Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

This about sums it up.

Mental load is not about "perfection" for me. It's all the general caring responsibilities for someone else other than myself. The having to care about a crusty ear on pet cat, having to care what the child will have for dinner, having to care about brother's wedding... Strangely enough, I don't like my life resembling a to-do list for every minute of my waking hour. I don't stress about "how" I'll execute it - I just hate that the task list is there.

Any partner (hence I intend to stay single) only adds to the mental load. There's yet another person to be "kept on mind" at all times.

Everyone knows the kids at school that won't have a costume on book day, won't be wearing non uniform on non uniform day, won't have party food on party day and it's probably not that nice for them

Kids don't have a miserable childhood if their parents don't do elf on the bloody shelf! FFS

You sound like my husband. Doesn't see mess or dirt but kids will be fed and would have done their activities. Laundry may or may not be up to date. May have forgotten some info that came by email but you know as ignorance is bliss, he will still be relaxed.

I have wanted to adopt a more relaxed attitude and chill like he does . Now whilst I still don't understand how the washing basked is full and the clothes won't take themselves in the wasning machine, I try not to have a go. And say that as he is so good at x, y and z, he should continue doing things his way and I enjoy more leisure time

@rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo we skew later by choice too but if you have kids who struggle with sleep for whatever reason a routine does make your life easier. (My kids when little have always been more like 10pm- 8am sleepers.) I agree that eating dinner at 5 is barbaric.

Kids have a miserable childhood if their parents never do any of the "nice around the edges" stuff though. It doesn't have to be a Halloween party, it might be special playdates, birthday parties, Bonfire Night, "elf on the shelf", Christmas stuff... But all kids deserve their parents to put the effort in to do some special things.

That's what I mean about the difference between surviving and thriving. You can do the bare minimum, yes, but it's no fun for the kids.

Don't all parents want their children to look back and have memories of some really, really fun times that they had at home with friends?

Dunno if anyone has mentioned this already cos it's a long thread but it sounds like you benefited massively from routines and expectations that your wife had already done the work of putting in place. It's like inheriting a business rather than just a premises.

there is literally no 'right' way of answering this because everyone's line in the sand of what is basic/acceptable/good/high/ideal (or just basic necessities vs nice-to-have) is different.

Some people see ironing as the bog standard basic whereas for others it's a job-interview only thing

Some people would consider sending the kids to school in a jumper with a few small ketchup stains on the sleeves absolutely revolting, whereas others would think it ridiculous to wash an otherwise clean shirt when they will get more stains by lunchtime anyway

Some people think taking the kids to pick up a birthday present for their friend and then getting all the card and glue and glitter and pens out to draw them a personalised card is a lovely creative activity their friend will treasure and friend's mum will appreciate so worth the slight fuss, others will think dragging a whiny kid around the shops and then clearing up all the mess is a complete waste of time when the kid will probably chuck it in the bin the next day and a fiver in a 59p card factory card is the way to go.

None of us know if, were we OP's wife's friend, and she complained to us about OP, we'd say 'Ooh actually Emily, I didn't want to say anything but when I went around to borrow the octopus costume for the school play the house was an absolute tip and the kids were still up and screaming at 10pm and Mrs Smith told me they'd worn the same dirty top to school every day that week, oh and when I went to the loo it was absolutely filthy' or

'Really? When I popped around to get that octopus costume everything looked fine, yeah it took Rob a little while to find it but we had a chat in the meantime, kids were in bed, and tbh the house wasn't as clean as it is today but it was cleaner than mine! The loo? Yeah I did pop in but tbh I didn't notice anything, seemed fine to me, maybe not perfectly tidy but clean enough that I didn't make an excuse and pee at home instead!'

You are choosing to do all that though, and that's fine. It is also fine for none of that to happen.

There's a difference between stuff that has to be done, and then the nice stuff around the edges.

If all this stuff is "just life", then how come apparently there are some people who get through life without having to do any of it?

It's not "just life" because, unlike eating, sleeping and shitting, it has to be thought about. Someone has to make sure that there are clean sheets on the beds, food in the cupboard and toilet roll in the loos. Someone has to clean the bathroom, supervise tooth brushing and book dentists' appointments otherwise you get squalor and rotting teeth.

None of this happens automatically, it all requires effort and thoughts. As evidenced by the fact that there are plenty of families living lives where no one thinks about these things. They're the ones with social services involved and having their kids removed.

What I'm gathering from this thread is that 'mental load' is just a new term for 'life'. All of that stuff is just life. Or rather modern life. We all have to do it, single, married, parents or child free. Some of the things people are listing as 'mental load' is laughable. Booking a doctor's appointment, mot or renewing your insurance is not mental load, they're just necessary tasks, everyone has to do these things (well ok booking a dr appointment is an actual endurance test these days, bad example).
Seems like a lot of you have partnered up with people with very different priorities and standards and therein lies the problem. I'm a LP but if I didn't have DC I'd still have a ton of tasks needing done, house still needs cleaned, food still needs bought and cooked, car insurance still needs renewed or whatever. I can see how it must be annoying to have a lazy partner but that is a choice, you can always end a relationship if it's uneven.

