Page 2 | Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 16:53

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 16:37

Did I say I wanted to stay with my mom again after she refused me the first time? No

Read my post and other responses.. since divorce with dad she abandoned her role as mother and wanted me to be her pulling partner instead as getting a new BF was her priority more than being a mom.

Don’t stay with my mom she stays with me. Since she refused me that time I’ve never asked again since.

She seeks that comfort in me and always has and I was upset over my grandparent illness and death she was there so I said how I felt and was still shocked at her response tbh as I say she does like hugs and did not expect what came out of her mouth. I guess I still try to see the best in her.

Shes had 20 years to step up now and she’s still neglectful you ask why?

Because she’s just simply not as nice a human being as she could be and a selfish one at that, it’s that simple.

Still hurts as she’s still my mom not a stranger in the street.

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Once she got a BF I never saw her at Christmas and wasn’t welcome to stay over anymore even though she always wants to stay at mine (which I’ve always ensured I have bedroom for her whether or not I’m in a relationship but she never had one for me

Sounds like you previously stayed a lot more than once and were told no once she had a boyfriend hence her telling you that you were not welcome to stay anymore.

You still have not answered the question. Why did you expect her to hug you when she never has before? Were you expecting her to turn into a different person and suddenly become the mother you always wanted.
You did not expect what came out of her mouth by her telling you she would after dinner? You were shocked at this yet you grew up this way?

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 16:48

Cuppasy · 27/10/2024 08:46

OP, so sorry you have received so many nasty responses.
Typical MN, some posters love to give a kicking by being deliberately obtuse🙄.

It is absolutely clear from your posts that yours was a highly neglectful childhood, with all the confusion and sadness that being forced to adult a parent brings a child.

Several posters have mentioned reframing your relationship with her on your terms. I agree.

Your mother is one of life's takers, that will not change, you certainly will not change her.

What you can do is start to slowly change yourself.
You do not owe your mother the type of demanding relationship she wants.
You can choose to see a lot less of her.
You can choose to not have space for her to stay in your home.
You can choose to see her irregularly and NOT at your home, meeting for a coffee etc..
You can refuse to EVER go to a pub with her again.

I think some counselling would be very good for you.
You sound like a great young woman who had a really hard childhood.

Consider doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries and people pleasing.
This will help you learn what a loving respectful relationship will look like for your future.

You do not owe your mother a relationship with you, remember that.
As a child you had zero choices but now you do.
Selfish mothers like yours think their children are there for their convience, and not independent adults with the right to make their own different choices.

I think pulling back, taking some time and space is an excellent idea for you.
This will give you time to reflect on your past relationship with her and what YOU want your future one to look like.

You have zero obligation to include her in your social life and I think it is deeply unhealthy that she thinks she is entitled to this wheneversuits her.

So yes, you should see a lot less of her and see what YOU want from the relationship.

You have had many years of being controlled by her.
That time is over now.

YOU can make very different choices for YOUR future.

Thank you so much for this information :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 16:37

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 13:57

The thing I don’t understand is if your Mum
is all the things you say she us why would you ask her for a hug in first place? Why would you seek comfort from someone who you say has never given it to you? Why do you want to stay with her (when she refuses you due to boyfriend), why if she is so neglectful and selfish ever since you were a child do you actively seek out going to stay with her and ask her to hug you when you know what kind of person she is?

Did I say I wanted to stay with my mom again after she refused me the first time? No

Read my post and other responses.. since divorce with dad she abandoned her role as mother and wanted me to be her pulling partner instead as getting a new BF was her priority more than being a mom.

Don’t stay with my mom she stays with me. Since she refused me that time I’ve never asked again since.

She seeks that comfort in me and always has and I was upset over my grandparent illness and death she was there so I said how I felt and was still shocked at her response tbh as I say she does like hugs and did not expect what came out of her mouth. I guess I still try to see the best in her.

Shes had 20 years to step up now and she’s still neglectful you ask why?

Because she’s just simply not as nice a human being as she could be and a selfish one at that, it’s that simple.

Still hurts as she’s still my mom not a stranger in the street.

OP posts:

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 16:13

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 15:30

Why do women/men stay with abusive partners?

Why do parents continue to love children who have done awful things?

Why do children still seek love from unloving parents?

Human relationships are very complex and multi layered, they're not black and white. Doubly so when it concerns maternal/paternal.

In theory, of course it would be wonderful if we could switch off our emotions and needs with logic; I suspect therapists would be out of a job if we could do so.

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That’s not what I asked. I asked why did she ask her Mum for a hug when she was very aware that her Mother would not be forthcoming because she never has been. This is different than leaving an abusive partner OR having a child that has done ‘awful’ things. Why would you seek comfort in someone who has NEVER in your life comforted you and why would you actively seek out to willingly spend time with a person like this by asking to stay over and being upset when told no.
This is hugely different than a woman caught in an abusive relationship.

