Is going to be office 3 times a week going to change my situation?

he would accuse me of being an albatross around his neck

That’s no way of speaking to your partner.

Is the new hobby improving his mood around you and the children? Or just having an effect on him individually, whereby he enjoys getting out of the house a few more hours?

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, you asking him is already a good way to communicate.

Does he realise how difficult the situation is, that you feel unable to raise this with him repeatedly? He needs to organise and book you both into marriage counselling if he’s unwilling to talk to you at home.

It’s not on you to “nag” him less. It’s on him to listen more.

@itakemy I agree thats fair enough, you should both get some time to yourselves.

But for you to get kids up on a Saturday and go out for the bulk of the day whilst he gets a lie in I just don't get, isn't he missing you and kids? What is he doing for the day? Does takeover when you get back? Make dinner and put kids to bed while you have a bath or chill on your for a bit?

I think the problem is that he doesn't seem to want spend time with you or his children? Apologies if ive misunderstood that. I get he can't change his working hours, but surely once the weekend is here he wants to spend as much time with you and kids?

You should give each other a lie in, one on each weekend morning, get a cleaner and help with school pick ups for sure.

If he is leaving before kids wake up and gets back after they are in bed, I just can't get my head round you getting the kids out of his way at the weekends.

I use to nanny for a couple where one worked very high up in banking and the other at the same level for a retail chain, they had a date night once a week and weekends were spent on family bike rides, swimming, family film nights etc etc.

I would be devastated if my husband was grumpy and unsupportive, you and the children should be the centre of his world.

How can I get out of the rut of being called a nag and all these arguments about him having a more intense schedule than me? I don't want to go back into that situation. I'm worried.

I think the point here is that it’s not your responsibility to avoid being called a nag, or to make him realise he needs to play a more active role in family life. That’s on him. He’s a father and husband, it shouldn’t be on you to beg him to pitch in. I will never understand men (or women) who do not get involved with their own families.

I get long, inflexible hours - I work in such a job myself. It’s not an excuse for opting out of responsibilities though. If I’m not available in the evenings, I make up for it at another time of the week, to give others in my house a break for keeping the fort down when I’m gone. It’s called being a responsible adult and family member.

Does he not value doing things for his family? Outside of paying bills…Does he even know his children, spend quality time with them?

Yanbu op. I had this with my DH when i returned to work after my second mat leave. In my experience, a lot of men want the financial security & lifestyle a second high income brings, but underestimate how much work their 50% share of the household/family planning is.

I just had to go on and on about it and initially there was not enough change. After a year i sat him down and explained if he couldn't do some of the packed lunches & batch cooking, take the kids to some of their activities etc, i'd need to cut back to school hours work. I explained that my current senior well paid job wouldnt be an option on such low hours, so I'd probably have to take a lower responsibility role and overall would earn around 1/4 of current wage. I explained that instead of me paying half towards our joint account expenses I'd have to put much less in, and all his "fun money" would have to go on the bill instead.

This focuses his mind somewhat and he stepped up.
He now runs washing in the week, makes the packed lunches 2 days out of 5, and purchased two robot hoovers. He tidies the floors before it gets sent round.

He also realised he needed to be on things like school whatsapp groups and step up doing his share of admin.

To minimise the ‘nag’ situation, sit down calmly sometime and go through how everything is going to work on a practical basis.

laundry - including the booking / getting ready for / follow up / paying for any outside help.
meals - 3 a day plus snacks, buying, planning, prepping, clearing up.
Getting up, dressed, out.
getting home, bed.
when children are ill - who gets the calls. Who takes what time off.
nursery admin - paying bills etc.
car admin - who’s responsibel
home utilities admin- who’s responsible
adult child free leisure time / lie ins - what you both need/ want and what that looks like in a routine for the week.

Yes 100% outsource as much cleaning/cookimg/housework as you can
so you can spend as much meaningful time as possible with the children and without feeling frazzled and exhausted. They are so tiny and need parents who have enough space to breathe and connect with them. And honestly they’ll need as much in different ways as they grow older.

There are no magic words that will make your husband change his attitude. You can read a million similar threads on here, it's never resolved, if the man doesn't want it to be.

Basically he never sees his children, does any parenting or household management, but works all hours to put money in 'investments'. What a life he has chosen. He must be so dull and unpleasant, but at least you don't see him much I guess!

I’m a single parent who works out the house full time and i had four children to raise alone when ex left when youngest was two.

It can be done but you need strict routines for the children and perhaps use wrap around care so you’re not rushing to do school pick ups and drop offs. You have the advantage of two incomes in the house so this should more affordable than it was for me.
Doing grocery shopping with delivery is great. I often do mine in bed on my phone at a weekend and often get a same day slot.
Choose quick meals for days you have been at work so meal planning for a month could be helpful.
Make sure the children have a good evening and morning routine. Perhaps snack, downtime while you cook, dinner, homework, bedtime story, bed. Bath on nights days you are home unless you have really grubby children.
Housework is the thing you need to let slide on those days. Just the basics such as washing up and leave the bigger chores for the four days you have off and split the tasks between three and keep one for leisure or a trip out.

I think the main difference is that single you haven’t got the same resentment the other adult isn’t doing as much as you.

