Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

Lucy20333 · 2024-10-26T15:27:21+00:00

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter. I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her. One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom? My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 02/11/2024 08:51

AndBreatheeeee · 26/10/2024 20:36

I can't imagine my mum not hugging me if I was crying and I'm nearly 50. Equally I always hug my kids. Every day.

I don't think YABU

Exactly this.
I’m 47 and my mum will hug me whenever I ask for it.
If she was cooking or I was, we’d stop what we were doing to hug one another if we asked. I think hugging your children is super important no matter what the age.
I will forever hug my children.
Hugs are human contact and are so important for our mental wellbeing and the happy chemicals they create in our brains and not only that it makes you feel not rejected by the people who love you the most (supposedly).

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 28/10/2024 18:42

honeylulu · 28/10/2024 17:14

Thanks for responding OP. I'm sorry I missed you had answered about the reasons earlier and I had missed that. I'm really sorry about your grandparents.

I agree it's not fair that someone takes more from a relationship than they're willing to give. Worse still, demands more than they know they are willing to give. She's letting you know how she sees your and her places in the pecking order. (My mum is similar, commiserations.)

I feel like I love my children more strongly and enduringly than I expect from them, but i also feel that's how it should be with a mother's love. Yet my mum seems to have it the other way around and I still can't quite get my head around that.

I totally feel you. But you sound like a great mother who is trying not to make the same mistakes ours did so that they will hopefully grow up to be feeling healthy, blessed to have us and lead their own independent lives without doubt they were and are loved unconditionally still no matter what their choice.

I have noticed similar traits in my mothers mom too so I I try to understand but there’s a point where we do have to step away especially when children are around to protect.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 28/10/2024 17:14

Thanks for responding OP. I'm sorry I missed you had answered about the reasons earlier and I had missed that. I'm really sorry about your grandparents.

I agree it's not fair that someone takes more from a relationship than they're willing to give. Worse still, demands more than they know they are willing to give. She's letting you know how she sees your and her places in the pecking order. (My mum is similar, commiserations.)

I feel like I love my children more strongly and enduringly than I expect from them, but i also feel that's how it should be with a mother's love. Yet my mum seems to have it the other way around and I still can't quite get my head around that.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 28/10/2024 14:58

honeylulu · 28/10/2024 14:12

Some people are much more huggy than others (and some aren't huggy at all) was my first response to your OP. I felt a bit suffocated by the idea of someone preparing dinner, suddenly becoming upset and crying and needing a hug.

It might depend on whether crying and needing hugs is a regular thing or if there was an unusual reason. One of my children likes to hug and kiss me almost all the time and I try not to reject her but it does get irritating when I'm busy or all touched out. Likewise I have a friend who gets emotional and cries a lot. I try and sympathise but it does get very draining.

But now you have provided more context your mother sounds like a cold, selfish person. So I'm much more on
the fence. Do you feel she owes you comfort for your crappy childhood?

Don't look to her for emotional comfort. You know she can't or won't provide it. It will only make you feel worse.

Hi, thanks for your message.

I totally understand, if anyone was constantly hugging kissing me I’d find that suffocating. I’ve had those experiences when trying to work or in middle of project and it’s too much.

In answer to your question do I think she owes me comfort for my crappy childhood…

No I don’t think so, I’ve accepted that for what it is it’s done and can’t go back. There’s things I’m disappointed in her with and that questioned morals and standards, many would have cut her off completely… but I have forgiven her, she wasn’t in her best place then and my young childhood until 12 wasn’t bad, it was from then onwards I am now seeing how I’m treated… as also I was looking through the eyes of a youth back then but as I’m older and wiser now I know decisions I make now I can be at peace with.

What I do think is weird and not on is to be demanding of me but not give much back… in ideal world the parent is completely the nurturer we leave the nest and they still support us emotionally, since I’m 12 it feels it’s totally the opposite. I’ve had her live with me more than once etc and she acts like a teenager rather than a mature woman. I’d cook and say dinners ready she’d say she’s not eating now she’s going out but ask me put it in fridge she’ll eat it when she gets back. I soon stopped cooking for her whilst she stayed.

