To wonder how people have further children

Not quite the same but friends had a baby with a heart defect. He was going to need lots of attention growing up. They decided not too have any more children because they wouldn't be able to give the subsequent child as much attention as they should.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Thanks.

Not good, I’m afraid. She cannot control her emotions at all and actually has been violent towards me quite recently. To be honest, I find it terrifying as she’s bigger than me but I know the presentation can be quite different from one person to another so it doesn’t follow that your, daughter will be the same.

Can I ask how your daughter is now? My 3 year old daughter is ASD (and almost certainly ADHD too, but they won't diagnose until she's in school). I'd like to know if there's some light at the end of the tunnel.

This is such a tough one to answer. My first DD has ASD & ADHD that is now almost 30 and so when she was a child it wasn’t really as well known about and so she has only recently been diagnosed in the last few years and as it turns out I have too! I found her childhood extremely difficult! I really didn’t know which way to turn however having separated from her father and met somebody else I did go and have another child who is NT but there was a huge 12 year age gap. I really don’t think I would have been able to cope with two children of similar ages if they were both ND as it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I think you’re very sensible to consider this before going to have more children . I think it very much depends on if you have any outside help and how you cope as a family unit. What does your DH think?

Yep....

I feel for you but promise it gets easier.
I was exactly the same. I had no idea what having a baby would be like and I didn't cope well. There was no internet then which was a good and bad thing. people kept telling me it would be easier in a week, or six weeks, or 3 months. All that meant was that I looked at those as deadlines and when it wasn't easier I sunk into despair. I didn't get any help.
It did finally get easier though it was probably a year before it was noticeable.
DS had severe reflux which lasted until he walked, that didn't help.
I then had another baby and second time round it was so different. The two babies were the same but I was different.

My 2nd NT child is so much more difficult to parent than our first, autistic child. First child is quiet, very well-behaved and will listen to us and tidy up after himself. Always been a fantastic sleeper. Second child won't listen, constantly on the go, hates sleeping in his own bed and is very messy (although both still very young, not yet school age).
We quite happily had our second assuming he would be just as easygoing as the first! We were so wrong, but we still wouldn't change anything. Two is enough for us though, we had always considered having three, but we very much have our hands full with 2, work and life in general.

Nine weeks is early days. It gets better and you also adjust. At this point you can concentrate on you and DC, feeding as and when needed (if breastfed, on demand keeps the milk flowing) and sleeping when DC sleeps (impossible with second btw but it matters less, then). Housework, cooking etc can take a very distant second place (I remember advice was to dust the piece of furniture people noticed, so kept my chaise longue polished - that was it). Get DP to buy ready meals on supermarket shop, or do it online, and those will be fine. Also, when you have time and are wanting to be awake do a bit of batch cooking of easy things like caseroles, so there is always something to heat up for dinner. Go out for walks with DC. If you are feeling depressed talk to GP or Health Visitor - it's not necessarily normal to feel weepy for weeks and you may need help and counselling.

Good luck and enjoy DC. The second one is much more fun as you are not worrying about dropping it on its head, feeding it the wrong stuff or all the things you worry about first time round.

Just do it. It’s common now for everyone to overthink everything. But our birthrate is falling, you don’t know that your child will be ND and also, how much joy a second ND child might also bring you. It’s all hard. Life is hard. But it has beautiful moments also. I say this as ‘only’ child and parent of 2 ND kids (not severe + no support).

Mine are spaced out, that's why it's doable.

17, 14, 9 and 7.

I wonder how anyone goes past 2 even without additional needs. I have 3 (not planned, second pregnancy was twins) and I struggle to give them all the time I would like to. One of mine does have some additional needs, and it does cause extra stress, but I still feel 3 would be tough even without my son’s needs.

I wasn’t a natural with my baby - for the first few months I didn’t feel like her mother, I felt no connection. I knew I cared for her and would not let any harm come to her but it was hard work and relentless.
She’s now a 15 year old beauty, studying for her GCSEs and I love her more than anything (well equal to her twin brother and sister!). Second time round, I found the baby stage easier - and that was with 2!
I really believe that if you do go for a second it will be much easier second time round. 9 weeks is still so little, once they get bigger I found it easier - even if they didn’t stay put anymore. I am still useless with little babies and never go for hugs with them as I just don’t feel that way about them. That’s the great thing about newborns - they grow! Wishing you all the best. x

You’re in the trenches, it changes so quickly and they need you a little less every day and you’ll get yourself back. You’ll be different in many ways but certainly will feel so much better, just hang in there and talk about it whenever you need to

As only child here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and your child would benefit from your undivided attention.

