Page 7 | Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

Lucy20333 · 2024-10-26T15:27:21+00:00

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter. I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her. One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom? My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

pumpkinandparrot · 26/10/2024 17:55

Turnups · 26/10/2024 16:49

You are being over-dramatic with your "aching hole inside". You sound like a very demanding and emotional person. I think your mum might find it quite wearing. I would.

This. Batshit crazy.

Katesam2016 · 26/10/2024 17:55

LizzieBowesLyon · 26/10/2024 17:00

I’m not a hugger. I’ll cuddle my children but one of them is VERY huggy and it’s often just attention seeking and gets on my tits frankly. I’ll save up for his therapy!

This. My 7 year old dd has hugged me about 659 times so far today so yes I would tell her to wait if I was just about to eat my dinner (not that me telling her to wait stops her from doing it anyway 😂)

Doingmybest12 · 26/10/2024 17:54

I think you need to decide if your relationship with your mum is good enough and gives you some of the things you need. Most people are just doing their best amd some fail alot or a bit or some times. It would be lovely if she could give more or in the way you'd like but you might have to accept this is it and kearn to live with it.

Flippityflipper · 26/10/2024 17:53

Hadalifeonce · 26/10/2024 16:34

I am with you on this OP, if my DD is upset/crying, I will drop anything to comfort her. She knows I will always be there for her.

This 100% my mum would not make me wait for a hug and likewise with my own children however old.

Lavenderflower · 26/10/2024 17:52

It hard to say - it quite possible she was feeling overwhelmed herself. I am not a hugger and I wouldn't ask a hug from my mum now.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/10/2024 17:49

Sounds very transactional, doesn't it?
People don't normally need to ask for hugs from loved ones when visibly upset.
OP said her mum stopped acting as a mother to her a long time ago. That's the answer, really, sad as it may be. OP, live and learn. I can relate, my mum doesn't hug me and I can't even remember the last time she showed affection to me (and I do everything for her).

I'm sorry you felt so vulnerable when you needed her. It's hard to accept. 💐

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 26/10/2024 17:46

ObtuseMoose · 26/10/2024 16:51

I think distancing yourself and feeling unsafe is a massive overreaction if this has only happened the one time.

No as others have noted, there’s a lot more to this… my moms always been very demanding and guilty tripped me… I look after her more than she does me.. I’ve just come to a point now I’ve had enough but still have a heart…read my other responses thanks.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 26/10/2024 17:43

I suspect the mother would tell a different story here. Would your mother consider you rather overly dramatic and needy, OP?

Sluj · 26/10/2024 17:39

In the nicest possible way, do you break down and cry often OP?
Just trying to work out your mum' s muted reaction

diddl · 26/10/2024 17:38

I think the fact that you asked for a hug shows how "off" everything is.

If you have to ask there's not really any point is there?

I wouldn't ask as I'd rather not have a hug that had to be asked for!

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 26/10/2024 17:31

katepilar · 26/10/2024 16:48

Sounds like perhaps she was anticipating that giving you a hug will evolve into a hugging session that was perhaps too long for her as she knew she needed to eat first?

Doubt it… she was staying with me at my house and I was actually cooking and looking after her at the time… and so what if it did turn into a hugging session in my mind if people asked for more hugs and hugged more instead of arguing the world be a much nicer place.

OP posts:

blubberyboo · 26/10/2024 17:12

Context is everything but reading this it seemed to me that she didn’t want to give a hug that wasn’t freely given. In other words it felt uncomfortable to her to give a hug because you asked for it. She probably only gives hugs when she feels it is appropriate /needed and initiated by her. It probably felt unnatural and therefore not beneficial to either of you. Some people are like this and can come from uncomfortable experiences in the past- could be something simple. Maybe she thought you were better to self soothe for a while.

Either way I think you are overthinking it

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 26/10/2024 17:11

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2024 16:58

Yeah, some mums aren't very good at it. Mine wasn't, and it taught me how I didn't want to parent. Not her fault - she had an extremely traumatic childhood (world war 2 etc). But she too loved babies and not the children they grew to be. It's what some mums are like, OP - and it isn't anything wrong with you, it's her. You aren't being overly-dramatic, and the lack of maternal love does leave an aching empty hole inside. Alas, many fill this with people-pleasing and fawning, as you seem to be doing.

The harsher responses on this thread aren't picking up that this was something in a long line of somethings. and really, they should.

Because a decent parent would never act that way. I would never wait 2 seconds if my son asked for a hug. Even as an adult he will, if he's upset. Come to think of it, I wouldn't wait 2 seconds if anyone asked for a hug when they were upset, let alone my own child - adult or not.

Peg Streep and Karyl McBride both have great books on how to heal from an unloving mother, and you can find them both on Facebook, where they post free stuff.

Very helpful response thank you. Yes there’s a lot more to it than just this episode and now I’m getting to the point I need to set some very healthy boundaries as I don’t feel the love I give is the same back. I am a people pleaser so find it hard and when she cries because I say no I feel guilt as I do love her. Trying to balance being a good daughter with not being taken advantage of and hurt more from what in already carrying from my childhood and to ensure I can grow to have healthy relationships with others as mom gets jealous of all my friends and gets so upset if I don’t invite her to all my own social events. Thank you.

