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Original poster

Friend doesn't want to go out after dark on holiday

210 replies

curtainp0le · 25/10/2024 22:23

I am going on holiday for 3 nights with 2 friends to a popular city in Spain in a couple of weeks. One friend, let's call her Susan, is keen to go to a bar or a club one evening. We are mid/late 20s but none of us are major clubbers or party people. I don't drink at all. The other friend, Elaine, is reluctant to go to a bar. She is scared to 'be out too late in a place I don't know. Scary stories in the news have made me extra cautious'.
I said that we will stick together, but even at that she is worried about walking back late to our hotel as we are 'still a group of girls'. I said there will be night buses and trams. I also pointed out that in Spain they eat dinner late and it will get dark about 7pm, so by necessity we will probably have to be out after dark if we want to have anything to eat. At this, Elaine said we will need to get a phone number for a taxi.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this attitude? I totally understand, in light of recent events, why she is concerned. I don't want to cause drama. But I also feel we need to be realistic that statistically anything like that is extremely unlikely. I don't want to feel restricted on the basis of Elaine's fears. I don't want to sit in the hotel from 7pm onwards. It's my holiday too! And Susan genuinely wants to go to a bar. How would you manage this?

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/10/2024 10:39

It’s pretty unusual for her to feel this way and I can only assume something has either happened to her, or she’s struggling with anxiety, so I wouldn’t mock her or judge her, but it also wouldn’t stop me from going out. Leave her at the hotel after dinner, and you and your other friend can go out. If she expects you to stay in the hotel after dark too, she’s being unreasonable and controlling.

ridl14 · 26/10/2024 10:39

Sounds like she doesn't have much experience abroad! City centres in Spain are much busier, more bustling, well-lit and safe IME (visited many times and used to live there). They're also far more pedestrian. Families will still be out having dinner at 10pm. Let her do what she wants and she'll probably calm down when you actually get there.

saraclara · 26/10/2024 09:41

Newyearnewnameagain20 · 26/10/2024 07:47

When you are replying to the original OP you don’t need to quote the post

Show quote history

Wow. I don't know how that happened. I never quote OPs and hate it when people do.
Must have been a rogue tap of the finger. Mortified.

TwistedWonder · 26/10/2024 09:36

AzureLemon · 26/10/2024 09:31

You know this makes absolutely no sense right? These women were not abducted and killed whilst eating out in Spain after dark with friends.

Women do get killed in Spain of course. As is the case in the UK, many of these killings take place in daylight. Women also drown in the sea, die in road traffic accidents or when buildings catch fire. Nothing and nowhere is totally safe, not even cowering in a hotel room.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Just being alive carries risk and we have to get on with life and not hide away in fear ‘just in case’

Sadly isolated tragic things happen. We can wrap ourselves in cotton wool and still not avoid risk

Having grown up with my paternal grandmother being Catalan, being out at night in Spain was normal for me from a very young age. The cities are vibrant and bustling at night - the OP and her friends are safer there than in their own town in the UK

AzureLemon · 26/10/2024 09:31

curtainp0le · 25/10/2024 22:48

It is real unfortunately.

Friend does have a history of anxiety (as do I incidentally) so I think that's why this fear is exaggerated.

Recent events as in for example Ashling Murphy, Sarah Everard; women not being safe to live their everyday lives.

You know this makes absolutely no sense right? These women were not abducted and killed whilst eating out in Spain after dark with friends.

Women do get killed in Spain of course. As is the case in the UK, many of these killings take place in daylight. Women also drown in the sea, die in road traffic accidents or when buildings catch fire. Nothing and nowhere is totally safe, not even cowering in a hotel room.

TwistedWonder · 26/10/2024 08:33

DBD1975 · 25/10/2024 23:30

I thought you were going to say you were past your prime in terms of your age! Seriously you are in your twenties, going to Spain and one of the group doesn't want to sample the night life, you might as well be going to Margate!
Life is short, you won't be young forever, go out and party, leave your friend at the hotel but don't let her stop you enjoying yourself, have fun 😊.

