Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

Did you ACTIALLY take on any of the MENTAL load though? Or was it still her? Do you even know what that means?
Kids appointments (hair, dentist, doctors), buying kids uniforms ans school materials, tracking school dates/info (projects, homework, trips, emails from school for any changes/special days and requests, "dress-down" days for this or that charity, school fairs, paying and booking for such, booking school clubs), friends managing (bday parties, knowing the dates, buying gifts, organizing your kids' ones, booking a place or buying decorations/party bags/food), house admin (insurances renewals - all the types-, utilities, car MOT, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoes shopping - the last 2 being constant when kids are small..). Or do I guess it right that you did the bare minimum ti keep the house running on a daily basis but was not involved in most of the above?

Example?
Most women who work complain that they're drowning in it. How are they in a position to judge?
Of course you get extreme people (like the ones who wash towels every week or won't open the door to anybody) but growing up with a working mum, and my years of work/mixing with the same... Nobody cares.

Of course if your area is full of stepford wives/PT/SAHM/rich people with domestic staff you might struggle.

But everyone thinks everyone else is judging. They really aren't.

Also a load of people here listing all these things
. Hrm... Would the answers be the same if OP was a man?

Or perhaps he did a 'good enough' job. This thread is pretty condemnatory.

I don't get why you're getting such a hard time. Part of it might because you are a man.

As a mum with ADHD this thread is a little upsetting to read. I wish I could have your attitude to not caring - at least me and the kids would be happier instead of me being stressed about everything I'm not doing despite my best efforts to balance it all.

To read this thread and see all the posters telling you what a shit job you're doing despite you keeping your kids fed, clean, taking them on child centric holidays and ensuring homework done for the most part makes me feel worse given you sound pretty organised to me! Unfortunately in this culture the expectation put on women and judgment we face about managing home and family life is severe - and we are our own worst critics sometimes. I grew up in family where our home was an open door to all friends, neighbours and family regardless of the messiness and chaos inside. I wanted the same for my children but haven't arranged a playdate in over a year because I got weary of the judgmental looks and snide comments by some school mums (and my MIL) about our house. Sadly I often overhear my children's friends asking them if our house is tidy yet so they can come round for a playdate (as my kids know they can't have a playdate until the house is spotless and must tell their friends this). I'm constantly striving and failing to get it spotless while keeping them alive and maintaining a full time job!

Sorry that you are getting so much abuse on here but in real life I imagine you get praised for what a woman would get judged for. For what it's worth it sounds like you are doing a perfectly adequate job and the children are safe and happy. Surely that's what matters!

Man who stressed out entire family by refusing to carry mental load and repeatedly dropping the ball asks if mental load is a myth. You couldn't make it up.

Of course but maybe not on a rigid schedule. Go to the park or dust? All I'm saying is that I think some people do set themselves extremely high standards that are really hard work to maintain.

I remember a thread where the OP’s DH wanted to go camping. I can’t recall what the conflict was, but the OP (not unreasonably) did a “mums on strike”.

The camping happened, everyone was fed and nobody died.

The thing I really took away from the thread was the OP being surprised (pleasantly) that instead of having everything done for them, her DH had the DCs involved and working. And the DCs did it. And it was fine.

You weren't stressed because you did a shoddy job.

This exactly

Remember that houses should be a little bit dirty and untidy for a few reasons: It exposes the immune system to germs and stops it being weakened, reduces the susceptibility to allergies asthma (don't allow mould to develop though), prevents the house becoming too sterile for comfort - trying to keep it perfect can be exhausting physically and mentally, and that time could be spent playing with the kids etc, also prevents the belief that any mess is unacceptable - could lead to OCD issues, it can reduce comfort for your children and yourselves (space that feels too sterile or immaculate can be uninviting. It might lack the warmth and comfort you'd expect in a lived-in home), a very clean environment might discourage spontaneous activities, play, or creativity, especially for children, who naturally create messes as part of exploration and play. I think a lot of people want to live in a show-home that they see in Hello magazine or Instagram. I say everything in moderation. An acceptably tidy and clean house which remains welcoming, relaxing and liveable, and which doesn't detract from hobbies, relationships and other fulfilling activities (a balanced life).

In our household we are pretty relaxed about tidiness, home cooked meals, consistent bath times and bedtimes etc. We do consciously prioritise keeping everyone’s stress levels as low as possible.

And there is still a ton of mental load - booking dentists, doctors, OT & physio appointments, eye tests, vaccinations & boosters, haircuts, chasing repeat prescriptions, MOT and general maintenance for 2 cars, weekly online shopping for elderly parents, annual jabs for pets, 3-monthly flea treatments, cards & presents for family, organising play dates, planning birthday parties, scheduling parent teacher conferences, researching and booking holiday clubs and wrap around care, replacing clothes & shoes when they’re outgrown, donating all the outgrown toys & clothes so there’s room for the new stuff, renewing passports, researching & choosing car seats & baby gear (buggies, pushchairs, cots etc), keeping on top of parental controls on devices, doing daily reading / homework, household budgeting, costumes for Halloween / world fucking book day, buying presents and cards for endless kids’ birthday parties, keeping on top of all the messages and notifications in different school apps and the class WhatsApp, etc etc

The fact that OP thinks ‘mental load’ = cleaning and laundry and dinner / bath / bed + booking the odd holiday says a lot.

Exactly.
I mean, of course there's a limit. Mess and dirt everywhere, children in dirty clothes, constantly forgetting things needed for school are unacceptable.

