To wonder how people have further children

I feel my experience is relevant and might help so I'll share honestly.

I always suspected I was autistic on and off from my twenties and also my mum. These days I feel it's more like adhd, but I've never had an assessment.

Faat forward to having dd1. She was a high need baby, never stopped crying, but then turned into a very quiet, albeit sensitive, baby at about 6 months.

I knew from day 1 she was different. She was completely delightful, but super intelligent and verbally advanced, whilst missing all her physical milestones like crawling, walking, jumping etc, as well as being very averse to change and very shy.

I decided to have another, because I worried that she would be a lonely child and have no friends (tbh a bit like I would have been at times without my siblings).

It wasn't just that obviously, I had always thought we would have more, but I knew that I was stretched, even by one.

Anyway, it worked out brilliantly. I had another dd and the age gap is 2 2/3 years. It was very, very tough when they were both tiny. But once they could play together, they bonded so closely together and we're inseparable.

There were issues between them at times. But generally they have both been gifts in each other's lives. Dd1 has literally just got a diagnosis of autism aged 21. I tried so many times in childhood but each time was fobbed off, delayed, obfuscated, screened out. In the end, dd1 decided she'd had enough of being messed about.

All in all, I'm eternally grateful for my two daughters.

I wanted to stop at one as my older one has ASD and was a nightmare when he was little.
DH wanted another and actually, so pleased we had dd, who was completely different, great communicator. Unlike her brother, I never knew what he wanted and he just screamed. Constantly, it felt like. I went back to work full time because I couldn't cope and dh had started his own business so was more flexible with schooltimes etc anyway.
But then, as DD learned to talk, DS saw her asking for things and getting them - and copied her. I don't think he would have learned to talk properly without her.
They've always been friends, actually, never fought. DS does depend a lot on DD tho, he asks her things before he comes to us.
DH had the snip after that - he did say he would but he was the one who really wanted another.
So we were especially lucky with our second one, feel so blessed, but you can never tell.
I really don't know how people cope if they have two with disabilities and I am constantly in awe of how single parents manage,even if the dc are not disabled.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

"Luckily" I knew when I was pregnant with DC1 that he was going to have some physical disabilities. I thought we were coping OK until he was around 2ish and I was starting to think possibly about another.

Then DS became very ill and we spent most of a year in hospital. His condition is still vaguely diagnosed but not fully pinned down. After seeing him so ill and realising that we don't know if its genetic or a fluke killed all my plans for no 2/3.

Now DS copes but can still become ill very quickly we know the local hospital too well, he needs a PA at school but goes to mainstream and is NT.

If we had a second child I know we couldn't have coped, even if they were born "normal", we couldn't have given them the care and attention they would have needed as DS requires so much extra care than another boy his age.

My stepson is a wonderful, but also very complex little boy. He’s 8, cognitively around 3 , though his communication is much lower. He is diagnosed ASC, ADHD, global delay and PDA.

The (lack of) sleep, behavioural issues when they happen and attachment needs he has make it absolutely impossible for myself and my partner to consider bringing a sibling into his life.

It would mean taking something substantial from him, and I’m honestly not convinced we’d ever have enough energy or resources for two children - we’re giving what we’ve got already. He’d hate it, and it would be completely unfair on everyone.

We’ve committed to not having any kids together and being a 1 child family, which also means me not having any of my own biological children. But honestly, the alternative is just not do-able.

For me, I had two close together.
I kept being told some babies are tricky..that she would grow out of it 😅

It gradually became worse and that was during second pregnancy. It was only after second birth they referred to investigate a possible genetic chromosone issue and that I am likely passing on issues.
(Very lucky second seems fine ) if I knew before that my children would have increased likelihood of severe disability I probably would have at looked at adoption or other routes. I wouldn't of knowingly gone through the risks of still birth or significant lifelong disability.

I hope I don't sound cruel I love my children so much, but feel guilt. I also couldn't bare losing a child so to go into pregnancy knowing that was likely I wouldn't of done it.

I do feel blessed, she's overcome a lot of hurdles, but I guess I'm sad life will be harder for her.

Yes, it’s unclear how independent our child will ever be at this stage. He’s 5 and has some kind of developmental delay and learning disability. I just hope one day he can move out, have a friend or two and possible a job. Funnily enough muscular dystrophy was one of the areas investigated for our DS but so far we’ve not found a condition or diagnosis that accounts for his needs.

DH and I are also both ND so I just think another child would be too big a stretch. We’d planned to try again when he was around 18 months but then covid hit and it went on the back burner. I kinda wish we’d got on with it then before DS’s needs emerged so we didn’t have a choice

It's early days. I feel like that. My ds will have no one in the family of his generation. Well not close anyway my cousins kid is the same age but that's it. My dh is an only child so his friends children are like cousins to ours.

My friends boy has muscular dystrophy and she doesn't think she'll ever be a grandparent as she fears he'll struggle with relationships. It's so hard on her and him.

