Surname etiquette after marriage

I never understand people who act as though something awful will happen if a man takes his wife's surname. One of my cousins on my dad's side is a murderer. My parents are both quite old-fashioned, but my dad took my mum's name so my siblings and I wouldn't be harassed due to our family history. We're in out thirties now and there have never been any problems caused by it.

I see threads on here where people say "On MN everyone's a feminist and keeps their maiden name, but the real world doesn't work like that." Apparently my family isn't actually real!

I’m not sure if I’m a feminist or not. I have simply gone through life making decisions that suit me, show respect, don’t stress anyone out. I don’t wear badges of any kind because I simply don’t think I need them.

He didn’t add my maiden name to his name, no. My choice to change my name in the way I did; he didn’t ask/ expect me to

I completely agree that people should be free to give their opinions, but there is a difference between sharing your own views about something like this and dictating what other people should do. Some posters (and I'm not singling anyone out in particular) seem unable to accept that other people feel differently, and their views are just as valid as theirs. I would never tell another woman that she should not change her name when she gets married, because her views are just as correct to her as mine are to me.

Why would you change your name? I didn't and that was 30 years ago. Never an issue, even travelling with kids. Though I did have to explain to an immigration guy at Los Angeles airport that yes I was on honeymoon and no it wasn't a legal requirement to change my name. Same when registering first baby.

@Growlybear83 surely it's OK to say what you think people should do. There are always posts saying "give the baby his name" for example. And I think women should make feminist choices. No reason why I shouldn't say that. I'm not holding a gun to your head! And I accept that some women aren't feminists. I think they are bonkers-but there you are.🤣

@CurlewKate
There have been posts on this thread telling women what they SHOULD do. There is also an assumption by many people on Mumsnet that all women would class themselves as feminists, when that is not necessarily the case.

@Growlybear83 "And I find threads like this, where women are being told that they shouldn't change their name if they want to, a deeply depressing start to any day, not just Sunday"

They aren't being told that-as I have said repeatedly. Women can do whatever they want. It's just that some choices are feminist and some choices aren't.

Conversely, I don’t know any that haven’t.

I wouldn't worry about it. Middle names hardly ever get spoken out loud.

Errr, my mum’s surname was even worse, so no thanks to that option. I am a feminist, sometimes even an angry one, but I still think I have the right to choose my own name. I didn’t change it before I got married because it wasn’t that big a deal to me, but getting married was a great way to get rid of it. And I don’t really give two shits if you disagree with my choice, as it is just that, my choice.

And I find threads like this, where women are being told that they shouldn't change their name if they want to, a deeply depressing start to any day, not just Sunday.

@Bellatrixpure "You don’t even have to explain yourself to these angry feminists"

You say "angry feminists". I say "feminists"!

Of course you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You can just change or not change your name as you wish. But if you explain your reasons for changing your name for other people to read, then you're bound to come up against people who disagree with you. Otherwise it's not a discussion, it's just a list of "choices people have made".

Incidentally, the only even slightly angry people I've seen is the poster who said "I don't give a toss about female disempowerment" and a couple of shocked responders....

Good yayy, penis in tact that is good for you

I never use my middle name

or just allow women to make their own decision? No point talking about what @Passwordsaremynemesis ’s Mum could have done regarding her name. I think she made the braver decision by leaving he violent husband.

@Passwordsaremynemesis you don’t need to justify anything, ignore the passive aggressiveness of people saying you SHOULD have kept your name, who are they to tell you what is right for you. There must be some mental trauma attached to your fathers name.

My military husband took my name, he wanted to because he hated his last name. I loved his name, but we agreed to go with mine, and guess what? His penis didn’t fall off!

This is exactly why women should keep their own surnames and give them to their children. If your mother had done that, you would have had her surname and not your abusive father's, and you would have had no reason to change it.

You had your own reasons for the choice you made, but we need more women to keep their surnames (and pass them on) in order to break the cycle.

You really struck out for women with that choice. Well done. <slow clap>

You don’t even have to explain yourself to these angry feminists.

Whatever. My husband just reminded me he did say that he was happy to take my name or double barrel, but I preferred to take his( much better) surname. My mum divorced my dad for DV so I was quite glad to see the back of his name really. If that bothers you, I don’t really care. Feminism to me is about being able to make your own choices in life, YMMV.

Of course people can and should make their own choices. But if you're a feminist, you have to acknowledge that some of the choices you make are influenced by a profoundly patriarchal society and are by definition anti feminist. And it's also important not to retrofit rationales. As in "I have always absolutely hated my last name" Not enough to go through the simple and inexpensive process of changing it, though.....

Feminism is about equality of opportunity. It’s not equal that women are expected to do something that men aren’t. That “choice” isn’t made in a vacuum. Your individual choice has impact on those that see you do it. The expectation that women change their names means those of us that don’t frequently have to explain our choices.

Thank goodness that knight in shining armour came to rescue you from your hideous surname (that wasn’t horrendous enough to do a thing about beforehand or for any males with the name to be concerned about). Imagine if he hadn’t and you’d had to live with it forever! The horror!

Forget women's empowerment if you are so inclined. Just practically speaking, given 50% of marriages end in divorce, it may be smarter to keep your own name. I know someone who is twice divorced, changed her name each time, and my god the paperwork.

I don't really understand why having a name different to your kids is so terrible.

What I meant was, unlike my dh family, we did not emigrate, so there are plenty of us with the surname where we live. Not so for my DH.