When she wants hugs or attention when she’s been upset I am there. I think she owes me what anyone owes anyone in a relationship, appreciation, love, respect and support back in return. That to me is normal. Mom’s and dad should probably give more but I accept some can’t give it.

I wouldn’t put with any of this from a so called friend so I’m getting to the point of how far should I take this now. What’s the best way to handle it, do I slowly and gracefully keep distancing myself quietly or do I put myself through the likelihood of upset by trying to talk it through… but I’m leaning towards the more peaceful option.

I have copied this from another post to answer your question about why the hug was asked for:

I am usually very “together” always been very independent and a caregiver, often I’m the nurturer and who everyone comes to for help so when my grandmother was ill, I was dealing with that at this time and so found it overwhelming that day as my grandad also just passed also so very raw.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 28/10/2024 14:12

Some people are much more huggy than others (and some aren't huggy at all) was my first response to your OP. I felt a bit suffocated by the idea of someone preparing dinner, suddenly becoming upset and crying and needing a hug.

It might depend on whether crying and needing hugs is a regular thing or if there was an unusual reason. One of my children likes to hug and kiss me almost all the time and I try not to reject her but it does get irritating when I'm busy or all touched out. Likewise I have a friend who gets emotional and cries a lot. I try and sympathise but it does get very draining.

But now you have provided more context your mother sounds like a cold, selfish person. So I'm much more on
the fence. Do you feel she owes you comfort for your crappy childhood?

Don't look to her for emotional comfort. You know she can't or won't provide it. It will only make you feel worse.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 28/10/2024 13:55

YellowRoom · 28/10/2024 12:46

Have you had counselling at all? Asking because it could be helpful to talk about the relationship that you should be able to have with your mum and the one you have actually got. It's so tough to accept this particularly when people who have got to experience healthy relationships cannot comprehend that some parents will not give you what you need.

Thank you, I have tried it yes. Many years ago, I tried counselling and CBT.

Didn't like counselling, constantly asking me questions and dragging up all negative bad experiences which would then drain me for 1-2 weeks.

But maybe long term both the counselling and the CBT has helped me who knows ;)

I am quite self aware and I do recognise I had quite a healthy childhood until I was 12 in comparison to what came later and try take all the good out of it and apply what I liked and felt healthy in my life now.

What I feel isn’t right about my mom, dad or family life I try learn from it and not be that way or apply it.

I prefer to write about how I’m feeling about these things rather than talk, it doesn’t then impact the ones around me, as it’s not heard and it doesn’t drain me.

OP posts:

Mu80 · 28/10/2024 13:40

You too

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 28/10/2024 13:37

Mu80 · 28/10/2024 13:31

Good for you. It takes courage to distance oneself from a loved one. Stay the great daughter/friend as you want to be

Be strong, and look after yourself

Thanks for the encouragement and have a great day.

OP posts:

Mu80 · 28/10/2024 13:31

Good for you. It takes courage to distance oneself from a loved one. Stay the great daughter/friend as you want to be

Be strong, and look after yourself

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 28/10/2024 13:25

Mu80 · 28/10/2024 12:29

Absolutely not... who ever needs a hug, it's a now-need, and anyone who asks for a hug (especially a daughter), should get it straight away. Did she think you would need to be hugged for hours??

My mom was a bit like yours. A bit blunt and not a lot of empathy. She probably didn't do it on purpose, or indeed realised how much you needed it, but it still hurts (my mum changes subject when I announced I got engaged).
Don't cut all ties, she is your mum after all. But do be careful when you are/in need of opening up, as the potential rejection could do so much harm.

Thank you. That is totally my reaction to when someone needs a hug or help of any kind. I can’t even remember when I previously “asked” mom for one.

I am usually very “together” always been very independent and a caregiver, often I’m the nurturer and who everyone comes to for help so when my grandmother was ill, I was dealing with that at this time and so found it overwhelming that day as my grandad also just passed also so very raw.

