Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

It seems to me it isn't the mental load itself that pisses people off, it's the fact that it isn't shared fairly, and so it breeds resentment.

I found that the mental load became a non-issue once I was divorced. Maybe your wife will feel the same, OP?

I think you've named a lot of household jobs, but not 'mental load'. DH does more household jobs than me too (he works less) but does almost no mental load. And I am not a very routineised person who stresses if the sheets aren't changed or we have random dinners. And I refuse to do wifework like remembering his family's birthdays. I don't have 'standards' really.

It's a lot - we have one kid with SN and absolutely loads of appointments and paperwork (SEN is a feminist issue); two different primary schools. E.g. as an example one child has to go to school in full victorian dress in a couple of weeks. Someone has to remember that, organise the costume, pay the money to school for the day. None of those things are huge on their own but it lives in my head, not his, along with loads of tiny things. He's never organised a holiday club (had to remind him this week he'd need to arrange his work schedule around drop off and pick up for holiday club) etc etc. That's mental load- the advance planning. Not sticking a wash on.

I actually agree with you OP. Last year I went to a full time after (I now realise ) bliss of part time. My standards have lowered, I make decisions more quickly and things can be a little last minute. It was definitely better the previous way but I've also learnt to be more efficient.

I'd be interested to know what your wife's actual complaints are

I found the mental load ok until my kids went to school, then it seemed to suddenly get a lot more to keep on top of. Homework, uniform, sorting out before and after school club and holiday club, booking lunches or making lunches, trips, non uniform days. The list goes on! I think it pushed me over from tolerable to hard !

It’s like ‘life admin’ - when posters make a big deal about that on MN. I’m always like - what IS that? Is it just like, pay a bill, arrange an appointment, get a new visa or passport or whatever? Of course sometimes stuff comes up, and it can be vaguely irritating to sort it. But MN posters make out like it’s relentless and constant and they’re so exhausted by it. I don’t get it.

I don’t always order takeaways, but just have a nice Sunday afternoon batch cooking because I enjoy it! Get kids set up with an activity and get on with it with a podcast on. It’s very relaxing and makes the whole week easier.

Surely children, by the age they’re sweating and starting to smell, can have a shower without parent help?

The working culture is actually a lot more intense here (than if I were doing the same job in the UK). I do 9 hours a day work, not including studying for professional development course! So it’s not just that everyone has less responsibilities. They just don’t stress about the small stuff. Like a kid breaking their routine - the obsessive routines are, I think, the cause of most British people finding the child years challenging.

How's the working culture there? Because I need to fit in 50-80 hours a week around the dc's schedule. I NEED the DC in bed or at least quiet in bedrooms by 7:30/8 so I can work for a few hours.

Takeaways aren't healthy or affordable here so they shouldn't be considered a viable regular alternative to home cooked meals.

My 10yo stinks if theyre not showered at least every other day and I don't think it's fair to let them smell.

It's a different cultural set up in the UK for sure but that doesn't make it less valid.

The OP has had a hard time as actually if you read the posts, he’s been doing the important stuff without making a fuss.

I think some people do over egg the mental load a bit but I think often it’s the last straw when something isn’t working in a family set-up. We both had stressful jobs last year and the mental load stuff felt real- since I’ve changed jobs to relieve a bit of pressure it isn’t really a problem- some of it just is about being organised and some is chilling a bit about the small stuff.

And of course I’m not saying that things don’t come up which are stressful. Appointments, exams, things to remember, etc. it’s just that it’s much easier to manage when you’re not massively stressing about the small stuff.

Do you love and respect your wife? If so, stop looking for things to gripe about. This doesn't make a happy marriage.

Dh is better than me at some things, worse at others but we both value each other's contributions. We thank each other. You seem to have got into a negative spiral about who does what and how.

The only person you can change is yourself so stop with the competitive bullshit and start appreciating what your wife does. How you're both currently behaving, arguing about whose standards 'win' is a miserable way to live. It'll make you bitter. Approach things with love and grace and your marriage will be better for it. Alternatively build your fortress to snipe from and be unhappy in your marriage or get divorced. What's better for you and your kids?

100% agree!

