Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

We all definitely have different standards and some people struggle to adapt to others’ standards .
That said , there are bare minimums …..
kids tired / late for school is a big no no .
Takeaways more frequently , if you can afford it , no bother !
Is it becoming a deal breaker between the two of you ?
Is some help eg cleaner an option ?

I think you have to align. Yes if there are two of you who are happy with a messy house, lots of takeaways and spending more on doing things last minute that's fine, but if you're on a tight budget, care about cooked meals from scratch, wants the kids to access extra curriculars or exercise or feel agitated by a messy house then it's a problem.
Fwiw I'm quite lazy/relaxed about things but it annoys the shite out of me that when it's my partner's turn to do something he just outsources it or doesn't bother. It puts more pressure on me to do things 'right'.

I think this is the best post I've read so far on the thread.

There is this assumption by so many here that one partner who wants a more relaxed household must have shitty standards living in filth.

Often, the standards of both partners are actually fine - they are just different. It's one of the difficulties of living with another person, and requires compromise.

Being the less admin oriented, less think ahead person, living with a perfectionist, can also be stressful and unpleasant for the more relaxed person. I realize that's difficult to understand for those who like things more planned out but it's true. It can make it hard to relax in your own place.

I've never found the "mental load" that hard to be honest.

I've always been a lone parent however so it's always been up to me to do 100% of everything. I guess when you have no other choice you just crack on.

I'd be annoyed if I had a partner that didn't pull their weight with stuff.

I feel that if you managed 3 young children and a home by yourself for a few months at a time you have done pretty well and had some organisation skills

But women do stuff like that all the time, making admin errors.

They don't get people on MN blasting them for being shit parents and lazy. Sometimes they get some ideas for overcoming the issue but people generally understand. Lots of people, women, struggle with the achieving perfectionist parenting or just don't even want to do it.

I knew from the title it would be.

I have similar that I'm expected to know/remember everything like a human ask Alexa. This morning DH decided before going on holiday at lunchtime thst we needed a new suitcase, and immediately asked me what time John Lewis opened! I do not shop or work for JL so have no idea. Obviously I just googled but why not just do it himself? We've been to new restaurants and he'll ask me where the toilets are....it drives me insane!

He organised staying at a friend's apartment. I do not have friends phone number or address of said accomodation. DH said, I'll forward you the details in case my phone runs out of battery eg -hoping I'll take responsibility for finding the place!

I touched on it earlier, but I do seriously think that the emotional aspect of the mental load is sometimes overlooked. Throw into any already tightly packed schedule something like serious illness, accident, bereavement, redundancy, financial crisis or the like, and it can royally screw over the most capable persons equilibrium.

And these things do happen. Some people have to live with extra levels of ongoing stress for a long time, and while it's claimed that we just need more resilience, and we must get back to normal and not let the kiddiwinks or man-child suffer any inconvenience, it's just not realistic. People end up having breakdowns trying to maintain even basic expectations in such scenarios.

No doubt the cry will be "but that's different - of course some slack should be cut in such circumstances" however, I've seen threads on here where the OP says - "I'm at my wits end, my legs fallen off, the house burned down, my partner has run off with my mother and the dog has rabies" and the responses are just so tone deaf "Do you have pet insurance? House insurance? If not, why not?" Or "Paralympians don't let their disabilities get in the way of gold" or "Perhaps your husband is under stress" see also "spa break".

In all seriousness there was a thread a little while ago about someone's sister who was having a complete nervous breakdown after her husband did a complete vanishing act without warning, and some of the responses were very Mary Poppins - "Spit spot, mustn't wallow, the children will suffer".

On an every day level the emotional load can be just as taxing, and a complete grind, because so much of what we do is because we love the people we live with, and want them to have a nice life as well as it all being clean tidy and orderly. We can't always just dial that down and let things slide because, as others have said, kids miss out, and the less involved partner interprets it as lack of love and care rather than trying to be more practical or a sign of impending burnout.

I know not everyone lurches from one crisis to another, but some of us do / have done for prolonged periods and in those moments the concept of mental load takes on a whole new meaning, yet still there is side eye if plates get dropped.

Sorry for the rant. Did I mention I overthink and have dramatic moments? 😆

I got to p7.
The mental load for me also included thinking about work (music teacher) sending emails to parents, doing timetables, writing reports, sending invoices, exam entries, none of which could be done during the working day.
Add family stuff on to that, plus a musician husband away on tour.
The load is real, even though I probably only reached 70%.

So get on with it then? I was a SP for over 10 years, it never occurred to me to moan about the 'mental load' I just did it 😵‍💫 now my partner is the default parent and I am the main earner I still do some things as I am better suited to then. Not an issue, it's just part of family life.

To me it's mind blowing that women winge so constantly about this.

I think you're right. It's just life shit, most of it, but if you're the only adult having to do all of it for another adult, that must get heavy.

My husband, as an actual adult, is as capable of booking appointments, paying bills, and buying shoes as I am. He does it - he doesn't ask me, he just does it. Sometimes he does it differently to me - he buys new shoes whereas I would have gone on vinted, but he gets shit done, as do I. I refuse to feel grateful for any of that, but when I read about the incompetence some people live with I can see how different loads must feel heavier.

Yeah, it doesn't matter how much I justify it to myself, but will never stop feeling guilty for not doing 'more', whatever more might mean!

Not suggesting you do. However your suggestion is that the mental load is washing, clean clothes, buying presents on amazon meals with takeaway included.and keeping the house 60% clean.

The mental load is a lot more than that.

no worries. I think we are both in similar boats trying to navigate the same stormy seas.

Apologies, yes I did misunderstand and jumped on your post too soon.

Your situation sounds very stressful if you are basically having to parent your OH!

My husband went out with the kids today as I was working. He couldn't remember to shut the front door and lock the side and front doors as they went out the french doors from the lounge. When I got home to a completely insecure house he said ah well no harm done. I think that is maybe the attitude of people who don't get the mental load is holding everything in mind simultaneously and not letting standards slip unless illness/unexpected circumstances crop up etc. Some people just can't or won't "get it". Yes a lot of it is the basics of life. It's not just about having a spare change of clothes for the day, the snacks, the right outer and footwear, it's going online the night before to buy the tickets as they're cheaper and thinking we don't need to spend £3 on animal feed at the farm we still have some last time in the cupboard....The plate spinning inside the mind.

I've always figured that with the mental load it is not necessarily that it is exhausting on it's own. It is just that when one person has to do 100% of the mental load for years, decades. The other partner only does what they are told and it doesn't even occur to them the children might have to go to dentist. They do cook, but have to be told what to cook. Will go to the shop but only if given a list. Will drive kids to football but doesnt occur to them to sign the kid up for it. Basically the other person has a full time job and then has to come home and be a manager to another grown adult.

It all needs to be done. I do it. That’s the issue.
What don’t you get?

oh please do mumsnet yourself off here and stop being such a twat. go and drink another glass of cheap plonk from the corner shop and bore someone else. She does need to do it. how else does her family function? how else do her kids get the safe and organised space they are entitled to live in?

EXACTLY this. Planning, coordination, conception, formulating, etc are 90% of the work and execution is 10%.

so the OP only focused on execution (and not well at all, bedtime routines should NEVER slip) and is wondering why his wife is upset about having to take over the mental load.

I'm sorry but this is totally a "you' problem. You don't need to do this so why do you?

I honestly think a lot of women enjoy it secretly, even if only so they can moan as about it afterwards

what's the problem? people's aspirations are part of the mental load. things each partner would like to achieve one day are important. aspirations the kids might have about studying or learning are important, aspirations of the family are important, a place they'd all like to visit, or a skill they'd all like to learn. For some things its possible to plan and save. In a partnership its respectful to understand your partner's aspirations. In a partnership its respectful to understand you may have an aspiration that's not possible right now (do an ironman), but there's nothing wrong with doing a few things in the short and mid term (a sea swim, a 10K) to one day get there, even if its 20 years away.

That’s a ridiculous response. They are married and live together, so one person’s finances affect the other’s. This also reminds me of the excuses/simplistic thinking I hear from parents when neither of them has remembered to, eg, consent to their child going on a school trip. Some appear to think it reasonable to argue it’s not their problem, because it was the other parent’s turn or responsibility to remember to to do it. They don’t appear to care it’s always their child’s problem and, as people who both have parental responsibility, always their problem to think about. Why is the default always to ape the most selfish attitudes in society? Have we not had enough of emulating men, yet?

Did you half-arse it because in the back of your mind, you knew that her absence was temporary and she would be back to sort things out eventually? The thing about those things that you mention, they can go on for relatively short periods and nobody dies, but try living like that indefinitely. When appointments are continually missed, school stuff forgotten, birthdays overlooked, party invitations missed, kids are grumpy/acting up in school because they are tired due to regularly slipped bedtimes, teased because they are dirty/smelly/in dirty clothes/greasy hair because of missed baths, that's when you truly understand what the mental load adds up to.