To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

I can’t believe some of these posts.

OP Your mother is making this about herself and using the situation as a power play. She is the “good” one with the cheese and putting more pressure on you at an already difficult time. I think your mother is being extremely unreasonable. To come to the hospital for power play behaviour is not a loving gesture, and I can understand you are hurt. There is NOTHING entitled about what is going on for you right now.

I've no idea why 40% say you are being unreasonable.

I'd take this opportunity to step back and keep a distance with your mum. What a cow she is.

I hope your daughter is better soon.

What would be your mother's version of what happened? No you can't answer that

To be fair, @Livelovebehappy posted BEFORE @dominique36 told that her adult son is autistic; of course the reality is much different than how Live was imagining it. It was not her fault that she didn't know.

BUT, I can't imagine not apologizing once I found out about his special needs. In this case, the suggestions were not feasible. The post was blunt, and the entitlement comment was unkind; why @Livelovebehappy hasn't walked it back is anyone's guess.

I agree Radiolala. A mother - a caring mother and grandmother - would never have walked out and left their daughter and grandchild like that. My own mother virtually gave up her own life for several years when she was in her late 50's early 60's, to help look after her grandchildren when I was going through a crisis. Very sadly my DM has been dead for a long time now, and I miss her so much. I do know how lucky I was to have her - Thank You again Mum ❤️

You are going to rightly feel great when you prove her wrong by managing. It's going to be difficult but having someone effectively emotionally blackmail you, to carry on disrespecting you, is never going to end well. I suspect that there's plenty of examples you could have given, where your mum is pushing her agenda. Part of it might be down to her OCD and partly her character.

Once a month childcare isn't overly reliant in my book, and certainly doesn't give her care blanche on overriding you!

I'm also thinking about what you said about the way she's treating your kids differently. I concede that she might have difficulty or apprehensive about looking after a child who has extra needs by herself but that doesn't explain the difference she's showing to your youngest son. I'd definitely be trying to get to the bottom of that too, at some point.

It's come at a tricky time for you at the moment but hopefully soon life will get back on an an even keel.

I'm glad you are feeling calmer now and been able to talk to your grandma. It's hard to stand up to parents some times and it can get to a point when you just have to. Hopefully your mum will reflect on it too and together you will be able to get to a place where you both respect each other and she's putting her your kids needs first.
I honestly don't think you will regret standing up for yourself though.

OP you are in an awful situation regardless of your mother being unhelpful. My daughter also got pneumonia as a baby, multiple times and it was hard. Really hard. And I’m not even a single parent.

Are there any charities that operate around the kids ward with volunteers who might be able to help you? In Australia we have Ronald McDonald House, and at our local paediatric ward they have a room for families with toast and cereal and armchairs and a volunteer you can talk to etc. I went there a few times while DD slept. It was a bit of a sanity saver.

You are reliant because right now your grandmother is looking after your older son (as best she can), and the only way you can leave the hospital every day to see him, shop, and bring essentials is when your mother comes to sit with your daughter for several hours.

This can't be easy for anyone, and having a child in hospital is stressful enough without the feeling of frustration that comes from being reliant on people who are annoying (as family frequently is).

You both lost your tempers, and you basically told her to go, and she did. What did you think she would do when you said that?

It was actually.

You clearly didn't read the full thread to understand the needs of the 19yr old.

And you're the sort of person who thinks it's entirely reasonable for a person to remove an oxygen mask against a parents wishes to feed a toddler a cube of cheese.....and then flounce off in a strop when told not to.

But you think the OP is entitled 😂

OP your mother sounds horrific. Putting her granddaughter’s health at risk so she can score points over you, then flouncing out like a massive toddler. It’s all about her when it should be about your DD. Don’t even think about apologising to her, you’ve done nothing wrong, it should be her apologising. If you can at all manage without her then do it. I bet you’ll feel much more relieved and relaxed without her around. I’m sorry your DD is so poorly.

OP didn't tell her DM she could leave, she said she could do what she wants. Leaving was what the DM wanted to do I guess, after being called out on crossing boundaries. It's that that's a bit shitty.

I feel so much sympathy for you. It's horrible to purposely disregard your wishes for your child, just because she feels entitled to as "your mum". That's regardless of the fact that you were absolutely right about the oxygen mask. I've had sepsis that evolved into septic shock and very very nearly killed me. I've been left with multiple organ damage and that was after being on the highest flow of oxygen they had, so being hypoxic is no joke. I understand that your mum might have been fussing about with the intention of trying to make your daughter feel more comfortable, but there's time for that when she's not critically ill. She needs all her energy to cope with recovery, so it's probably best for your mum not to be there and starting arguments or tension.

She's pretty petty to actually walk out and leave you to it though. Anyone who has a brain cell and a bit of compassion would know that you are under stress and forgive any perceived slight. I do think it's a bit of a power play to "teach you a lesson". I think that at some point in the future, when things are more settled, you need to have a heart to heart and put some boundaries in place, regarding the role you want her to have going forward. You do need to balance it with some appreciation for the help she's given you but you are the nun and it's important for everyone including your daughter to see you as that.

I'm also a mum of two ND young adults so understand why your 19 year old isn't in the place to offer much support for you. It's very difficult having other people who need you, when you have another in hospital. I've had that unfortunate and challenging experience too, so know it's exhausting. Some children's wards will give you left over meals, if they have some or somewhere you can make yourself some toast. It might be worth talking to the staff, and seeing if that's possible.

Sending you strength, hugs and best wishes for your daughter to recover soon xx

I read the OP's circumstances. It is clear that she is very reliant on her mother and grandmother for support to care for her children - I'm sure this is difficult and frustrating and creates friction and resentment that would not exist if she were less reliant. It often does.

What makes no sense is telling someone they can leave and then being outraged when they leave, especially when you need their help.

I hope your daughter is well and out of hospital soon. This must be worrying and disruptive for your other children, and your grandmother as well.

I think that now you have seen your mother for what she is to stop asking her for any help or to have your daughter stay once a month.

You’re mum sounds exactly like mine. It hurts so much and your feelings are valid. Things that (marginally) help are -

Remembering that I am breaking the cycle by parenting my children differently.

Not expecting her to change - she never, ever will.

Distancing myself massively.

"Forgiving" myself when we get on okay for a spell and I delude myself that mutual love and support is possible - it’s not. I have to accept that whilst acknowledging it’s painful and sometimes I regress. My heart goes out to you.

Nothing ridiculous in my post…..🤷‍♀️