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 15:30

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 13:57

The thing I don’t understand is if your Mum
is all the things you say she us why would you ask her for a hug in first place? Why would you seek comfort from someone who you say has never given it to you? Why do you want to stay with her (when she refuses you due to boyfriend), why if she is so neglectful and selfish ever since you were a child do you actively seek out going to stay with her and ask her to hug you when you know what kind of person she is?

Why do women/men stay with abusive partners?

Why do parents continue to love children who have done awful things?

Why do children still seek love from unloving parents?

Human relationships are very complex and multi layered, they're not black and white. Doubly so when it concerns maternal/paternal.

In theory, of course it would be wonderful if we could switch off our emotions and needs with logic; I suspect therapists would be out of a job if we could do so.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 13:57

The thing I don’t understand is if your Mum
is all the things you say she us why would you ask her for a hug in first place? Why would you seek comfort from someone who you say has never given it to you? Why do you want to stay with her (when she refuses you due to boyfriend), why if she is so neglectful and selfish ever since you were a child do you actively seek out going to stay with her and ask her to hug you when you know what kind of person she is?

Lavenderflower · 27/10/2024 12:48

OP, it sound like you have an unhealthy relationship dynamic with your mum -perhaps therapy would help.

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 12:47

Skybluepinky · 27/10/2024 10:50

Sounds like u r thinking of yr own needs not yr mums.

This wins the most ridiculous reply.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2024 12:23

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 10:44

Where does it say I demanded?

I asked her once for a hug, grandmother ill and my grandfather passed recently so still raw, that’s why I was upset.

Mom likes hugs, especially if I give to her when she needs… but she is not one to reciprocate the emotional support she demands ( she does “demand” as she expects it over silly things a teen would and cries to guilt trip me) hence this post as find this all toxic.

But if she was not a hugger for uncomfortable reasons I totally understand what you are saying.

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Clearly, you have a very complicated relationship with your mum with all the background you’ve added.

I think keeping your distance and not relying on her for emotional support is the way to go.

FuzzyGoblin · 27/10/2024 12:23

Do you suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria? It can hugely change how you feel compared to many others and whilst those feelings are valid and genuine ones, it can be hard for others to relate to your reasons why.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 12:17

Sluj · 26/10/2024 17:39

In the nicest possible way, do you break down and cry often OP?
Just trying to work out your mum' s muted reaction

Thank you for the question…No I don’t. The more recent update responses might give you more insight to help understand. Thanks.

OP posts:

downwindofyou · 27/10/2024 11:32

sonjadog · 26/10/2024 17:43

I suspect the mother would tell a different story here. Would your mother consider you rather overly dramatic and needy, OP?

If you read all the OPs comments I think you'll see that the mother is quite a difficult and needy person.

Very much wanting all the care but not really capable of giving any.

downwindofyou · 27/10/2024 11:29

Turnups · 26/10/2024 16:49

You are being over-dramatic with your "aching hole inside". You sound like a very demanding and emotional person. I think your mum might find it quite wearing. I would.

I think she sounds damaged and hurt by years of having had parents split up and then proceeded to fail to parent properly.

Having to take on the role of parent to her mother will have taken its toll.

You sound very hard and uncaring tbh

downwindofyou · 27/10/2024 11:27

SauviGone · 26/10/2024 16:37

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

I’m confused.

Is this something that happened when you were a small child?

Because this is not normal behaviour for an adult child.

You think it's not normal for an adult to want a hug?

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 10:56

Skybluepinky · 27/10/2024 10:50

Sounds like u r thinking of yr own needs not yr mums.

Really? What makes you think and say that without asking more questions? Have you read updates about the background of this matter ?

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 27/10/2024 10:50

Sounds like u r thinking of yr own needs not yr mums.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 10:44

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2024 00:01

Unless you had just received life changing/devastating news then yes, I do think it's unreasonable to demand a hug. Some people are huggers but not everyone is.

Where does it say I demanded?

I asked her once for a hug, grandmother ill and my grandfather passed recently so still raw, that’s why I was upset.

Mom likes hugs, especially if I give to her when she needs… but she is not one to reciprocate the emotional support she demands ( she does “demand” as she expects it over silly things a teen would and cries to guilt trip me) hence this post as find this all toxic.

But if she was not a hugger for uncomfortable reasons I totally understand what you are saying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 10:21

Gemmawemma9 · 26/10/2024 16:45

Wow, some people on here are cold. You’d really sit and finish a meal while your daughter cried in front of you before comforting her?
My daughter wouldn’t even need to ask for a hug.

Totally. I’d have to hug her if that’s how I know my daughter needs comfort.

