Page 3 | Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:42

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 09:32

It’s the ‘healthy, natural norm’ for some people. Others simply don’t like physical touch, and will prefer other ways of comforting someone. Someone else’s distress isn’t going to be helped by a hug given by someone hating every second.

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I think you're missing the point, which is that a a caring response to seeing someone close to you in distress is to comfort them.

If unable to cope with hugs, instead a mother could say something deeply loving, caring and comforting, e.g. that she isn't able to hug, but cares very much and loves her daughter. Rather than switch the focus to her meal.

Clearly the mother in this situation hasn't learned this, but that doesn't mean a daughter needing a mother's love is somehow "demanding".

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 09:37

@PinkBlouse - exactly

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 09:32

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:10

It's not "demanding," it's the healthy, natural norm. What's not healthy is someone not having the natural instinct to hug someone better and comfort them. It's confusing and hurtful if you're upset and people close to you do not respond by comforting you.

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It’s the ‘healthy, natural norm’ for some people. Others simply don’t like physical touch, and will prefer other ways of comforting someone. Someone else’s distress isn’t going to be helped by a hug given by someone hating every second.

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:26

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 09:23

@Appletreepots - we don't all behave in the same way actually. It's good to understand that.

As a psychologist, I do understand that. However, it's important that people who don't comfort people who are clearly distressed and clearly express what they need understand that this can be very hurtful and confusing.

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 09:23

@Appletreepots - we don't all behave in the same way actually. It's good to understand that.

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:10

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 08:23

I'm not sure as I'm not a hugger but would find it strange someone demanding a hug. Quite self absorbed.

It's not "demanding," it's the healthy, natural norm. What's not healthy is someone not having the natural instinct to hug someone better and comfort them. It's confusing and hurtful if you're upset and people close to you do not respond by comforting you.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 09:03

SauviGone · 26/10/2024 16:37

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

I’m confused.

Is this something that happened when you were a small child?

Because this is not normal behaviour for an adult child.

No I am an adult. My mom has always been a demanding person of me emotionally…wanting me to not live away from her at uni, will cry to guilt trip me to come out with me and my friends as she doesn’t want to be home alone etc… causing me issues when trying to study for exams or even call me at my job leaving emotional voicemails or calls to discuss the divorce to me she going through with my father, staying with me at my home, etc etc… then when tables are turned the same emotional or nurture support is not reciprocated.

That is what this is about. I cried on this occasion as grandma very ill, grandad just died and was overwhelmed by that and all the calls back and forth to hospital about grandma reminds me of grandads passing and what went through (still raw).

So had a little cry and asked for a hug but she refused and said after dinner. After dinner came and I still never got the hug.

As @Barezvizar picked up, this is way more than just her refusing to give a hug.
It’s about her abuse of my emotional support I gave her for 20 years then her emotional neglect and lack of support for me.

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Cuppasy · 27/10/2024 08:59

Far better for you to build these boundaries now before you settle down and have a family.

In fact moving away a distance that suits you could be good too.

Your mother is the type that would want to stick her nose into your family life if you had children.

Expecting to be an honoured grandmother involved in everything.

Get your boundaries in NOW. Firmly established.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 08:49

ToyFace · 26/10/2024 16:44

I think the context of her not being that maternal makes all the difference here. If she was otherwise very affectionate you probably wouldn't have felt too bad about the odd refusal or delay of a hug here and there. Maybe your mum was exhausted. Or maybe she was all touched out or something. So in isolation I wouldn't worry about it though I guess in the moment it must have felt very bad.

I'll always comfort my kids when they are upset but sometimes I do have to cut short a hug or say later, please, when we are in the middle of something or getting late. Especially before school the kids love to give very, very long hugs (like 5 min) and we don't hqve time for that. My younger one loves stroking our faces (which is like getting affectionately punched by a little bear) and as much as I love sometimes i just don't want him to and I do tell him. I think it's important for him to learn that you need to respect when other people say no to physical touch.

Edit: I didn't realise this happened when you were an adult. The other stuff you wrote about using you to hit on men is quite bad but as an adult I do think you need to learn to take other people's boundaries not so personally. But then again maybe it hurt more because of your history together and her lack of affection in the past.

Edited

Thanks for this.
It is totally more about her lack of affection, or rather lack of emotional support, but even more so how demanding of my emotional support she has been over the years but not reciprocated. I wouldn’t mind if she was totally emotionally independant and let me get on with my life easily since I was a teen but she’s not been easy. Always tried to control where I go what I do and influence where I live so that I stay close to her when alone but then not allow me to stay with her when she had a BF but I let her with me.

