To never let child see friend again

One of the nastiest girls I have ever met had a very nice mother. The child was very planned and wanted in an affluent familly. This child was awful from toddlerhood - she whacked my child in front of us both and then tried to say it was my child who had done the hitting. The mother told me once she tried to have a lot of outings so she didn't have to spend much time with her one to one. The play date was rounded out by the child knowing her mother had just had surgery trying to hit her on the surgery site to hurt her. It was totally deliberate.

My son refused to have anything more to do with this girl and he was right. I felt very sorry for her mother but my child wasn't going to be a punching bag for her daughter. I was just grateful my son didn't hit her back because although younger he was about twice her size.

I'm with your husband on this one. So what if she's reformed. Never too early to learn that actions have consequences.

I think it depends. Has the other child's behaviour genuinely changed and has she apologised to your daughter? I don't have children but I am a teacher and know that, even in Year 6, children can make pretty big mistakes and behave really badly. But they can be taught to reflect and change on their actions and grow into very nice young people who others want to be friends with. Definitely not always but sometimes. So, I wouldn't write the child off as a friend without talking to your daughter honestly about whether the relationship has changed and finding out if there is still unkind or bullying behaviour going on. If the child hasn't changed, then I am definitely with your husband. Your friendship with another adult can't be prioritised over your daughter's happiness and well being.

In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child.

As an adult, would you want to spend any time with someone who was doing that to you? Why are you expecting your child to do the same? I would be advising my child to stay far far away. They're 10 or 11, not 5. I'm with your husband on this one.

I'm quite a relaxed parent usually, and I agree with your DH on this.

Why do you want to teach your 10/11 year old that they should shrug and accept a lame apology (if there was one?) from someone who belittled them, bullied them and has been physically violent to them? Is that really a lesson you want “child” to be taught?? Accept abusive toxic relationship because you don’t matter as much as my friendships with the bully’s mummy? Yeah I don’t want my preteen getting that message and thankfully your DH doesn’t want “child” to either.

If the mum is nice form your friendship with her outside of your children. Don’t make your “child” be friends with someone who picks on them and hits them just so you can have a mum friend - Christ does this stuff really need explaining to an adult 🙄

I'm with your husband on this. What message is it giving your child to encourage a friendship where name calling and being physical is ever ok? Fuck that!

A good lesson for your child, and the perpetrator, that unkind and mean behaviour simply isn't accepted and won't be tolerated.

It isn't up to DH solely, he doesn't get to lay down the law. You can have an input too.

My DD was your DD at end of primary and like you I tried to smooth it over because the mum was nice. Years on, I regret it so much. I did my DD a massive disservice in not withdrawing her sooner from the friendship, which actually wasn’t a genuine friendship at all. Listen to your DH, he has the right approach.

I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together

Surely at 10/11 it's not up to the mum? At that age children choose for themselves who they want to spend time with.

This.
Stand up for your child for goodness sake, no-one needs 'friends' like this.

I am.witj your husband o thos, you need to have your child's back.

Is he also dictating that you aren't allowed to be friends with the Mum at all?

Why do you say 'child' as if it's a random object or thing? Is this child your child? Because you sound so detached if so, like you're referencing an object or a child from another street. You don't even say my child, or DC.

Just.... 'child'.

Very strange and cold.

This is a toxic friendship.

Also where is the kid learning about the hitting? She's 10-11yrs old.

Don't normalise abuse for your child by saying 'ahhh it's OK, she said sorry, and hasn't hit you for a few months, I really like this child's mother, so please continue this friendship'.

You understand the message this sends to your kid, right?

If they were ages 2-4yrs old - different story altogether but 10-11yrs old? Along with belittling.....sounds like the other child needs help but not at the expense of your daughter.

Teach her how to walk away and cut ties with violent abusive people.

In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child.

This is serious. You need to be there for your child. I agree with your husband.

It’s pretty unusual for this to happen between year 6 friends, repeatedly, in the absence of developmental, family or SEND concerns.

but also, who do you feel you have to do what your DH says? You don’t. You know that, right?

is your DH a bit of a bully? If so, that makes your kid a likely target for bullying or being a bully.

Just tell her the truth. To be clear is to be kind. Otherwise she'll never know why and fret. It's also ok for her to tell her child why, and they may learn not to hit their friends.

My child is also hitting sometimes butnisnmuch younger, and if he's hitting other kids I'd rather know.

If friend is belittling your child and hitting her, I would be trying to teach your daughter about friendships/ relationships and what unacceptable.

Hopefully she will realise for herself that this behaviour is not on & find other friends.

I wouldn’t be encouraging this friendship & dont think Id want her hanging around my house.

So a 10 or 11 year old girl is hitting your daughter? And you want them to be friends?

Your DH is on a hiding to nothing banning them from seeing each other. They're at the same school, FFS. But why are you actively wanting then to spend time together? The other child's mother isn't your problem.

I'm torn on this one. Your DH is out of line IMO for making a unilateral decision. Why does he get the final say if you disagree? That's not how things work in a partnership.

On the other hand, this kid sounds pretty awful. So I don't necessarily disagree with his viewpoint but just with the way he expects to get his way without discussion.

I’m in a really awkward situation because I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together and I just have to keep saying we are busy.

Stop being such a wet blanket and advocate for your child!! Tell the truth!!

It is a bit unusual for children this age to hit their friends. It sounds like you are prioritising your friendship with the mother because you don’t want it to be awkward whereas your DH is teaching your child that people hitting them is not something they should have to put up with.

Bad behaviour doesn’t make for nice guests and it works both ways. My children know to be nice and polite so they are invited for play dates. If their “friends” have been rude arseholes, they aren’t invited around. You’re doing your child no favours encouraging a friendship with an aggressive child.

This kid is putting your child down, making them cry and getting physical. Why on earth do you want them to keep seeing each other. Team DH