I just wanted to say you're doing so well and the tears are OK and normal. It gets so much better but I can remember the first 6 months being an absoloute car crash. I thought I was one and done until I accidently got pregnant when my first was 18 months. The sheer panic I felt was horrendous and I didn't tell anyone until I was 4 months pregnant because I wasnt OK about it. However, my littlest is now 16 months old and it honestly was a dream second time round. We learn and we know how to navigate and what to expect. Like, waking up every 30 mins? This will pass. Constant crying for apparantly no reason? You learn the reasons.

Carry on and you're doing amazingly

It's hard to know the right answer really. Think about the pros and cons. Might it be better to wait until she's in full time education at least so you have that time where it's just baby and you. Or is a smaller gap better? There's really no right answer but you just have to think what's best for your family.

I already children before one of my children had a severe regression, they are now severely disabled. I always wanted one more and we decided to go ahead, although that decision wasn't made lightly. Our youngest is NT. Financially we are stable, I am fortunate to be a SAHM, but we have had a very, VERY rough few years with very little sleep and living in total survival mode. We have very recently turned a corner and are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, but I wouldn't recommend having another child/ren if you aren't 100% prepared for another child equally or more disabled than DC1 because it is a very real possibility.

I think anyone who is considering having a child should put the life of the unborn child before the wants of the parent. My parents had me to look after my disabled older sibling when I grew up. The expectation on me was always that I was to be a carer from an early age. It was a really shitty thing to do to a child.

Family members of mine who had children with additional needs loved and focussed so much on their first and were amazing parents and they decided that they would like more children- they are still amazing with their first but also their other children. I think you just make it work, you sound like an amazing parent and the fact that's your first thought is how it will affect your DD shows you would be able to handle it. Good luck OP.

Surely it just depends on what each individual feels they can cope with and if that's one for you, that's fine. I know a fantastic (now sadly single) mother of 4 kids, no. 3 of which has a life limiting genetic condition with severe disabilities. She copes amazingly and enjoys her children.
I also know parents of single (non SEN) children who really struggle and vowed never to have another.
Basically, you do you.

I think it's fine if all your dc are ASD, and maybe also 1/both parents, as you're then all coping alright by adopting the same lifestyle. I think if your second is NT it could be harder, as the NT and ASD dc might have very different needs, e.g. one needs quiet and routine, the other needs friends over to play/birthday parties/days out. You'd either need to divide them a lot by having 1 parent with each, or the NT dc is likely to miss out on a lot, but it would still interrupt the peace and there'd likely be tensions at home. We are coping pretty well with multiple children because they all are ASD and ASD is the main modus operandi in our family. We would probably struggle more if our dc were NT as we parents would struggle with playdates and lots of social situations/activity. Our dc do online school, so no school gate drama etc. Our house is always super quiet, we all have very, very sat routines, no family holidays, so there are rarely any meltdowns at all. DC are very independent because their routines include things like homework, music practice, making dinner (they only eat very specific foods that they need to prepare their way), so there is very little for us parents to do for them, which is great as DH works abroad a lot and very long hours and I work 4 days. DS and I are a bit more adventurous (ASD plus ADHD) so we sometimes go out together/on trips, but dh and dd prefer to stay at home.

You’re not unreasonable to question if it would be too much for you. I must admit when I found out I was having a boy I had some worry about autism because it runs in the males of my family. So far no signs (I work with young children so am aware of early signs) but even if he did grow up to get a diagnosis, I would still love him as much, but of course I’m aware it would make life more difficult.
Even on the assumption he has no additional needs, and even though he is a very happy baby, I wouldn’t have another. It drives me mad when people say (including the day you give birth), “Wait till you have another” and when you point out you aren’t they say, “Oh just wait, you’ll change your mind” as though I can’t think for myself.

I’m a single mother of two my 5 year old and 3 year old and myself are autistic 😂❤️ plus I have no support from family anybody … it’s hard but wouldn’t change my kids for the world , having my second son has literally completed us couldn’t imagine our lives without him (and he’s the most difficult one 😂😂😂) good days and bad days , one day at a time ❤️❤️❤️