The hug request was just an example I wanted to give without really boring everyone by going into too much detail but I was very upset as my grandmother ill and grand father (fathers parents) not long passed away.

Never got the hug even after dinner BTW. But it’s not a problem as I’ve made my own way and know how to love myself and have a wonderful BF and we love support eachother evenly. But even without him I am just recognising how toxic and one way my relationship is with my mom and how I need to make changes so as not to grow resentful and our relationship becomes damaged for good.

I can’t change people but I can change my life, circumstances and how I respond to others.

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Cuppasy · 27/10/2024 08:46

OP, so sorry you have received so many nasty responses.
Typical MN, some posters love to give a kicking by being deliberately obtuse🙄.

It is absolutely clear from your posts that yours was a highly neglectful childhood, with all the confusion and sadness that being forced to adult a parent brings a child.

Several posters have mentioned reframing your relationship with her on your terms. I agree.

Your mother is one of life's takers, that will not change, you certainly will not change her.

What you can do is start to slowly change yourself.
You do not owe your mother the type of demanding relationship she wants.
You can choose to see a lot less of her.
You can choose to not have space for her to stay in your home.
You can choose to see her irregularly and NOT at your home, meeting for a coffee etc..
You can refuse to EVER go to a pub with her again.

I think some counselling would be very good for you.
You sound like a great young woman who had a really hard childhood.

Consider doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries and people pleasing.
This will help you learn what a loving respectful relationship will look like for your future.

You do not owe your mother a relationship with you, remember that.
As a child you had zero choices but now you do.
Selfish mothers like yours think their children are there for their convience, and not independent adults with the right to make their own different choices.

I think pulling back, taking some time and space is an excellent idea for you.
This will give you time to reflect on your past relationship with her and what YOU want your future one to look like.

You have zero obligation to include her in your social life and I think it is deeply unhealthy that she thinks she is entitled to this wheneversuits her.

So yes, you should see a lot less of her and see what YOU want from the relationship.

You have had many years of being controlled by her.
That time is over now.

YOU can make very different choices for YOUR future.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 08:36

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 08:10

Great response again 😃These sort of answers and advice is exactly what I was looking for thank you so much. Pretty much all you said is what I’ve been thinking and I just needed a wise word to remind me it’s ok and how I’m dealing with this is right.

I’ve stopped responding to negative or emotional blackmail texts and don’t answer calls anymore I text first to a missed call to suss out the reason for the contact. If the responses are positive I’ll respond.

I am a very private person and don’t agree with airing dirty laundry in public so would not even tell my friends about this as they know my mom and it’s not fair to discuss it. Plus I think people close to you can just tickle your ears sometimes and I think brutal honesty from an unbiased person is very helpful.

I totally get what you’re saying about no contact and I will totally would do that if absolutely necessary.

So happy for you that you managed to resurrect a healthier, more positive relationship with your mom too.

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That's perfect, OP - simply ignore the negative, and keep reminding yourself it's not your fault and her issues/life are her own responsibility to sort out.

Very important to also remember that you are not responsible for her happiness.

There can be a reversal of parent/child dynamic so they key is stepping completely away from this and establishing a more neutral friendship, because she'll never be the parent you deserved and it's hurting you to not be the (adult) child.

But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy some aspects of her personality and still see/chat to her and have a lovely relationship. You might find she worsens as you start to put boundaries in, (and you stop reacting how she expects you to) but stick with it.

I think a lot of posters struggle to understand what it's like growing up with an emotionally unavailable/self absorbed mother and the deep scars it can leave you with - but there is hope and with time you'll feel empowered and positive.

Yelloworangetomato · 27/10/2024 08:32

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 08:23

I'm not sure as I'm not a hugger but would find it strange someone demanding a hug. Quite self absorbed.

These ^^

These responses are wild 😳

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 08:23

I'm not sure as I'm not a hugger but would find it strange someone demanding a hug. Quite self absorbed.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 08:10

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 07:48

You sound very self aware and reflective, which is great - it helps so much when you can see things in perspective.

For me, I decided which aspects of my relationship with her I enjoyed, and focused on those.

Exactly as you say, no one is perfect, and as adults ourselves now, we alone are resoinsibke for our feelings and it's no good to hold onto resentment.

I will mention though, in some cases, going no contact is the very best option. It's not cowardly to remove yourself from a person who is continually toxic/harmful to you.

I do hope this is a turning point for you - now you know your mother is not emotionally able to reassure you and leaves you feeling worse, it's easy (in theory!) to simply not ask anything of that nature of her.

My relationship with my mother now - we meet for coffee, lunch, shopping trips, occasionally the theatre, can chat away about the news or a TV programme, but nothing 'significant' - more of a light friendship.