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MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/10/2024 17:10

Wow, 83% of people think you're being unreasonable. That's surprising. I can't imagine ever refusing my dd a hug when she needed one, at any age, unless there was some sort of vital safety issue that meant I couldn't. And I can't imagine my mum ever refusing to give me a hug either.

A hug takes, what, 5-10 seconds? Are 83% of people really that emotionally distant from their kids that they can't put aside their own priorities for just a few seconds to give some much-needed comfort to their child?

No wonder we have a mental health crisis in this country when so many parents have this attitude.

jackstini · 26/10/2024 17:06

I totally get the upset. When you're down anyway and been vulnerable enough to break down in tears, you need the hug right then and there! Not like you were in the middle of anything

You shouldn't have even had to ask. I would be straight up to hug my dd (or mum, sister etc.) and they would be the same to me

Hopefully she just was a bit clueless and didn't realise how much you needed it

Hug here 🤗

OrwellianTimes · 26/10/2024 17:02

Lucy20333 · 26/10/2024 16:50

Thanks. That’s a really nice response and love to think that was the case. Totally get the need to eat on time as I’m like that.

But she was just sitting there whilst waiting for dinner to be cooked for her by me.

Unfortunately, there’s lots gone on over the years where I feel emotionally neglected, like not having proper quality time, but when I say no to going to the pub to pull men she plays guilt trips and cries. When she has a boyfriend she won’t let me stay over with her but she’s always wanting to stay at my house and I had her stay at mine for 2 months with my boyfriend when she split with her ex. But the same was not reciprocated from her. I feel I nurture her more and she isn’t even a mother but more like a friend that takes more than gives.

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This doesn’t sound like a very normal relationship dynamic to be honest. Sounds like everything is on her terms.

GettingStuffed · 26/10/2024 17:00

I don't really like hugging and neither does DD the last time I hugged her was 18 months ago when her grandmother died.

However if she's a hugger this is weird.

LizzieBowesLyon · 26/10/2024 17:00

I’m not a hugger. I’ll cuddle my children but one of them is VERY huggy and it’s often just attention seeking and gets on my tits frankly. I’ll save up for his therapy!

MinnieCauldwell · 26/10/2024 16:58

I have to admit I don't get on with huggers, just makes me uncomfortable sometimes, doesn't mean I don't care. Some people will endlessly hug all around them but deep down they dont really care.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2024 16:58

Yeah, some mums aren't very good at it. Mine wasn't, and it taught me how I didn't want to parent. Not her fault - she had an extremely traumatic childhood (world war 2 etc). But she too loved babies and not the children they grew to be. It's what some mums are like, OP - and it isn't anything wrong with you, it's her. You aren't being overly-dramatic, and the lack of maternal love does leave an aching empty hole inside. Alas, many fill this with people-pleasing and fawning, as you seem to be doing.

The harsher responses on this thread aren't picking up that this was something in a long line of somethings. and really, they should.

Because a decent parent would never act that way. I would never wait 2 seconds if my son asked for a hug. Even as an adult he will, if he's upset. Come to think of it, I wouldn't wait 2 seconds if anyone asked for a hug when they were upset, let alone my own child - adult or not.

Peg Streep and Karyl McBride both have great books on how to heal from an unloving mother, and you can find them both on Facebook, where they post free stuff.

burnoutbabe · 26/10/2024 16:54

I can't imagine cooking a meal for someone (mum or partner) and chatting then feeling upset and asking for a hug and them actually saying "no -you carry on cooking then serve me my dinner first"

That is odd behaviour from your mum.

ObtuseMoose · 26/10/2024 16:51

I think distancing yourself and feeling unsafe is a massive overreaction if this has only happened the one time.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 26/10/2024 16:50

MontanaPink · 26/10/2024 16:39

I think this could have been a misunderstanding. I think maybe she wanted to devote time to the hug and time to comfort you properly. Her immediate need was hunger (never underestimate how much you need to eat on time when you get older!). I think that you meant that you needed a hug immediately.

I would talk to her about it. It’s exactly the kind of thing my mum would have done and I know how much she loved me. And I also know how much she needed to eat on time.

Thanks. That’s a really nice response and love to think that was the case. Totally get the need to eat on time as I’m like that.

But she was just sitting there whilst waiting for dinner to be cooked for her by me.

Unfortunately, there’s lots gone on over the years where I feel emotionally neglected, like not having proper quality time, but when I say no to going to the pub to pull men she plays guilt trips and cries. When she has a boyfriend she won’t let me stay over with her but she’s always wanting to stay at my house and I had her stay at mine for 2 months with my boyfriend when she split with her ex. But the same was not reciprocated from her. I feel I nurture her more and she isn’t even a mother but more like a friend that takes more than gives.

OP posts:

Turnups · 26/10/2024 16:49

You are being over-dramatic with your "aching hole inside". You sound like a very demanding and emotional person. I think your mum might find it quite wearing. I would.

GetTheFormDone · 26/10/2024 16:48

As long as I was in decent mental health, I would give my daughter a hug at any age.