To wonder how people have further children

I always wanted two DC, after a difficult pregnancy and birth I decided against doing it again, sort of changed my mind but then medical stuff happened that meant I was advised against it until it was resolved.

I do feel sad sometimes, but also relieved as having another child in the mix with DS would be so difficult. DS was diagnosed with ASD last year, though we already knew for a year at that point, and I'd been raising concerns with the school about how he was doing socially since reception. I don't think DS would manage well with a sibling and I don't think the amount of time and attention we have to give DS would be fair either - and that's without the violent meltdowns which I wouldn't want any other child to be involved in.

The question I asked myself before trying for #2:
Is having another child in the best interests of my existing DC?

Didn't got for #3 despite my own desires, because the answer was no.

I have 4 children and had the younger 3 close together and before my eldest was diagnosed. Like a pp all my concerns about him were initially brushed off by his school and even by my husband.

I eventually had him assessed privately and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He masks very well at school but our home life can be like a warzone. He is extremely difficult to manage, disrespectful etc. He used to have violent outbursts but this has calmed down as he's aged thankfully.

I don't regret having my younger children but I'm very lucky they don't also have additional needs. I would really struggle with more then one ND child. It really is a roll of the dice and not a risk a lot of people would take.

There are 2 years between my DC. I knew DD1 was a high needs baby but did not know she was autistic. DD2 is NT and was a very easy going baby.

I can't now imagine life without DD2. Would she choose to be born knowing what she knows now? I hope so.

It is really hard though. We had planned to have 3 DC but I knew I would not cope whether the third was NT or not.

We didn’t know before getting pregnant again. Had I of known, I wouldn’t have had any more

I have 4 children. It took over 5 years for my oldest daughter to be diagnosed with autism from referral which I had to fight for as she masks. Earlier issues with her and her brother we're put down to them being twins by the health visitor. I kept getting told having twins was hard and people talk about their kids having meltdowns so I assumed what I was dealing with was normal and it was always like this. ( I'm also neurodivergent ). By the point of diagnosis they were all born. I ended up going private for the others as ds1 had been on a waiting list for 3 years and had not even screened.
All 4 are high functioning autistic, and the youngest is probably ADHD as well ( on a waiting list for a diagnosis on the nhs - been 3 years now ).
I love them all to pieces but it is hard. Their dad ( who is also likely autistic) isn't involved at all and support is minimal. They are all in mainstream school and mask at school - which means I get the meltdowns at home. They can last hours and one having one can trigger the others. All are high functioning but struggle with emotional regulation. All are different - my two boys more typical autistic, tho the youngest has no social anxiety. He's a runner and needs a wrist strap on to go out. Theo others are more anxious.
The older two are reaching teenage years and it's getting harder as they have the mood swings and teenage angst as well as the autistic dysregulation. My youngest has led to me being in hospital by damaging my jaw during a meltdown..I have broken doors and furniture caused by their meltdowns. I worry that someone is going to end up very hurt, despite my mantras since they were little of no hitting, no kicking, no biting, no hurting people including yourself.
I love my kids very much but it is hard. We do not have a normal life and outside work and them I have nothing for me. I am off work at the moment with cancer having had chemo and immunotherapy and have surgery to come. They are not coping well with that and especially my older son seems to blame me for being ill.
I would say if you don't think you could deal with a second also having asd and don't really want another don't do it. And certainly in my family while all are autistic it is more obvious in the boys and their ability to mask is less.
I don't think I would change things with mine , I really wanted them ( they are actually IVF babies ) but it is hard work.
Hugs to everyone

Ds1 has adhd and pda. Extremely difficult to parent as a child up to age about 14 when he started to settle down a bit. Went to university and is now working and coping well. Still has struggles, but is managing them. Travels and has friends. Gets very good reports at work. Earning well and lives in shared accomodation in London.

We decided to have another when ds1 was five. He has autism (Asperger's) and was very badly bullied at school. Had to withdraw him in year 7 and homeschool. Big struggles with anxiety and making friends. Currently at university in the local city so we can support him. He doesn't tell us a great deal, but we think he's coping. He's a very complex person and I don't really feel that I know him any longer. He doesn't appear to enjoy his life and has been suicidal in the past. It's a constant worry, but he has to be given a chance at university. Don't know what sort of job he'll be able to do in the future even though he's very intelligent. Has ehlers danlos and gets very tired as well.

I feel constantly guilty for having ds2 as he just seems to find life an intolerable struggle and I fear it won't end well. I just hope he finds his way after university.

I did accidentally become pregnant with a third at age 40 but thankfully the pregnancy didn't progress as I'd never have coped. My health is poor now. The worry and stress of the kids will likely finish me off early. I have autism and adhd too, so not great.

Would your DC be diagnosed as special needs 30 years ago? Or just difficult/ eccentric child.

Might your specialist preschool help sufficiently that your dd behaves more within normal range as she grows?

If it was me I would be tempted to have two more so I have experience of normal family life eg DC having friends, getting married, grandchildren

Yes further DC might have difficulties but they could have issues anyway today in UK eg families struggling for food, parent being deported, being evicted and moving far from school etc etc

I think in China parents were sometimes given exemption from one child policy if first had severe special needs

Personally I think this is a big part of the issue. 💐

I will say for balance, that after the first 5 years being hell on earth (triggering MH issues for me) it has got easier. But family time can still be quite lonely because we spend our free time apart. My children can become quite resentful of the attention that DSS gets. But because they are now older, they need less hands on support and understand they need to stay away from DSS when he’s displaying challenging behaviour.

