Difficult situation with sister and nephew

I'll never understand someone saying "he's only 3 / 4" etc then using that as a reason not to correct bad behaviour. A 4 yo running around shouting, being disrespectful, hitting etc needs to be clearly told that behaviour is unacceptable. They don't necessarily need to be 'punished' or shouted at depending on context, but they won't learn good behaviour by magic. The behaviour may be fairly typical for someone of their age in a way it wouldn't be for an older child but they are never going to become that well behaved, happy older child if someone doesn't teach them how to act around others before bad behaviour becomes an unbreakable habit.

Yeah sounds good to me 👍

If a young child does something disgusting why can't you tell them it's disgusting? I can never get my head around this. If my kids do something naughty I tell them - that's naughty. I might not tell them off but I always tell them! Why is that bad?

I don’t understand a bit what was wrong about you saying this. It was phrased appropriately- “that’s disgusting”. Not “You’re disgusting”.

So you just made it up then?

It's clear as absolute day to me.

It always is on these forums.

No I don't think being ASD/ADHD means you're a bad person or unpleasant etc etc.

@Tittat50

So, the nephew is 100% Autistic

Where did you get this information? I can't see it anywhere.

It doesn't matter if she gets defensive. She's not more important than your child.

re the cake, if she said it didn't matter and it's not a problem you should have told her to eat it then.

It is disgusting though. Serious illnesses can be spread through spitting. Children need to be taught not to do it and OP needs to protect her child from potential illnesses when someone else spits food out onto his plate.

In an adult, spitting at someone can be a criminal offence. Someone needs to tell the nephew that spitting is not acceptable whilst he is still young enough to listen

No way on God's earth would MIL or FIL have said anything and it wasn't my place.

i don't get this attitude. It is everyone's place if a child isn't being parented, if it is annoying/endangering other people or itself: it is each and every one of us place to point that out and get it stopped.

I was surprised on my last visit to the uk to have put my arm out to prevent a child (about 6) running across a crossing, against the lights, with a car coming - the parent told me to wind my neck in. a parent who was 50 yards away strapping a smaller child into a buggy with no care/thought what the older child was doing. I said something like "you're welcome for us not having to scrape him off the front of that Toyota" and walked off. But i'd do it again in a heartbeat.

@neepsa agreed. It is aggressive. There are better ways of handling that so he learns - and isn't shamed, especially as the boy is also certainly ND.

So, the nephew is 100% Autistic, possibly also ADHD. This makes it a whole other ball game.
Does sister realise I wonder? Accepting this and having him assessed would be a huge step towards changing things.
Does this ever come up in conversation?

Not much you can do if you approach things differently, don't enjoy his company and feel sister won't parent in a way you'd like around your own.

I would personally introduce a discussion regards ADHD/ ASD etc with her. But if you have no capacity or space for that, that's understandable. You can only have some distance for a while so you're less bothered.

Sister is probably tearing her hair out with all this at home.

It's just the people who can't control their own children saying that. The sensible folks know it's nonsense.

Please don't!

That's one poster with a totally opposite and unrealistic opinion to nearly everyone else!

You were perfectly appropriate

Why are people saying that you are wrong for saying that’s disgusting? I would have said the same thing, because it is! The whole point is, is that no one says no and then he has poor behaviour! If he was 2 and doing it, that’s very different. At 4 he should know better. You were very good not to shout!!

I don't know how many 4 year-olds you know, but that behaviour is not usual.

And you are saying to put all the onus on the OP's DC to have his day and time managed when he hasn't done anything wrong!

Yes, I agree the 4 year-old will want to blow the candles but spitting all over the cake isn't normal and his mother should have intervened

well here is one of the reasons it is so impossible to have a fun day out in the UK.

I will always tell a child off for pushing into me, pushing past me, whatever, if I'm in a café and their parent isn't doing their job. ALWAYS. All the children in our family are brought up by all the other people in our family, if the parent is not there or ignores bad behaviour? one of the other adults will do it. And, most likely, pull that parent aside and tell them to pay more attention.

OP, I'll echo others. Invite your parents for Christmas day breakfast. Tell them the invitation is not extended to sister and DN and why. Also your mum needs to be more onside with your dad and firmer with your sister and the child. And, uncomfortable as it is, you need to make it clear to your sister that you are avoiding contact with her child and why. (and also make time for you and your DCs to have time with your parents)

It’s better that he hears it from a calm adult, than the upset child hitting him! If he annoys an older child at school, he could get injured.

The sister and BIL need to teach their child to stop behaving like a little shit.

No, kids don't do disgusting stuff.
Some kids do

That behaviour wouldn't have occurred to my DC or DGC

@neepsa

but it IS disgusting though, nothing aggressive about stating a fact 🤷‍♀️

So what would you have said/done as his mother did nothing and the birthday child was understandably upset?

Aggressive? I really despair sometimes.

You sound like a great mum!

@Ozanj

who does like their food contaminated? You trying to feeling us you would happily eat food covered in someone else’s spit?!