Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

@Runnerinthenight oh FFS my autocorrect always thinks it knows better than me.... but I do love this song, which expressed my feelings rather well

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DrsSMGhkvTWg&ved=2ahUKEwjvjeesuaqJAxXbU0EAHStCEvcQwqsBegQICxAG&usg=AOvVaw2TrDRUj0M_FUkZKaVp3r0i

OP, you threw money and lower standards at the problems, a luxury most women aren't afforded.

Of course knowing shoe size isn’t stressful on its own. None of the things that make up the mental load are stressful on their own.

A single sock doesn’t feel overwhelming to wash. Twenty thousand socks ina pile that all have to be washed paired and put away within an hour starts to get a teeny bit more stressful (or choose another analogy if it’s stronger - don’t talk to me about socks).

The point I’m making is that the mental load is about carrying alll the small bits together and still not letting a plate drop.

It sounds as of you and your wife have a different standard for running the home, you admit your wife was more like a 90 and you are more like a 60. It sounds as if you actually preferred your slightly more relaxed routine, especially because it allowed takeaways, your wife's routine was possibly a bit strict for you? I think you need to compromise maybe somewhere around the 75 mark if you can. This means you perhaps need to do a bit more and she needs to let things go. Perhaps for jobs like weekly cleaning you could get a cleaner to make it less work on both of you. The key here is communication and compromise. Don't let your wife pick up all the mental load because eventually she'll burn out.

You have to REMEMBER to check. That's the mental load part.

Not the actually doing it.

And if that holiday is in less than 6 months it will need renewing, so there's another job to REMEMBER.

And if it's closer than that it could already be a bigger problem

Totally agree with you. I have friends that claim to be juggling so much that they’re stressed to the eyeballs then volunteer to organise the Christmas Wreath Making society for the village. Some people can’t say no to stuff, some people can’t think oh fuck it the kids can have chicken dippers, and will anyone know if I don’t change the bedsheets for another week. No one will know! Sometimes it’s fine to let things slide to lessen your mental load.

It takes seconds to check that when you book a holiday, which again isn’t hard or something that crops up that much. Just seeing everyone over thinking on here is a prime example of the over management of the ‘mental load’

Of course there’s less of a mental load when you do a shot job 🤷‍♀️ You have lower standards so it doesn’t bother you.

I may be wrong but I 100% get the impression the OP wanted is to agree so he could show this thread to his wife and use it as a stick to beat her with.

We’ve not facilitated that. Hopefully he’ll half ass sorting that out himself too and the poor woman will get off lightly.

Sorry I am over tired but I really can't get past this...

Breaking News: Man discovers it is easier to do a shite job than a proper job

Sounds like you did a shit job and can’t understand why people who don’t do a shit job find it harder?

also the mental load is world book day, dentist appointments, MOT the car, treat for head lice, buy the next size school shoes.

you’re talking about a messy house and not doing a proper bedtime

Op could you tell us what your mental load is at the moment?

Actually, try hitting around 60% of your targets, 60% efficiency etc, at work...

See how long you last there before you're being reviewed and then edged out/sacked for being shit at the job.

Doing a shit job of something IS definitely easier than doing a good job of it. Well done to you claps

@TinyTeachr " I dislike the assumption that it does, it's harmful to women to infanticide men in that way."

I know it's autocorrect but some of the twats should have been drowned at birth lol!

You've slightly misundrstood Mental Load. It's fundamentally a long term thing, so you may still be leaving some of it to your wife. E.g. we're you the one responsible for going through clothes before winter to make sure everyone has uniform that fits and ordering more and labelling it up in a timely fashion? It's about keeping tabs on everything so that nothing gets forvotten/left too late.

I don't like some of the assumptions being made on this thread. I actually think it is rather sexist to assume on the basis of very little knowlege that because OP is a man he is not capable of managing the household. That attitude reinforces women feeling that have to do it all!!!

It is entirely possible that OP:
A) coped just fine. Having a penis doesn't necessarily mean being unable to look after a family. I dislike the assumption that it does, it's harmful to women to infanticide men in that way.
B) coped just fine, but only because his wife did a lot of prep work before going abroad, and/or kept tabs on things while away.
C) wasn't really on top of things, but the timescale was such that he "got away" with it - kids could have been scruffy and missing deadlines but school didn't flag it up, unhealthy diet hasn't mattered as years of healthy eating have formed good tolerance for variety of foods etc
D) things slid and it didn't matter at all because actually OP has an acceptable dtandardcand OPs wife puts herself under unreasonable pressure to maintain outward appearance of perfection.

We simply don't know which scenario is the closest fit.

OP, i carry the mental load in our family. It is difficult, but not harder than many other things I've done in life. What I find unpleasant about it is that it is invisible effort so you don't get a thank you as everything seems to just magically run smoothly. Except that it is hard graft, not magic. I would like DH to recognise this more.

So, when you were responsible for it, you spent more money on take aways, disappointed folk by not getting on the holiday they originally wanted (doesn't matter that the holiday you had was ok, not the point), the house isn't tidy, kids bedtimes slip everyones knackered...

But basically despite a mucky house and poor holiday and more spending, no one DIED so anyone moaning about the 'mental load' is just a whinger standing on no legs right?

No mate. Not at all.

Woah! You are very confident in your incorrect assumptions!

Surely the whole point of the thread is that the OP would be fine with his wife doing stuff to his standards?

I do think you are talking about housework more than mental load. And your housework standard seems similar to mine.

(But sometimes that's the nature of a forum like this. You try to give an example and it ends up focused on a specific issue)

mental load is about anticipating, identifying, deciding and monitoring more that doing things. None of which is hard, until it is. Often cos you have lots of other things going on.

Have you never had that feeling where you'd just like someone else to decide whether that sprain is worthy of a trip to A&E, or someone else to remember its bin day, or someone else to be looking at the washer fluid regularly so you dont end up on a motorway with no washer fluid.

This. I'm actually quite relaxed about the stuff you're talking about OP, I also don't stick to a strict schedule, the place is often a mess, my priority is clean kids, clean clothes, diet balanced most of the time, and clean kitchen/bathroom surfaces. But the mental load is dealing with the relentless life admin of everyone in the family.

My dh is much tidier than me, too, and he cleans more. Not sure that my standards are lower with regard to cleanliness, I'm just less good at achieving them than he is, but as far as tidiness is concerned, I just don't care as much. He's very fussy about hanging clothes out to dry in a particular way as well, whereas I don't really care about that kind of stuff.

The question is - was she having to remind you to book dentists, buy gifts, put school dates in the calendar etc? Because it certainly sounds like she had to nag you to sort out the holiday if it “caused an almighty row”. If you’re not realizing yourself about all these things that need to be done - and then doing them - you’re not carrying the mental load, someone else is.

Because she is a 10/10 parent. How would you feel if she did things like you did?

Well good for you, but you are hardly parent of the year if that's what you think!!

You have working hours and of course you're expected to deal with "100x more than school". Don't you find it a challenge to be a full-time parent on top of a full-time job? I did, still do, and mine are adults.

And your school never made any last-minute demands involving something you didn't have in the house already and they needed it tomorrow - and you didn't find out until after 6pm? Used to drive me cuckoo! But who fecking sorted it, me of course, never dH!