DH is spoiling his adult daughter

No it's not at all. Girl doesn't have unlimited spending power. She's working. When they open xmas gifts...no need for dramatics. i highly doubt the son will understand or care about loboutins. Maybe ops husband is actually buying similar gifts, anyway, for Xmas, how do you make this assumption.

This isn't a blended family, it's two adults having to live together as parents decided to cohabit. That's it. From the way op talks about this girl, she clearly resents her and doesn't think she's her family. Everyone in the thread caught up to it.

The OP didn't want to know if she was being unreasonable at all, she just wanted people to agree with her.

There is no response to the many people who have asked if the boys' father makes any payments to them. Would people feel different if that was answered? If he is a deadbeat dad, would people still expect the OPs husband to shell out for them? Or would it be pointed out that he, the actual father, ought to?

The only sensible answer on here

This and also you're lucky the joint account is paying them the same in respect of the things you mention given he earns a lot more such that he's effectively subbing you for a child that isn't his.

Perfectly stated.

If anything, it’s the daughter who should be a bit miffed. Up until 2 years ago, 100% of her father’s cash was spent on the two of them. Now, a fair chunk is being spent supporting his girlfriend and her 2 children.

It’s also very generous that the agreement should things not work out and the house is sold is a 50/50 split of profits given he put up more deposit. The norm would be a split of profit in the same proportion as the split of deposit.

But why should she be given anything when she works?

Why should your kid be given anything when he DOESN’T work??

Not the stepfather’s problem, or something he’s required to compensate for. OP was and is the one responsible for considering the impact on her children, knowing that her new husband wouldn’t be treating them as his own children. He’s being generous enough as the majority contributor to the joint account, as well as the home they live in and the associated bills.

They agreed what would be funded from the joint account, not his private one. It’s not OP’s business if he chooses to spend his personal money on his daughter, and she’s not owed information about that. She doesn’t need to know what he’s doing in order to make independent decisions for her children.

Not really my arena but don’t you need to look quite posh and dressy for that sort of role in a private bank?

But nowhere does it say they agreed that would be the ONLY thing they covered for their children. I can’t see anywhere they agreed they wouldn’t spend anything else on their own children.

Thats what they would be covered from the joint account. The joint account that he pays more into.

If the son’s loan was negatively impacted, that’s more than made up for since his step father pays 70% of all the things the Op listed. Op only covers 30% of the cost of these things they agreed to pay for.

Yes, but agree they did. If he didn’t want to agree / knew he was going to give his daughter his credit card he probably should have given her the heads up - if only for her to consider if she was able to give her son more.

Also the son’s student loan was probably negatively impacted by the household income coming from his stepfather.

Can’t say I’ve given it much thought, but no I don’t think so - I feel these children should be treated equally as they’re living in the same home as a blended family. If the DSs were living elsewhere I wouldn’t really see the issue as the difference wouldn’t be as apparent.

Do you also believe a step parent's income should be considered for CMS purposes?

Wrong. They agreed what to cover for the kids from the JOINT ACCOUNT.

Yes. Whether he's spoiling her a little because he's uprooted her life, the money is part of an inheritance from her mother, or this is the standard of living they've always had and can continue to afford, it's really none of your business because it's his personal money.

She has the only other bedroom with an en-suite - is the other option that one of your sons would get the en-suite and she would share a toilet with the other son? In that case, if I were her father, I'd also insist that she have her own.

If she is going into private banking and your son is going into history (academia?) then you should start getting used to her always having more money than him.

I understand wanting to give your sons everything that your SD has, but you have combined families when the teens are almost adults and have built this life where finances are separate, so you're just going to need to let go of any resentment.

No, she said she uses the credit card for the points then makes a transfer from her account, but sometimes he tells her not to. So yes, she has demonstrated willingness and ability to reimburse him.

OP hasn’t said that she’s spending beyond her means, or is in any financial difficulty. What OP has said, that she’s doing a degree and working to build an excellent career alongside that, doesn’t suggest a woman in trouble. So while, yes, it could go wrong (and the same can be said for anyone from any socioeconomic background), the risk of that seems pretty low.

I also had access to a parental credit cards at that age, and I’ve never been in financial difficulty. Quite the opposite, actually. Much like I’m inclined to believe this girl will do, I built on those foundations provided for me. I know many other trust funds kids that have done the same, and ime they outnumber by far those that fit the tired trope of spoiled rich kid pissing it all away.

