To wonder how people have further children

Looking at those around me, I think very often they had already had dc2 by the time dc1 was diagnosed

Of course that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have had more children anyway, had they known

Is your eldest classified as a young carer? I believe there are a lot of organisations that help out with things like days out and experiences eg theme parks that they just might not be able to do otherwise.

editing - sorry I meant is youngest a young carer!

is genetics an option? My DC1 (severe ASD) has an underlying genetic disorder which isn't inherited. We found out after asking for microarray testing. No ASD in the family. Felt 'safe' to go for DC2 the condition isn't inherited but low and behold DC2 also have a diagnosis of ASD. I am not going to lie. Life is very hard. I work every minute I can when the DC are in school. When they are at home, they both need so much attention. I don't have family, get very little in respite care. I am socially totally isolated as I cannot see friends. Money is tight as I can only work reduced hours. My marriage has crumbled under the stress of raising two high needs DC. Both are teens but need 24/7 support and cannot be left alone at all. Neither at home nor outside the house. I love my children more than anything but I am going to be honest, our quality of life is pretty shit. Everything is a struggle and a battle.

Nothing on life is guaranteed. If you have a DC with ASD, the chances for another child are higher. My local parent support group is full of families with more than one disabled child. Unless you are prepared to have another DC with SN, don't! I think it really is that simple.

Honestly, I’m sure I’ll be judged for this, but if I’d have known how it would end up I’d have stopped at 1.

Child 1 learning disability, ASD and ADHD.

Had child 2 when he was at school, in a good routine and thought we would be ok and we are in the sense that we manage.

BUT! Child 2 is NT and misses out on so much! Friends can’t come over as child 1 doesn’t cope. Can’t go on most days out as child 1 doesn’t cope. She spends so much of her time missing out, trying to avoid her brothers latest meltdown or resenting him for the massive impact he has on her life.

It’s awful to say this as a parent but it is absolutely not possible to fully meet both their needs. They are fed, clean and cared for etc. but it’s all the other things, experiencing a theme park, a holiday, a birthday party. All the kids that most kids experience and my daughter can’t because of her brother.

And before anyone ignorant to SEN needs says take my daughter out without my son. How many volunteers do you think I get to care for a 6 foot man with the emotional development of the typical toddler?

Your feelings are normal 265iceCream. It can be very lonely and overwhelming when you have a new baby and no family support. Hang on in there, things will get better

We didn’t know for ‘sure’ with ds until I was pregnant. Yep life was so hard but we assumed it would get easier. Also broodiness is not logical. I still want another. And actually, my second is much easier and a best friend to our first so no regrets!

The main thing is we still desperately wanted another.

Honestly, first baby was hard work (though lovely). Second baby I thought 'oh - this is why people talk about having babies being a nice experience'

Some babies just feed, sleep, smile, coo. Others - less so! You take your chances when you conceive.

Dc1 is lovely but just a slightly more demanding and particular person. She's 7 now and same personality as when she was a baby basically.

You've got a lot on with your child's special needs op, only you can say if you want to give it another throw of the dice.

I know a few people with dc with disabilities or sen. Most either didn't really know how severe needs would be or waited until they were able to cope before having another.

No. 1 - had no idea dc 1 was going to be diagnosed with autism. It only really became noticeable/difficult when about 6 yo.

No.2 - dc1 had some developmental delays & birth related damage. Pregnant with no 2 when eldest was only 18m and it wasn't apparent how severely disabled they were.

No. 3 - knew dc1 had multiple disabilities. Had dc2 when dc1 school age & i think they were in a bit of a a routine, felt they could cope etc.

No. 4 - eldest 2 dc no disabilities. 3rd DC came along, autism/adhd.

@265IceCream Be kind to yourself, it is early days and you are right in the midst of finding your way. If you are feeling totally overwhelmed please speak to your HV or GP.

OP - I had a newborn in my arms when they first mentioned autism. You just have to dig in.

Don't know. I have a 9 week old. I'm not cut out for this. I wanted 2 children so much as I'm an only child and there's no extended family for me or DH.

I cry about it most days, as I don't think I could ever cope with a newborn again.

I think it’s a very sensible thing to think about, that many don’t. In my line of work, I see many families struggling with children with varying additional needs.

Personally in your position I'd stop at one. You've got an awful lot on your plate and another child, NT or ND, is going to make your life way harder. It sounds like you're a great mum but it will likely be easier on both of you to stop at one.

Honestly? We just did it and hoped for the best. First child diagnosed with ASD. Second pregnancy turned out to be twins and they are neurotypical. We just decided to roll the dice. But we are well off financially and I could have stayed home if needed

YANBU. Most people don’t stop and think about it tbh and most of the burnt out families you see are the ones trying to manage varying needs (even if no SEN) of multiple children. There’s no harm in just having one if you feel it best. I suppose you have to just weigh everything up and consider how you would manage if a second also had additional needs, perhaps needing even more of your time