Margate has some great bars and nightlife so Elane would find a reason not to go out there as well.

RampantIvy · 26/10/2024 08:28

The clocks go back in Spain this weekend. It will be getting dark before 6pm (I'm looking at Barcelona).

Your friend either sucks it up and goes out with you, or she stays in the hotel on her own.

99OrangeBalloons · 26/10/2024 08:28

There's no way your in your 20s but picked Susan and Elaine as the code names for your friends 🤣

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 26/10/2024 07:58

Lentilweaver · 25/10/2024 22:26

Leave Elaine at home and go to the bar with Susan. I have no patience with all this unnecessary drama.

Exactly. People (Elaine) can choose to stay in the hotel if they want to, do the normal holiday things and enjoy yourself.

Simonjt · 26/10/2024 07:54

curtainp0le · 25/10/2024 22:48

It is real unfortunately.

Friend does have a history of anxiety (as do I incidentally) so I think that's why this fear is exaggerated.

Recent events as in for example Ashling Murphy, Sarah Everard; women not being safe to live their everyday lives.

What does she do at home when its dark at 4pm and likely dark on the journey to work?

Newyearnewnameagain20 · 26/10/2024 07:47

saraclara · 25/10/2024 22:24

You do that you want to do, and which is perfectly normal behaviour. If she's not happy, then she can stay at the hotel. She cannot restrict you to this degree.

Show quote history

When you are replying to the original OP you don’t need to quote the post

Missmarymack2 · 26/10/2024 07:40

Spent a good few weeks in Spain last year. A lot of restaurants didn’t open until 8 or even 9. I agree with people who said toddlers will be out later than Elaine. Playgrounds were packed after dark as it was too hot to go to them during the day. I would make it clear in advance that you will not be staying in the hotel and intend going out at night. She can do whatever she wants but you don’t have to stay in with her.

Alaimo · 26/10/2024 07:33

yeaitsmeagain · 26/10/2024 02:39

It will probably get dark at 8:30pm if not later, the clocks change this weekend and I've just come back from Spain and it wasn't dark until 8pm. Plenty of locals out and about like it was a summer evening at that time no different to being out in the day, especially as Spaniards are much better behaved than English people after a few drinks.

Edited

Thr clocks go the other way. If it was dark at 8pm now, it'll be dark at 7.

Sartre · 26/10/2024 07:01

As others said, she can stay in the hotel and you go out. Don’t let her anxieties dictate the whole holiday, she’s being ridiculous. Most European cities are completely safe for women, I’d put money on whichever Spanish city it is being as safe at night as London or Manchester.

LlynTegid · 26/10/2024 06:59

I think this should have been said before you chose when to go and booked anything. If you then thought it would not really work you could have chosen not to go.

To be honest, I'd be much more confident in Spain than in the UK in an evening (have not been there since 2018), as they have a no nonsense police force and a functioning justice system.

ThePoshUns · 26/10/2024 06:55

Pureasthedrivensnowww · 25/10/2024 23:14

I don't have one, it's not made up. It apparently happened maybe 30+ years ago? I was a kid at the time and it's stayed with me because of how awful it is.

oh lordie @OwnBrandCornflake use your critical thinking skills. Video calls did not exist 30+ years ago, mobile phones barely. This didn’t happen.

Your aunt had a mobile phone that could be used in Spain 30years ago? I doubt this very much unless she was loaded. I think one of you might be ' misremembering'

topaz27 · 26/10/2024 03:11

Passwordsaremynemesis · 26/10/2024 02:20

Yeah I wouldn’t do any of that. I’m not going to pander to a wet lettuce, actually I wouldn’t go on holiday with someone like this either. I’m no spring chicken, but when I’m on holiday I want to enjoy myself and that includes eating out, drinking loads and maybe dancing, all of which happens a lot later than 7 pm, especially if I’m in Spain!

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The OP specifically said Susan wasn't a big drinker. So, it shouldn't be a big deal for her and Susan to not drink loads and to let Elaine know that, to help her worry less.

