Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

But all that still isn't mental load
They aren't mental tasks

The mental load tasks associated with clubs for example are:

Researching and choosing the right one
Getting on the waiting list
Planning how you will get there
Paying for it
Remembering to sign up for the next term etc
Buying the uniform/equipment
Remembering any special events and changes to schedules
Assessing whether the club is still the right thing for DC
Dealing with friendship issues

I'm not saying you didn't do those things necessarily, but just that you are focusing on the wrong things when you refer to mental load.

I don't think you sound very attractive @whatnow123 I mean if you end up divorced is this how you'll present yourself?

Take away is always an option
House will be lovely to arrive home to slight more than half the time.
I probably won't agree or make an effort even if you say it's important.

Mark this one, Nest of Vipers, he'll be on the market within a couple of years.

My DH once said he couldn't understand why people got so stressed out about holidays.
Because usually he only worries about his phone, wallet and either passport or car keys.
And I sort out literally everything else.
I don't have anything to do with boys trips to go skiing or golf, funnily enough he found sorting it out for one person more stressful

Lol, I just knew as soon as I read the title of this thread that it was started by a man.

I've gotten one page in and can't bear to read any more because the OP replies in exactly the way I knew he would. I find myself feeling the same resentment I feel towards my own DH for his take on (or absolute lack of!) the mental load that is crushing me.

No OP. It's not fucking exaggerated. Try taking it on for decades mate! All while your other half gas lights you and blames your menstrual/pregnancy/menopause hormones.

God almighty

People would be telling her she was fine.

Apparently if the man does the same things he's a shit parent though.

Well she wasn't able to do much due to working overseas for significant periods

When i was travelling for work i still ordered the birthday gift for DS best friend, booked the optician, joined the phonecall with DD cardiologist. I also wrote the Christmas gift list.

The whole point of the mental load is its mental. Keeping in your head the things that need planning, the uniform that needs replacing, the timetabling for how to cover half term, it takes up just that bit of your brainpower that then isn't free for your job or your own personal stuff.

Its about caring as much & more for your children, than you do about yourself.

Exactly this.

I'm reminded of the "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" essay.

OP, you could get a grip and sort yourself out, but I expect you're more likely to do nothing and then be bewildered when you're on the receiving end of divorce papers in 5/10 years.

I don't think clean house, lax bedtimes and takeaways are really mental load?

It's more, childs shoes are getting tight can I wait until payday. Its coming up to half term did I write down play dates and speak to dh about that event the kids want to go to. When did I last check in with my mum. Did I remind dad of that show he wanted to watch. Must get some more calpol. Will it be OK to leave the tap leaking. Must check dds homework. Must speak to ds about that school problem. Have I spent enough time with the children, husband, parents, friends. Is it OK to scroll mumsnet when I should be doing a/b/c. It's nearly Christmas what would fil like, what's that noise, I hope its not the neighbours cat in our garden. When's mils birthday, is it thus month or next.

Its EVERYTHING that would fall apart without someone. All the little things you have to think about that pile up and up and up until you have no space for anything other than stress. A clean, organised house helps in that before the mental load would be 'has dd got pe kit for tomorrow' and now it's 'has dh washed pe kit? Where would he have put it? If I wash it right now will it dry in time? Has it been ironed?'

Everyone has different priorities but I think you are minimising what your wife does and to be honest you're acting really up yourself for doing the very minimum.

Aah, the classic " but nobody died" defence.

The basic daily tasks of running a house could be done satisfactorily by a stranger walking in from an agency with no prior knowledge of the house or family.

But constantly anticipating, researching and filtering relevant info for when vaccinations are due/school shirts that don't aggravate eczema/deadlines for school trips/presents for fussy relatives/having Calpol in before you need it etc needs someone to keep all the balls in the air, all of the time. Knowing and anticipating what keeps the family ticking is mental load.

I wonder which would be the best for the kids? A household with slightly later bath and bed times, acceptably tidy, not completely ordered clothing situation and the odd take away but with settled, relaxed parents, or a spotlessly tidy house run to a strict timetable, clean clothes always available but with parents under a "high mental load"?

Why are there so many threads lately by men inviting us to criticised their wives? It's always been a thing but right now it's a bloody epidemic.

No it’s not exaggerating to say good parenting carries a high mental load, just about getting through parenting of course is easier

Mental load is about more than personal standards, it's about the standards others expect from you. You give a good example of your house not being a pig sty but not up to your wife's standards, however your wife's standards will be driven by other factors, including your expectations. Can you honestly say that if roles were reversed you would be happy coming back to a house with the standards of 'not a pig sty'? Probably not.

