DH is spoiling his adult daughter

I can’t help but thinking what a lovely life these people have - no mortgage in London, clearly very comfortable, bright kids all doing well.
Personally, I think not teaching kids about the value of money is a mistake but that’s just a lesson I’ve learned myself over time.
I had three jobs at Uni and to be quite frank I learned just as much from them as I did in my degree. That feeling of getting your pay packet is so valuable.
I do feel for this young woman having lost her mother. But her father clearly has the funds to treat her.
It feels like she’s walking into an episode of ‘Industry’ in head-to-toe labels but she’s in wealth management - possibly the labels will pay off for her in the future.
Having a DC do a degree and not work at all is not great. Unless his course is 60 hours a week, it’s a great way to meet lots of different people and have some balance in life.

Well, I mean, that's a bit spoiled isn't it?

You seem.to.dislike your DSD enormously. She can't help earning £24k whilst your son only has a student loan - they are taking very different approaches to getting a degree. It is worth remembering that your children are not really equal - different sets of parents with different circumstances. Did mum leave money? That would put a different light on it.

Your son did have the option to study whatever pleased him, and he chose a course which doesn't mean he earns alongside it. Your husband's daughter chose a course (apprenticeship) which means she earns money. That's your son's fault if anything - although it's nobody's fault really, it's only becoming like that because you personally have a problem with it.

24k at 18 is insane to you? Not to be rude but aren't you familiar with inflation? 10 years ago I was on £19,500 a year in my first office job, no experience required, entry level without a degree. I earnt that by interviewing well, which is probably the same for your step daughter. I believe at the time the average wage was around 25k a year, and it's now 30k plus - so me and her probably had equivalent wages. It's not as high as you're making out it is.

She's starting to work in an industry where often appearance matters and those around her will be in designer clothes - her dad can afford it and wants to treat her - so what? My parents also bought me my first wardrobe of office clothes, granted it was missing Selfridge and new look but I was in a tiny tradesmen office where the industries starting point isn't anywhere near the same as your SD.

Quite frankly you appear to be creating problems where nobody else is bothered or cares. If you wanted your kids to earn more, you could have exposed them to careers with higher wages or encouraged them to take on apprenticeships like your SD instead of doing a degree which by nature means you aren't earning money for 3 years unless you take on a part time job. Which your son can,by the way? Why can't he do that? In the one year I was at uni, I simply HAD to and was working 30 hours a week whilst studying. I needed the money. Your son only wants (well, you want) the extra money, so he could get an easygoing part time zero hour gig. You say you want him to focus on his studies by they have maybe 3 hours a day worth of lectures with some days off and some days 1 hour, maybe 1 full day in the schedule - let me tell you he will have plenty of time to do 16 hours a week working for pocket money. It would barely interrupt his student lifestyle.

I fear you have typecasted her as a spoilt brat for making a good educational/financial decision and are slightly infantalising your son in such a way that you'd discourage him from making similar wise decisions such as get a part time job so he can work harder and play harder.

Think you need to mind your business on this unless you want to come across as a bit of a bitter stepmum.

Just to say that studying history is not a dead end. It's quite possible if the degree is a good one to then do a conversion to law course and on to a pupilege. In other words become a barrister.

Yabu. Its his money, his daughter

Girl lost her mum aged 10. Nothing will replace her mum and that is a trauma no one should have to go through. If her well off Dad wants to spend his disposable income on her, that's his choice and entirely right.

Do you not realise your husband's daughter's choice of study and career path mean she is going to be earning well? It sounds as if she is a sensible girl who is working while studying, and while she enjoys nice things, she will soon be able to afford these little luxuries and a fine life for herself.

Your son, on the other hand. Reading history is a fine thing to do, really admirable. But he is not going to be earning in the same bracket as the daughter. If money and luxuries were important to him, he would have chosen a different course of study.

Just admit it. You are the jealous one here. You resent her, you don't like her. And that is what this is about.

Are you also maybe a wee bit jealous that she has secured a competitive apprenticeship and she is on track to be very financially successful herself? I would no call her the spoilt one here, no.

That's not her child and not her business. We aren't talking about 5yo or young kids where this would be a different situation. We are talking about adult children who are making choices about their own financial setup. I would dump you so fast if you dared tell me what to spend on my dc.

You partnered up with a richer man with a daughter who earns her own money also who are both clearly used to living a certain way then your all shocked that they both still wish to live that way.

It’s not like they are taking money out your pockets or your children’s it’s their own personal spends.

Most of what you mention is pretty standard for people who can afford it. You cut your cloth and that means that many well off people - particularly where they approve of their children’s choices - support their children well into adulthood to maintain the kind of lifestyle that they considerable reasonable and similar to what they have at home until they are fully qualified in their chosen (usually well paid) profession and self sufficient. Even then some subsidised holidays etc may be a feature on an ongoing basis as the parents like to treat their hardworking kids and can afford to do so. I’m not making a judgement on anyone, just saying that nothing you mention is different to what I have seen. I think that if wanted your partner to do differently with his money then that’s something to have hammered out pre moving in together. I’m afraid it’s just a difference of approach.

