Page 8 | DH is spoiling his adult daughter

Asofcati · 2024-10-25T19:19:03+00:00

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16. His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that. Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries. This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc. We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace. We cover for them (from the joint account) - Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive - gym membership - groceries they eat at home - travel to uni/work Anything outside that is up to them. Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany. I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc. I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style. I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!). AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Loub1987 · 26/10/2024 14:20

Good for her, she sounds like an impressive individual! Those jobs are not easy to get.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 14:20

IKEAJesus · 26/10/2024 14:13

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire

What’s the issue? They’re just clothes. If nobody is getting into debt, what’s the problem?

“I can’t afford to do it, so i’m going to dress it up like those that can and do have a moral deficiency”

in short.

Snugglemonkey · 26/10/2024 14:17

If you have separate finances, I don't think it is any of your business how he chooses to spend his money.

IKEAJesus · 26/10/2024 14:13

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire

What’s the issue? They’re just clothes. If nobody is getting into debt, what’s the problem?

Seasmoke · 26/10/2024 13:58

OP maybe instead of slagging off your stepdaughter online you should say all this to the person who can do something about it- your DH. Hes the one buying her Louboutins and handbags. I be you won't though, because you know the result would be you and your sons out on your ear. I bet your DS would have to get a job then.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 13:58

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:52

@IKEAJesus and @InterIgnis ,

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire, you seem to be missing the fact that the adult children share a house.

That means they aren’t completely separate.

If a couple move in together, and one is a multimillionaire and lives that lifestyle, and the other worries about money (assuming no shared finances), it makes the poorer one feel bad. Maybe if shouldn’t, but it does. Relative wealth is a real effect. Would you be happy cohabiting with someone who led a completely different lifestyle to yours (in either direction)?

The son didn’t choose for his mother to cohabit with her wealthy partner, so I think they, as a unit, need to consider what is reasonable for all the children, nor consider them totally separately.

Just as well you don’t need to consider it good parenting then, isn’t it? If you don’t want to do it then no one said you had to. This father does though, and he’s a good enough parent that his daughter has drive, ambition and work ethic.

The poorer one knew the situation when she married into it, bringing her children into it. If she didn’t like it she could have ended the relationship, same as she’s free to end it now if she doesn’t like it.

He isn’t responsible for her sons, and doesn’t need to consider what’s ’reasonable’ for all of them. They are separate, by virtue of only one being his child.

Radiolala · 26/10/2024 13:57

He sounds like a good guy.

To be blunt, It isn’t his daughters fault that you can’t provide the same for your dc.

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:52

@IKEAJesus and @InterIgnis ,

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire, you seem to be missing the fact that the adult children share a house.

That means they aren’t completely separate.

If a couple move in together, and one is a multimillionaire and lives that lifestyle, and the other worries about money (assuming no shared finances), it makes the poorer one feel bad. Maybe if shouldn’t, but it does. Relative wealth is a real effect. Would you be happy cohabiting with someone who led a completely different lifestyle to yours (in either direction)?

The son didn’t choose for his mother to cohabit with her wealthy partner, so I think they, as a unit, need to consider what is reasonable for all the children, nor consider them totally separately.

Completelyjo · 26/10/2024 13:51

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:40

I find some of the replies here strange. She is lucky enough to have found a degree apprenticeship which pays good money. Nothing wrong with that and good for her.

But, in most households parents subsidise children until they have their own earnings, and then everyone contributes something to the household if they still live there.

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

Fairness is not always precise equality.

“If you had two children…” is irrelevant, he doesn’t have two children. He has one. The DS has his own parents.

Fairness is not always precise equality is the exact irony, OP treats her son well, the DH treats his daughter well. They both have both their needs and wants provided for, the exact sum is not the same though, isn’t that the exact fairness you’re talking about? Or is it only fairness to increase the subsidy for the OP’s son?

NinevehBabylon · 26/10/2024 13:51

OP, are you perhaps jealous that he’s not indulging you in the same way as his daughter? Is that it?

Mickey79 · 26/10/2024 13:48

Yabu. He is paying for things for his daughter out of his own personal money. I’m hoping you haven’t said anything to him about this. I’d be furious in his position if you did.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 13:47

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 26/10/2024 13:37

I wonder if this were an 18 year old son who had lost his father, and his mother was showering him in expensive gifts and giving him full access to her credit card just because she could afford it, would get the same sympathy....

He would from me, whether there was a lost parent involved or not. Her mother could be alive and he still wouldn’t be doing anything wrong.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 13:45

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:40

I find some of the replies here strange. She is lucky enough to have found a degree apprenticeship which pays good money. Nothing wrong with that and good for her.

But, in most households parents subsidise children until they have their own earnings, and then everyone contributes something to the household if they still live there.

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

Fairness is not always precise equality.

That’s up to the parents in question. Some parents will do that, others won’t.

Her parent doesn’t have two children he needs to be fair to, he has one. He can afford to, and wants to, give her an ‘unnecessary allowance’.

IKEAJesus · 26/10/2024 13:44

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

No, but I would happily treat both children if I wanted to and could afford to. The husband in this situation only has one child - I’m not seeing the unfairness here. If the son at university was his, presumably he also would have access to similar things to the daughter.

anonymousc · 26/10/2024 13:42

Her father (and mother?) have worked hard to earn the £££. I bet they were motivated to do so to support THEIR children, not teenage boys they aren't related to.

