Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

Yep!

If you are getting take out a lot then it's not really providing healthy food for your kids.

My mum used to go away when we were young.

We got McDonald's first day, Chinese the second, pizza the third etc.

Sure my dad made sure we were fed and nobody actually died but it's hardly healthy food.

I’d bet money that his wife feels like she has an extra child with him. 🤣

Sounds like you aren't stressed about the mental load because you take a relaxed approach. Seems like you either don't do everything after all or your wife has a higher standard which you don't meet. I'm all for my partner helping but if it's half arsed, it's very frustrating

It sounds like the OP did the bare minimum rather than trying to do the job of parenting really well. So of course it wasn't as stressful as doing the job well would be.

Here's the thing, if I lived by OH's standards, me and him would be fine. DD would be just about the right side of ok, which is not good enough. He knows that and he is very appreciative and shows it , rather than just being a goady prick .

Agree with the others.. the stuff you mentioned isn't mental load at all. Kids need routine, clean clothes and a proper diet as standard. Your poor wife and kids.

Also kids don't say how much they mind about some things, especially if they think showing those feelings will pretty much be ignored.

My friend was really taken aback when her 10 year old told her one day that he actually hated being late to school. She'd been telling herself for years it really didn't matter but he'd spent years enbarrassed and ashamed at having to walk through the office after the gate shut.

I think 'mental load' tends to be left to the proactive one.

Dh will do what needs doing.... if he is told.
I'm the one doing the forward planning, because if I don't, the kids will suffer. I'm also the one with the better paid/ higher stress job, so it's not like I have more time. I just think about what needs to happen so that the kids don't suffer. But by suffer, I don't mean fed and clothed, I mean:
Correct equipment
Right clothes for an activity
Who's got what activities on
Who needs picking up from whose house
What we need for the weekend
What stuff they currently like for lunches
Who their friends are
Who their friends aren't
Who their teachers are
Whether or not they've changed their clothes/ showered
When the next deposit for school trip is due
What hw they aren't doing

Your mental load is minimal. Bath time, bed time, cooking, laundry and housekeeping is an enormous chunk of the day to day mental load.

What are you actually left with? School drop offs? An after school activity or two?

No wonder you’re finding it easy.

Most people don't notice mental load until they feel overwhelmed. I didn't notice until I was doing the tribunal for my send child, whilst working and looking after him, and then suddenly I felt frazzled remembering to do stuff like checking shoes fitted and cutting fingernails and paying my house insurance bill.

A large number of people do cope by lowering thier standards and find that's OK. but there is a point where it's heading towards chaos or neglect and it's not very nice for the children.

@whatnow123 so when you say “just tidied up at the end of the day”…. Was that when your wife was back from work and helping? Or was she doing bed time while you tidied?

No this is rubbish. What about kids dentist appointments, doctors appointments, packed lunches, planning dinners (that are healthy but also going to be eaten) shopping for said dinners, getting the kids favourite snacks in, homework, keeping up to date with the school events, birthday presents, Christmas presents. The mental load isn’t bed time and a tidy house it is thinking of all the things all the time for all the people. Did you do those things too?

You said it yourself in your first post, you were lax and let most things slip. Your wife doesn’t. She makes sure the house is tidy, kids are fed properly, bedding stripped and changed every week, kids attend all clubs on time, nothing is left until last minute, washing and ironing all done each week, hoovering, dusting, washing the windows, cleaning the bathroom thoroughly every week… I could go on, and on.
You not doing these things doesn’t mean you’ve “cracked the code”. It means you weren’t successful.

Like i get your point op. Ive accepted that my DH might prepare a simpler meal for the DC than me etc and that's ok.

But actually, he understands that lack of organisation in the home tends to mean the children suffer, not him, either through being tired, having poor quality diet etc, and he does give family life the mental attention it needs.

I grew up in a chaotic household. No bedtime, no real routine, no set meal times, fairly often no clean clothes when needed for PE etc, late for school a fair bit, embarrased to have friends over because the house was messy/dirty, not being taken to the hairdresser or dentist etc.

My parent was not particularly stressed about any of this, and I think they think they did quite a good job of raising us as we mostly turned out okay despite the neglect in a lot of areas, but I couldn't live like that now. I think routine and structure are really important for kids. I used to be so jealous of my friends clean, calm houses, with parents who made sure they had tea at around the same time each day and actually went to bed.

I would find it really difficult if my partner had the lazy but superior attitude that you seem to have towards what sounds to be the bare minimum.