They did agree, but given they have largely separate finances OP really shouldn’t have been attempting to have a say over what he spends his money on. Op says she found out - does that mean he told her? If so, he gave her what she was owed.

They can still both walk away now. That has no bearing on the fact that she knew she was moving in with and marrying a man that wasn’t going to consider her sons his children, or treat them as if they were. That’s on her.

It's his DD, starting out in her working life, when appearance means gaining confidence at work in a bank and doing well at work.

And, she has lost her DM.

Cut them both some slack, I'd say.

I don’t recall the OP even mentioning her DCs father, so I’m not making any assumptions either way on that one.

She did say her DH said DSD had OFFERED to pay it herself but he had declined, so we have no way of knowing if she would pay it off in full every month or not, very much depends on how much she’s spending against her income. Just because she’s working in finance means nothing - I know several people who in their line of work advise clients on their finances but their own are a complete mess. My own included from the ages 18 - 25.

OP actually says that they agreed before the two went off to uni what they would be paying for and then she found out her husband has been giving his daughter WAY more behind her back.
He can obviously give his daughter whatever he likes however it’s a bit shit to agree to something with your wife and then go behind her back to do something else.

This is something that should have been fairly predictable and have been discussed in full before they married / moved in together to give either of them the opportunity to walk away.

Only if he explicitly leaves it to her, or she’d get a majority share should there be no will. I do not doubt that a man as financially literate as he is, has a will though, and he’s apparently not willing to fund her beyond housing costs and a set amount he puts in the joint account, which suggest the former is also unlikely.

I also strongly that suspect that at the very least there was either an prenup signed, and/or trust funds established before he remarried.

Yeah, she's the only one who agrees with op, and keeps obsessively posting. Op btw I'm still waiting to hear more about your friendship with the dh before the wife died.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - how families and finances operate is entirely up to the individuals involved. The ‘children’ are the responsibility of their respective parents, and if that’s something OP doesn’t like she had and has the option to not continue the relationship. She can’t however demand that her DH change to suit her, because he won’t. She gets to choose between accepting it, or leaving with what she came in with.

This is the girl’s ’real life’. It’s a different reality to that of OP and her sons, but it’s no less real, and her lifestyle reflects her means and those of her father.

A teenager having unlimited access to credit is also not crazy if they’re also taught responsibility and budgeting, and instilled with the willingness to put the work in order to provide the same lifestyle for themselves. Clearly this girl hasn’t gone crazy on dad’s credit card, and has no problem reimbursing him for what she’s spent. She’s also working in wealth management alongside doing a finance degree - I don’t think you need to worry about her having budgeting problems in future, she seems pretty set up for success.

Green with jealousy is what I get from every post @Asofcati.
IF indeed your dh is a dermatologist he will be well captured into the beauty luxury trap which goes with designer and outward appearing extravagance.
You could try being proud of her degree apprenticeship route.

But they'd get presents from their father whilst she won't as her mother is dead.

Are people completely ignoring the fact these boys have another parent who is quite capable of buying them gifts whilst all this girl has is her Dad.

So at Christmas when they go off to their Dad's and get double the presents she just gets reminded that her mother is dead and she's stuck with a gold digging step mother who resents her existence

Treated the same is perfectly well and good when you both earn within a few grand of each other.

Otherwise your expecting a new step parent to fully finance a full upgraded life style.

I think the daughter will be perfectly fine financially. She’s working in finance, if she ever does use her dad’s card she pays it off in full. Seems she has her head screwed on.

Unlike the op. She moved in with a much richer man who’s footing 70% of the bills and the bigger share of the nice new bigger house. Op and her children are already being nicely subsidised.

Any type of step family issue is purely because the op went into this purely with her begging bowl out thinking what she might be able to get out of him rather than thinking like a grown up that there will obviously be differences because only a bloody idiot would think someone would take on late teenagers and suddenly finance every penny of their lives.

Now she’s mad sad disappointed and jealous that 70% isn’t enough because her children don’t get dropped on them as gifts what the daughter does. Gifts the value wise she will of grown up getting. So she wants her begging bowl filled for her children or her step daughter made Cinderella to make things fair.

The husband (still hoping op just wrote that and he wasn’t stupid) has already offered much to the ops NO! To stop paying for anything for the children out of the joint account and they all pay privately personally. But then op would be paying her own sons phone and gym bills 🤣