Difficult situation with sister and nephew

Okay that appeared on the wrong thread altogether, I have no idea why!

Who are you supposed to apologise to? Sister wasn't present, child won't remember and BIL deserves to be whacked with a coaster (a heavy one). I suppose you'd better say sorry to keep the peace, but well done OP for standing up for your dog, bless him.

Your sister suggested that your son’s disability caused the problem with her sons shit behaviour - I wouldn’t have her or anyone else who does that anywhere near him, to be blunt.

My mum said my sister had said she doesn't understand why so it is a discussion I am going to have to have soon.

Someone will have to tell her. Surely, the penny will drop sooner or later when no-one wants her around for family get togethers?

You should be honest with your mum. ‘Mum I know yiu find it really hard to be direct about nephews behaviour to your sister, is it really easier to almost never see your family together again and constantly have to make up reasons why? Also, is it fair on nephew who grows older every day?’

So now your poor DF has decided to work on Xmas day to avoid his spoiled daughter and brat of grandson, is it not about time your DM came clean and tell her daughter some home truth, the situation seems utterly ridiculous;.someone needs to tell your sister
that unless the child behaves he will not be welcome.

Although you may have and I haven’t read it, you should tell your sister that it’s putting a strain on your parents relationship because the boy is left to get away with his behaviour.

How about “my children find dn’s behaviour too overwhelming so i thought it best to not meet up this Halloween. Hopefully he’ll have grown up a bit more by next year.”

polite honesty, if she’s convinced it’s just that he’s 4, well then fine - you’ll see him when he’s older and better behaved because this isn’t acceptable.

Brilliant answer, and very fair.

Recalling how nephew seemed really mal-adjusted, and was aggressive towards my 3-; yr old. Both same age. Throwing dirt in my DS face, breaking toys, chucking out window, spray bug spray in DS face (should not have had access but SIL a free spirit… ). He wasn’t potty trained til late (she wanted nursery to do it), slow speaking, choc milk in his bottle at 4, talked in really weird tv cartoon voice. A kid needed to keep an eye on all the time.

15 yrs later, and he’s at a top Uni, grew up motivated despite his free spirit & lazy mum.

I'd try writing her a letter or email, tell her that you've no intention of spending Christmas, or any other time with them socially, until she has taught her child how to behave. Tell her all the things that you're unhappy with, and point out that it's her job to teach him, not down to him to miraculously become well behaved, when she's not putting any boundaries in place to help him. I would also point out that he's going to school soon, and ask her if she really wants her child to be the one that all the other kids avoid because he's not been taught how to share, make friends, or whatever the problems are. You could, if your parents agree, even tell her that your parents don't enjoy having them there, because while they love him to bits, he breaks things that they've worked hard for, and that upsets them, and is even causing problems between them. I would also mention that your children don't want him at yours because he breaks their things too. Tell her that this in NOT acceptable behaviour for a 4 year old, and her excuses about him only being little, no longer wash. Then sign off by saying that you love her and her child, and feel that as her sister you need to tell her the truth, before someone else does. You could perhaps offer to help her with some ideas of how she might get through to him, or maybe suggest a parenting class in the area. Obviously word your letter to suit the things that are happening, I've just tried to give you some ideas.

The thing with writing a letter or email, is that the recipient is forced to read it, and can't argue or interrupt what you are trying to tell them, so you have a better chance of getting your point across.

She will likely call you and react angrily, or she might call your Mum expecting her to agree that you're a nasty interfering bitch, or whatever, so it might be worth warning your parents what you plan to do, and suggesting that if she does call them, that it's their one and only opportunity to join forces with you, and tell her that you're right, and that she does need to get a grip on his behaviour. It sounds like your DF would happily back you up, but it's likely your Mum, who would back down, so talk to her or suggest your DF does, beforehand if you feel it's necessary.

I do hope that even if you don't take my advice, you are able to make your sister see sense, as otherwise this poor little boy is going to suffer through bad parenting, which is not his fault.

It doesn't sound like you have the closest relationship with her anyway. So, IMO, you really have nothing to lose by telling her straight.

Something like: 'You don't like me reprimanding your child when he's naughty in my home. But, at the same, I can't let bad behaviour go unpunished in my home. That being the case, we'd both be better spending Christmas separately.'

Well we don't really Know this, we only have one perspective don't we

I wouldn’t worry about friction. She needs to realise it’s unacceptable and the impact it’s having.

if it was me I would have no more in person contact when the son is there and encourage your parents to do the same. She has to learn that she needs to parent her child.

The sister & perhaps their child sounds neurodivergent, rather than badly behaved it might well be something else going on,

Until some attempts at parenting him are being made , no one can really tell.

No acknowledgement that the behaviour is wrong/upsetting, no attempt to stop /misdirect it, no attempt to correct the behaviours, no apologies to the people affected, etc. That's not ND , that's ineffective parenting. Of course it could be both, a ND child with shitty parenting will still be ND. That would make this type of parenting even worse.

Agreed he is 4 not 1.

This

He’s 4. Nothing you’ve described is out of place for a 4 yo who hasn’t started school yet

A 4 year old is perfectly capable of knowing you dont spit food over someone else's plate! IF they are taught what is and is not ok!

Thos 4 year old is NOT being taught what is ok. In fact he is being taught he can do what he likes with people and their property!! A recipe for increasing disaster!

I think it's a strong possibility & from what we know neurodivergency does run through families like wildfire.
We only have one perspective as well. The sister would certainly give another story.

I don’t see anything in the description of the sister to support this, and as I said upthread no-one can know if the nephew might be because he’s never been given any boundaries at all, he does exactly what he likes. Maybe if his parents actually did some parenting but still struggled with the same issues there might be a case to argue for PDA and other neurodiversity, but at the moment it’s impossible to say.

The sister & perhaps their child sounds neurodivergent, rather than badly behaved it might well be something else going on,

@Nextdoor55

why?

Nothing is set in stone at four years old. What would be the point of school if children were written off before they started? However, outcomes for this child are bound to be worse on the current trajectory than if the parents received some support with their misguided parenting.

Op I think it would be worth trying to tackle your mother’s enabling of this situation. At the moment your and your Dad’s attempts to talk sense into your sister are being rebuffed because she’s still got your mum onside, reassuring her that everything is fine and backing up her poor parenting choices.

If you can get your mum to see how unhelpful - no, downright harmful her enabling is, then you might together be one step closer to getting through to your sister.

In the meantime protect your own kids by keeping them away, and try to see your sister on her own, just the two of you, for regular coffees and chats so that she knows you are still there for her if she reaches out for help.