But things like a 'tidy house' for example.
My version of untidy is piles of things everywhere and can't find anything.
A lot of other womens' version is 'not looking like a show home/things out of place/what will other people say'.

Not the same.

But eventually someone has to think to dust the mantlepiece surely?! It can't all slide forever.

When do the children break up from school? When do they go back?
Does uniform and shoes fit?
Do they need new pants or socks?
What homework needs doing?
Do coats fit?
Does bag/coat/uniform need washing?
Does any of it need mending?
Are there any school notices?

What's the plans for half term?
Are they in clubs?
Do they have the clothes they need for clubs?
Do you have the money set aside?
Is there any play dates?
They might like swimming?
Do they swim stuff?
Goggles?
How much does it cost?
When arebthe family sessions?
Park would be good, what's the weather?
If its wet they'll need wellies.
Have they had baths?
Brushed teeth?
Actually properly?
Is bedding clean?
Are pj's clean?
What jobs need doing?
Housework?
Grocery shop?
Laundry?
When's your mum, dad's, mils, pils, wife's and kids birthdays?
Are there any birthdays coming up like the kids friends?
Are you decorating for Halloween?
Have you got carving stuff?
How many sweets will you need?
Are the kids costumes ready or do you need to buy them?
How much are pumpkins?
Do you need anything special for Halloween dinner?

That is literally 1% of the mental load for most mums at the moment

Op I doubt you even know what you don't know.
Mental load isn't just physical work and half arsed day to day surviving.

You think because your wife was working oversees that's proof you must have done it all, says everything about what you know!

You’re on Mumsnet and you’re asking who is doing the judging??

You really don’t need to travel far to find the answer.

Mental load for me isn’t bills. They’re all on direct debit, but a pain if we need to investigate the best rate and switch etc.

It’s what do they need for school tmrw, arranging play dates and multiple emails from schools / parents.

It’s noticing DIY jobs in the house. Researching, investigating and arranging trades people - major time thief.

It’s remembering extended family birthdays and the comms that goes with it.

On and on etc. Anyone who has genuinely done all this whilst working FT wouldn’t say it’s nothing.

“Their house was a bit messy, but he’s doing it alone while his wife is away. What a great husband.”

”her house is always a bit dirty. I guess she’s just a bit lazy/doesn’t care/has low standards.”

it’s a lot easier to put down the mental load when, if you do, you are less lightly to be judged.

Agree with you to an extent! When my partner works away I drop my standards and it’s all fine in the end.

Buuuut I dislike being disorganised and that’s possibly because I feel like women get judged more eg for a lost school reading log or forgetting a birthday present for your kid’s friend. Men are more likely to get a pass because of sexism

But you've already said you'll just buy whatever they want for amazon. You cook for yourself and the kids happen to be there. Can you really not comprehend thinking about what your kids enjoy and what they might want for Christmas and seeing that it's £50 on amazon but argos has £10 off and whilst you're there what does mum in law like. Does dh still like that show or would he want aftershave. What about oh what's for dinner, kids love sausages, I best pick some up.

You don't understand the mental load because you literally just don't care enough.

I think the message is 'does most of this actually matter' and the answer is of course, no. A few takeaway meals, if affordable, will hurt no-one and kids might like their favourite clothes but no one will die if they're still in the wash.
Surely the important things are the time spent with children and their welfare, not whether you've dusted the mantelpiece,

YANBU OP!
Also all this twaddle about women being 'judged'... Who exactly is judging and why do you give a fig?
My motto is always if they're not paying you a salary or making your life easier, their opinions don't matter.

I had 2 FT working parents growing up and my mother told me...you can either clean or cook to a high standard. Not do both. She chose the latter so our house was always a bit untidy.

But we also didn't have a load of unnecessary crap collecting dirt. It was a small house so everything was in a few places. Anything running out like toilet paper etc got written down. There were systems in place as a child I was taught to put things in the family calendar and pin letters etc to the fridge.

While a lot of men are useless, a lot of women sorry to say are also incredibly uptight. Oh and children are also mollycoddled.

I find men generally
like you OP. They do things generally in a more relaxed and last minute manner. It has it benefits sure. But the problem is I find a lot of it ends up as ‘making do’. For example, substandard value for money on holidays or days out because it was done last minute and now all the good holidays are gone and everything booked up. So you end up paying loads more for something crap. Or you haven’t thought about or booked a day out so it ends up gettting shelved and the kids end up squabbling in the living room or are stuck to screens and then get a McDonald’s for lunch rather than the interesting show or museum or new park with fab play area that I would have booked.
Or dinner isn’t thought about - it’s last minute and there is noting healthy in so it ends up being a pot noodle or pizza again for the 10th time in a row.
Or no present has been bought for a party at the weekend so DC takes some crappy thing that looks vaguely new from the unwanted pile or a £10 note is stuffed in a card. Just looks crap when the child who’s party it is parents gave your child a really thoughtful gift last month.
There are just 100 examples if I think about it. It’s just a make do parenting or a less effort parenting. Whilst it’s fine it’s just that. Fine. Average. Make do. Personally I don’t want my kids to have average and make do. I want them to have what they need when they need it. I want to make the most of the money we have to give them as many wonderful experiences as I can. I want to build a network of other mild / dads to help when needed and also to help my child be social. I want them to eat good food most of the time and that takes organisation and planning. I want them to have clothes that fit, hair that’s cut, teeth annd eyes that are checked. It all takes planning and organisation. Last minute and no organisation just doesn’t give you that.