As mom and I have talked as I’ve got older about things that have hurt me as I’ve started to address them. One thing that stuck in my mind she said her “brain works like a man and I need to be very clear with words what I want as she’s not a mind reader”. So I have never forgot that so spoke out what I felt I needed - a hug.

Usually if I see her or she needs one I am automatically the one to give it to her when she needs, but I don’t have to be asked as I can see when it’s needed. I’m a proactive person, my mom is definitely more reactive and I understand we are different. But this really made me question a lot more about our mother / daughter role.

Mom craves attention more than me, she totally also laps up being complemented, I’m the opposite. I get embarrassed by complements and I don’t like asking for help, I’m usually the one helping others. So she may have been surprised I asked for a hug… but still thought the response was weird and even more so that the hug never came.

When she stays with me we watch movies and I see her cry to sad movies and for others on tv, so shows empathy for characters and feel sorry for them. So I then I think I know she has a heart. But she is not the same in the real world.

So at this time roles are reversed and she goes cold and almost withdraws. It’s confusing as I am automatic to read when she or anyone I know needs love or comfort and don’t need to be asked to provide. I do wonder sometimes if seeing me upset hurts her too much that she can’t cope as I am part of her, but I do know she’s also built differently to me. So trying to understand her better whilst I make the right long term healthy choices for me. I have put others first a lot in the past I’m now at the point in my life I realise I’ve got to look after myself more.

OP posts:

YellowRoom · 28/10/2024 12:46

Have you had counselling at all? Asking because it could be helpful to talk about the relationship that you should be able to have with your mum and the one you have actually got. It's so tough to accept this particularly when people who have got to experience healthy relationships cannot comprehend that some parents will not give you what you need.

Mu80 · 28/10/2024 12:29

Absolutely not... who ever needs a hug, it's a now-need, and anyone who asks for a hug (especially a daughter), should get it straight away. Did she think you would need to be hugged for hours??

My mom was a bit like yours. A bit blunt and not a lot of empathy. She probably didn't do it on purpose, or indeed realised how much you needed it, but it still hurts (my mum changes subject when I announced I got engaged).
Don't cut all ties, she is your mum after all. But do be careful when you are/in need of opening up, as the potential rejection could do so much harm.

pineapplesundae · 28/10/2024 02:51

Well stop taking care of your mom and focus on yourself. It’s okay for you to say no. Sounds like she doesn’t have a problem saying it to you. My daughter is sensitive like you and I know that so when she needs attention from me, she gets it and she’s in her thirties. Feel better!

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 22:15

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Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 21:52

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 17:22

Again, no. It still beggars the question as to WHY you expected her to get up and hug and comfort you when she has NEVER done it. You know what she is like, you lived with it for years yet you expected a different result?
Even someone who is living with an abusive partner would have learned this. This is not about you putting up boundaries with your mother or leaving an abusive relationship, it is about you being so upset because your mother didn’t hug you when you asked her to despite the fact she never has before. How was this such a shock to you that it would leave a gaping hole? The hole was there before. Were you hoping she had a lobotomy and suddenly became the mother you always wanted and swept you into her arms to comfort you when she has NEVER done that before???
Bin her off and stop looking for love that has never been forthcoming. It won’t come.

Show quote history

Wow @Barezvizar this ones aggressive…

@Sweepsthepillowclean If you read my post and responses properly it will make sense to you more, as what you have stated is not factual.

You have said :

“It still beggars the question as to WHY you expected her to get up and hug and comfort you when she has NEVER done it”

I have never said she never comforted me before or that she has not hugged me before. The get up part you also added.

I have made it clear many times she likes hugs.

Very often now in the last 20 years its for when she needs it and on her terms. As you can see from this example.

If you thoroughly read the post and my responses you will read mom and dad separated and divorced. She was a different mom when with my dad until I was 12. She abandoned her motherly responsibilities when they separated and prioritised seeking boyfriends and going out.