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:40

I find some of the replies here strange. She is lucky enough to have found a degree apprenticeship which pays good money. Nothing wrong with that and good for her.

But, in most households parents subsidise children until they have their own earnings, and then everyone contributes something to the household if they still live there.

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

Fairness is not always precise equality.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 26/10/2024 13:37

I wonder if this were an 18 year old son who had lost his father, and his mother was showering him in expensive gifts and giving him full access to her credit card just because she could afford it, would get the same sympathy....

Completelyjo · 26/10/2024 13:35

@Newbutoldfather but OP’s son’s phone bill is also paid from the joint account, which presumably the OP pays less into anyway.
Why pay for the phone bill of one 18 year old because they choose not to work and then refuse to pay it for the one the one who does work?
If the son wants more money he can get a job like the DH’s DD has.

Completelyjo · 26/10/2024 13:33

Asofcati · 26/10/2024 11:43

Ok fair enough.
Just to clarify, his daughter has over £500,000 being held back for when she’s ready to buy a house, that is the money from her mum, so no it’s not her mums money letting us all be mortgage free.
Fair enough DS could work but that wouldn’t even out the gifts situation.
No 18 year old, needs jewellery or bags worth thousands. She has several pairs of bloody louboutins she wears to work!!

You’re coming off worse and worse.
Why would it need to even out the gift situation? She’s a separate child with separate parents. Your children are not your husband’s children.
Your 18 year old doesn’t need his phone bill paid or his gym paid, presumable you do it because you can and you are happy to help.
The actual cost of things are irrelevant, it comes down to ability and earnings.
No one would begrudge a parent paying for a work wardrobe for their 18 year old who only had a uniform and casual clothes prior to her apprenticeship. It’s a completely normal thing for a parent to do.
You’re letting your jealously get in the way by obsessing over the brands, but why would he make his DD get a work wardrobe from primark when he can afford much more?
His income clearly more than allows for it.

UpUpUpU · 26/10/2024 13:29

It just gets worse…

What is your job @Asofcati? I’m guessing the success of an 18 year old is a bit close to a nerve?

Everleigh13 · 26/10/2024 13:27

I don’t think what he spends on his daughter from his personal money is any of your business.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 13:24

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:08

OP, I agree with you, he is spoiling her.

If she is earning £24k she should be paying some basic expenses too, such as her phone.

It’s a difficult position, as her father is (understandably) trying to compensate her for losing her mother, but no amount of money will ever do that, and she risks putting far too much value on material things, especially considering her future career.

I also think that your son must acutely feel the difference, given that they share a house.

The question is, though, what can you do about it. The last thing you want to get into is a losing arms race over spoiling your children, so all you can do is inculcate good value into them so that they don’t care if she is materially wealthier.

There’s nothing wrong with valuing material things. Hes buying her gifts proportionate to what he can afford, and what he can afford is more than most. It pains be foolish and profligate if he was spending beyond his means, but he isn’t. He’s also clearly instilled in her ambition, work ethic, financial literacy, and drive. He may be buying her gifts, but she’s also aware that she needs to support herself in future if she wants to continue living this lifestyle - her chosen career path demonstrates that. That isn’t someone that is ‘spoilt’.

NowImNotDoingIt · 26/10/2024 13:24

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:08

OP, I agree with you, he is spoiling her.

If she is earning £24k she should be paying some basic expenses too, such as her phone.

It’s a difficult position, as her father is (understandably) trying to compensate her for losing her mother, but no amount of money will ever do that, and she risks putting far too much value on material things, especially considering her future career.

I also think that your son must acutely feel the difference, given that they share a house.

The question is, though, what can you do about it. The last thing you want to get into is a losing arms race over spoiling your children, so all you can do is inculcate good value into them so that they don’t care if she is materially wealthier.

OP is also spoiling her son, just at a different level.

Newbutoldfather · 26/10/2024 13:08

OP, I agree with you, he is spoiling her.

If she is earning £24k she should be paying some basic expenses too, such as her phone.

It’s a difficult position, as her father is (understandably) trying to compensate her for losing her mother, but no amount of money will ever do that, and she risks putting far too much value on material things, especially considering her future career.

I also think that your son must acutely feel the difference, given that they share a house.

The question is, though, what can you do about it. The last thing you want to get into is a losing arms race over spoiling your children, so all you can do is inculcate good value into them so that they don’t care if she is materially wealthier.

InterIgnis · 26/10/2024 13:05

RedRobyn2021 · 25/10/2024 20:55

I you're married then the money should be shared IMO, none of these BS comments about it being his money. I'd want to be doing more for my son and making things fairer.

That's just my opinion.

That’s not how this marriage works, and that’s something OP knew going in. It is indeed his money, and she was and is free to leave if she doesn’t like it. She can want to make things ‘fairer’ as much as she likes, but unless she’s going to increase her own income then that isn’t going to happen.

I imagine she’s tried to broach this topic with her husband, and been told that she can either accept it or leave. Hence why she’s taken to bitching on mumsnet.