Maybe the kids were fine. Maybe your wife wasn’t. Maybe your wife tries to keep you all happy.

Why do I get the feeling, on reading your post, that you were annoyed with your wife for getting that big promotion, so you engaged in weaponised incompetence while telling her that you didn't see what the fuss was about as this domestic malarkey was no big deal?

“All was fine…despite the almighty row it caused” 🤦‍♀️

It sounds like you are simply unconcerned about hygiene, necessary structure which children need for security, and how your wife feels… that you’re happily giving yourself a huge back pat for it.

“Despite the might row it caused”.
Your wife goes over and beyond and still worries it’s not enough. You do the bare minimum and feel like a great dad.

Interestingly if this thread had been written by a woman it would read more like…

”I’m worried that I’m not a very good parent because my wife is so much better at it than me. The house is cleaner, she has a better routine, we eat healthier when she manages the household. We both love cooking but I’m really embarrassed that I serve her family takeout every time they come whereas she does a home made meal from scratch. I just can’t see to get the management aspects right, even with her helping with things like dentist appointments, Xmas presents etc.”

You handled avoiding the mental load by letting everything be a bit shit. Having very low standards is why many women refuse to live with a man again post divorce or why they divorce them in the first place.

Do better.

She holds herself to a higher standard. You're content with being good enough. Perhaps you could help each other to meet in the middle rather than set yourself up in competition.

It’s very difficult to judge when we haven’t seen her version of clean and yours. Many people can’t live in clutter, and need tidiness to reduce stress and time looking for stuff. Not up to her standards is obviously causing more stress then her taking it on herself. She keeps a tight ship, essential with three kids, she goes away and you don’t maintain it, I can see why she’s bothered.

I think a lot of posters here are missing the point that the wife doesn't get to dictate the standards that should be met. Different people will have different standards and there is nothing especially virtuous about obsessing over tiny details.

It is hard to say from the info that we have whether the family were any better or worse off as a result of the difference in approach. If everyone was still happy, healthy and doing well in school etc, it might not be the case that the wife's approach was better. It might just have been a bit different.

I do agree that it's ridiculous to moan about the "mental load" if that involves living up to self imposed standards that nobody else cares about and don't much matter. What we don't know in this scenario is whether that's what we're talking about, or whether the OP's version of managing the household meant everyone living in a pigsty, eating junk and struggling to concentrate in school because they're overtired etc. There is a happy medium to be achieved and it's impossible for strangers on the Internet to know who was closest to that in reality.

I think there is some truth to what you say OP.

Clearly there are millions of people with different households, so millions of circumstances, so it's only possible to make generalizations.

But yes, part of the reason some people feel a lot of pressure around things (mental load) is because they hold themselves to a higher standard than they probably need to.

This of course is subjective - what is the right standard to hold yourself to? But society does try and give us a lot of extra shit that is actually pretty unnecessary.

Some women will argue that women get criticized more for not living up to certain standards so that's where the problem starts. I'm not sure I totally buy that, as a woman who doesn't choose to accept standards society pushes on me in these things. I think women tend to be much more vulnerable to men to perceived standards set by others - it's not that the others are actually more vocally critical in a personal way, not usually, it's that men don't care much what others think about how they run their house.

This is an area where I think women could learn from men. Not to give up standards, but to just ignore and ideally remain oblivious to others who think your standards are inadequate.

That won't fix all mental load issues but it's very low hanging fruit so worth doing.

I used to work away and DP reflects back on that time, like you, what was all the fuss about.

So I did the early years grunt work. DH briefly took over when the kids were 10 &8 and we tried again at 14&16.

I'd get home on a Friday, long drive, to big hugs, then I thought we'd get take out. What do you want, another decision, do you want to organise it, kids are already hungry, fetch takeaway.
Go to put washing in machine, load already in there, smells, it's been sat there going mouldy, so rewash.
I start to clear up kitchen, dishwasher full but not washed, out of tablets.

Finally go to bed, same sheets as last week, bit grim, put full length PJs on, note to sort washing out tomorrow. Do I want sex, no, my head is full of the most efficient way to sort the weekend because I'm back on the road Monday.

DH prides himself on the 'everyone fed, no one dead' days. I absolutely saw him undermining my career, my kids and my mental health so I think you should really reconsider your thinking.
I found myself drawn to the really organised blokes at work but I'd go to sleep dreaming of my little perfect future house with just me.