DH is spoiling his adult daughter

No I appreciate that but in a blended household it would be nice to treat the kids fairly and equally as you would siblings

ensuite of course, she is woman and your 2 both are men so they can share bathroom etc.

his money, his daughter.

as you say you are already covered in case of split, you have to accept you have 2 and he has one kid.

why compare her designer stuff to your son who is a man? of course being French and fashion aware, she needs those stuff.

not sure this relationship is headed in a good direction if you have these non-issues.

@Lucie390 they started sharing a house at 16, they are not siblings in any meaningful way.

You sound jealous of you stepdaughter. She is working and earning her money. I cannot see why your son, while studying history, can't get a part time job. Imagine losing your mum at age 10, have some compassion and empathy.

I wonder what he would think if he knew that this is how you view him spending his own money on his daughter, he is her only parent. He paid a bigger proportion for the house, his daughter is the only girl, of course she should have the room with the en-suite, your sons can share a bathroom.
Hopefully he never finds out how you really feel. You need to focus on your own children, teach them to self sufficient and get part time jobs!

I am confused.

You say you can’t give your kids the same. But also that she is spoilt.

So you wouldn’t give your kids the same if you could?

Qhwther married or not, earning the same or not, bringing the children together later or not, I am with you OP and think its tricky to navigate when you arecall sharing a home. If you lived separately it may be easier. No words of wisdom but wantwd to share a different perspective. You are neither separate nor together on this and with the kids in the house i do think that makes for tricky situation if you want to support your families to be connected.

This is only a problem because you chose to move your children in together.

None of the children should be treated any differently by their own parent than they would have been if the move had never happened. Otherwise you are basically asking for them to resent their step parent.

You have separate finances for a reason and you don’t get to decide how much he spends on his daughter. If you make this into an issue you will only create drama and cause your step daughter to dislike and distrust you. If your son is upset by the situation and you want to rectify it then take him out of it. Don’t try and change things for other peoples children.

So if he put more money in the house and gets 1.5 bedrooms compared to your 2.5 bedrooms I don’t see a problem. If I were in the same position I’d absolutely expect my own child to get the en-suite, especially if the others were opposite sex. I love ‘spoiling’ my now adult children and they’re level headed, hard working individuals who appreciate the treats but never expect them. I wonder if it’s actually an element of guilt that you can’t do the same for your own children (who also seem very well provided for btw) and you’re turning this into an element of resentment. You need to let it go as if you start showing your resentment and dissatisfaction he’d be perfectly justified in deciding you’re not someone he wants in his/his daughter’s life

He can and should treat his daughter however he wants , it’s from his own ‘personal/fun’ money. If you want Tiffany jewellery , tell him. I’m sure he will get you something. He earns more so he spends more and he chooses to spend it on her. If he pays all that he’s agreed with you towards your joint expenses , whatever is left is for his use , at his discretion. If you want to revise that figure , talk to him. But you can’t police what he spends his money on.

Do you get on with her? What is your relationship like?

I don't understand the comment about it being bonkers that she earns a living....surely this is a good thing? She seems very motivated for 18. If he was funding her living a bum lifestyle I would get it but I don't understand your gripe with this.

I would tread carefully, from your partners POV I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

Well if you have separate financials I suppose he can give her any money he wants? You say your can’t do the same with your kids - then don’t - you say she’s spoiled so not doing this to your kids - isn’t that what you want?

Wow ! I came on here to look at something all together different and saw the post and responses. Honestly if you come on here and want anything other than brutality don’t bother !!

I think how you feel is completely understandable. As a family you want to feel a team and for everyone to be treated equally but this is obviously not the case. This site is becoming like tattle !! Honestly the same people must reply day in day out as I see responses from these people that not only lack understanding, but are also in judgement because you are in a privileged position (or are you and you haven’t just worked hard but anyway). Honestly don’t expect any kindness from here !

It sounds to me that yes it is unfair as one sibling if you like, is being treated unfairly, but not quite sure how you solve that in your position. I don’t have any answers but maybe look elsewhere for advice !

I was thinking the same thing.

You don’t sound like a nice person at all.
This young woman has lost her mum at a very young age, she is doing well for herself studying and working. How can you begrudge her father wanting to make sure she is comfortable?

We’ve had separate finances for our whole relationship. It’s worked for us for 26 years of marriage.

well Im guessing there will be a point where this equal supporting ends, which Im assuming is when they finish Uni/training and get their first jobs.

By which time your second son will need supporting from the family pot - so in a way maybe his single daughter will ultimately 'cost' the same as your two boys?

Controversially, I’m not sure it’s her that is the spoilt one….

Making it fairer by getting another man to pay for her adult children, when they already have a father presumably?

"AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?"

Yes it is. It's not a relationship I'd choose to be in because it's not a characteristic I could respect.

But, if I did, I'd handle it by reminding myself we have separate finances and he's paying this out of his personal money and is not expecting me to contribute to it so it's really none of my business. I'd also make sure it didn't become my problem by making it perfectly clear that he could do whatever he liked with his money but he'd better never ask me to cover even one penny of his expenses because he's chosen to spend all his money on his daughter.

I would also tell my children, if they complained, that life is not fair. You've got what you've got and he's got what he's got. You've chosen to keep your finances separate so they need to respect that.

She is earning money and not a loan then she should be paying rent

You're jealous of a father loving his daughter. It sounds like you're all well off so maybe get some therapy to explore why you feel in competition with your step-daughter.

She sounds great. Degree apprenticeships are highly sought after and competitive.

She sounds like she’s got her head screwed on despite losing her mum and moving countries in her teens. You just sound like you don’t like her very much.

Why are people saying they're not married... It's DH, not DP, right?

I don't have a huge opinion on this one, but if they are married then the OP has a leg to stand on here. If they are just living together with separate finances then no.

Also, to add, I think this attitude you have directed at his DD is really out of order. This issue is between him and you, she's not a "princess" just because her dad is choosing to spend a lot of money on her

I would be upset with him, not her. He's your husband, she's basically just a child/young adult

There's nothing wrong with a father treating his daughter (adult or not) to nice things.