Dh spends a ridiculous amount of time on his phone. It always amazes me that he never appears to have read any school emails or planned how we're going to go to school events etc. I think part of it is that I work in education, so he subconsciously assumes I will deal with everything school related at home too. Except that's where I need him to pick up the slack, because my head is too full of the school stuff that actually pays the bills.

Who is sitting here thinking, this lucky woman, I bet OP's got the kids' Halloween costumes organised for trick-or-treating next week, bought sweets in for trick-or-treaters, ordered the pumpkin and organised pizza and hot dogs for friends coming back afterwards? And he's planning to give the house a freshen-up beforehand 😂?

Well done for doing the bare minimum, for a (relatively short by the sounds of it) period of time.

All the single parents, parents of disabled children and parents who don't find it all such a breeze should bow down to your superiority.

the attitude that work is somehow easy street and doesn't come with a huge mental load of its own - my job certainly does and I'm lucky enough to be in a field which is my actual passion. I've seen a lot of posts on here implying that people in full-time jobs are essentially swanning out of the house for a lovely relaxing break all day. Not sure what jobs you've ever had but I've never experienced that!

But when 2 people are working ft it is surely fair that they are sharing all the "bits and pieces" (and house chores) that can easily be overlooked. That's what I'm aggrieved about. If I was at home I wouldn't have the slightest problem with any of the things I listed, it's that the default is that I will remember, sort, plan in advance, adjust my work hours to fit stuff in, on top of working FT. Lots of people will say "just don't do it" but then there is a high risk it doesn't get done at all.
Last year I forgot to do the consent form for vaccinations at school, (DH occassionally reads school emails, I'm not sure he's ever actually replied or taken any action required) so I had to take DS to a catch up clinic at the weekend, at an inconvenient location. My fault because I missed the deadline but ideally as there are 2 parents who received the email there could be 2 chances at remembering!

If you're such a super star, and if this is all so easy for you, why on earth were you letting your poor wife struggle with it on her own until she actually left the country?!

With her high standards, and your superhuman levels of organisation and energy, you guys should be living the actual dream these days 🤷‍♀️

There is a lot of stuff that people try to shoehorn into "mental load". The majority is just life. Up thread someone mentioned filling the car with petrol, how is there any deep thinking about that? Doing the shopping? Cleaning the sink?

Apps, lists, calendar reminders are all simple tools that can take away any need for remembering. Ok there is the initial set up, but I get a notification a week before a birthday and sort from there.

It's up there with life admin, and the supposed hours this takes each week. We have it far easier than previous generations in a way as so much stuff is automated - direct debits for example takes away the need to physically pay a bill.

However, I do think everyone has a tipping point, the letter from school asking for x is the thing that just tips everything over the edge, just like can happen in a work situation.

Also 12 of those 15 points was my reality in the teenage years so I would disagree. That this is disingenuous.

Both dh and I held down a full time job during this period. Mine was shift patterns.

I will also state I don't think my experience is unusual.

Now your wife is home I'm sure that it'll be easy to do half each and keep the house to a high standard. After all you are superman and a shining example to us mere mortals.

The mental load is not a single day. It's the build up of all of it.

As a prime example I can't think of many blokes who deliberate whether having a loo brush is a 'no no' or whether feeding a kid fish fingers invokes too many UPFs - it's mainly other women i feel put the pressures on other women to be perfect in every aspect of life. - although there are a few obsessional Nellie neat men out there who put pressure on too - ones who often come from backgrounds where they feel the need to impress others with 'look what I've got'

I don’t think it matters what people call it, whether it’s mental load or life admin or whatever. You’re allowed to feel weighed down by it if you’re also eg working, you’re allowed to hate it and you’re allowed to be resentful if you live with someone who doesn’t pull their weight or does a subpar performance.

If only life was doing an online shop
once a week and pre-planned dentist appointments. I’m sure those of us with children who need regular specialist appointments that need to be chased up constantly, for example, would love that. Just because you’re not feeling it, doesn’t mean others aren’t. But again, well done you as you’ve clearly cracked it.

I agree with the OP that the mental load is heavy because of the pressures society puts on women and we put on ourselves.

It's also instructive that many people on this thread to outdo themselves with imaginary tales of how grim the OP's life was, when he says it was fine.

The point is that some parents don't do this stuff - they leave it to the other parent.
They never ever think about the dentist for their children.
They never think about what Xmas present to buy for which person, or who should be on the list for a present and who just gets a card.
They never organise holidays, never think about what needs to be packed, or what clothes need to be laundered in advance ready to pack.
They don't know what tickets need booking for what and how far in advance.
They just never think, plan, anticipate, or remember.

Mental load is not necessarily difficult, yes it is just 'life' or 'getting on with stuff'.
But in the context of an argument between two parents about the balance of housework and other responsibilities, the mental load is a significant factor and should be taken into account.