Correct, it's expected of her. You've exceeded expectations merely by meeting them.

My (and I do think he is wonderful) DH picks up about half the load in our house -and he gets treated like a fucking hero by people. Most women are picking up most of the load most of the time with no thanks whatsoever .

Yanbu. Your getting a hard time as I assume your a man (correct me if I'm wrong) and this site is full of men haters. You did things different to your wife and that's OK it doesn't mean the way you did things where wrong. I agree most people stress themselves out. It's about personality types some people are stress heads others are laid back. I sound like your wife but I would prefer to be like you.

It's all very well living life in a lackadaisical fashion and just muddling through. Yes, no-one dies. It's fine for an emergency ,when the main carer for the household is ill, or in hospital and you're just trying to survive the day. But it can get unpleasant and stressful if on a regular basis you're in a situation where you're not able to find clean clothes to wear when you're trying to get to work and school on time. When you realise on the way to school that the homework wasn't finished because you decided to prioritise a bath for the kids instead because they haven't had one for a week. Or you forgot that it was own clothes day again.

When all the best holiday accommodation went months ago and you're left with everyone a bit disappointed when you get there to discover something that's not up to the standard you'd usually book. Or if you took a flight where you all had to sit separately. Or you turned up last minute to the gate, hadn't pre-booiked seats so you're all seated separately on the plane.

When the neighbour from a few doors down drops in unexpectedly and asks if they can use your loo because they have had to get an emergency plumber and youre' panicking cos you left the toilet with tiger stripes, and there's pubes all over the floor.

And everything that everyone has said.

The household is happier when things are running smoothly. Muddling through is fine on a needs must temporary basis. But not as a routine thing.

You think it was fine.

She maybe doesn't.

I think what annoys a lot of women is when men are absolutely willing to let standards for their home and family slip to rock bottom, but they won't do that in their job. They'll work late to get that report fine tuned, they won't stay up to sort their DC costume for roman day. They'll be organised to the nth degree planning that conference, but they'll leave the Christmas shopping to the last minute.

It essentially sends a message that the paid employment is taken more seriously than responsibilities at home.

This whole post is code for “I’m a lazy dad but because my standards are low and I work in short-term timelines, the only people who suffer consequences from my laziness are other people.”

There's an element of it which is not allowing yourself to morally judge yourself for getting some things wrong- such as not having beautiful aesthetic decor that you switch up seasonally, for example. Having a house that is beautiful or a posh holiday of the sort you'd imagined isn't that essential, and it's a choice, so I am with you there.

But there are other things that aren't just about arbitrary standards but which are about doing the parenting and adulting job properly.

My experience of some men is that they never quite get to the point of bond with their children where the needs of the children are so intuited and present that you could no more neglect them than you would yourself.

I saw a man with a baby in a sling recently walking along a sunny road. He was shielding his eyes from the sun. I saw a woman following him with a baby in a sling (just that kind of parenty neighbourhood). She was shielding the baby's eyes.

OP if you would make sure you had the following-
regular dentistry
enough water in the day
an ironed shirt if you were going to that kind of job
the right equipment and kit for work
Broadly speaking enough sleep
Shoes that fit
A bag that isn't broken
the wherewithal to meet social obligations- making sure you reply to a friend who texts you, send your mum a birthday card..

You also need to organise your life so you do those things always for your children. That takes mental load.

Going further, children need more of some of that because they are learning how to live. Sure, you might say you don't care about cleaning the bathroom. But you know what clean means and you might look at a towel and think hmm thats been there for ages I will chuck it in the wash. A five year old will just live in the mess as it is presented, and will get even more yucky and unhygienic.

In short my taxonomy would be-

1. Pretty, fancy versions of things aren't essential
2. Health and life admin for all your children, all the time, to a high standard is essential
3. Things being a tiny bit cleaner and more healthy than you'd probably have them just for yourself - that's unfortunately essential too.

Women are not doing all of it because they've been brainwashed. Only point one of my list, and that's the fault of capitalism. Point 2 and 3 are non negotiable because we take seriously the responsibility of giving our children a good start.
Patriarchy means that men are allowed to fail more at 2 and 3 , but that's a privilege you have, not a reason to lecture women and tell them not to do it.

You let basic standards slip well below par for your children’s wellbeing because meeting all of your children’s needs adequately like routine for proper meal times and bed times and bath times makes you stressed. Not living in complete neglect is not a bar to live your life by.