I'd pander a little bit if I was good enough friends to go on holiday with someone, but I am slightly baffled at why the three of them have agreed to go on holiday together. It doesn't sound like Susan and Elaine have similar worldviews.

NiftyKoala · 26/10/2024 02:48

She can stay in the hotel. Don't cater to this and stay in. It's your holiday too.

yeaitsmeagain · 26/10/2024 02:39

It will probably get dark at 8:30pm if not later, the clocks change this weekend and I've just come back from Spain and it wasn't dark until 8pm. Plenty of locals out and about like it was a summer evening at that time no different to being out in the day, especially as Spaniards are much better behaved than English people after a few drinks.

Differentstarts · 26/10/2024 02:38

drspouse · 25/10/2024 22:53

The most dangerous place for women to live their everyday lives is at home with their partner.

This 100%. The odds of being attacked by a stranger are low. The majority of violence that happens to women and kids is by people they know

Passwordsaremynemesis · 26/10/2024 02:20

topaz27 · 26/10/2024 01:39

It's not possible to go to somewhere like Spain and not go out late (which at this time of year will be dark) unless you agree to go to an all-inclusive resort and never leave the site. I'm assuming this isn't an all-inclusive and you've just booked a hotel that happens to have a restaurant, i.e. you could eat there if so inclined but don't have to? The sort of person who wants to do all-inclusive and sort of person who doesn't really shouldn't be on the same holiday together...

I get the fear. The fear is real. I'm more aware of risk now than when I was younger. I will go out when it's dark, but I don't really drink anymore and I always wear shoes I can run in if chased. I wouldn't want to go out in a foreign country if the two women I was with were planning to get shitfaced, but it doesn't sound like that applies here (you even said you don't drink).

The compromise is that you and Susan go out, Susan is sensible with her drinking and as you say, you don't drink anyway. That way, Elaine knows you're not putting yourselves into a vulnerable situation - you're going out in a pair and you're both fully alert and aware of your surroundings. She stays in with room service and doesn't worry about the two of you as much as she might because she knows you're making sensible choices. You send her a text when you're both safely back at the hotel and not dead.

But the above is only a valid plan if you, Susan and Elaine are all close friends and not just three random women who have ended up on holiday together. I'd modify my behaviours slightly, I'd send 'Not dead yet x' messages as needed, but I wouldn't spend my holiday in my hotel every single night. That would be pushing what I'm prepared to do for someone else's anxiety.

Yeah I wouldn’t do any of that. I’m not going to pander to a wet lettuce, actually I wouldn’t go on holiday with someone like this either. I’m no spring chicken, but when I’m on holiday I want to enjoy myself and that includes eating out, drinking loads and maybe dancing, all of which happens a lot later than 7 pm, especially if I’m in Spain!

KenAdams · 26/10/2024 01:53

So you're all in your mid twenties but the first names you could come up with were Susan and Elaine?

You were born around 2000 and your friend wants a "number for a local taxi". You wouldn't be old enough to actually call for a taxi, you'd have been using Uber or similar since you were old enough to be going out in the evenings. Try harder.

rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo · 26/10/2024 01:50

Posted too soon. You’re young! It’s only Spain?! Just go and have fun. Boring Elaine can stay in by herself.

Runnerinthenight · 26/10/2024 01:50

She's an absolute idiot! My DDs are a similar age and they live their lives without fear. One is currently living in a European capital city solo. She also lived in London for a year doing student internships on her own. She's always considered herself to be socially awkward, but she managed to do that!! She spent three years in uni far away from home.

Eldest spent a year in France living on the premises of the school where she worked with no-one else on site! Shit all public transport too. She also spent 3 weeks in China not knowing anyone before she went, plus two months solo in Spain, and 3 years in an English city where she also didn't know anyone to begin with, and lived alone.

Elaine has massive issues!!

rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo · 26/10/2024 01:49

I spent my 20s almost exclusively socializing at night time, in countries all over the world that I was backpacking in. Found myself in the most wild situations with all sorts of people, had an absolute blast.

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