Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

That's exactly the problem with women taking on all the mental load. Rather than men doing their fair share of the mental load, women alter their careers and do everything.

That is without counting the social pressure. If the in-laws visit and the man serves a takeaway is well done for coping. If the woman is at home and serves a takeaway she isn't good enough. Same goes for kids being late to school, wearing shabby clothes, house not being spotless. It's hard to not intermalise this pressure. For men it's easy because whatever they do is good enough. They get a Pat on the back. Its not really seen as their job so they can half-arse it and still been seen as being a great husband for supporting his working wife.

I am also certain of that!! I tried to check out of the whole thing a few years ago but my family still bought me things and then I just felt awful that I wasn't reciprocating. Bleugh. Will keep on with the therapy 😂

The things is brains and emotions are complicated beasts. On some levels I find it quite stressful (mainly environmental tbh, it's expected that we give gifts on my side but I don't want them to be on a fast track to landfill so I spend a LOT of time thinking about/sleuthing for things which will actually be appreciated and then trying to shop in the most sustainable/ethical way. That's the bit that weighs heavily), on other levels its wonderful to hear of a gift you've bought being used and appreciated. That part is very enjoyable. I've found a good rhythm with the in laws now, every year they get a photo calendar of all their grandchildren and a big basket of all their fave UK staples that I know they use every single day. Simples! I feel like I'm making a nice gesture, they get things I know they'll use rather than a token thing which will gather dust at the back of the wardobe, it's a good balance.

As I've just said an another thread I'm not a big gift-giver or gift-receiver and honestly reading about the mindset of people for whom gifts = love kind of stresses me out. That kind of pressure is why I'm not a fan of the whole ritual!

Would it help to reframe it as something you want to do out of love rather than obligation? Because there's obviously a point at which it tips from being something you enjoy doing into something that stresses you out. There's a sweet spot in between, I feel. Remember that this is a low-effort family when it comes to gifts so they won't be judging you! I am certain that in the year of the horrendously wrapped shit present, the judgment was all in your head.

For me, two reasons. Both things I am working on 😅

Firstly DH and his brother shop for each other and their parents on the 23rd or 24th December. At some point on the 24th the family all disappear to their various rooms to wrap the presents. They then bring them down and present them to one another for unwrapping (Germany give gifts on Christmas eve). Which seems batshit to me that the gifts are wrapped for less than 10 minutes but I went with it. Till we had kids. Then accommodating DH wanting to shop when everywhere was heaving and disappearing to do wrapping whilst our toddlers were hyped up etc didn't work for us. So I started to insist he shop and wrap earlier, but he doesn't so I do it because I prefer that to him checking out over that period to shop or dragging us with him. But could have better boundaries here.

Secondly, one year we went to his mother's birthday (big birthday) and he'd bought her the shittest gift and also done a frickin horrendous job wrapping it and I felt like everyone looked at me like it was my doing. In my family gifts are reflective of the love you feel for one another, more effort/expense = more love (it's toxic, as I said, am working on it) so at the time this felt frickin mortifying. However my husband has a blooming wonderful relationship with his parents and also they put the same amount of effort into presents 😂 it's just not who they are. So I'm trying to be more chill. However I'm really trained that gifts = love, and I love these people so often I see something I think they'd really appreciate and I can't help myself.

Different strokes for different folks. If she didnt like the way you do things she should have changed her job.

Also buying and sending presents and cards for family birthdays, Christmas.

Can someone please explain why they do this (if it's not your own family you're talking about)

You only think this because YOU were happy with your own lax standards. Running a household/family is about more than that. Your partner wasn't happy. Your children will have had negative outcomes from your lack of routine. Also, society has different expectations of women. Visitors judge them if the house isn't clean and tidy, and they can't provide food, without ordering takeaways. That is a huge additional mental load, that has to be lived, to appreciate it. Long term.

I knew this was written by a man

Sounds like you’re spending an absolute fortune though and putting your wife in a stressful position leaving things till last minute. Then you have the absolute gall to come on here and say she’s exaggerating.

Do you know when the kids last went to the dentist? Are you buying all family birthday presents? Saving for the future? Keeping tabs on their school achievements and mental health? Cutting their nails?

Letting routine slip is not ‘fine’ because it means your wife has to guess whether you’re on it or not.

Absolutely this. And school applications, exam choices, emotional support when things go wrong and so so much more.

it’s not what you think it is Op - your post just confirms your privilege.

Ugh, I've now RTFT.

OP all you've done is a fairly shit job of what every single woman/mother does all the time, with absolutely no recognition or pat on the back. You're congratulating yourself on having picked up for "most" of the time what every mother does all the time.🙄

Some women are regimentedly organised and military. Some muddle through like it sounds you have done. Most people do it like you are describing.

Now your wife is back its automatically drifted back to her.

Women are not saying we can't do these things. We're saying that the gender differential between the expectations on men and women are unfair now we're not all 50s housewives.

I'm not really sure what your point is, other than to imagine that - as a man who has had this incredibly unique experience and insight - you have solved the problem by doing it craply. 🤣🤣🤣 Which many of us women are doing already alongside Executive or demanding jobs.

It cones across as smug and mansplainy. Mansplaining how you survived the mental load. "Here, women, see, I have found the answer, youre all doing it wrong" says man.🙄

He knows this.

Yes Op we do or did these things but- gently- OP's wife isn't there to do them. So take yourself out of the frame for a minute. Would your DP drop the ball on all of these things or would he step up and do them or buy in help to do them. At the moment he doesn't have to because you are doing them.

But in the absence of additional complicating factors, two weeks at a time of solo parenting is not hard. This isn't a huge achievement - it's baseline competence.

Vet visits for pets, vaccinations for kids and pets, worming, flea treatments, head lice.

None of what you've described sounds like you've taken on the "mental load".

It's more about organising everyone's lives including extended family.

Yes it includes shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, direct childcare, but more in a strategic way than direct hands on.

Ensuring you don't run out of looroll, toothpaste, cleaning products, etc.

Also buying and sending presents and cards for family birthdays, Christmas.

Deciding, discussing and arranging family holidays, in conjunction with others if applicable. Arranging diaries and visits for family and friends.

Arranging external childcare, then school places, and looking after their education and wellbeing. Parents evenings, day to day concerns, 20p for MUFTI day etc.

Musical instrument classes, dance classes, sports teams, swimming lessons. Etc.

Plus maintaining social relationships with neighbours, school mums.

Sorting out things like the linen cupboard, children's clothes to buy/edit.

You've said yourself you're classed as a Superdad for doing things to an 'acceptable' (all relative and Im not criticising) standard so I think that indicates that there is societal pressure on women to have higher standards...and maybe women put pressure on themselves too much...it's too early on a Sunday morning for me to really bother thinking this through!

My own situation is that I find the mental load quite easy...I only have one 10 year old and I'm super-hot on the arranging appts, paying for school trips, having club uniforms ready etc bit. I have to be organised at work so its just the same principles. I'm definitely low with my standards on housework though...and it does bother me but I still don't do it! I work though...if I had 6 hours a day free I'm confident my house would be a lot tidier!

First, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. That’s rough, not only on you, but your mum. What you say makes good sense though, and I can see why you wanted not to do things like your mum. And I’m glad you were given a chance to be yourself without expectations. That seems the key.

In contrast, there were a lot of expectations placed on me…had to do super well in school and I was punished if I didn’t, do the housework, cook, toe the line…basically be a grown up at a young age. I didn’t bring friends home or have a lot of friends because my mom was so volatile, so I didn’t have many points of comparison. I learned that love was conditional, only based on what I achieved, and not just because I was me, and that has taken a long, long time to sort out, and I’m still working on it. I also sadly realised others took advantage of me because of that, and getting rid of the resentment caused also took me a long time to release. My brother coped with it by being with his friends all the time, and he has had a more typical path in life, and he looks down on me because I didn’t have a family. I’m learned that constantly being asked what was wrong with me by my family was pretty mean, and that I am fine just as I am.

On the positive side, my father did tell me to get an excellent education and have a high flying career so I could always take care of myself financially though, and that I accomplished. And he was proud of what I achieved, at least I hope he was. And my marriage financially is absolutely 50-50..I always worked outside the home, paid my way, and supported myself without family help. But now I am seeing retirement is a different proposition, and those responsibilities aren’t there as much, and that will take adjustment. I also just need to rest and start to enjoy myself, just because.

So, it seems that if women are generally socialised to do mental load/domestics by parents, they imbibe that. And that being loved by parents for who you are is important.

I think this is very valid.

I've solo parented a lot since day 1. DH works away often and also has aging parents who live abroad. At one point he was away almost 5 weeks in a row leaving me with a 1 and 3 year old and my own job. I was also grieving. It was tough. But everything got done and the house was actually tidier than when he is here. However, work trips happens every year, multiple times a year. Some months he's away more than he's here. The most recent time I was frickin exhausted. So stuff slipped. We had freezer food quite a bit (he's the chef in this house and does everything from scratch which is also a reason why he creates more mess), the general levels of tidiness decreased, I didn't exercise as much as usual. Really can see the difference between the first week he was away back in August and now, I ran out of steam. You can start off full of good intentions and keeping all the plates spinning but now it's the end of the 3rd year I can understand the OP saying 60%!

Can imagine a lot of people who are full time solo rolling their eyes. But I guess it's what you're used to. And how much you commit to based on assumed capacity!

But she was available, just less so. How much did she do when she was back?

Why frazzle yourself to meet other’s standards? If you're OK and the kids are OK, and your load is managable surely that's OK? We're not fake instagram people.

"Two weeks..."

You couldn't maintain better than 60% for two weeks ...?

No.

It is not exaggerated.