DH is spoiling his adult daughter

Everything everyone else has said plus you do realise £24k is only a snip over minimum wage don’t you? Alright it’s lower for her age group but Labour are talking about getting rid of that and my point is it’s not a high wage (though it sounds like she will be a high earner in that career and good for her)

Sounds to me like your kids are spoiled too - they get everything paid for and then arisen loan is for funsies? Not many kids out there who get that.

he is trying to be two parents to her and has likely over compensated for years with gifts. I don’t think he has to stop just because your kids will see it. At least yours are boys so won’t be as jealous of
clothes and jewellery etc

This won't end well. I would drop it if I were you. He can spend his disposable income as he wishes. The more U rail against his daughter the more U will alienate him and her. U do U and Ur kids. I do bail out my kids more than my partner would like, I don't appreciate it when he mentions it. I never comment on what he spends on his kid. His kid also will have a half mill home of his own and mine will be buying their own. If U value your relationship I would leave this be. The older ones may move out soon. It's not a hill to die on

I am with everyone else on this. His daughter, he can spend as much of his own money on her as he likes. Not his fault or hers that you can’t afford the same for yours. She is working and studying at the same time. Your son can do the same!
As for the rooms. I would be inclined to let her have the room with the en-suite. Is your children’s dad helping you out?

Thos would be marriage ending for me. I'm talking about dh. His child lost her mother at a very hard age. You get married and think your daughter will have some normalcy. Then you realize you married the fairy tale wicked step mother. I say this as an ex step mother so I'm Def not a step mother hater.

How he spends his money is up to him. It's not joint money.
Is the daughter's attitude spoilt or does she just have more and nicer stuff?

24k is pretty standard for a degree apprenticeship nationally. In London its an absolute pittance yet youre acting like she's rolling in it.

You sound really resentful and YABVU

I couldn't agree more...

What a vile, vile woman. Every post gets worse.

I wish this girl nothing but happiness and success and hope her father sees the money grabbing witch his wife is.

£24k is hardly raking it in. It’s really not your business how much your partner spends on his daughter. I’d resent a partner questioning what I spend on my child. Remember, blood is thicker than water.

Your son could actually get a job. I worked 4 jobs through a double degree. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t work part time while at university, including very wealthy people.

What a greedy entitled witch (should be another word, but it'll be deleted). And I'm not talking about the daughter.

He's already subbing you and your lazy workshy sons aplenty, adding 'a fair bit more' (as you say) of money to buy you a house you otherwise couldn't afford and paying 70% of the bills, although there are two of them and three of you. He chooses to treat his orphaned daughter with his personal money, money HE earned.

You wan't 'fairer'? Cover half the house purchase and at least half the bills, since there are three of you. No? Didn't think so.

This girl is working and earning 24k at 18, that's fantastic, not 'bonkers'. And begrudging her 500k for the house she'll be able to buy.. Yes, because HER MOM DIED and she has a hag for a stepmother.

I'm usually taking stepmoms' side as they do get an unfair bashing here, but you are despicable. I sincerely hope someone recognizes your family from here, shows this thread to your husband and he'll dump you.

There does seem to be an element of jealousy. They have no mortgage, dh pays 70% of joint costs and still has plenty of disposable income. As a dermatologist, he will have a great pension on retirement, so won’t have that to worry about. I mean, what else would he spend his money on if not his own daughter. I’m surprised he was short sighted enough to marry again though in all honesty, a decision he may well regret later.

In my industry it's common to not qualify until you late 28s and most of my friends at some point had support from their parents. It takes a minimum of 2 degrees offen 3! We were on student loans and then university stipends. The stipends were approximately the equivalent to minimum wage.

It's a conversation between them. It sounds like £24k, I assume before tax unless it's a stipend it which case it won't be taxed, isn't enough to find her lifestyle but dad is in a position to do so. It's probably a bit culture shock to make an 18yo fund it but it would be different if it's still the case when she's 21-25 and still needing the same financial support.

That said. I would be mortified if I was her and haven't taken a penny from my parents that I didn't desperately need after my mum slapped me aged 21 for not being grateful "enough" for the money I did get and I haven't accepted anything off them aside from Christmas and birthday presents since I graduated from my undergraduate degree! My mother has built in an unhealthy amount of shame into accepting financial help from someone. Relationships and relationships with money are complicated!

