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AIBU?

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To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

190 replies

dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:12

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

OP posts:
charabang · 26/10/2024 00:26

It sounds like you probably are better off coping on your own. Having Mum about sounds very stressful.

IAKnowyou · 26/10/2024 00:20

@TheYearOfSmallThings @HermoniePotter Of course you don't. This is on AIBU.
Read the OP's circumstances.. and then see whether you think the suggestions they made were ridiculous or not.
It is rude to assume everyone has it easy as we like to think they do. Life doesn't work that way.
Plus, when you have a toddler in hospital.. even the tiniest of things are going to tip you over the edge. It's very stressful.
This was a huge overstep of boundaries, and stupid point scoring on her mother's behalf.

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/10/2024 00:20

It sounds like the boys might not be cared for as they are used to but are safe, so I would just accept the situation and focus on your little girl. I would ask staff to not let your mum in to visit and send her a polite text thanking her for the help she’s given to date and explaining that you will see her when you are home again as visitors in hospital is getting a bit much for both of you.

CabraCadabra · 26/10/2024 00:19

I think she's a dick and you are definitely not unreasonable. I'd leave her to it.

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:19

EdgarAllenRaven · 26/10/2024 00:12

Unforgivable. She risked your daughter’s health, and then left just to make a spiteful bitchy point.
Because she knows you need her and she probably wants you to beg her to return. I wouldn’t do it. If there is any way you can get by without her, I would try.
If it is too hard, then keep her for this hospital duration then I would go low contact afterwards.
You need supportive people who care about you all.

Thanks. This is how I’m feeling. It’s been building up over days. Constantly overbearing behaviours. Not just the cheese. Prompting me to change her nappy, even though it has no wee inside it, let’s sit her up, she’s comfy as it is. She has OCD so I don’t know if it’s that? But my daughter’s care falls to me. I’m 35 years old, I don’t need to be told how to look after my toddler. She doesn’t need two ‘mums’ stressing over her in the hospital. That’s literally what it felt like.

OP posts:
Appletreepots · 26/10/2024 00:17

It's really, really awful that your mother did that with the mask and really, really awful that she's walked out after you stood up to her.

You're going through so much and need support, not stress.

If you can manage without her, it might be easier than the emotional stress, but only you know what boundaries are best for you. I hope your daughter gets well soon.

EmeraldRoulette · 26/10/2024 00:16

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 00:03

I just don't think it was smart to give your mother a bollocking and then tell her she could go away unless you were willing for her to actually go? She has been coming every day to let you go and do stuff, and it sounds as if you failed to understand the value of that and took out your anxiety and frustration on the person who is your life support right now.

But she removed an oxygen mask! How can posters be saying this is okay?!

OP I am so sorry.

is there a neighbour or someone who can bring you a change of clothes, wet wipes etc. I'd do that for a neighbour.

Blondiney · 26/10/2024 00:16

Tomorrow is another day. Tempers are bound to be frayed in a stressful situation like this, hopefully you will both move on and start fresh.

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:13

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/10/2024 00:10

Who is caring for your eldest?

He’s staying with my elderly grandmother while I’m in hospital which is really helpful but also not ideal as unfortunately she’s unable to cook for him etc. it’s really difficult.

OP posts:
EdgarAllenRaven · 26/10/2024 00:12

Unforgivable. She risked your daughter’s health, and then left just to make a spiteful bitchy point.
Because she knows you need her and she probably wants you to beg her to return. I wouldn’t do it. If there is any way you can get by without her, I would try.
If it is too hard, then keep her for this hospital duration then I would go low contact afterwards.
You need supportive people who care about you all.

Radiolala · 26/10/2024 00:12

Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter.

In what way (other than cheese 😂)

HermoniePotter · 26/10/2024 00:11

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 00:10

I don't think she is being ridiculous.

Me neither.

McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:11

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:07

“I’d rather struggle” this is exactly how I feel. I would rather struggle!

Honestly, as someone whose baby was in hospital for 12 weeks I understand it. I’m a single mum to 3, I was school run, hospital, school run etc.. It’s hard.

