Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

I’m triggered.

Well done OP.

🎣🎣🎣

As others have said, the original post doesn’t give enough info! Fine to let the housework go a bit, get a takeaway, live in some mess but we don’t know about ALL the other stuff..birthday gifts for family, friends, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day for fam, car tax, car insurance and home insurance renewal, MOt- booking and getting done, childcare- clubs, holiday care,, inset days school forms, dress up, parents evening, clubs, play dates, dentists, haircuts, clean bedding and towels, cleaning the oven, planning birthday parties for children, checking and buying uniforms, sorting clothes that are too big and small, buying clothes, keeping up with homework and reading etc etc etc the list goes on and on!!

I think you can actually. It’s perfectly logical from where I’m sitting.

If I had actually tried to keep my wife's standards I would have been stressed....in a slightly cleaner house.

If keeping it to your wife’s standards would have required a level of extra effort that stressed you out, it would realistically have had to result in a much cleaner house. You can’t have it both ways.

You are right, it comes from the pressure we put on ourselves whereas you didn’t bother 😂

My observations:

1. On reading the thread title I had a private bet that you were a man.
2. It doesn’t sound like you actually took on the mental load at all but here you are all self congratulatory for fixing this pesky mental load twaddle that women make up

A lot of the tasks you mention are not representative of the mental load – feeding your kids, bathing them and putting them to bed is really the bare minimum required to keep them alive, and it sounds like your standards here are not what your wife expects.

If this is all you can think of, then it suggests to me that your wife is still doing a lot and you haven’t really scratched the surface.

Exactly. A vast amount of the mental load is the social and emotional wellbeing, the long term health and the long term academic outcomes.

Why is the assumption that people who don't do it one way are somehow dirty or lazy? That used to make me angry - other women trying to make those of us, (often with jobs, on our own, caring, single parent or with DH's who worked long hours or away, etc etc), make us feel bad > The premise seems to be that if you are NOT creating a huge mental load and obsessed with routine and tidiness you are somehow not a Proper Woman.

I would say laundry, bed times, takeaways… that’s not really the mental load. I think if you were getting the dentist appointments, orthodontist appointments, doctor appointments, making sure the kids were eating 5 a day, checking reading, thinking about which clubs or sports would suit them, keeping an eye on their weight and fitness, checking their shoes fit, getting hair cuts done, making sure they know how to tie shoe laces, call an ambulance, be a good friend, not get groomed on line or talk to strangers, but also talk to adults politely etc etc, that’s probably more the mental load. If you’re ticking all that off then you’re more in the ball park.
I don’t think a bit of laundry and tidying is it.

No. I do as little cleaning as possible, wash clothes if they're smelly, bedtime's around 10 pm, chips/pizza/takeaway at least once a week, and the mental load is still exhausting because the mental load is about organising, anticipating, preparing ahead e.g. homework, playdates, shopping, medical appointments, birthdays, etc. and when these clash, who needs/wants what, coordinating when to get things done (e.g. I can't get to the shops when there's no one to watch DC, i.e. most of the time).

The things you mention are the simple basics, not the mental load!

My thought was exactly this – I bet the wife is still doing a lot and picking up the slack elsewhere.

For a start, your way of doing things would be unaffordable for me.

I kind of agree that some people underprioritise their own wellbeing in the pursuit of some unobtainable perfection. However, I'm absolutely drowning just keeping my head above the water, and I'm promise I'm closer to going under than I am to perfection!

Were you really doing everything? Or were you on more like a 60:40 split? Like, did you really:

sort all the school dinners, all the school consent forms and payments, charity days/events, trips, parents evenings etc etc?

Did you organise all childcare?

Were you solely responsible for all clean (and fitting!) uniform/shoes/kit?

Were you responsible for planning, buying and cooking all the food?

Did you facilitate all hobbies/activities/play dates?

Did you coordinate all days out and family visits?

Did you take responsibility for your children's academic progress and social and emotional wellbeing (like, lie awake at night wondering what you could do better tomorrow)?

These are the sort of things that add together to overwhelm me.

I agree. I know of a couple of couples (!) who have swapped roles and it’s been fine. Actually it’s been really good for the woman to realise that the man is better at doing it than she is and she can then focus on work.

I would speak to your partner about it. Ultimately I know of several people who moan about ‘he/she doesn’t do this/that/the other THE RIGHT WAY, but actually that means ‘MY WAY’. Yeah. I’m not going to stack the dishwasher/do the washing your way, that’s micromanagement, either it’s ok or it’s not.

This whole pile on seems to not recognise the fact that there’s a hundred threads on here about the fact that man comes home from work and moans that house is not up to ‘his standard’. Then it’s LTB, here it’s that he’s being unreasonable? I don’t think so

I would have had more "mental load" coming home to your way of doing things! Doesn't sound like your wife was that happy if the holiday caused "an almighty row". Instead of asking us to validate your account of things, what matters is how your wife feels and how you two work together.

@whatnow123 make sure you tell your wife what an idiot you think she is for stressing about cleaning. I think that will help her realise what she should be doing.

No no no. Mental load is not bedtime, bathtime and laundry. It's:

Mum and dad's anniversary is next week, must get a card. And stamps. Do we have stamps? I must tidy out that junk drawer or I'd know if we had stamps. Email from school, must fill in form for flu jab. Oh and take in joggers for PE as it's winter half term now. Shorts will be too cold. We need toilet roll. DS's steroid inhaler is running low. I'll order another but when can I collect from the pharmacy? Actually he might need another Ventolin, I'll check the expiry date. Now I think of it the one at school might have expired too, must check. I'll email them now. Oh god, tax return reminder and one for the boiler service. We could do next Saturday for the boiler - hang on, I think DD has a birthday party...

Is there ever a thread about the wife having lower standards? Why do so many men have lower standards? Multiple threads a week from mums on here

Sounds like a shit show. No wonder your wife is pissed.

If the bed and bath and clean clothes were slipping (which are pretty much the most basic of basics); then you probably have absolutely no idea what the other bits are.

I bet your poor wife was constantly having to nag you ‘have you booked this’, gets to the fridge and there’s no milk, tries to put something in the bin - it’s full or even worse been emptied and left with no bag, tries to go upstairs for a bath and there’s no clean towels, no shampoo. Before retreating into a nasty bed that’s not been cleaned in an age surrounded by stinky laundry bags.

Grim

Mental load isn't just the chores and routines.

It's appointments: dentist, docs, haircuts etc - making them and keeping them
It's clubs and learning: swimming, football, paying subs, keeping track of galas tournaments, awards, training, venues
It's birthday, bloody bloody birthdays: where, when, age, prezzie, reply to invite, create invites, arrange, calendar - kids at school, family, cousins, friends, parents (both sets) aunties uncles and on and on and on
and school: SEND appointments, school fair, mufti day, open evening, trips payments, cake sale

Sometimes all these seem to happen in the space of 1 week.

You've done a few months.

Try a few years - it will wear you down eventually.

Do not underestimate the mental load.

Same conversation here. Somehow it's fine and I just need to relax if the clean washing is all in piles everywhere/ bathroom hasn't been cleaned in two weeks/kids are given X for dinner/allowed to do Y/miss their friend's party because "well nobody died". That's the standard my husband is looking for. The thing is he wouldn't think it acceptable if that happened every day, it's just fine on his watch though.

lol

First thought

OF COURSE this is written by a man

I agree OP. I always worked full time, was on my own a lot of the time and we had no "routines" in the way that so many people did. We just "lived" - as best we could. My kids were never late for school or missed the dentist. They didn't eat junk or stay up all night - but there was no mental load in the smug MN way. When I saw how others did it sometimes I was astounded, (sticker charts, timetables, schedules).

My kids were happy and grew up OK.

Yeah, @whatnow123, you've definitely cracked it. Thank goodness you're here to tell the stupid women here just to do the bare minimum and not worry about bedtimes, cooking, tidying, cleaning, cos it's not important for your children to have any of that. Maybe write a book about it, you'll make a killing.