It's positive, we laugh a lot, she hasn't upset me for years, but I know not to expect any motherly-ness.

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Great response again 😃These sort of answers and advice is exactly what I was looking for thank you so much. Pretty much all you said is what I’ve been thinking and I just needed a wise word to remind me it’s ok and how I’m dealing with this is right.

I’ve stopped responding to negative or emotional blackmail texts and don’t answer calls anymore I text first to a missed call to suss out the reason for the contact. If the responses are positive I’ll respond.

I am a very private person and don’t agree with airing dirty laundry in public so would not even tell my friends about this as they know my mom and it’s not fair to discuss it. Plus I think people close to you can just tickle your ears sometimes and I think brutal honesty from an unbiased person is very helpful.

I totally get what you’re saying about no contact and I will totally would do that if absolutely necessary.

So happy for you that you managed to resurrect a healthier, more positive relationship with your mom too.

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Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 07:55

GettingStuffed · 26/10/2024 17:00

I don't really like hugging and neither does DD the last time I hugged her was 18 months ago when her grandmother died.

However if she's a hugger this is weird.

I was crying because of my grandmother who was very ill, I’d not long lost my grandfather so that was also still raw (my fathers parents not moms btw) was very close to them both.

Yes you are right it’s totally weird as she totally does like hugs.
If she didn’t like them I would never asked her for one but I always hug my mom when she’s emotional or sick as it’s what she likes. I just don’t get it back.

I get you. My sister hates hugging has since a child so we greet with kisses on cheeks. Everyone is different and show love differently but weird to demand from me a hug or emotional support but never give it back, especially as a mom.

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Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 07:48

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 06:37

Great answer thank you. Totally agree and that’s where I’m at now, forgiveness and boundary building.

Sorry for what you went through and great work and strength on where you are now.

I have so many people I know who just cut their mom or dad off completely but I just can’t be that cold and cowardly. I recognise just because she’s my mom doesn’t make her superwoman, she’s just an imperfect human like all of us…everyone deserves a chance… I much prefer how you have handled it. Very grown up and with depth.

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You sound very self aware and reflective, which is great - it helps so much when you can see things in perspective.

For me, I decided which aspects of my relationship with her I enjoyed, and focused on those.

Exactly as you say, no one is perfect, and as adults ourselves now, we alone are resoinsibke for our feelings and it's no good to hold onto resentment.

I will mention though, in some cases, going no contact is the very best option. It's not cowardly to remove yourself from a person who is continually toxic/harmful to you.

I do hope this is a turning point for you - now you know your mother is not emotionally able to reassure you and leaves you feeling worse, it's easy (in theory!) to simply not ask anything of that nature of her.

My relationship with my mother now - we meet for coffee, lunch, shopping trips, occasionally the theatre, can chat away about the news or a TV programme, but nothing 'significant' - more of a light friendship.

It's positive, we laugh a lot, she hasn't upset me for years, but I know not to expect any motherly-ness.

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/10/2024 07:35

Asking someone for a hug in the way you describe is totally alien to me. If I said to someone “could I hug you” it would be to see if they were ok with me being in their space and totally ok for them to say “no”. It’s more like seeking consent than demanding a service. If you don’t want to hug your mum at another time then don’t.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 07:29

redalex261 · 26/10/2024 23:48

Yes YABU. Your description of being at your holiday home and becoming "suddenly overwhelmed" after a "bad day" to the point of abandoning a routine task to request a hug from your mother smacks of attention seeking dramatics. Presumably your holiday home is a relaxing environment - how just how bad can the day have been? Barring some major catastrophe you've omitted from your post I suspect not much in the grand scheme.

Maybe your mum is more of s pragmatist and thought "here we go with @Lucy20333's histrionics again, perhaps we can get dinner out of the way first, I'm starving".

Also - your remark about being a hugger in general - not everyone welcomes random hugs and affection from friends and relatives, It may be pleasant for you to to go round dispensing hugs to everyone but some people get uncomfortable.

As for "distancing" yourself because of feeling "unsafe" (when with your non threatening, non violent, non huggy mum) stop reading or listening to whatever self-help resources you are into and check out something about strengthening your emotional resilience instead.

No problems my end with “emotional resilience”.

Mom loves hugs. I never said I go round “dispensing hugs to everyone” that would be weird. I am very comfortable in my own skin, confident and happy to give or take hugs with those I love and close to. But only those who like to. My sister hates hugs but likes kisses on the cheek, I adapt to her. I however do not like random strangers hugging me. I like PDA with my BF but not huge in public or when have guests as think it’s not respectful.

