To think I should be allowed to have savings?

@Haribosuperstar

i earn similar to your husband. DW earns about £1k a month. It’s all hers to do whatever she wants with. I have no idea how much she does or doesn’t have saved up. I pay for everything (rightly so), I pay into a pension for her and she has more savings in her name than I do because it’s more tax efficient.

I like to know she’s with me because she loves me, not because she can’t afford to leave.

Oh hilarious.

It's financial abuse.

She needs to LTB and get what she's entitled to.

Well, if OP pushes that's going to be the get out of jail card - I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humour!

But the situation is so bad there's no way it can be a joke. If he was oblivious his reaction would have been very different.

I can't follow why married people have separate bank accounts. Good luck OP. It does seem he's got a very one-sided view of your marriage. Sorry I haven't got much that's constructive to say. Show him these replies. I'm guessing he does have a lot of good qualities.

Are you sure he wasn't just joking?

Definitely speak to a solicitor and then calmly explain that you own half of everything and if he doesn't want to make any childcare or maintenance payments you'll be doing 50/50 shared care which means he'll be doing 50% of drops and picks up and the kids spend equal time with him as you.

suddenly earning £190k a year isn't so easy once the housekeeper and childminder 24h 7 days a week isn't available anymore.

He needs to be reminded that you'd be wealthier and more in control of your own finances divorced rather than married to him. It's time to pull back the curtain on his warped and unfair thinking OP.

Sorry it's come to this but he needs to know that he isn't the one holding the puppet strings much though he likes to think he is.

Thank god for modern law.

Absolutely. This man is as much an abuser as one who assaults his wife. Hes financially and emotionally abusive.

Hes a nasty controlling bastard OP. Please don’t think you’re trapped.

I agree this is financial abuse. You need to add up all of your outgoings for the house and children and he needs to pay a proportional amount. Likely 75% because he earns so much more.
You own half of it all, suggest you educate him and tell him that you want access to the shared savings and you want equal spending money every month post bills. Then sit and do the maths together and get it sorted. Or he’ll need to find a way to do 50% of childcare and attempt to keep his £190k fancy job because he is a parent too!!!

Why hasn't your pension had equal contributions.

Yes, this.
I was blabbing after reading the OP's post.
My husband paid for absolutely everything including my pension for 20 years, NOW everything is half way. (He's three decades older).
This is financial abuse.

My friend is in a similar boat in that her DH has over 150k of savings and she has less than 10k, saved when she still worked. She’s been a SAHM for 12yrs plus. So her DH does pay all bills but he’s pretty tight on things like holiday costs, meals out etc. He hasn’t paid anything into a pension for friend. She seems fairly happily married and knows its half hers in event of divorce but in the meantime, they live frugally despite lots of savings. None of which she can have a say in whats spent. I couldn’t live like that

How very financially controlling

But there is no "his savings". If you divorce "his" savings will be considered to belong to both of you and will be split up. Maybe he's thinking that he's saving for both of you? My DH saves for both of us, it's ours'. I'm just trying to find if somehow he isn't the twat he seems like in your poster. I don't understand why you need emergency money if your household has so much money. If your car broke down surely he'd pay for it to be repaired ? If not it's financial abuse for sure. Don't see why he wants you to pay for the children and half the food. He should just pay for everything since it's family money.

You are not being unreasonable but your husband is. Appalling attitude. If you’re going to split the bills then the fair way is to do it proportionately as per your individual incomes. No way should you be paying for half the food shop. You also shouldn’t be paying for wrap around care, incidental child expenses or clubs etc. What’s his pension like compared to yours? If this is his attitude then I’d say he doesn’t see you as a team and is very likely to decide family life isn’t for him and leave you to it with the DC.

He only has his high paid job because of how much you do with the house and the children. He either pays you to do it (at a vastly reduced rate) or he pays professionals and I can guarantee he would not be willing to do that.

Easiest way to stop him having to give you money each month is to have a joint account to which you have full access. See what he says to that.

Calculate the cost of childcare for all your children if you hadn’t stayed at home to look after them and then present him with a bill for 50%.

While you’re at it, calculate your missed pension contributions and bill him that too.

A lot of people making sensible suggestions about joint accounts etc but OP I think he’s very clearly shown you who he is and how he values you, and it’s not good. I’m sorry.

This says everything you need to hear.

Tell him you’re going back to work and the kids are his problem. Get a second job in the evening. He’ll soon change his tune when the house is a shit tip and he’s knew me deep in kids.

Yes.
I married into a very fortunate environment, too.
Everything is half way.
Why does the OP pay for these things, I never heard of such set-up.
🙁

Absolutely this. Appalling bastard of a man.

How has this gone on for so long??? Do your friends and family know about the current setup?

OP get out and get half of everything.

To echo others here - this isn’t normal and isn’t okay. But either you agreed to this at the beginning which sounds crazy or it’s financial abuse.

Either couples share all money in a joint account, or have three accounts with a joint account being the third for all bills, mortgage etc. Also, most couple o know that don’t have a shard account pay a proportion of their salary into the account to cover all the bills for example.

Of he thinks it’s his money he is wrong wrong wrong. Get legal advise and tell me half of everything is legally yours. Then see if he wants to divide more fairly. And since you are doing all the running around, childcare etc, he would have to pay alimony and child support.

You should have a joint account from which all house hold spends come out. So food, mortgage, council tax, fuel, children's activities, childcare, all kids clothing, presents etc. Basically everything except stuff that is just for you or just for your husband.

So when both my husband and I worked full time we both paid into this account. When I stopped working full time due to kids just he paid into this account . And also he pays money directly into my sole account. To top up the tiny amount I earn .

Any savings we have are considered joint regardless of whose name they are in. And we'd delve into either for say a new boiler or having a new kitchen etc .

This.
His attitude. Wow. It’s 2024 not 1924.

This is so wrong OP. You are married, you are a unit. Everything is jointly owned no matter whose name is on it.
Why on earth would the man who supposedly loves and cherishes you want to see you in debt when he’s sitting on a stash?
It’s utterly abhorrent to be honest.

It doesn't make sense that your household is paying finance costs on a car while sitting on £70k savings. It is abusive that your husband thinks he is 'giving' you money for household expenses. You don't even need a joint account, although it would be sensible. The important, and fair, thing is that you both have equal 'personal ' money, equal savings and pensions.