I live abroad and people are very relaxed here re kids. The strict British “routine” that must be enforced at the expense of everything else just isn’t a thing here. People are much more chilled about their kids and as a result, much happier. For example, kids of any age go to bed at about 9 (at the earliest) and at weekends or holidays they go to bed whenever - often taken out to family events, dinners, parties, and so on. No thought to the “routine” being messed up. So both parents and children have a much better and social lifestyle and children are very much involved in everything and very happy as a result!

My UK friends race home trying to cook dinner absurdly early - around 5, to feed the kids half an hour later and then struggle to get them to sleep when it’s still super early and often broad daylight outside in summer! Then stress all evening as the kids won’t sleep. They then get woken up crazy early in the morning and that makes them stressed too. Just not a thing I’ve heard of here, but seems to be a huge issue for my British friends.

Takeout is a very affordable and acceptable thing here. Often costs the same or less to order than to buy cooking ingredients! So no shame about ordering takeout and the takeout meals will be the same sort of thing you’d cook at home anyway (local food), so just as healthy as cooking. Takes off another stress.

People also don’t bathe their kids every day as the National health recommendations here are that it’s terrible for a child’s skin (which I agree with), so maybe a bath twice/three times a week unless kids are visibly dirty. Whereas my British friends will bathe their kids literally every single night. It’s just such a rush and stress for them, but I think all of it is totally unnecessary!

I mean, if you’ve got 5 dual citizens in the house, with 10 different passport expiry dates between them, and you need to take each kid to the Embassy in person during office hours and fill in a bunch of forms and bring several documents and officially notarised statements to get the passport renewed, and you’re trying to visit family in both countries of origin on a regular basis which requires everyone travelling on both passports that are not too close to expiry, it does become a total ball ache. It’s not just a trip to Snappy Snaps every 5 years.

Some people’s lives are more complex than others, with more intrinsic red tape. It doesn’t mean they’re all just shitter at life, or making a meal of it. The stuff they need to do is actually different from the stuff you need to do.

Totally agree re: cleaning sinks though.

Well, OP, the women on here have given dozens and dozens of examples of ALL the work that goes into running a home and raising children well, and you don't seem to have taken any of it onboard. (I'm feeling triggered, remembering my own experiences of living with my undomesticated ex-H, who had to ask me where the towels were kept, because he didn't know, even though we had a small 2-bed house.)

Anyway, you're not receptive to the idea that your wife might be right to do more than your 60% and that therefore she has a greater mental load than you, no matter how many examples you're given, so I guess you and your wife will just have to go on being at odds over this stuff.

You say that birthday presents takes 5 mins if you know what they want. But we're also talking about everyone else's Xmas and birthday presents. There's the extended family and little birthday presents for their little friends when they're invited to parties, and knowing when those parties are and taking your kid - and replying to birthday party invitations in the first place. And then there's making sure that your kid writes thank-you notes for their gifts. (Not the small ones from their little schoolfriends, but to the family and any family friends who sent birthday and Christmas gifts.)

These are all the things we think of because guys don't!

Christ and I'm not even a mum. 😂

ETA: I forgot about the birthday cards! Lord, the cards. So many cards.

FWIW, I'm divorced with no kids, and I feel I have a large mental load. I've just finished a dozen years caring for my parents, so maybe it will feel different down the road, but I feel I've always had a large mental load. Perhaps it's because I've always had demanding jobs, and there is always just SO much other stuff to do.

Everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, remembering the significant things going on in the lives of people I care about and asking them about it, endless bills to pay, so many preventative tests and scans to schedule (smears, mammograms, MRIs - it's complicated), regular medications to fill, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, fix broken lamp, fix the blind that fell down, gift for the ward that cared for my mum, start complaint with hospital about some of her care, call Amazon over a 120-pound gift card that disappeared from my account, fix Netflix, call Apple because they've locked my password, same with a Samsung electronic I own, arrange some returns and take them to the post office.

And that's just me, folks!!!!

My ex-H has never suffered from mental load in his life.

Maybe us women are just generally more detailed.

