To wonder how people have further children

It is so hard OP. From all of the thoughtful and honest replies, it is clear that it really is impossible to know what life will bring.
My DH (55) and I (35) have a little girl who is nearly two and an absolute joy but parenting is hard work and our resources (time, money, space) are not limitless. I would love to have another baby and to give my DD a sibling, but I don't want to roll the dice again. I feel so blessed and so lucky and I don't want to risk what we have and most importantly, I don't want to risk the childhood my DD could have.
That is just me personally. There is no right or wrong. I hope that whatever you choose you find happiness, OP.

A relative had a second after an asd first child. They certainly had no regrets. Both worked full time, almost no family support as they lived far away. I'm sure it was challenging but they coped fine.

My DS (4) was recently diagnosed with autism. It's always been hard, and all we've ever known. All of our friends who had a baby the same time our DS was born have gone on to have another 1. Everyone except us. Because I can't face it. I know we wouldn't cope. We barely cope now. Thankfully we are overseas with access to support. DS is verbal, toilet trained and in mainstream school for now but he only started in September. Financially we can't risk having a second because we don't know if DS will at some point need additional support in school and here they double the fees. Our main problem is that DS can be very aggressive towards us and I don't think I could cope with pregnancy and physically trying to manage him. He is very rigid/inflexible in his behaviour. Today for example I went out with my parents for Sunday Lunch and ended up eating on my own outside with son because he could not cope with being inside. He has some sensory issues also. I think he will struggle socially and I find as he gets older the more obvious it becomes that he's different to his peers. I feel really sad about not having more kids but that's life. I try to reframe it and I think how lucky I am to have my son. But I find it hard being around friends with NT kids because it highlights how different my son is. Even the simplest tasks - leaving the house, getting dressed, eating, washing, feel impossible for us.

Don't cry - there are many worse things than being an only child. Lots of us survive perfectly happily (speaking as an only child myself, with an only daughter and hardly any extended family). If you are crying every day at 9 weeks into motherhood you must mention it to your health visitor or GP. You may have post partum depression which is colouring your view of life right now, but it is treatable. There is no hurry at all to make any decisions about future children at the moment - wait until you feel better, and meantime give your energy to your little baby.

I had a challenging time with dd1 and was never sure I'd feel ready for another. She's not autistic but does have some ADHD tendencies and can be hard to deal with. Anyway got pregnant with dd2 without really trying and along she came. Much easier baby, fitted in and now she's a lovely 7 year old. The 2 of them together are good for each other and as much as they bicker they wouldn't be without each other even with a 4yr gap.

I'm so sorry. One of the DC referenced regressed at 3 which was very hard. At 8 that is purely traumatic.

Even then nothing is guaranteed. My DSS was 8 and he suffered a huge regression which nobody can explain.

I have 19m old twins who have developmental delay, cause currently unknown and therefore severity unknown.
They have a huge gross motor delay, have no words yet and their understanding is limited.
I suspect at a minimum they have something like cerebral palsy, we are on the list for mris to find out more.

I wouldn’t choose to have another until I know what’s going on more clearly with them, life is hard enough and they need a lot of time and support as it is, I personally don’t feel I’d be able to offer enough to another.

It’s maybe a little different with twins, as I already have two. Maybe if it was one child I’d feel able to deal with another, it’s hard to say! I think it’s quite a personal thing, you need to know your own limits.

My boys are the happiest little things, they bring me so much joy. I’d love a third if I ever feel able.

In the family we have parents with two severely autistic children. Both completely opposing needs (sensory seeking/sensory avoidant). They were aware something wasn't 'right' with dc1 when they had dc2. Both now nonverbal and not toilet trained and teenagers. Very very hard life.
My advice if you want to have a 2nd is wait until you've got more of a sense of DC1s needs.

Some (lots of my friends actually) have children so close together they weren't fully aware of first child's SEN until they were already pregnant again. Most of those families (including my own) stopped at 2 even if they would have really liked 3rd.

I think the honest answer is you don’t know how your ND child will turn out and hope for the best. You don’t have a crystal ball.

My DSShas quite complex SN but he wasn’t all that challenging to care for when he was young and seemed to be developing well.

So we considered it at length and had more kids thinking it would be fine and he’d love his sibling’s and benefit from them. Only after our children were born did we find his needs and challenges took a different trajectory and it’s been much harder than we could have ever imagined. We have to keep them separate probably 90% of the time and unfortunately he does and will hurt them (and adults) given the opportunity.

