Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

190 replies

dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:12

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

OP posts:
Bakingandcrying · 26/10/2024 16:11

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 15:51

And you will no doubt be stepping in to replace the actual real life support the OP is being encouraged to cut herself off from. Even though she made clear in her very first post that We have very little support. My mum is our only support.

It is very easy to say "Oh you will be better off without her" and "Start building friendship networks you can rely on". But if the OP gets appendicitis next week (or next year) neither random people on Mumsnet nor potential future friends will fill the gap people are encouraging her to create over a piece of cheese.

I spent years being a single parent and would rather have struggled than have someone think they have me over a barrel. That’s such a messed up dynamic to accept.

in answer to your question, yes 100% I’d be there for any mum that was struggling in this way. A lot of decent humans would. It’s entirely possible to create a network of other mums that can support you without being toxic about it.

FYI it’s not about “a piece of cheese” anyone with half a brain knows that

Loopylu60 · 26/10/2024 15:54

Woahtherehoney · 26/10/2024 10:36

Come on. You can’t think what her mum did is acceptable? Removing the oxygen mask off a child who desperately needs oxygen?! She’s better off without her mum there if she does that!

Show quote history

Not sure this is really about the cheese or more of a last straw. Grandmother sounds pushy and mum was rightly very stressed.
taking the mask off to allow a drink or a mouthful of food is totally acceptable IF the patient wants it. OP is there a hospital shop you could pop to quickly maybe when LO naps and stock up with snacks or pasta pots etc?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 15:51

And you will no doubt be stepping in to replace the actual real life support the OP is being encouraged to cut herself off from. Even though she made clear in her very first post that We have very little support. My mum is our only support.

It is very easy to say "Oh you will be better off without her" and "Start building friendship networks you can rely on". But if the OP gets appendicitis next week (or next year) neither random people on Mumsnet nor potential future friends will fill the gap people are encouraging her to create over a piece of cheese.

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/10/2024 15:35

I suggest you ease away from her as much as possible and, as others have suggested, try and build up a support network so you never have to rely on your Mum.

DanielaDressen · 26/10/2024 15:29

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2024 14:46

Is op perfectly happy or is she just trying to keep the police with her mother as she has been conditioned to do?

Show quote history

Exactly. There’s a lot of fear, obligation and guilt around trying to cut off a parent who is negatively affecting your life.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2024 15:25

McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:03

Let her walk and keep walking. I’d rather struggle than have someone feel they had power over me.

Considering your daughters sats were rather dangerous she’s an absolute horror for removing the oxygen mask for a bit of blooming cheese!

I would have to agree with this.

Your mother is not a good influence around your children. She ignores your boys and flatters your girl. Nope. Every one is equal in the household.

Don't reach out to her again. Try if you can to make friends with your neighbours and colleagues if you can so that you might be able to reach out to them more than your mother. When she stops being the crutch you reach for when things get difficult, her role in the family will be different.
Don't let her into your home if she visits. Just say that you are managing and she must contact you before she starts to set out to visit you as you may not be able to have her in the house or you might be doing something that you don't want her involved in which is perfectly reasonable.

Stay strong. I hope your DD is feeling better and that you're feeling stronger now!

Bakingandcrying · 26/10/2024 15:10

Firstly sorry to hear about your DD and I hope she makes a speedy recovery, secondly sending you hugs as this is such a tough time and moments like this really make you feel alone as a single parent.

your mum sounds awful, as do the PP’s who are sticking up for her. I completely get the 2 of you having a tense moment but as your mum and “support” she should have realised this was not the time and just let it go. To walk out like she did is a real “we’ll see how much she really needs me” move. As a PP said, her “help” is coming with serious strings attached.

once things are better I recommend trying to build yourself a village that doesn’t consist of narcissists, you sound like you’d really benefit from some decent support

all the best to you and your gang OP ❤️

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 14:56

i wasn’t expecting this many replies, I would just like to take a second to genuinely thank the pps who ‘get it’ for your understanding and kindness. It was really helpful during this difficult time and meant a lot! Obviously if you can’t relate, then you wouldn’t understand - and that’s fine too! Thanks all.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2024 14:46

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:06

The women sounds deeply unpleasant
And yet the Op is perfectly happy to have her in sole charge of her young child and even overnight stays

Is op perfectly happy or is she just trying to keep the police with her mother as she has been conditioned to do?

