DH is spoiling his adult daughter

Sorry haven't RTFT but have read OP updates.

I actually think it's touching on controlling to tell him he can't spend any "extra" money on his daughter beyond what you've agreed. You don't share finances, he earns more than you, he's been her sole parent for eight years, and it sounds like he's moved himself and his teen daughter to a new country for you... Now you want to tell him that his daughter's (wise) uni choice means he's got to put the kibosh on the treats he wants to give her. If you were my partner in this situation I think I'd laugh. Sorry.

Why not reframe it - he's a good and present dad, he's supporting and encouraging her drive to do well, he wants to use his "fun money" to prioritise her happiness. There are worse things in life. Yes, you will have to tell your boys they won't always get the same things other people get 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's parenting.

We can't tell from the information provided. Perhaps the daughter will because she is doing a degree apprenticeship out in the real world already?

2 of the children still have both their parents though who could both support their children mentally and financially whereas one lost her mother as a youngster and has been brought to another country so her father could live with a woman who sounds bitter and resentful of her.

Well he could start by talking to her?

Explain that he expects her to save x% of her income for her future?

If she refuses then that's when it gets tricky but hopefully she wouldn't.

We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

It's not exactly a trail of breadcrumbs in the woods situation for EITHER of them, is it? My mammy would have laughed at me if I'd asked her to pay for gym membership for me at that age.

Maybe her dad thinks YOUR son is spoilt because his kid is working AND studying whereas you've given yours permission not to look for work.

Does the boys' father contribute to their upkeep at all?

It’s really not up to you. At the age your kids are they will understand not everyone has the same amount of money. Do you think you might be jealous of her and wish he was spending this money on you instead?

Sorry OP but you come across as resentful. Stating her salary being “bonkers” for already being £24k sounds like jealousy, rather than being happy for her. Degree apprenticeships are incredibly hard work, you should be happy she is working hard and studying at the same time? It’s your husbands money, he is entitled to spend it how he wishes, especially as your agreement is to have separate finances. It would be a different story if your funds were joint.

Also, cut the girl some slack, she lost her mother at 10 and deserves to be treated now and again!

He's comfortably off and he enjoys treating his daughter (who seems to be his only child). Why wouldn't he? It is in no way unusual. And as for being an adult, she is just barely that at 18.

How much money do you think your son should have for "fun"? Do you think he should have the same as someone who is studying and working when he is only studying? I'm sure your partner's daughter and your sons don't view each other as siblings and understand that not everybody has the same resources and finances. It's not unfair, it's just life and they are all very privileged.

You haven't mentioned your sons' father but if they receive any money from him or his family you surely wouldn't expect that to be shared with their stepsister.

Ooof this thread could be a bit identifiable. Especially if the Daily Mail get interested!

YABU OP.

How do you suggest he does that? He has no more control over her money than his wife does over his.

But they are - gym, not paying rent, mobile phones….

yea she has ensuite but surely if not one of the boys would have it and she would have to share with a boy whom she didn’t really know.

they are being treated fairly with the “Family” money - some of which may well have been her deceased mothers money.

I'm surprised that he isn't insisting she saves x% of her earnings when she is on that salary and living rent free

I worked during my degree, so did a lot of people. We didn't get overwhelmed or lose track of our studies. Some people don't have the choice and have to work as well as studying.

yes, hence my q about why an 18 yo boy would care about Tiffany jewellery etc etc. only a woman would, the op, for herself.

mentioning ds is a red herring.

His money, his child.

I think he could do with losing his resentful new wife though.

You write like the jealousy is coming from you rather than your boys - your husband is not using your income so I don't see the issue. With inheritance tax changes likely its better she spends his money now than pay it in tax!

I dunno. If my dad moved in with a woman and her sons when I was 16 and told me I’d have to be treated the same way as her sons I think I’d have been put out.

Not only are they not siblings, they didn’t grow up together either.

Why can’t they each parent their own kids as they wish and can afford. All three kids sound like they are doing well by average standards in any case.

If the DH wants to spoil his only child who lost her mother as a child let him.

That doesn't seem particularly fair on him..

Usually you would own the property in unequal shares in this situation so if he put in 3x the deposit you did, he would get proportionately more of the profits not split the profits equally.

Essentially you're investing less but getting the same return as him.

But I suspect you know that. The whole post is basically a whinge that he isn't as much of a meal ticket for you and your kids as you want

I spoil my adult children a bit, as much as I can afford to. They are respectful and honest and I love making them happy. Hell would freeze over before I allowed a bloke who wasn't their father to tell me how to spend my money or how to treat my children. I think you should mind your own business.

In hindsight, you perhaps should have saved moving in together when all the children were independent.

You either go along with it or you have to separate.

Is it really nice for a 16 year old to suddenly have a lower lifestyle because her dad’s new GF/wife has 2 almost adults who he’s expected to support also?
Why can’t their father make up the difference?
The DH is already providing a much nicer house than the OP could afford.

my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing

WTH. She has her wage because she earns it! Why didn’t your son get a degree apprenticeship if he wanted that money??

It is highly unpleasant that you begrudge an 18y girl money. She lost her mum aged ten and nothing will ever make up for that. I am so close and supportive to my 18y girl. I feel so sad for this girl who has navigated her teen years without maternal love and support. She sounds bright and motivated. So what if her dad treats her. She deserves it.

Wow, not your call at all. He can spend his money on his daughter and it doesn’t need to be equal at all. You’re responsible for your dc and he’s responsible for his dd. Your attitude is rude to his dd though.