Mom is the one for 20 years leans on me for constant attention in a “histrionic” manner. Like crying to guilt trip me into agreeing she comes out with me and my friends when she’s got no BF. Crying for me not to go to the uni I wanted as it would mean me leaving her behind and alone. Once she got a BF I never saw her at Christmas and wasn’t welcome to stay over anymore even though she always wants to stay at mine (which I’ve always ensured I have bedroom for her whether or not I’m in a relationship but she never had one for me).

I had good reason to cry that day…was over my sick grandmother, I love and respect her dearly.

BTW My mother ate the dinner then never gave the hug she promised and I didn’t ask again. Once I think is enough and I won’t be vulnerable like that with her again.

@Barezvizar gave great advice and has similar experience. Which I will aim to take.

Regarding “strengthening MY emotional resilience” have you looked up what that actually means?

I show vulnerability and cry (which is a normal healthy emotional response with anyone with a heart to what I was going through) and ask (note I did not demand) for a hug from who should be my closest family member - my mother (again normal)…

Mother’s shutdown response and lack of action to my normal request shows coldness, lack of empathy and lack of flexibility in her emotional resilience. Mom shows lack of emotional resilience as she’s only happy to deal with these situations when it suits.

I have no problem with my emotional resilience. I adapt to my and others stressful situations and help them easily mother does not. For past 20 years she only helps herself and as it stands at the moment.

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Yelloworangetomato · 27/10/2024 07:17

The number of heartless mothers here is disturbing.

I would always seek to comfort my children if they were distressed. It sounds like your mother hasn't been able to give you the most stable upbringing so it's no surprise that your emotional development has been affected. Honestly can't believe the number of borderline psychopathic responses here

NiftyKoala · 27/10/2024 07:09

Bournetilly · 27/10/2024 06:49

I thought this happened when you were a child in which case you would not be unreasonable.

I think as an adult YABU, not everyone likes hugs. I wouldn’t want to hug my mum or friends, I’d like to think I will always hug my children but I can see your mums POV.

Sometimes as a mother you get touched out. You feel terrible but it's just how you feel. It seems like a confusing dynamic your relationship. Our parents are not always who we need them to be. Maybe low contact will give you some peace.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 06:52

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 27/10/2024 06:02

No contact

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Know lots who have done this and it’s not something I feel I would do unless I tried everything else first and it got so bad I had to go no contact.

I am distancing myself more and more and only respond to “positive” texts or calls.

She is still my mom and just imperfect human like all of us and still deserves a chance.

@Barezvizar Gave a very helpful response where they have been through similar and has had to grieve, then forgive their mom and rebuild their relationship whilst also building healthy boundaries. This is where I am at and was very helpful advice.

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Bournetilly · 27/10/2024 06:49

I thought this happened when you were a child in which case you would not be unreasonable.

I think as an adult YABU, not everyone likes hugs. I wouldn’t want to hug my mum or friends, I’d like to think I will always hug my children but I can see your mums POV.

Tumbleweed101 · 27/10/2024 06:48

I’ve never been one for hugging but I do when my children really need one but it isn’t really that often. I think I get a little touched out by my job with young children who often climb on your lap or need cuddles.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 06:44

republicofjam · 27/10/2024 06:15

My initial reaction was that you are being unreasonable. However, having read the updates I believe this is less about a hug and more about your mother's highly inappropriate behaviour and expectations of you over the years. This is not a normal parent/daughter relationship and I'm sorry but you deserve better.💐

Yes it’s way more than about the hug, found it hard to write exactly what I was trying to ask without going into deep info I really don’t want to drag up but as I’ve responded to others and they’ve responded it’s helped a lot. Thank you very much for the supportive words and reading between the lines.

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Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 06:37

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 06:26

This is not about the hug.

It's about this: there’s lots gone on over the years where I feel emotionally neglected

My mother was very similar. We have a much better relationship now, and I'm much happier - I had to almost grieve the mother I wanted/needed, put in boundaries, have some space from her, and then re build a relationship.

We get on great now, but I've had to accept who she is and forgive that she wasn't a great mum.

She did the best she could, but I also recognise I deserved much better.

You can move on, best of luck.

Great answer thank you. Totally agree and that’s where I’m at now, forgiveness and boundary building.

Sorry for what you went through and great work and strength on where you are now.

I have so many people I know who just cut their mom or dad off completely but I just can’t be that cold and cowardly. I recognise just because she’s my mom doesn’t make her superwoman, she’s just an imperfect human like all of us…everyone deserves a chance… I much prefer how you have handled it. Very grown up and with depth.

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