I have known many young people in even more privileged circumstances who work extremely hard in demanding courses, move on to work 12-14 hour days and over nighters) despite their wealth ( eg young lawyers, doctors, investment professionals, civil servants) who are far from spoiled, appreciate the softer path they’ve had due to parental love and wealth and who are partly motivated by the need to do the same for their eventual offspring. Money doesn’t spoil - attitude does.

I doubt OP is coming back. She is probably say sulking or having a tantrum at the unfairness of life.

As somebody who is in a relationship with a widower I can tell you that he has a big pot of inheritance and monthly pensions payments that he rightly, spends on the kids. They both have expensive hobbies, they travel the world and they are both, fabulous late teens with their heads screwed on. He can also be very generous to my son but I do not expect that at all and definitely don’t encourage it.

Dont be such a jealous dick OP. Ask to have this thread removed as it could be outing for the daughter (who sounds brilliant by the way).

Tell your son to get a job if he wants more money (although I don’t remember you saying he does).

What do you want? Your husband to provide designer clothes for your kids or to not provide any for his daughter?

OP you do sound jealous, jealous of what your DP can give his DD compared to what you can give to your DC. You also sound jealous of her career, you need to deal with these feelings. Soon she will start receiving bonus’ and there’s nothing like a good bonus to get people’s backs up.
Your DS will have 5 months off a year, maybe the DD will be jealous of him then when she working and studying hard. Maybe she’ll wish she could go and do Camp America etc or lay in bed all summer, who knows?
Your DC have a good set up, concentrate on what you are doing for them.
I understand how tricky this situation is for you but you aren’t a ‘traditional’ nuclear family where all 3 DC should be treated fairly/equally.

Sorry but enabling your young person not to work does them no favours. When we take on new trainees and grads, you can spot the ones who have never worked a mile off. And not in a good way 🫤

I worked in a supermarket from my final year at school and through some of university. I learned soooo much from that experience that no amount of book learning is ever going to teach you. I also grew in confidence when dealing with new people etc. Also, I had an entirely separate group of friends and social life outside of school/uni, with people from all walks of life, and that was valuable too.

i want my kids to work. Not for the money, I can cover that, but because life experience is so important.

The OP is jealous of her step daughter, her sons probably couldn't give a shit about Van Cleef jewellery or Ralph Lauren work clothes and designer handbags. They probably wouldn't know Van Cleef from cheap copies from QVC.

It has nothing to do with her being the 2nd wife (although the fact she mentions they were friends before his wife died and got together fairly quickly after feels like she was hovering in the wings) and all to do with the fact she is jealous and would probably like the step daughter to hate her father and disappear.

But they are. That’s why they’re called full-time degrees. The academics and the universities design full time courses. The amount of ‘contact time’ is only a very small part of the course. Students are expected to work much more independently than at school (as teachers are forever trying to warn them) and doing a humanities degree right really does involve an awful lot of reading, and preparation for seminars, and essay writing, and usually a dissertation.

I’m not saying that student finance and the rental market is designed with the same expectations. But if a parent is able to provide for a student child to the extent that they do not have to work in term time, then that is not spoiling them, just allowing them to do their degree in the way the university expects.

No doubt he was mortgage free before you met due to the death of his wife.

You and your children have benefitted from that because he sold up and bought a property with you with no mortgage.

In effect therefore the spare funds your DP has is also because his wife died, so his daughter is entitled to receive some of that. Your children are not!

So you're saying money=love?
God there are some materialistic people on here

Oh dear
That's a slippery slope. IME this sort of thing doesn't end well. He could be creating a monster. Is she sensible with her own money or is he also bailing her out?
Nothing wrong with him gifting her things although to me it sounds way over the top.
Ultimately it is up to him as it is his daughter but I understand why you disagree.

You need to put this into perspective. Your kids are also spoilt by many people's standards, and get a lot more than many other kids. You do this because you love them and you can afford it.

Would you afford it without your husband?

Would you give them less if you were married to someone that earned less than you?

So buy the items for your DS?

And tell your DP that you'll be contributing less to the family pot for that month for that reason.

I agree that it's not fair that one child gets £££ spent on them whilst the other gets £.

I would be livid if someone told me what to buy or not buy for any of my DC. The DD sounds like she is doing very well in her life and she has a fantastic opportunity to earn really big money. Who knows maybe one day she’ll be able to treat her DF.

As you said, his money, his choice.
Your sons are not his problem.

I did history at UCL I worked in the student union on and off all the way through it. To be fair I lived a high old life and didnt study much in term I worked enough at home in the hols to get a 2:1. History has a laughably low requirement to actually work.

You're spoiling both of them

What is 'bonkers' about his daughters salary?