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 14:44

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:18

stubborn
controlling
ignores your son
you had a terrible childhood and left home at 16

sounds perfect candidate to be involved with your child

It’s so hard to cut off a controlling parent when you’ve been raised by one! I already cut my father off 20 years ago, I felt like although she wasn’t perfect mum she was the only family I had left if that makes sense. Like the lesser of two evils.

OP posts:
bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:18

stubborn
controlling
ignores your son
you had a terrible childhood and left home at 16

sounds perfect candidate to be involved with your child

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:16

For the very fact she has nothing to do with your boys, would be more than enough for me to never ever see her again

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:14

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 14:12

Furiously tapping away? Hardly. Anger is an emotion I rarely experience. My young child is sleeping a lot in hospital, leaving me with so much to do! I just wanted a little help to process a difficult situation and I had nobody else to talk to. Thanks for your helpful comment 🙂

Edited
Show quote history

can i ask… why you even have her around your child let alone sole care when you describe her as such on this thread ^^

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 14:12

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:05

You are in hospital with your young child

And here you are…,l tapping away furiously on your mumsnet thread annoyed with your mum

baffling

Furiously tapping away? Hardly. Anger is an emotion I rarely experience. My young child is sleeping a lot in hospital, leaving me with so much to do! I just wanted a little help to process a difficult situation and I had nobody else to talk to. Thanks for your helpful comment 🙂

OP posts:
bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:07

dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:38

I’m not reliant atall, on a normal day I have my children 24/7! I can go without the once a month my daughter goes to stay there, because I still have my sons!

Show quote history

so why?

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:06

The women sounds deeply unpleasant
And yet the Op is perfectly happy to have her in sole charge of her young child and even overnight stays

bestbehaveyou · 26/10/2024 14:05

You are in hospital with your young child

And here you are…,l tapping away furiously on your mumsnet thread annoyed with your mum

baffling

OnGoldenPond · 26/10/2024 13:49

Letsgocamping67 · 25/10/2024 23:19

Sounds like she was offering a bit of cheese to diffuse the situation and then you could try again with the mask, say 30 seconds later. It’s very upsetting to have a child in hospital. Maybe you did overreact a bit but understandable in the circumstances. Only you know how she usually is and how upset she may be as well.

Sounds like OP had managed to get her DC to keep the mask on after a battle to get it on and all was settled. Then her DM came in and insisted on taking the mask off again because she randomly decided the DC needed to eat cheese. Thus undoing all OP's good work for no good reason.

I agree her DM is not interested in really helping and just wants her own way. She should be ashamed. I would look elsewhere for support in future as the DM isn't interested in offering any.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 26/10/2024 13:38

sunshine244 · 26/10/2024 13:00

I find that grandparents tend to have a bit if an obsessions with feeding kids when they are unwell. I can totally understand the frustration. But she looks after your 2 year old autistic daughter every month for a sleepover? That's amazing. My autistic child has had four nights total at grandmas house in ten years (and she lives nearby). I'm not annoyed at my Mum- she finds it too hard work overnight.

Another thing to consider. You have two autistic kids who have different dads (I'm not clear if there's two or three dads for the kids). Given the very strong genetic link for autism and that you are the common factor have you considered if you and your mum are autistic too? That could explain some odd behaviour and also intolerance of each other. I didn't realise I'm provably autistic until my child was diagnosed.

Read all the ops comments. Her grandmother wants nothing to do with her other grandchildren because they are boys. Excuses should never be made for emotional or medical abuse.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 26/10/2024 13:32

MikeRafone · 26/10/2024 13:29

Of course there’s the usual comments suggesting you’re the one in the wrong. Ignore them; they’re probably from people just as unpleasant as your mother seems to be

totally agree with this^

You do not interfere with medical equipment and put a child who is sick in any discomfort or make them worse in anyway.