When this all started to unfold, when DS1 was around 2-3ish my DH was convinced our joint children would learn to display huge amounts of empathy and forgive all the challenges DSS presents like he does. I always thought he was unrealistic as that’s an adult level of compassion he has - not a child’s. They don’t and it’s quite sad because our children openly get upset about DSS - my eldest says “he hurts me and breaks my toys so I don’t want him here” which to be fair, is pretty accurate. Whether or not it’s DSS’ fault.

Our children are lucky really, DSS gets alot of respite support so they do spend time apart. I’m amazed at the provision he receives vs other children - but it did have to reach crisis. Including hospitalising two siblings (not at the same time).

I just wanted to say that it’s very very hard but it does get easier and I’m sure when my children are even older it will get easier again.

My DH was the same for many years.

Our eldest DC is ASD, 11 and absolutely thriving at high school. We know that we are very lucky with him - he is mainstream educated, genius level intelligent and in the school play (youngest child they've ever had in the main cast). He's amazing at coping and regulating himself - NOW. It wasn't always the case!!
We had DC2 before we knew DC1 was ASD - there is only just 2 years between them. The years between 2-8 were pretty horrific at times with 6 hour meltdowns, violence, DC2 being terrified of all the shouting and deregulated behaviour etc. DC2 is NT.
We eventually got DC1 diagnosis when he was 9 and had to go private. School were rubbish with SEN and told us that he couldn't possibly be ASD because of how intelligent he is, how sociable etc. it was total cr*p - he scored high on the tests and has social/emotional difficulties. School tried to suggest he was badly behaved and made us feel like bad parents!
Now for the positives.
DC2 is the most caring, loving and amazing child with other kids. He is full of mischief and sass - and wonderful at school. One of his best friends is ASD and he is amazing with him. DC1 & DC2 are the best of friends (and the worst of enemies - brothers!!) and a joy to be around.
I decided not to have another child (at the time) because of how hard pregnancy was on me and the risks of another ASD child, especially with different presentation. We have just adopted our 3rd DC and my boys are absolutely amazing with her - she has no indications of ASD or anything else, but there is a lot of uncertainty with her. We feel able to cope with anything now after DC1 - he is a source of endless pride and love for us. We always wanted a DD but decided to do it a different way.
Big hugs OP's with ASD children - it is really hard but there are some good stories out there xxxxx

Stick to 1 or at least wait until dc is in school. It won't get easier for her just different and the transitions/moving up a stage can be positively brutal. Once you've had an ASD child your chances of another are increased. Could you cope with a profoundly affected child and your DD? If the answer is no I wouldn't do it.

This really depends on the type and severity of the autism. The generalising of the diagnosis these days can be misleading as experiences can be wildly different. Ds1 was very difficult particularly as a toddler and age 3 or 4 was still really intense but becoming manageable. He was 5 before I had another, which was a twin pregnancy. Ds1 was starting mainstream school and needed very little support, our biggest issue was managing behaviour and discipline at home, the kind of issues that are not obvious when out and about most of the time. One of the twins also has autism, diagnosed Aspergers and was a gorgeous little baby and toddler. His needs were much more emotional. Both are very high functioning and we have a much more difficult time than NT families, but nothing as difficult as many SEN families. The ND adds a layer of complications and stress but doesn't really impinge on what we do day or day or in terms of going on holidays or getting sitters etc.

When my eldest child was diagnosed with sen, I'd already had the next two. So I had no idea then it was genetic. I don't know any different. It's been hard but we have also had some wonderful times

OP my husband is similar. He’s a very hands on dad, but he can’t accept there’s anything wrong with our twins despite really obvious signs ( 19m and can’t get themselves to sitting etc) he just thinks they’ll ’catch up’ because there’s no solid diagnosis yet.

Some people struggle, he will accept in the end, and if he’s a hands on dad he will rise to the challenge.

it’s hard work, good luck ❤️

Only you know if you can take on another child.

My eldest is neurotypical and a complete breeze compared to my younger two. My third wasn't planned and there's only 13 months between my second and third. If I'd had either of those two first, I wouldn't have had any more.

The younger two have a different dad to my eldest and it can be genetic. If I'd had enough time to discover how difficult my second would be, not a chance would I have had a third because I'd have known that the risk was higher.

I've had many tough years with them but the younger two are so close that they lean on each other and it's beautiful. I'm also coming out of the worst of it with them but I wouldn't recommend this path to anyone. Nothing is normal. I have spent many days battling with the council, teachers, calling drs, never-ending assessments and waiting lists, home-educating at times...I could go on. I'm completely frazzled and however much I do, at the end of it, I still feel like I've not done enough for them and I've let them down.

I feel guilt towards my eldest as my attention is always being demanded from them. He also struggles to cope with their behaviours.
However, there is a lot of love in here and I couldn't wish for better kids. It's just hard.

If I were you, stick at one so that you can give her all that she needs because it's going to be a lot.

My sister has a child with autism, severe enough (if that the right word) that she goes to a special school and will never live independently. She wasn't with the father when the child was born and he has no contact with them now, but I don't think she'd have had another. She has a friend with two boys at the school - very very difficult for the family.
It's a gamble, and I think if you decide she's the one then you can devote more time. Even if you had an NT child next your time will be divided.

Sounds very similar to mine and he still isn’t doing full days at school. I find it so hard seeing NT families but it’s also why I wanted a second.

Does it not feel worth it still? How come
you had 4?

I had no choice it was twins! I’m not sure I would have gone for number 2 otherwise, even though that was the plan, unless 1 newborn baby is really 100 times easier than 2!

I personally would not be brave enough to have another with one neurodiverse child I admire those that do but I know I wouldn't cope and the thought of it sends me into sheer panic and isn't fair on anyone . I think every situation is different and we can all cope with different thing different levels etc
I just could not take the chance

DS was diagnosed autistic at age 3 and that is the reason I stopped at one. His AN already take everything I’ve got.