But I am good at reading people and the room some people don’t show affection/comfort with hugs but with words or other affirmations. Like one of my friends she loves her tea, and would say sit down let me make you a nice cuppa with sugar to help your shock if was her crying about what I was… that’s what I know she’d prefer over a hug as a hug would make her cry even more.

However, playing devils advocate…think where some of them coming from they might have experience with “demanding” children or teens… then the parents do need to set boundaries with them especially when they have other and younger children to look after.

In my case I never got the opportunity to be that “demanding” child or teen as it’s my mom who’s been very demanding of me to support her emotionally since I was young.

Thank you for your message and support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 10:03

ImNoSuperman · 27/10/2024 09:47

As a psychologist, surely you should know that some people have various conditions that prevent them from responding in the way OP expects. Why shouldn't OP understand her mother may be one of them?

She sounds like some people with BPD for example.

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@Appletreepots has got it right.

@ImNoSuperman She hasn’t got BPD.

But she loves attention and me hugging her when she cries… and she loves to cry to just guilt trip me into things… but tries to stop me living my life away from her, but if she has a BF I can’t stay with her but wants to still stay at mine then demanding I give her support but without reciprocating it… and it’s not a sudden or one example… I’ve given this relationship 20 years and this example I’ve given is just that… an example of MANY others.

She definitely got impacted by the divorce with my dad but it’s been 20 years now. How long do you have to wait for a mom to grow up.

OP posts:

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 09:56

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:42

I think you're missing the point, which is that a a caring response to seeing someone close to you in distress is to comfort them.

If unable to cope with hugs, instead a mother could say something deeply loving, caring and comforting, e.g. that she isn't able to hug, but cares very much and loves her daughter. Rather than switch the focus to her meal.

Clearly the mother in this situation hasn't learned this, but that doesn't mean a daughter needing a mother's love is somehow "demanding".

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I think you’re misunderstanding my post. We know absolutely nothing about this relationship, other than what the OP has said, which indicates it is not straightforwardly loving, and that her mother has never been what the OP views as ‘maternal’. Expecting someone who has never met the OP’s expectations of a mother figure to drop everything for a comforting hug (or a loving verbal response) is like going to the hardware shop to buy bread.

My mother isn’t much of a mother, either, but I don’t look to her for comfort, because I would then have to manage her catastrophising on top of whatever I’m upset about.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 09:52

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:42

I think you're missing the point, which is that a a caring response to seeing someone close to you in distress is to comfort them.

If unable to cope with hugs, instead a mother could say something deeply loving, caring and comforting, e.g. that she isn't able to hug, but cares very much and loves her daughter. Rather than switch the focus to her meal.

Clearly the mother in this situation hasn't learned this, but that doesn't mean a daughter needing a mother's love is somehow "demanding".

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@PinkBlouse I do agree and understand what you say but my mom DOES like hugs. Read latest responses it will make more sense… @Appletreepots has read between the lines and also pointing out I wasn’t being “demanding” as others have stated.

In fact it’s my mom who’s been “demanding” for 20 years and this is an example how she withholds that same love I give her, so im mire in the parental role and it’s turned into a toxic relationship I now need to have stronger boundaries with.

OP posts:

ImNoSuperman · 27/10/2024 09:47

Appletreepots · 27/10/2024 09:26

As a psychologist, I do understand that. However, it's important that people who don't comfort people who are clearly distressed and clearly express what they need understand that this can be very hurtful and confusing.

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As a psychologist, surely you should know that some people have various conditions that prevent them from responding in the way OP expects. Why shouldn't OP understand her mother may be one of them?

She sounds like some people with BPD for example.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 09:46

mondaytosunday · 27/10/2024 09:42

No not normal. But man I couldn't stand being hugged by a friend all the time! But if they asked I'd for sure do it, and if my kid did nothing could stop me!

Yeah and don’t hug friends who don’t like hugs BTW. Sister doesn’t like hugging at all so I show her emotional support how she needs when she needs it.

Mom however does like hugs but withholds the same emotional support as you can read from other response updates.

Thanks for your msg.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 09:44

luckylavender · 27/10/2024 09:23

@Appletreepots - we don't all behave in the same way actually. It's good to understand that.

If you read the post and latest responses properly you’ll read I did not “demand” as @Appletreepots points out… but I “asked” for a hug which is normal when upset about a grandmother who is ill and grandfather who just passed.

Hugs and emotional support is something my mom is very demanding of for last 20 years but just does not reciprocate which quite frankly I’m getting to the end of my tether with. I agree not everyone behaves the same way but emotional abuse and neglect is simply not on.

What I’d advice to you is be less judgemental without having all the facts and a little kinder with your words.

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 27/10/2024 09:42

No not normal. But man I couldn't stand being hugged by a friend all the time! But if they asked I'd for sure do it, and if my kid did nothing could stop me!