It makes you realise we live in a narcissistic world. Op you are doing the right thing. If I was you I would go low contact until she starts talking properly.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 26/10/2024 13:29

Katrinawaves · 26/10/2024 12:33

Honestly OP it doesn’t sound like you appreciate what a lot your mum does already.

I get that it’s hard having children with autism and that it’s hard to spend time with them in hospital. I’ve had to do that a lot with my 3, one of whom is profoundly autistic and non verbal.

But to put things in context:

1 Having your 2 year old with autism for an overnight stay once a month is a huge amount of support. That’s monthly respite for you. None of my family ever even saw my kids at that level of frequency and in 18 years only did one overnight stay when they had sole charge.

2 Coming to the hospital for 2 hours every day is also huge. Again, not even my husband was able to do that when I’ve been in with my kids. I assume there is a hospital shop or canteen on site. You will need to ask one of the ward staff to sit with your daughter for 15 mins, go the shop or canteen and buy enough food to last you for 24 hours. There will also be a parents room where you can make yourself hot drinks somewhere near your ward. I used to have to have a grab bag sitting by front door which had oatcakes and a tub of peanut butter in it for unexpected hospital admissions as they don’t feed parents on the ward and it is really tough when you have to be with your child constantly

3 there will also be a bathroom on the ward and the staff should be able to give you a towel so you can grab yourself a very quick shower at some point when your daughter is napping.

Its clear tensions ran high but I think you need to recognise that your mum is (at your own request) a very hands on grandparent. Much more than most. And she’s been looking after your child for 2 hours a day during the hospital stay so is also stressed and upset by the situation. So it’s unsurprising that when you snapped at her, she snapped back. That doesn’t mean she won’t be back tomorrow but for today you will need to lie in the bed you made and find a way to cope.

That's one part of the story what about her other grandchildren she has ignored because they are boys. The op has a 9 year old son and she wants nothing to do with him. The op asked her mother not to give her daughter the cheese instead she ignored her daughter's request and force fed her grandchild. She could have waited until she was stable instead she jumped right in there.

One more thing the op had to raise her first child alone when she was 16 because grandmother of the year couldn't care less. The op has a 19 year old son. She moved out of her mother's house so she could raise him.

I am sure you wouldn't put up with it if your mother favoured one grandchild over the rest of her grandchildren.

MikeRafone · 26/10/2024 13:29

Of course there’s the usual comments suggesting you’re the one in the wrong. Ignore them; they’re probably from people just as unpleasant as your mother seems to be

totally agree with this^

You do not interfere with medical equipment and put a child who is sick in any discomfort or make them worse in anyway.

Craftycorvid · 26/10/2024 13:27

I think the bottom line is that you repeatedly asked her not to do something, were over-ruled, and your mum then acted as if she was the wounded party. Yes, feelings are bound to run high in this situation but there is a big difference between ‘look, I’m going to get a cup of tea for ten minutes’ and flouncing off.

MikeRafone · 26/10/2024 13:25

Id go it alone and distance yourself from this person. If they are trying to undermine you and controlling, thats not a healthy relationship and minimising contact may help you and also see how you feel when they aren't around for long periods.

When youre caught up in the middle of something, often you can't see how this person is affecting your life. They made this comment at the hospital as if they can do what they like as you need them - thats not a nice way to behave - its not normal

User236792 · 26/10/2024 13:19

I’ve been in this situation with my tiny child very sick in hospital. Honestly, two things come to mind:

  1. If my mother, or anyone else, did anything to endanger my child I would have told them to leave.
  2. I wouldn’t have to do that because they wouldn’t have. It is unusually bad behaviour that I think you have realised is part of a bigger pattern.

Unless you’ve been in this position, it’s hard to imagine how hard it is. Love and support sent your way.