Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

🏅 here you go op. you can stop now

Is it not part of your wife’s mental load now that she has had to adjust her mindset to things not being as nice as she’d like? I’m really not sure how she is getting a good deal here.

Also, sounds like she had years of carrying this during the hardest years when the children were small. I hope you helped at night with the twins.

How do you plan in advance for illness needing a doctor’s appointment? You were lucky you could condense your hours I suppose, with an understanding employer.

Honestly, what are you trying to achieve here? Well done, you parented. I’m delighted you didn’t feel the mental load that some people have. Doesn’t mean that they don’t feel it. There's all sorts of contributing factors to the mental load - money worries, children with extra needs, caring for older relatives, a demanding job. Even if someone doesn’t have the above, this sort of ‘what are you worrying about’ thread doesn’t help as much as you think it does.

Apart from the thing about different standards, I think some people probably just find it much harder to juggle stuff than others, so what feels like an onerous burden to one person can seem like a complete fuss about nothing to others. I think that's why some people go on about the mental load as if it's a big thing and others think it's trumped up nonsense.

I can kind of see it from both perspectives because, as someone that has adhd, I'm usually turbo-charged to the extent that other people seem to feel exhausted even at the thought of how much I manage to pack into an ordinary day while I think nothing of it, but then there are times when I struggle with such hideous task paralysis that I can't even manage the most basic things on my to-do list. I imagine that most people probably live in the middle of my two extremes but some will be nearer to one end of the continuum than the other.

For me personally, the term "mental load" doesn't actually mean anything much at all. On a good day, I just have a load of stuff that needs doing and I get on with it without overthinking it. On a bad day, just having to get up and clean my teeth or send a simple one-line text can feel like a massive mental burden. So I do understand how easy it is for people to get overwhelmed by really quite small things. I suspect a lot of it is just about perception and how we describe it to ourselves.

Hello. I’m glad that you found things ok while your wife was away but I don’t know why that fact leads to the sweeping generalisation that maybe the whole mental load thing is something women self create and it’s just a question about mindset. You understand that others might not experience things the same as you, right? You did what you did against a societal reaction of wow what a hero dad doing all this stuff which is just not how women are judged. What did you do before your wife went away? And presumably you are keeping this all up now your wife has returned? Or does it all get handed back to her after this successful stint, together with helpful comments that she just needs to adjust her mindset….You have clearly found the key to everything. Women just need to calm down and relax. Please go forth and let the world know that you have solved the issue of mental load. Well done.

Op, I like your approach more than some of the previous posters, who drives themselves crazy with FOMO and anxiety. Who cares if you spend 3 pounds more on Amazon instead of "doing research" and getting the best deal on Christmas present. Chances are it will end up in the landfill in 3 months anyways. Pareto rule says 20 % of the effort gives 80% of result, and it seems you are on top of the important things.

Oh for the confidence of a mediocre man

Ok we need your wife on here for her side of the story!

If your wife likes things at a certain standard OP and you are better at carrying the mental load - why don't you do things to that same standard?
It's not the mental load that you're objecting to, it's your wife's standards.
You've somehow managed to blame her for being stressed about trying to maintain her standards, which you don't respect and try and keep to, even though it's 'easy' for you?
Also a few things - has it defaulted back to her now she's not away so much?
Don't you think other people's judgement is harsher on her than the man 'coping so well' while his wife is away?
Also children's age is a big factor was your wife carrying the mental load when the children were much younger?

Sure, but it applies to many of the rest of us whose problem is not that we’re uptight perfectionists making ourselves and our families pointlessly miserable and squeezing all the joy and spontaneity out of life with our unattainable Instagram aesthetic and masochistic high standards - but that someone else is using all the get out of jail free cards and if some of the important stuff is going to get done it always falls to us, and we end up being ‘bad cop’ while the other parent gets to enjoy being laid back chippy dinner stay up late fun dad.

My husband is like you OP - he does the majority of housework and "mental load" I'd say because I'm lazy at home. He also loves to cook and cooks me and DC meals and genuinely loves it. But he's never stressed out - and we both work full time too.

I grew up with a mum who was constantly worried about the home being perfect and a dad who did nothing at home. My mum was very stressed out and a perfectionist in all areas of life.

I think the reality is some people are calmer and just get on with housework things/let things slide more. My DH is like that but I also know women like that.

I will say though that my relationship is very unusual - for all of my female friends they do way more at home than their partners. So there does seem to be a very unfair "mental load split" generally for women.