Without knowing the real restrictions on your husband’s working schedule and giving him the benefit of the doubt that it really is limited in how much it can change, I do think it’s unrealistic to expect him to take up more household work. He will be present, yes, but exhausted – as you are now and will be.

Is the 2yr old in nursery? Is the 4yr old in school yet? The best thing to do is to get a full time nanny-housekeeper (around £35k-40k a year) and a weekly cleaner.

I also work full time with 3 days in the office, as does my DH, but we both clock off at 5:30 and are both only out the house from 8-6 on those 3 days a week. We have a nanny-housekeeper 3 days a week.

So if he can’t get home in time to cook / sort the kids for bed you will have to get a nanny. Sounds to me like he won’t step up no, like many men they think their jobs are more important / tiring and they can’t possibly look after their own kids when they get home. I’d take this job anyway and out source what you can. If he can’t pitch in with his share of housework in the evenings / on weekends then he can pay for a cleaner / other things that will help.

He needs to divert some of his savings pot to pay for help in the house - get a cleaner at least, someone who'll stay and do the laundry as well and the workload will be more manageable. I don't know any men who'd be into batch cooking but he can still put fish fingers in the oven at the weekend for the children's tea. Your resentment is justified but shouldn't be aimed at him just at the system you've both allowed to develop. Bathing and putting children to bed is something that should be enjoyed and not dreaded and shouldn't, imo, be outsourced but you could pay someone to collect them from childcare and give them their tea a couple of times a week? Most working parents do chores at the weekend but it's finding a divide that works for all of you.

I actually found it easier by physically going to the office as I was away from the household jobs
Admittedly the bare minimum is done, and it's taken over 6 months before DH finally gets it, for example he will do breakfast, cook dinner but leave everything an absolute mess for me to do 'because its not his job'. but why should it be mine when im working too?
its very hard to change habits especially when DH is reluctant to. I'm not sure i'll ever see a lie in in my lifetime though!

This would really annoy me. It did to such a huge extent it was one of the reasons I ended my marriage. My ex husband left everything to me and I was so resentful, there were other factor too in the split but that was one of my top 3 reasons.

I work 5 days a week and have 4 children. It is manageable but organisation is key
I probably spend at least a morning a weekend cleaning so if u can get a cleaner that will help or split the jobs so you do maybe 2 hours a weekend each.
Daily I do the basics, hover clean kitchen and bathroom, put a load of washing on.
With two of you this is completely manageable.

I'd actually suggest being out the home is better, you will be fully engaged with work and no one will be in the house to mess it up. Use something like a slow cooker on the days your in the office chuck it in in the morning wipe down the kitchen and when you come in it's done.

Really your husband needs to step up here and help you out. When you have to do it you can, like I did and do, but when someone is not pulling their weight it's worse as you feel so cross about it.

Best of luck with your job, youl be absolutely fine

@BadPeopleFan well they don't, do they, they have to get childcare.

I've got a 2yo and a 4yo and while I love them day to day life is relentless, me and DH are both knackered. The difference is, my DH pulls his weight. I get what you mean about him being out of the house, mine worked night shifts until recently so like you, he physically wasn't there for a lot of it.
I think you need to value yourself more and have boundaries. His mood isn't your problem you need to learn to ignore it. There are 2 mornings a week someone gets a lie in, you should get one each, everything is easier after some sleep. We've started having turns for afternoon naps at the weekends now if its been a particularly shit week for sleep, it's doesn't take 2 people to parent, so one should be parenting while the other does house jobs. If he doesn't step up, I'd find myself too tired to wash his clothes and just do mine and the children's, shop for food we liked but he didn't, cook for the 3 of us because DH is too busy to spend time with us so doesn't need a meal etc. We also throw money at things we can (appreciate I'm lucky to be able to) so we have a cleaner who will tidy as she goes, over the summer we pay a gardener to mow the lawn. I'm contemplating asking our nursery staff to do some babysitting hours to give me some time for life admin, you might find on of your nursery staff will do a bedtime shift for you. Good luck I'm sure we'll miss these days one day x

It sounds unlikely your Dp will change, so what are you willing to do if he doesn’t? Lots of people have to change hours (jobs even) to fit around kids, so it’s a reasonable suggestion. Even one early finish would help!

That said my shortcut suggestions are;

• food delivery rather than shop. Can get. It once kids in bed.
• batch cook so only need to cook a few times a week (less washing up too)
• I tend to have two meals a week that are the same on my two busiest days as it’s easier. We have soup and sandwiches once a week, could squeeze to two. (kids have school dinners)
• hire a cleaner. If you iron outsource that too
• we are a big family so I do one wash a day start to finish’s (finish might be putting away the wash from the day before)
• min your situation is wash mine and DC and leave his unless needed to fill a wash:

I did the nursery/school runs. DH was out to work at 6am, home after nursery closed. I worked FT but hybrid. Batch cook for when you are in the office. Rather than FT nursery can you do a couple of days of nanny? I did 2 days nanny, 3 nursery.

Then it meant DC were home, fed and relative calm at home for my return, our last nanny was brilliant for doing day trips when the weather was nice, which satisfied my Mum guilt. We advertised locally, paid via Nanny pay scheme (they sort NI and tax).

I also had a weekly cleaner.