It is then up to me and my feelings if I have the heart to still remember the goodness I saw and felt with her for those first 12 years and still give her the chance to be a better person which wouldn’t just benefit me but her and other family members I care about also, but whilst building up healthy boundaries.

If all of us had this black and white “bin them” attitude all relationships be over very quickly, I’d rather create healthy boundaries rather than just “bin her”. If absolutely necessary it was taking too much toll on my life then I would go no contact. But I have so far managed to regain a lot of control of my life back and feel healthier emotionally and mentally.

I get your language is to be black and white and shut people out, that might be your coping mechanism you’ve created from your experience from your bad mother, which is your choice if you want and if you feel it works for you, and is fine as long as it’s respectful, not abusive or damaging to others.

So please be a bit more respectful and less judgemental to me and other posters as there is no need for the aggression towards us. We have not done anything to you, we are not your mom or the cause. We all on here to advice and try help eachother not knock one another down.

Being aggressive just isn’t constructive.

Hope you’re now at peace from your past mother/daughter relationship.

OP posts:

Aliceinmotherland1 · 27/10/2024 20:25

Gemmawemma9 · 26/10/2024 16:45

Wow, some people on here are cold. You’d really sit and finish a meal while your daughter cried in front of you before comforting her?
My daughter wouldn’t even need to ask for a hug.

This. I am so baffled by some comments on here! In no world or situation would I hesitate giving my child a hug whatever their age or scenario… no wonder our world is so messed up if this is how most people think!

LaDamaDeElche · 27/10/2024 19:59

Hadalifeonce · 26/10/2024 16:34

I am with you on this OP, if my DD is upset/crying, I will drop anything to comfort her. She knows I will always be there for her.

This.

Yoonimum · 27/10/2024 19:56

I think you already know your mother is over-relying on you emotionally and practically - even using you - and has for a long time. This isn't a normal mother-daughter dynamic. It's not surprising you feel hurt and very needy at times. I would really recommend getting some therapy to help you manage this.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 18:57

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 18:51

Perhaps your history is intensifying your replies here, as they're neither kind nor considerate, which is unusual for someone who has also experienced abuse.

Someone's age has no relevance for healing or acceptance; it's very judgemental to say that. I think I was early/mid 30s when the penny dropped that my upbringing was not normal, or healthy, and I started to put boundaries in.

Even if someone recognises the truth and feels more empowered at 80 years old, that's still entirely valid.

Show quote history

If she had come on talking about abuse as a whole she would have got kinder responses.
This was about her Mum not giving her a hug on cue. Then we get the drip feed on how her Mum was emotionally abusive.

The question on the thread was Is it normal to have to wait for a hug from Mum until after dinner. That was the question she asked and those are the answers she got.

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 18:51

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 17:47

No, I don’t struggle with empathy having grown up with a horrible mother. I understand what it is like to be abused. What I don’t understand is coming on to MN as a 35 year old woman of a narcissistic mother asking if it is normal to be told to wait for a hug.

Delighted the OP has now got the clarity needed not to get affected by not receiving a hug from her abusive mother and that she can finally see that her mother is not going to change. There will be no more gaping holes and disappointments.

Show quote history

Perhaps your history is intensifying your replies here, as they're neither kind nor considerate, which is unusual for someone who has also experienced abuse.

Someone's age has no relevance for healing or acceptance; it's very judgemental to say that. I think I was early/mid 30s when the penny dropped that my upbringing was not normal, or healthy, and I started to put boundaries in.

Even if someone recognises the truth and feels more empowered at 80 years old, that's still entirely valid.

User37482 · 27/10/2024 18:04

Your relationship with your mum sounds really disordered. She sounds like a fucking vampire.

The hug is the least of your worries.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 17:47

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 17:33

Doubling down on your question doesn't mean it wasn't answered - the complexities of relationships, added traumas of childhood, and the very natural need of reassurance from a parent are very understandable. Even if logically you know there will be more rejection or dismissal.