Personally I don't find it stressful though because I don't take it on

This would be like me and DH , he pays bills by direct debit eg the money passively comes put of his bank account.
I do just about all the mental load, I don't think he understands what it is. Once DS sports team was looking for someone to run the team for that age group. I didn't want to do it as I'd done it before. DH persuaded me we'd do it together.
Basically I created a WhatsApp group and messaged everyone the fixture dates asking who was available. Then emailed other clubs to liase on times/availability etc. Put together a team, arranged lift shares and DH drove DS and possibly some team mates to the matches after I'd told him what time and where it was. Then I had to go on the (stupidly user-unfriendly) league website to enter results. Repeat a few times a month.

I've always thought the mental load thing is more to do with inequality. Single parents have roughly the same mental load, but tend to be less ground down by it.

When you have the mental load plus a few extra items for your partner (or a lot of extra, if he's a real prat), yet are supposed to be in a partnership, it really gets on your tits that you're doing all this unseen, unacknowledged work while said partner floats on the cushion of support you provide.

A friend of mine, after yeeeearrs of trying to explain and re-establish equality, asked her husband for a divorce. It was the only thing that was wrong with their marriage, but the cumulative effect was that they seemed to be living different lives (and his was much pleasanter). That finally galvanised him to bloody use the planner on the wall, the family Outlook, and to take part in his children's lives instead of just showing up for parts of them. Lat time I saw him, he was ironing the kids' uniforms 👍🏻

He hasn't backpedalled - he's clarified a lot of the assumptions made by posters on here wanting him to self flagellate while repeating "shame" at himself for his relaxed approach and less than perfect standards..

Many women struggle with the mental load because their partners don't carry any of it. OP seems to manage just fine, presumably because his wife still carries some of the mental load even while she's away/ abroad and pulls her weight when she's home.

He's allowed to not find it hard. He would do well, however, to acknowledge that his wife is held to a much higher standard in this regards than he is (doesn't make the standard right or necessary), and so her concerns and frustration are partially borne out of the sexism she faces. I think OP and his wife would benefit from couples therapy to deal with this issue as neither of them is necessarily wrong- they just appear to have different standards and expectations for their shared home and family life, and need to come to mutual agreement and compromise.

One thing - it sounds as though the things you were doing were done almost dispassionately - they needed to be done and were achieved to an acceptable level. How much emotional investment was involved? Did you strategise to avoid conflicts for example? Was your approach basically utilitarian or did it include taking into account thoughts, feelings and nuance of other family members.

Personally, a large amount of the mental load includes what some might consider "over-thinking" ie. consideration of how things might be achieved without tantrums or resentment etc. Anticipation of possible outcomes and having back up strategies when things go tits up. Not just planning for a moment, but forward planning too. Because from experience if something goes wrong for any reason, some bright spark will always ask why you're not psychic and didn't plan for the completely unpredictable.....

The only thing I would mention is that I do a lot of tidying up after my dh that he doesn’t even notice, because I find his standards unacceptably low, but recognise that he would be happy to live like that - eg if he washes up, he doesn’t clean the sink once the washing up water has drained away, so the next morning, you come downstairs to tide marks. Or he will hoover but not dust anything. His father lived in a filthy, dusty mess with mould growing on things when he no longer had a dw living with him. So, to an extent I agree that much of the stress comes from pressure people put on themselves, but some of the stress also comes from others being willing to live in the sort of mess that anyone living with them actually finds somewhat unpleasant and stressful, but they don’t notice…

I think these tasks take on the annoying names when you have to talk about them to the person who’s not doing any of it, and doesn’t see that any of it needs doing, and has literally zero concept that there are any other categories of human activity apart from paid work and leisure.

It doesn't take a mental load to wash and feed children at appropriate times, even with two full time workers in the house

This "Mental Load" is one of the most annoying phrases used on here. The same as " Life Admin"

I've never heard these terms used outside Mumsnet, I just get on and do things without giving them extremely annoying names.

I agree. People put a lot of pressure on them for everything to be perfect and orderly and it's that internal pressure that makes things so heavy.

Nice backpedal there OP 😂

All essential tasks—doctor, dentist, and other appointments—were handled as planned and booked well in advance. The kids ate well, with a mix of home-cooked meals and the occasional takeaway.

What do you man handled as planned? Did you plan/book/take the kids to these appointments? How did you know to book these?
Or were these pre booked by your wife?

I agree, I like this description but given that OP's wife worked abroad for long periods of time, it doesn't sound like this applies here as she wasn't there day-to-day to pick up the slack/make up for the over use of the get out of jail cards.