Firstly, a degree apprenticeship in a private bank will be very much 'dress for the job you want not the job you have.' She is essentially auditioning, and would absolutely need to look the part. It may also be that she goes out for an expensive lunch or needs to buy a round of no doubt expensive drinks, and the credit card is a safety net for this. And a cab back should she find herself in an uncomfortable position. It really is a role where you need to match and understand your clients lifestyles. Good on him for understanding these 'soft' elements of the job.

Secondly, I would put all your energies into making sure your son can maximise the potential of his degree when he graduates. What does he want to do? Can he start interning, getting work experience etc as soon as possible so his CV is stellar. Lots of management consultancies etc offer internships over the summer - help him start looking.

That's where the imbalance will show itself eventually, in her high income. So help him be in a position to achieve the same if he wants it, or to be happy with what he does choose. Not splitting hairs over phone contracts or her dad looking after her and making sure she has an appropriate work wardrobe. They both probably wish her mum could have been there to help her with it.

Absolutely this.

Also I wonder if some of this jealousy the op is displaying towards the DD is also about the DD's mother and her wealth.
Perhaps feeling "less than" the mother and dd in her DH's eyes/heart?

I can't imagine it's easy to follow in the footsteps of a deceased wife, knowing they hadn't actually split up by choice.

Imagine being jealous of your step daughter for having money to buy a house because her mum died. Then having a shitty step mum who resents her own father treating her.

Because it’s not fair that he spends his own private spending money on her.

Just imagine I’m sure the poor lass would much rather her mum be alive together with her dad and her than the 500k and living with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you sound jealous of your stepdaughter. It's not very nice.

She will never struggle to a buy a house as she has over half a million tucked away from her mum!

From her ‘mum’s death.

You sound callous. The use of an exclamation mark here makes me wince. ‘Tucked away’ sounds like she is sneaky and avaricious. Why not say ‘saved’?

Look at your boys. Imagine what their lives would have been like had you died when they were ten. I find this girl’s situation so sad. And your clear jealousy of her wardrobe is just embarrassing.

I hope she has some kind of softer mother figure in her life. I really do.

I suspect he’s got his money protected, which is contributing to OP’s rancor. Unlike his daughter, she doesn’t have access to his credit cards.

I seriously doubt many history students are spending 40 hours a week on their studies, unless this has really changed since I was at university.

This

I don’t think it is a reasonable expectation for an undergraduate to work (except in the holidays).

I know some do, by necessity, but it is completely different to a degree/apprenticeship. If you are doing an academic degree, and history is definitely academic, your study should be your work.

Green eyed monster OP. The girl lost her mother at age 10, that's incredibly tough and her Dad has always felt guilty and the need to compensate. There are so many men that do the complete opposite. He sounds like a good guy.

You have a comfortable life by the sounds of it. You've got 2 healthy sons who will become professionals in the not too distant future and a high earning husband, plus you aren't skint yourself. I don't really see your angst other than pure resentment because your sons aren't earning 24k and wearing designer clothes at age 18. Well, they aren't and that's their lives for now. This will eat you up if you don't stop it. You sound in a much nicer position than me and lots of other people who are nowhere near as bitter as you.

Fair enough DS could work but that wouldn’t even out the gifts situation

I mean at this point it’s just about entitlement, isn’t it? You live mortgage free - thanks to your husband. Your son has his basic needs covered as well as a phone and gym memebership from joint family monies to which you admit your husband makes a larger contribution than you. Despite doing a degree where there is no professional outcome (doctor, nurse, teacher, vet….) and thus an expectation that he works as part of his course, he does no paid work. That is a way better deal than by far the majority of young people currently at uni.

You then expect your husband to spend the same on your son, a child who is not his responsibility, as he spends on his daughter? Why? Why is this your expectation?

He sure as hell needs to get his will in order to ensure his daughter is provided for. I don’t fancy her chances if everything is left in your hands.

That's annual leave, every working person is allowed annual leave. She doesn't get the month off over Christmas or the 3 months off in the summer that your son does.

Seriously you need to have a word with yourself because you really aren't coming across very well.

I'm glad you came back OP, just to confirm how truly dreadful you really are.