I even had my mum tell me I shouldn’t be at the hospital daily to see my baby, they were fine 🙃 yeah so fine they were in for another 6 weeks after that comment.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have the same kind of mum as me. I’m extremely low contact with her and she only really finds out about me& my kids through the grapevine. Much less stress and much less disappointment!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 00:10

IAKnowyou · 26/10/2024 00:07

Don't be ridiculous!!

I don't think she is being ridiculous.

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/10/2024 00:10

Who is caring for your eldest?

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:08

Laura268 · 26/10/2024 00:06

It's unforgiveable OP.

There's just not a universe where my Mum would do this. Ok she might try to force the cheese and she might roll her eyes at me and we might have bickered about the mask until I resorted to a teenager whine of 'muuuuuuum' but not in a million years would she have left.

You must be so hurt.

Remember she didn't just leave you, she also left her Granddaughter and for that I'd be angry as hell because no matter how annoyed she was with you in the moment, there are kids in this. The grand-daughter poorly in the hospital and her Grandson missing his Mummy. Unforgiveable in my eyes.

Is there a MIL, friend, partner, ex-partner, Auntie, sibling - you could ask for help from?

Yes incredibly hurt. It’s ok, I’ll manage. Thank you.

OP posts:
IAKnowyou · 26/10/2024 00:07

Livelovebehappy · 25/10/2024 23:50

One of your sons is 19, and the other is with their father, so what do you need to do at home? Hopefully your adult son will be keeping the house clean, and be able to deal with anything which crops up, including bringing stuff to the hospital if needed. And your mother looks after your child overnight each month, which you should feel really lucky for, and has been coming to the hospital. It does sound like you’re being a bit harsh on her and you’re acting a bit self entitled. I hope your dd starts to feel better soon.

Don't be ridiculous!!

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:07

McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:03

Let her walk and keep walking. I’d rather struggle than have someone feel they had power over me.

Considering your daughters sats were rather dangerous she’s an absolute horror for removing the oxygen mask for a bit of blooming cheese!

“I’d rather struggle” this is exactly how I feel. I would rather struggle!

OP posts:
Laura268 · 26/10/2024 00:06

It's unforgiveable OP.

There's just not a universe where my Mum would do this. Ok she might try to force the cheese and she might roll her eyes at me and we might have bickered about the mask until I resorted to a teenager whine of 'muuuuuuum' but not in a million years would she have left.

You must be so hurt.

Remember she didn't just leave you, she also left her Granddaughter and for that I'd be angry as hell because no matter how annoyed she was with you in the moment, there are kids in this. The grand-daughter poorly in the hospital and her Grandson missing his Mummy. Unforgiveable in my eyes.

Is there a MIL, friend, partner, ex-partner, Auntie, sibling - you could ask for help from?

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:04

My boys are older, and different situations. I wouldn’t see one left out! I just wonder why she wasn’t like this with my boys when they were younger etc

OP posts:
McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:03

Let her walk and keep walking. I’d rather struggle than have someone feel they had power over me.

Considering your daughters sats were rather dangerous she’s an absolute horror for removing the oxygen mask for a bit of blooming cheese!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 00:03

I just don't think it was smart to give your mother a bollocking and then tell her she could go away unless you were willing for her to actually go? She has been coming every day to let you go and do stuff, and it sounds as if you failed to understand the value of that and took out your anxiety and frustration on the person who is your life support right now.

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:02

I’m happy to slum it in hospital, well I suppose I have no choice now. I just don’t understand the behaviour at a time like this? She knows full well what she’s doing. She has OCD and a history of controlling behaviour.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 26/10/2024 00:01

dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:59

daughters father lives overseas. Also might be worth mentioning my mother is not interested in my son’s atall. Only my daughter? She never has or had my boys. Not bothered about them in the slightest.

Extremely odd this isn't the first thing you mentioned and also that you would allow her to treat your kids like that

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:01

This, I literally feel like it’s a power play and the more I think about it, it’s the way it’s always been.

OP posts: