To feel really pissed off with DH

Agree with others, sounds like he is also ND. To those who say it's learnt incompetence - actually I think he might be terrible at doing all those things. Yes, some men are just crap but whenever OP mentions they have a SEN child plus a useless husband I often wonder whether husband is also ND.

The difference between their job and home is, they care about their job but they don’t care about the home stuff.

Plus they know you won’t let anything bad happen so they just don’t focus on it as a priority for them.

Mine is like this, I joke that he turns his brain off as soon as he gets home. However I work part time and so expect to pick up more home stuff but he does cook and clean up every night and has other strengths so I try to see the positives.

can you do that OP or is he totally useless?

It doesn’t matter if hes ND

I am and I still manage a house and kids when they where wee

I have reminders on my phone for it but if your doing it all he’ll think why should I and he’s doing the bare minimum and by the looks of it for years.

I couldn’t live like this and would end it.

I voted YABU because it’s unreasonable to quietly seethe and not do anything about it.

He is being VVVV unreasonable though.

This. It’s very frustrating to read. He can get up at 6am if you are to help with breakfast etc. he can help with child-related things after 5.30pm when WFH. What does he think other parents who WFH and have parental responsibilities have to do? Yes I have a demanding job 9-5, that I have to focus on, but I can still use my lunch break to unload the dishwasher or do washing. Your DH doesn’t seem to have any idea of his parental responsibilities and needs to be reminded of that. Do you want your kids to grow up with this example OP? As an example, my DH is often up before me because I’ll have been up with the toddler in the night. He’ll have made me a tea, made kids breakfast, be unloading dishwasher. We will double team getting uniform prepped etc. it’s what a team does.

God help you OP.
That is some loser waste of space you are with.
Do whatever you can to lessen your load.
Stop doing ANYTHING that benefits him.
Try and mind yourself.
Life is very hard with children when you realise you are with a lazy selfish loser.

If you both work then he needs to shoulder some responsibility for the running of the house and childcare obligations.

I voted YABU because you allow him to live the way he does.
You shouldn't have to work all hours to hold down a good job, you should be capable of it in the contracted hours and if you're not something is either wrong with the way you're (he) carrying it out, or the company need to be told it's too much for one person. You should work to live not live to work, what's the point of having a family to never spend time with them?!
You'd be better off as a single parent.

100 % this.

He doesn’t help with anything, and you wouldn’t trust him to in any case. I can’t see a solution other than to suck it up.

Strategic incompetence!!

if he can be arsed get him to read This is how your marriage ends by Mat Fray or the competence porn thread on here and get him to step the fuck up!

best of luck x

What’s the point of him?

Do any of your DC have ADHD?

I only ask because the thinfs you say about your DH sound a lot like this . Not having a sense of time and finding simple administrative things very overwhelming to do. This is often to do with problems sequencing and working out the steps to do in a task. If there is a lot of things on a list like that it can overwhelm

Or he could just be a lazy arse .

Then again both of these things could be true. They are not mutually exclusive

Grrr. I understand your approach and your venting. Sometimes a ball will get dropped because he's not covering his half of the court.

You are enabling him to be useless, and seemingly not wanting to take on any suggestions to force him to step up.

In your shoes, I would take the easiest way through this.

I would appreciate that he provides a good income for a good life while the kids are growing up, but just get on with organising things as if he wasn't there. Hire a cleaner for a few hours a week, pay someone to do your ironing etc. Don't ask him, just do it. If he questions it then just say "I can't do it all on my own".

But DO NOT organise anything on his behalf, don't take on any of his load.

Start to stash some money away and start to think about life after the kids have grown up.

I am normally sceptical when posters jump to suggesting neurodivergence but the way the op describes her husband sounds very much like he may have ASD or ADHD (or both). The job which she describes as technical and requiring attention to detail is exactly the sort of job which would suit an ND person and she says it takes him a long time even to do that. Plus they have an ND child.

When DH is WFH I don't expect him to get involved with parenting. Chances are he'd be in a meeting when a zoom lesson started so wouldn't be able to get involved.

How old is your DD? Can you put a weekly reminder alarm on her phone?

The rest of your post makes for depressing reading. How can you love/respect/fancy someone who is so incompetent that he can't even send an apology message or remind your DC to use the toilet

Your DH isn't going to wake up one day and realise he's being a man-child and voluntarily step up to the plate. The status quo is currently working in his favour. So you're stuck...unless you decide to do something to redress the balance, even if that means sitting back and watching him get stuff wrong.

(Obviously start with non crucial things like changing wet beds - nothing that puts your DC's safety at risk)

I always find it interesting these useless dh’s can always manage to hold down important well paid jobs which presumably comes with completing and remembering to do things

yet they are incapable of doing anything useful at home or with their kids

You sound like me.

However, I’m a sahm (dcs now teens) so I’ve given dh a lot of leeway for his very stressful job. OP works and I don’t think it’s fair on her at all.

Start making sure there are consequences for his laziness/strategic incompetence op. If it’s his turn to make dinner and he doesn’t, he’ll have to pay for takeaway. Start divvying things up and be very clear about what responsibilities he needs to take on and that you won’t keep reminding him, you just won’t do it yourself or sort things out if he fucks up.

You basically need to care less.

I can't help wondering why, with all of these things to do, you "had" to mow the lawn? That sounds like the kind of job that can wait and it doesn't "have" to be you that does it so just don't do it when there are more urgent things like A&E visits going on; especially when you are so tired. I'm sure it could wait.

Re the lesson - if it's important (and you are paying for it) then unfortunately it just makes sense to remind them (both DH and DC). Did the teacher try to call you during the party when DC didn't turn up for the zoom? Did you have a bunch of missed calls?

I tell you what op why don't you tell us what you want us to say then

He sounds like another child. What parent forgets to get their DC to go to the bathroom before bed?

But he knows if he doesn't do these things you will.

He is adding to your workload.

To be quite honest, it sounds like it would be easier not to be married to him, if he's this helpless

This is weaponised male incompetence at a high level OP