But lots of people get along fine because their kids have different needs.

Had I known then what I know now I would have stuck with one DC. Very sensible poster here. I am sorry also for everyone else in the SEN battle in family life. Its tough, it really is🤗

It's a major reason we're only having one child. We're fortunate that - as far as we currently know - our DS is neurotypical and doesn't have any other health needs. But parenting just him is challenging enough at times. We were prepared for and able to cope with our first child if they'd had additional needs as we just wouldn't have had another. But rolling the dice again and risking our next child having life impacting additional needs is just a gamble I don't consider worth it. I would never forgive myself if we upended DS's life and my ability to be a good parent.

I work with families facing disabilities, mental health concerns and neurodiversity and I just can't imagine dealing with those things myself.

Stick to one. Honestly. I have four DC, three have additional needs out of four. Don't risk it.

I’m sorry to hear that. I know, I work in a school and Sen provision makes my blood boil. It’s desperately unfair.

DC was diagnosed autistic as a toddler. We decided no more as 1. Risk of another autistic child with differing needs and 2. The impact of a second child on our resources for existing autistic DC (time, energy, attention, finances)

OP how does your partner / husband feel about it? It would make the world of difference if he is hands on or on board for another

DC1 has ASD which gradually become more apparent the older they have gotten
DC2 came along suprisingly, straight after DC1 before we knew of any SEN.

we waited until DC1 started school and we were managing well/ happy and all needs were met well so we went for DC3. Halfway through my pregnancy DC2 was diagnosed with medical issues and then recently a physical issue. Shortly after DC3 arrived, DC1 moved up a phase in school and things snowballed for them and they are really struggling. We manage and they are all well cared for, but we know we are often judged for having multiple children who have now been diagnosed with different things.

it’s challenging but DC3 is hugely loved by siblings and we have no regrets.

In your position i’d seriously consider stopping at one. My friends DD age 6 is autistic, non verbal, still not toilet trained and life is extremely hard for her. She’s a sole parent with no outside help, apart from the childminder who charges a fortune. I feel for her and she will often tell me (and I can hear from long phone calls) just how tough it is, especially battling for diagnosis, the correct ongoing support her. So knowing what I know from how hard it is for my friend, i’d stop with the one

I was naive, DS1 was young so we had no idea how hard it would actually be (I blame the 'ASD is a superpower' brigade for lying to us all) and I fell pregnant incredibly quickly.

I actually have 4DC, 2 of whom (1 and 3) have ASD. The other two are NT. I'm not risking a 5th.

I have two NT (as far as I know) children, and the main reason for not having a third is the increasing risk as we get older of autism or other conditions that would require us to spread ourselves too thin regarding attention and energy for the other two.

@Aliciainwunderland Yes she is but most of the young carer groups near me didn’t survive the Tory’s. So now she has the government statutory provision of the absolute minimum they can legally get away with. Which is a phone call every 6 months to see if there’s anything she needs and when I list the things she needs they send me somewhere else for them to tell me the service no longer has the funding.

It’s truly disgusting how disabled families have been treated the last couple of years. Almost all services gone, social care budgets cut so no more respite, make it harder and harder to get DLA etc. so the already frazzled parents just don’t have it in them to file yet another appeal. Every time I see in the news a parent taking their own life and the life of their SEN child / adult I know exactly why. If I didn’t have a partner to share the load and work to give me something else to focus on I’d have lost the plot many years ago.

I felt exactly the same as you! It so so tough and those first three months are the worst. It does get easier and you do forget… I must have forgotten most of it because I’m now pregnant with my second. Getting through the other side and knowing it doesn’t last forever makes a huge difference when deciding on a second!

Both my children are NT but I just know in my gut that I couldn't cope with a third child. I love babies and I do feel a bit sad about it but I just know a third would ruin me and have a negative impact on the two i already have, so I'm done. I think its sensible to try and be as pragmatic as possible about it in any circumstances

My kids are close together so I didn’t know our eldest was autistic when I had their sibling. That said, their sibling is the absolute best with them and are so understanding. I was scared to have a third (and didnt) because I didn’t think personally I had the emotional resources to parent well more than one autistic child (no reflection on those that do and do it so well, this is purely my situation).