To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

Your mother sounds awful. But if you are 35 with a 19 year old son, then you were just a young teenager when you had him. Maybe your mum took a more hands-on approach then and still tries to?

Bonkers.

Sorry your daughter is ill and your mum shouldn't have done that but I do think it is mischaracterising to say you get very little support when she has your daughter overnight once a month and has come in to hospital daily for a few hours. This is a lot more than many.

But you don't take it off when you've only just struggled to get it on!

And it wasn't the OP's mother's decision to make

She added about thee autism much later. Likely after that response

I'd love to see her justification for her ridiculous behaviour too

You take them off to eat and drink and get dressed and go to the bathroom. They are on and off all day.

You don't take an oxygen mask off an ill child to give them a piece of bloody cheese!

She's dangerous

But he has a commitment to his son so he can just crack on.

Do you have supportive friends?

And yes, I'm sorry, you'll be much better off without her.

Would your eldest be able to sit with his sister while you get a shower?

I hope she recovers soon

@thepariscrimefiles The OP didn't clarify her older son was autistic and unable to help until after @Livelovebehappy posted. Her post offered a point of view, as requested, and wasn't ridiculous.

@TheYearOfSmallThings glad you pointed this out.

Well there is something ridiculous in your post because the OP's son is autistic and she is his carer so your expectations of what he can do are wrong.

A 19 year old without autism would be able to care for himself and possibly his brother but unfortunately that isn't the case here.

OP, you sound great and are doing your best.

Family like your mother make life harder.
Help but always at a high price.

Step away from her.
You are breaking the cycle of abuse.
Focus on doing what you can today and try not to stress.

Your mother likes power plays, and people like that bring nothing but poisonous toxicity to your life.

I hope your child improves soon.
Mind yourself and be kind to yourself.
Keep her away from you, do not contact her.

Extremely odd that you're passing judgement on a stressed single mother based on the order in which she mentions things. Seriously, have a word with yourself.

I think people misunderstand how oxygen masks are used. It is not like on an airplane where cabin pressure has been lost - the ones in hospital are to gradually increase oxygen saturation. They will be taken off many times in a day for eating, dressing, walking to the toilet etc.

If the child has already been in hospital for several days, is on a general ward being supervised by her mother, and is well enough to take and eat cheese, then removing the mask for a moment will do no harm except to give her mother the irritating task of getting the mask back on afterwards (for the hundredth time that day).

The child would have been ok to move the oxygen mask to one side/take off and hold in front of the face for a short period to eat a block of cheese, did she want it? Was she hungry? Or was your mum forcing it upon her?

I suspect the issues with your mother are bigger than the mask/cheese- more like the straw that broke the camels back in a very stressful situation.

Perhaps with a clear mind you can both move on- but if you only see her every so often and don’t need nor value her help I’d probably go no contact.

The mask isn’t a “red herring” when the girl needs oxygen otherwise she’ll get really sick - which is why OP told her mother not to give her cheese!!

Why on earth would she think a little child needs cheese more than oxygen?? What a stupid thing to do, of course you would tell her not to.

This.
And now you are only going to manage by putting on other people including your elderly GM.
Your DM gave her the cheese to be nice to your DD(who let's not forget this is all about) not to be mean to you.The mask is a red herring, i am not sure why you struggled so much, but if her oxygen was anywhere close to being dangerous, the staff would have helped you get it on.
You told your dm to leave, and then are surprised when she does!

Think it will be easier to deal with this yourself and tell your mum to bugger off as she’s part of the problem.

Bloody hell, some of these posts. A woman removed an oxygen mask from a toddler's face when they really needed it!

For future hospital stays, have a small bag ready with travel sized toiletries like a tooth brush, flannel, and clean undies.

Has your oldest got a support worker at all? I've no practical advice on your Mam, apart from try to build a support network that doesn't involve her because taking the Oxygen mask off to give cheese is bizarre.

Well it certainly sounds as if your Mum has crossed a line regarding respect for YOU as the primary caregiver of your own child.

I think the thing to do IS to go it alone just now whilst you are in the hospital. Could you get respite care for your ds. Or has at least got daytime activities and a support worker in place so he's out of the house by day?

Maybe in a month or so, ask your mum to meet you in a neutral space (café for eg) and have your thoughts together about how you want the relationship with your mum to look going forward.

Remember she will have to have her say too so hear her out! Just listen to her point of view without any objection.

Finish at the cafe in a civilised way if you can (if she starts talking all over the top of you, just stop talking. Do not argue)

Make no decision at the cafe.

Once home, you take as long as you need to think about the café conversation. And you now have the experience of looking after your kids alone.

So - putting all the infomation together - you will then be able to decide the way forward.

Social services will be the ones to contact over respite care for your ds.

I agree. I can only think those posters have been lucky enough not to come across people like OPs mum and so see it from the perspective of a non-self-absorbed, controlling person.

Sadly there are a lot of people like OPs mum about and they always think they know best and will play the victim when they are called out.

OP you are doing amazingly to have broken the cycle. It's not easy. Once you're out of thus current situation, I would think about whether your mum brings more positives than negatives to your and your children's lives.