DH is spoiling his adult daughter

this update is worse than the previous ones. You sound so bitter, it is not a healthy way to live your life.

She is earning her own money

The OP's son is not...

The jealousy is absolutely dripping out of you. Sad really.

Oh op. I feel so embarassed for you. I don’t know how he doesn’t have the ick. I really don’t. Yoh come across as so envious and grabby. If you’re letting him see your true self, this relationship is going to end.

Just stop, you're sounding greedier, more jealous and more petulant by the post.

So what if she has £500k for a house and her dad gifts her expensive jewellery, bags and shoes? I'm sure she'd give it all back for just one more day with her mother.

And why should the gifts be even? He earns much more than you, and has half the children you do, of course the gifts aren't going to be even.

Is your BF paying half of your children's expenses in the house and for college? If so, he's being incredibly generous and isn't even obliged to do that.

Where is their own father? Why are you not expecting him to contribute and 'even' things out.

The fact that you knew this man before his wife passed, makes me think that you saw him and his bank balance coming and now that things aren't working out the way you'd like, you're getting snotty and jealous. Green is not a good look on anyone OP. Be grateful for how generous your partner already is to you and your children.

I don't think this is a binary question. I think the buying of work clothes and him buying her more isn't unreasonable but I don't think it's good for any 18 year old should have unfettered access to cash so I don't think the credit card access is necessarily the best of ideas.

At 18 all children need to learnt to budget so I think all 3 children should be given a set amount of money each month and they are responsible for ensuring that there is money for essentials and extras and so on. BUT what that budget it should be based on a discussion between each child and their parent. I think it's generally healthier to be given a set amount and learning to manage it rather than having things bought every they ask regardless of the price of the items

Yes, a monster that’s already establishing herself in a lucrative industry whilst also doing a degree in wealth management. I’m sure the concept of saving and managing money is totally alien to her.

The gifts are proportionate to his income.

OP disagrees because she can’t afford the same for her son. It’s jealousy.

I’m just boggling at the idea of parents paying for a gym membership and phone bill for adult children. My parents slipped me cash for treats when they came to visit me at uni but my living costs had to come out of my grant and anything I earned working in the holidays.

(Except for food when I was back at home in the holidays. And my dad did used to comment that we were very good at leaving the car almost in empty when we’d been using it 😂)

That is not the equation I gave, and also would you conclude not money= not love from my words?

Care, affection and love is the thought and action.

You sound very jealous op.

Sorry that your step daughter didn’t become Cinderella.

She cuts her cloth on her wages and her dad’s support. She actually seems to have her head screwed on pretty well. Likely thanks to a supportive dad.

Your son decided not to work alongside. So he cuts his cloth on your support. Maybe you should have bagged a richer man for his dad.

That poor girl - loses her mother and ends up with a grabby stepmother who resents her.

You’re actually sounding worse and worse. What business is it of yours what shoes she wears, as long as you’re not expected to fund them?
Look, your stepdaughter has decided to go into private banking; your son has decided to do a history degree. He should get used to her having more money sooner rather than later!

She’s not, she’s teaching them they don’t need to work and they’ll have luxuries provided for them.

That is what’s so ironic about the whole post. Her son is doing a minimal contact time uni course yet doesn’t work. No work ethic is bring taught whatsoever.

Daughter on the other hand is being taught that hard work brings financial rewards.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I have everything left to the children for this reason (and my husband completely understands). It’s very clearly ring fenced with very specific criteria for release of funds and 3 trustees so that no manipulate future wife or partner can play the whole ‘they should all be treated equally’ game. My daughter will have the life my husband and I planned for her no matter what (son is now grown up so it’s been amended, originally when both were children it would have given both the lives we planned). He went along with it because it was important to me but I don’t think he saw it as in any way realistic that such a thing would happen - I just showed him this post and he was horrified that I was right about how some women think.

Be happy you are teaching your own kids a good way to live and budget. Whether she ends up being spoilt is not your doing or something for you to fix. This is your partners life and situation. Just focus on your own kids safe in the knowledge you are doing everything you can for them.

What your step daughter chooses to do with her money is none of your business. If your partner wants to 'spoil' her. That's none of your business.

She is working too and has money left by her mum. So I would be happy she's living a good life and not desperate for help and needing basic essentials paid for

Or accept this isn't a family set up that's going to work for you.

Any poster here with children leaving everything to her surviving DH should read this thread.

Widowed men are likely to remarry. It is quite possible that the new wife will view what you have left your DH as her 'family money'. Will she resent your DH spending this money on your children rather than on her children as is the case above.

This scenario becomes even more complicated if your surviving DH has children with his new wife. In these situations, it is quite possible that your children will receive very little and will not inherit anything if he leaves everything to his surviving spouse.

No 18 yo NEEDS the latest iphone or a gym membership. You still provide this for your son? Why? Because you can, and you want to.

Be honest, if your husband was a lower earner would you get your kid a £50 phone instead of the latest IPhone to make it "fair"?

you sound awful and I bet your husband has absolutely no idea of the resentment you hold towards this girl.

I truly hope this post gets picked up by the tabloids and reaches someone who recognises enough of the story to show him who you really are.

But there is no need to even out the gifts. You all live in the same house, but you are not a blended family. He isn't raising your children and you aren't raising his. He can and should treat his daughter how he likes.

No, but she wants them, and she and her father are happy to buy them. Good for her.

The gift situation doesn’t need to be evened out. That you can’t afford to provide the same for your son isn’t his problem, or hers - they have different means to you, which you were aware of when you married him.

I don't need jewellery. No one does. But I still buy earrings and bracelets as I like them. Nothing expensive, just things I like.
OP, you really do seem to be very angry about this. Many people, me included, think you probably have a very pleasant life. So is there anything else that is winding you up? It really seems beyond him spending money on his daughter.

I suspect she’s very aware of the value of money. You can spend on your children whilst also teaching them financial management and work ethic - this woman being a case in point.

He’s doing a history degree. Insanely low contact (teaching) time. He absolutely should have a job.

My degree is in history, I can’t imagine a degree course more suited to also working. If he was studying medicine, I would understand your point of view.

His daughter is a hard working young lady who sounds like she has real drive to succeed. Quite frankly, mind your own business regarding what he buys for her. If I was to pass away, I can guarantee my husband would be doing the same for our daughter and no new partner would be telling him otherwise!

Completely agree with this. I studied History and English in university then did my postgraduate teacher training where I taught for no pay 8-1 every day. College 2-6, and then worked in a bar till 11 at night to stay afloat. I still managed to get my qualifications but no way did I expect I wouldn't work to keep bills paid