You never quite lose the hope that things will get 'better' and you might be loved, if you just did X, Y or Z. Until you reach a moment of clarity, like OP has, that it's not going to change.

I wonder if anyone struggling to understand this struggles with empathy generally.

Show quote history

No, I don’t struggle with empathy having grown up with a horrible mother. I understand what it is like to be abused. What I don’t understand is coming on to MN as a 35 year old woman of a narcissistic mother asking if it is normal to be told to wait for a hug.

Delighted the OP has now got the clarity needed not to get affected by not receiving a hug from her abusive mother and that she can finally see that her mother is not going to change. There will be no more gaping holes and disappointments.

Barezvizar · 27/10/2024 17:33

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 16:13

That’s not what I asked. I asked why did she ask her Mum for a hug when she was very aware that her Mother would not be forthcoming because she never has been. This is different than leaving an abusive partner OR having a child that has done ‘awful’ things. Why would you seek comfort in someone who has NEVER in your life comforted you and why would you actively seek out to willingly spend time with a person like this by asking to stay over and being upset when told no.
This is hugely different than a woman caught in an abusive relationship.

Show quote history

Doubling down on your question doesn't mean it wasn't answered - the complexities of relationships, added traumas of childhood, and the very natural need of reassurance from a parent are very understandable. Even if logically you know there will be more rejection or dismissal.

You never quite lose the hope that things will get 'better' and you might be loved, if you just did X, Y or Z. Until you reach a moment of clarity, like OP has, that it's not going to change.

I wonder if anyone struggling to understand this struggles with empathy generally.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 17:22

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 17:00

You are totally missing @Barezvizar point which is totally relevant to your questions.

How do you think it’s different from leaving an abusive partner?

You don’t think a woman can be caught up in an abusive relationship within her family?

It does not need to be a romantic partner.

It can be much worse with an abusive family member or family as they come normally in more than one number and can make the child or adult child feel brainwashed or conditioned to believe their behaviour is normal as it’s all they have known and grown up with… so even more worse as they often are are a “clan” of abusers. It takes more strength to leave and set boundaries with family you were born with than it does with a romantic man you knew a fraction of the time in your adult life.

But it takes one strong person to notice this isn’t right and break the pattern in the family clan.

Show quote history

Again, no. It still beggars the question as to WHY you expected her to get up and hug and comfort you when she has NEVER done it. You know what she is like, you lived with it for years yet you expected a different result?
Even someone who is living with an abusive partner would have learned this. This is not about you putting up boundaries with your mother or leaving an abusive relationship, it is about you being so upset because your mother didn’t hug you when you asked her to despite the fact she never has before. How was this such a shock to you that it would leave a gaping hole? The hole was there before. Were you hoping she had a lobotomy and suddenly became the mother you always wanted and swept you into her arms to comfort you when she has NEVER done that before???
Bin her off and stop looking for love that has never been forthcoming. It won’t come.

Original poster

Lucy20333 · 27/10/2024 17:00

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 16:13

That’s not what I asked. I asked why did she ask her Mum for a hug when she was very aware that her Mother would not be forthcoming because she never has been. This is different than leaving an abusive partner OR having a child that has done ‘awful’ things. Why would you seek comfort in someone who has NEVER in your life comforted you and why would you actively seek out to willingly spend time with a person like this by asking to stay over and being upset when told no.
This is hugely different than a woman caught in an abusive relationship.

Show quote history

You are totally missing @Barezvizar point which is totally relevant to your questions.

How do you think it’s different from leaving an abusive partner?

You don’t think a woman can be caught up in an abusive relationship within her family?

It does not need to be a romantic partner.

It can be much worse with an abusive family member or family as they come normally in more than one number and can make the child or adult child feel brainwashed or conditioned to believe their behaviour is normal as it’s all they have known and grown up with… so even more worse as they often are are a “clan” of abusers. It takes more strength to leave and set boundaries with family you were born with than it does with a romantic man you knew a fraction of the time in your adult life.

But it takes one strong person to notice this isn’t right and break the pattern in the family clan.

OP posts: