These are the risks that those with money can make because it's a risk taken within a package of other projects, with savings in the bank, security in their own home, a network of knowledgeable friends at their fingertips.

It's nuts.

I really hope for all on here struggling things get better soon

I have been there and in just a slightly better position now (unless a big bill comes my way) and it’s absolutely draining. I can’t afford a holiday and I think working full time just a short break it is something I should be able to do

Im not sure it is a mindset when you have to consider constantly about money you are spending

the simple answer is wages need to I xrease we can’t all be high earners. I’m in management so have moved up but my wage still just covers basic living costs and no I do not have expensive tastes

You need friends and support, only you cant afford to keep friendships alive when you are saying no can do at every invite

Perhaps friendships which need funding aren't worth having. I'm so sick of this absolute rampant consumerism everywhere. Special birthdays, Halloween, Easter and of course the Landfill Fest which is Christmas.

Ah, I've been unhidden - thanks @MNHQ 😁 I shall try to remember not to keep making that mistake 😅

You were right!

Four letters, rhymes with Emu? 😁 Let's see..

It's a well known online retailer from abroad. Referenced as part of a long personal slightly oversharing ramble that was cathartic and may or may not be pertinent lol.

@Happilyobtuse - thank you, your reply made me tear up. I am holding on that this is all just temporary. DH is looking into retraining and he home educates our 3DC, so at least he is kept busy and not just sat with nothing to do. Trying to stay positive that it will all come good.

@suki1964- thank you, it really is the cost of friendships, unfortunately, and I like to gift as well. I would like to do Secret Santa with DH family, but knowing them it wouldn't be acceptable "oh but we already bought your gifts" arrrgghhh. DH would gift them nothing,and tell them we are skint, but it feels awful to me. I am looking at doing homemade gifts again- banana bread, chocolates, jams this year. Just saw a recipe for Apple Butter, so might try that, friend gifted me some apples, so might return them in the form of Apple Butter. I have some jars collected from throughout the year, so at least that expense has been covered.

Really OP's thread is about the grinding you down that poverty causes, the lack of choice, not ways to make dhal taste better! When you are scraping pennies together to buy food that will fill tummies for longer, every penny counts.

I am currently only eating one meal a day, so there is more food for the DC. It's bloody miserable. I have perfected the art of being busy at breakfast and lunchtime, so I don't have time to eat so the DC and DH don't question it - "oh I'll get something later" is my response when they ask if I'm eating, and then I just don't eat until dinnertime.

It's fucking depressing when I'm working so fucking hard too. 😫

What is the T word?

Trump? Tosser? Twat? Turd? Tit?

T word? I missed the post and have no idea which t word would be verboten? We can say twat, tit, twerk, thundercunt ... Hmmm, I'll have to think on it.

I said the "T" word again. If my comment gets unhidden, all will be made clear. Algorithms. Spam. Bots. Did I mention how much I hate technology. And yes, I'm using it. Sigh.

Been thinking alot about this thread and one thing that some people may not realise is the impact of bureaucracy when you're in challenging financial situations.

If you're entitled to state support, depending on the level, you're constantly under the eye of Financial Big Brother, with the constant fear that if you piss him off, even unintentionally, your "income" can be changed or stopped and throw any carefully planned budget into turmoil.

If you're in debt, sorting it out is endlessly seeking help, advice, and trying to achieve a solution that avoids bailiffs. I know this - currently trying to get a DRO myself.

Chances are for alot of people, being in the frugal club might be down to a series of unfortunate events - the first domino that fell for me was my DP dying unexpectedly. I'll hold my hands up and admit our future financial planning had been piss poor, but nobody truly expects sudden death from virtually symptomless cancer. And on here, anyone posting about worrying and planning for such things might be advised to seek therapy for anxiety.

For the first year, I thought I would be able to survive with my retail business, but doing it solo while grieving was too much to cope with. By the end of year 2, when I wound it up, I was in debt because despite the writing being on the wall, people cheerleading me had convinced me it wasn't the fault of Temu etc that was plainly killing my business, it was just my lack of resilience and enthusiasm. I wanted them to be right, and they meant well, but another year further on, I do wonder what I and they were thinking.

It's interesting that a few people have touched on vaguely law of attraction mindsets. I was definitely trying to "fake it till I made it" and it backfired massively. The thing about this sort of concept is that if it's not working, it's perceived as "your own fault" in some way, and that can be pretty damaging to the psyche.

Back to bureaucracy - in the last three years I have had so much to deal with, that inevitably I hit that burnout point where I couldn't face it. Which has lead to a period where things have got worse. I'm coming out of it now, and have acquired a kind of zen / numbness where I just plod on and hope fir the best.

I've got geriatric roulette with 5 balls in active play at the moment - yay for both being only children from broken homes. Today I'm off to support my Dad with admin stuff. Yesterday I went to see MIL (very end stage dementia yet with the apparent resilience of Cher and cockroaches) for whom I hold LPOA in her care home.

Now I'm not trying to garner sympathy, I am actually trying to get to a point. I know, if I want my current situation to change, I need to be proactive. Retrain? Find a new niche ? I'm 55 and hope I've still got some years of use left in me. However. External forces seem to stymie my efforts at every turn. And to accumulate, you have to speculate. If you're on your uppers, that's off the table unless you are willing to sacrifice everything that brings you joy and comfort on the altar of jam tomorrow.

I now know that sometimes today is all we have. I also know that I have to be frugal. I can't keep up with my peer group any more. They are kind and supportive and will buy me drinks or meals, but rightly or wrongly I have my pride.

Being poor in our brave new world isn't just about lack of money, it's about lack if choice, lack of freedom, lack of inclusion.

When I was younger in similarly tight situations I had youth on my side. I could believe that things would improve. I've never been more than relatively stable and briefly comfortable, and sometimes not close to that. Now I feel much more insecure, as I'm not the ideal employee in general terms, even if I could get to a point where I could properly focus on my own future.

Anyway sorry for the ramble. I'm trying to say, I suppose, that while I am grateful in some respects for the basic security I currently have (touches lots of wood) and I'm "lucky" it's just me and my cat, it's really not just about the dhal, at all...... and I truly empathise with those trying to do their best with children to consider - solidarity and strength. I hope things get better soon.

@Happilyobtuse , Universal Credit is structured in such a way that it is guaranteed that claimants will be better off working. Firstly, anyone with kids or a health problem won't lose a penny of the first £404 per month that they earn, and only 55% of earnings above £404 will be deducted from their UC.

I agree that this is not necessarily the case for people on legacy benefits, especially if they get PIP or have a child who gets DLA, but the number of people on legacy benefits is reducing quite rapidly now that they have started migrating people on ESA and tax credits.

Very, very few.

@BunnyLake

I don't see that @Neurodiversitydoctor's medical specialism is relevant to the thread. That other poster's questioning of her was bizarre - it was as if she thought she was objecting to the posts about coconut milk on medical grounds rather than it being an irrelevance and distraction to the issues that the OP and others like her are facing.

Doctor of what? I noticed the other doctor asked what your speciality was. I’m curious myself now.

Good luck OP.
I hope and believe things will begin to get better x

Thought I'd mention the Too Good to go app. They have things like supermarket grocery bags for a few pounds and Starbucks and Greg's bags for around the same price to collect

Sadly some of them financially are better off on benefits, as the are not paying childcare, rent etc. while people who are working are! That is the travesty of this country. If they weren’t better off it would be fair, and I think the past government has tried with universal credit but there are still a lot of ppl on benefits who have more disposable income than those in full time work.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's incredibly risky to roll the dice if you don't have much in the way of security.

Absolutely agree that eeking tends to get you no where fast. Dh is most miserly man I’ve ever known and I’ve learned to he the same. Both on low incomes so by necessity really. We never have the time, energy or imagination to do anything about the situation tho. So caught up looking for bargains and make do and mending that we don’t actually live. What’s worse however is that if we had the real drive to improve our situation we could no doubt find better paid employment. I think you get so tired, so worn down and so ingrained in the thrifty living mindset it becomes inescapable. We’ve had opportunities to ‘speculate to accumulate’ but been too nervous/cautious to take them. You’ve made me think about it now. It’s not a happy thought.

I dont do Christmas pressies for friends and family, just the grandchildren

Martin Lewis nailed it years back, you buy someone a bottle of wine, they have to spend the same on you - BUY YOUR OWN BLOODY WINE , stop stressing people out.

Ok so I do lie about pressies, I do have to by mum something ( guilt ) and me and Mr S spend no more then £10 on each other. - its amazing what you can find for that much when you know a person well. Mr S is happy as a pig in shit with tubes of glue for his crafts for example . Although I have been known to get him thermals or a beanie

My Christmas pressie list is minute, card list - I get spare stamps from a six pack. Cards are for family we dont live near - so five, Everyone else gets a FB greeting. Grandkids we do buy what they need - clothes wise, we dont buy toys and we save and I buy during the year in the sales. Sure the daughter is struggling as well, has more coming in then us, but three kids, rent top up etc so she relies on us for school shoes and winter coats for the wains so she can give them a Christmas. I refuse to use credit unless its interest free and I had the money saved anyway. Ive just had to buy a new sofa, the bottom is out of this one, and Ive been paying off monthly and it wont be completed till I make that final payment at the end of this month - I ordered it in January

I had a big birthday this year and a few friends spoiled me. Now the pressure is on me to reciprocate and its really stressing me. Im holding on to the mantra Ive always used - Christmas isnt your birthday, we arent celebrating you - so I can in my head keep it small and "a token"

More stresses on a very tight budget, more worries to keep a person awake,

And the worse thing about being so broke that every penny counts? You need friends and support, only you cant afford to keep friendships alive when you are saying no can do at every invite. eventually the invites dry up and before you know it, that circle that gave you some relief - its gone or its the same two or three in the same boat, and then theres no fresh input, its same old, same old, and the life is sucked out of that as well