To feel really pissed off with DH

Don't you find his laziness and incompetence terribly unattractive OP? Maybe try telling him that you are finding his utter uselessness such a turnoff that you no longer feel you can have sex with him. It might be the wake-up call he needs.

“He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.”

Does he have ADHD? Time blindness and executive function are real issues and can make someone appear lazy and selfish.

I’m not condoning the way he behaves as he seems very childlike, in fact I feel for you deeply as it must be like having a third child. I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion with him about this as you need some help, to manage the mental load and to manage your expectations of him assisting you in bringing up his DCs

You have 3 children!!!

Sounds to me like you have 3 options. Accept that the life you described is the only way it can be and carry on the same way, getting increasingly frustrated and depressed because you are being used as a dumping ground for every task. Get rid of the husband who is adding nothing to the relationship apart from financial input (which may or may not be a deal breaker for I) Put measures in place to make him take share the load of running the household.
If you won't do the third option (because you have put arguments up to any suggestions on the thread about making him take responsibility) then you are left with the first two options.
No one can tell you what your breaking point is but if you reach it you will have to make the decision alone - good luck!

Why seethe inwardly?

Time to tell him how you feel

You’ll find once posted on here it’s the straw and camel as she’ll have told and asked multiple times. Hence seeing a solicitor not at the first hurdle

Speak to your DH and try to explain how you're feeling. If he has anything about him at all, he'll listen.

@Bestyearever2024 It never ceases to amaze me that the first option for indignant people who don't get everything their own way is to phone the solicitor. No wonder we have such a high divorce rate in this country.

What’s the point in keeping DH around?

Do you find him attractive OP?

It’s not the key issue but I’d go off my husband completely if I didn’t respect him and I couldn’t respect someone so completely useless and disengaged. Is the money worth it?

Did I read correctly that you mow the lawn? Time to invest in a robomower if DH isn’t going to do it…he pays of course.

You have taken over all the household knowledge/remembering things because it's easier than trying to get him to do it.
A mistake easily made - I did it myself years ago.
But not too late to remedy. From TODAY push things back to him. Every time. You know.
Every time.
It does work. Much grumpiness but it does work.

@DribbleMop stop fixing his mistakes. I know it seems harder to give him the number but honestly, stop enabling him to leave it all to you. It will feel weird at first but honestly liberating once you get the hang of it. Like we teach our kids - ‘consequences’ - didn’t have lesson? Has to soothe child and placate teacher. Didn’t take child to loo? Gets to change bedding at 2am and spray the mattress or fund a new one.

when it happens, say ‘here’s the number’ or whatever. Don’t leap in and save the day.

He doesn't take joint responsibility so you shouldn't.
I dont know how the teacher of the missed lesson expressed their pissed offness to you but a deflection of " sorry thats all on dh, you should have a word with him when you see him next" would have been entirely appropriate.
The bed. You change the child and he sleeps in your bed, dh gets the sofa. Reassurance happens . Dh gets consequences. If hes tired and worse at work the next day then he can explain why. Or he can suck it up.
You are not just doing everything, you are covering for him. Trying to make it look like he is sharing and functional when hes not.
Hes clearly not bothered about how you think of him, so spread the word. Public shaming , even infront of him.
" Yeah, It would be nice but dh is a cockwomble and probably wont do the necessary to make it happen" should be a stock reply to anything where you are stressing yourself to make things happen which might not because you are not a team.

I get where you are coming from. I did it all too.

Just be careful though, I'm very ill currently and my family is falling apart around me as they simply don't know how to do the simple everyday things as it was quciker for me to just deal with it.....

OP also works as well as doing everything in the house, all the mental load, all the childcare and clearing up after DH when he fucks up.

@THisbackwithavengeance why would he be "paying for everything from his job?" OP works too? She could probably make a lot more money if she had someone enabling her to work twelve hours a day.

He'll be paying for everything from his job. But that counts for very little on MN.

I get you think he's incompetent but I see it time and time again on MN where women are running themselves into the ground on unnecessary non-jobs.

What stood out to me was you mowing the lawn. Why would you not just leave it if you didn't have time?

OP, is he kind to you? Do you get on well? Have fun together? Or are you so exhausted from all of this you are just churning through life?

Another vote for your husband having ADHD here. My husband has it and we are pretty sure I do too (not impulsive and did v well at school so late to recognise lots of traits). The main difference is I had supportive parents and learned many coping mechanisms over the years so I cope with the traits whereas he didn’t and struggles much more.

I still take on a lot more of the life admin etc. but have focused on trying to support him manage himself/the kids instead of just taking over. He also is aware the burden it puts on me so actively tries to lessen it in other ways (taking on tasks he is confident with, taking children out regularly to give me breaks to decompress etc). It’s a challenge but if he didn’t care about the burden on me I wouldn’t be with him.

He is a lazy bastard because you allow him to be.

But you're not happy?

How old are your children? Should your DD have remembered her lesson? And why would you have to tell your husband what to say? Is he ND?

And if you want a life as a permanent unappreciated housekeeper then carry on as you are.

Why are you going to a&e and then coming home and mowing the grass and cleaning the house, grocery shopping and the other list of things ?

The grass surely being October nearly November is too late to cut. If it has to be done why can't your DH do it on his day off ?

Get online shopping, there's 7 of us here and I put a blank A4 piece of paper on the fridge and everyone writes what they need and I lash it onto the order or get your DH to do it .

Ensure your kitchen is clean before bed, that means anyone who's abled bodied puts their dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and the counters wiped down, dishwasher emptied before bed and it means a clean kitchen next morning and breakfast stuff can be loaded in and a quick wipe around.

Join up a calendar on your phones or get a paper one and put in everything that needs doing with the person's name bedside it that is responsible for it. If you continue to do it all yourself then no one is going to offer to do it.

I'm not sure how his WFH works, like is he able to leave his desk or is he not available to help?I often read here where women prefer that their working at home days is treated like they're out and not to be disturbed .

After school things need to be shared if both are available, sometimes we end up doing more because we're there more but on the days he's there he has to help out .

You'll just burn yourself out if you continue to do everything.

So divorce him then. Or continue as you are. Those are your choices.

Sounds like he wants a full time stay at home wife.

So quit work give him that and see if he likes the financial downshift in lifestyle.

Men can't have it both ways- the wifely duties 24/7 but also the income from a second household income.

Nope, she needs a divorce. Her husband clearly has no respect for her.

Seething inwardly doesn’t seem to be working does it op? And when something isn’t working, you try something else surely.

your h sounds useless. He doesn’t care about you very much does he if he’s happy to watch you struggle.