My DH has no mental load, just like you. Because oh, everythings "fine." It's a broad category fine, essentially fine means you can see the floor, the fridge is full of wine and pot noodles cost £1 at the co-op. It's nothing more than complete laziness. Earlier this week DH got up early and then came back to bed. I asked him why, oh he said there's nothing for me to do. I immediately thought, put away last night's washing up, take clothes out if the dryer, put washing in, take chilli out if the freezer because I'm going to be late home, ask mum what she wants for Christmas, remember to fill up car with petrol. That's mental load.
OP why don't you, instead of expecting your wife to be happy with your shit standards, try to meet hers. Don't be pot noodle man.

Sorry to have to say this, but he sounds like a selfish asshole. Your life is going to be miserable if you stay with him. You deserve better.

Perhaps you would care to be a bit more specific about your wife’s concerns op?

Because if you are that great, this thread wouldn’t exist would it? 😀

Your op said; “She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things,”

The mental load imho is not about the pressures we put on ourselves; it’s about anticipating, being pro-active and taking the initiative, not just reacting to events. So stress does not arise in the first place!

Anyway; if your wife is saying that the mental load is bringing her mood down; surely your focus should be on that, and not trying to prove that her feelings aren’t valid?

The concept of 'mental load' is a bit ridiculous, imo. It's just the relentlessness of life - you just need to get on with it.

I agree with the PP who said feeling the burden of the mental load is actually about resentment and inequality, and the ‘managing’ aspect others have talked about. But some of it does seem to be just noise I have to say. Eg MN collectively seems to spend a lot of time ‘organising birthday cards for extended family’, cleaning sinks, de-fleaing cats and renewing passports. It says a lot about the pressure mothers are under to be ON TOP of everything all the time. This thread seems wild to me but it’s all obviously real and pressing when you’re in it.

Well... there is definitely less for you to do when you don't bother doing things.

Takeaways when family visit etc yeah agree. But for me the mental load is actually the needing to be the person who is steering the ship all the time. My husband will do whatever I ask but I have to ask. I have to think about it all and have all the initiative and care about it. And that honestly sucks. It creates an imbalanced power dynamic too. Because if I have to say "can you mow the 6ft high grass" he is doing it because I asked, not because it needs to be done. If I say "can you read with DD" it is a job I have delegated. That makes me the manager. There are no remuneration packages here to compensate me for this extra responsibility, so it isn't fair. It isnt a case of my husband not doing enough - he does easily 50%. It is just a case of him not thinking enough.

So, the whole point is, the mental load isn't doing, it's thinking. Of course it is easier when the mental load isn't yours; it is your wife's.

I have learnt today that people:
wash their windows frequently ( at all)
still post Christmas cards
remember and acknowledge their in-laws wedding anniversary
clean the sink every night
have stamps in their home

Absolutely astounded.

Well , I am apparently a man ( don't worry I'm actually as female who is as terfy as they come) because I could not give a flying feck about any of that, regularly leave not only a "tideline" in my kitchen sink but a whole stack of dirty dishes.
I have not only forgotten dressup day ( only once tbf) but actually twice sent a child on the wrong day to school - one was first day of pre-school and they rang and said "Erm we were expecting A to be starting today and as it's 10am..."
Me - "holy shite I thought that was tomorrow, I'd bring him in now but we are in our pj's watching Ben and Holly so it will have to be tomorrow"
The other I sent on a "pupil free day". Luckily DH had driven him, noticed the strange lack of kids for a 1000 student school and brought him home again.
My house is a mess but generally clean .
My walk-in pantry is so full I have to play tetris to get the soy sauce to fit.
I currently have 3 baskets full of clean laundry on my lounge room floor.
I have though raised 4 amazing human beings. The youngest lives with us ( and our 9 animals) and one of the adult ones alternates living with us and is here this weekend with his lovely gf.
I warned her the house was a tip before she arrived , but that was it ( disclaimer my parents have been in and out of hospital - alternating , sigh - for the last 6 months and the one not in hospital lives with me or my sibling.
I've also been sick so 2024 can get in the bin) - sorry for random rant.

Anyway OP I agree with you, people need to stop stressing!
I went to a funeral yesterday and it was 2 hours of lovely thoughts and photos about the person. Nobody mentioned their clean house!

Try to work to a compromise OP. Takeaway once a fortnight for example - kids choice.