My child is NT (didn’t have another one because we are older and the risks just go up). In my family what seemed like very mild problems for two autistic children escalated very quickly after the age of 4 for one and about 8 ish for the other. There really wasn’t any sign that when they were younger that it would get so difficult to manage. I don’t think even with a diagnosis that you can predict accurately what path a child particular condition will take. Mostly I think people have kids before they realise or when they think everything is well managed.

If it were me though I wouldn’t have a second, only because I’ve seen a child completely deteriorate at an older age and it was horrible for him and his family to go through.

It’s ok, it will get better, I cried a lot for the first year of my DD’s life and was convinced I had made a horrible mistake. She’s now my world and I wouldn’t be without her. It will get easier, be kind to yourself.

I took the title at face value, & wonder how any woman can voluntarily go through it all again - pregnancy, childbirth, and so on.

Our DS has SEN and after putting off having another we’ve kinda decided we’re probably not going to as we’re approaching 40, permanently shattered and wary of the impact of having another baby on everyone (including the baby themselves having to share the attention with a disabled older sibling. I just don’t know if we have it in us!) the part that makes my breath catch and my heart sink is the thought that it’s unlikely we’ll ever be grandparents. For some reason that’s the part that’s really upsetting me.

Please see a doctor. I think you are suffering post natal depression like I was. Take care of yourself.

It is a roll of the dice. If your first is autistic then you have a 1 in 5 chance your second will be too. I personally don't think that's high but it gets more likely the older you get, so I wouldn't put it off too long if you want a second child.

Most people just don’t think too much and hope for the best. That’s not necessarily a good trait to have when you’re deciding to bring more children into this world who more likely than not will have additional needs. However, on rare occasions things turn out just fine, a Mozart is born in the unlikeliest of circumstances, and it is these kind of stories you’ll most often hear, rare as they are.
I myself will stop at one, simply because I can’t financially afford another and motherhood has taught me that most men aren’t the best team players when it comes to the division of parental responsibility.

I stopped at one. Ds very severely disabled and with my own health issues there's no way I was going to risk another. I'm so grateful that I didn't seriously consider it even though I grieved for the nt child I never had.

3 children, one has autism and a learning disability I am knackered 😴

I would love a second, especially if they were like the first. DC is 6 and an absolute delight - gentle, loving, cooperative, no behavioural challenges. Everyone who meets him falls in love.

However, I have to be remind myself that it is very likely because he has our full time/attention/finances (which pay for the private therapies etc) that he is the way he is.

First two had no additional needs, eldest only just recently assessed by CAMHS close to mid teens at the time...

In the earlier years, I had time and patience and nothing was outstanding health wise with my eldest...so we had two more DC....third born didn't start having problems once I was pregnant with DC4....like many others on here I was already expecting by the time additional needs were starting to become apparent with one of the DC. These things happen. @Newsenmum

I thought I wanted 2 or three but I suffered a lot of complications and poor health post-birth and I decided I wasn't strong enough in any capacity to do it again. My DBs partner had 2 difficult births, and I have nothing but admiration for her. She wasn't put off after the first unlike me.

It will get better. Nine weeks is still SO new. I’d recommend speaking to your GP about postnatal depression but I really promise that you will come through this phase soon. Look after yourself.

There is a strong genetic link to autism. A lot of the families I know (not all) have realised while getting diagnoses for their children that they and/or their wider family members often are too. Also, undiagnosed parents often refuse to recognise because it was normal for them growing up. There is a strong chance that you, your partner, or both, passed the genetics down and therefore could again. Could you cope with another autistic child, particularly if their needs are greater?

I always knew that ds1 was different, but not really why. He loved preschool and we didn't have any doubts about having a second. School presented a lot more challenges, so he struggled. Ds2's needs were disguised to a certain extent by covid lockdowns, but it became increasingly clear that he has higher support needs. He also doesn't fit the criteria for education, because he is behind mainstream abilities, bit hugely ahead on his special interest, so would've fit with a special school either. Cobbling together a suitable education is a lot more effort that sending him to a school each day.

My dc are all fairly close in age (5 dc with 8 years between oldest and youngest).

Dc1 wasn't showing any symptoms when I got pregnant with dc2.

Dc1 had been assessed for autism and we were told he didn't have it, dc2 had physical disabilities that we were assured he would grow out of when I got pregnant with dc3.

We thought Dc1 was autistic but the professionals all told me he wasn't, dc2 was starting to show signs of mild sensory issues and dc3 had no symptoms when I got pregnant with dc4.

Dc5 was unplanned.

Now they are aged between 18 and 10. Dc1, Dc2, Dc3 and Dc5 have autism. Dc3 also has adhd. Dc4 has moderate learning disabilities, dyspraxia and hearing loss.

Honestly I would be so scared about who will look after that child when mum gets old or dies. Must be a hell of a worry.

My godson is nonverbal with an ASD diagnosis. His parents had another child when he was 9. At that point, he was settled in school and well supported. Home life was consistent. Most importantly, they'd been on the same page about their son and navigated all the difficulties as a team. They're not rich but have stable jobs and were managing childcare around said jobs.

They had another baby. My godson has adapted just fine. There has been a few hiccups like there is with all siblings but it hasn't been like it could have been. Toddler is 1.5yrs now. They muck along fine and have a nice attachment to each other.