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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

263 replies

TheKhakiBee · 25/10/2024 18:46

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

OP posts:
Mlamla · 25/10/2024 21:48

Of course he will enter commited relationship and cohabitate even if you have 3 children - you still provide him with shelter food and all he needs. Since he's not working I presume you are his milking cow, he's living how he wants and all on your account. Kick him out the sooner the better he doesn't deserve you and moreover your daughters deserve so much more

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 25/10/2024 21:43

I voted you are BU because you're putting up with this crap! Move him and his stuff out A.S.A.P. and don't make such a silly mistake again. You're worth MUCH more than this OP, tell him so as you boot his arse out the door!

Sugarcoldturkey · 25/10/2024 21:41

TheKhakiBee · 25/10/2024 20:21

Agreed, point taken.

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Your willingness to take criticism and accept responsibility is a sign that you're way better than this man. You've made a mistake, as we all do, and now you're learning from it, as only some people do.
Wishing you all the very best, OP, take care of yourself and your girls x

pikkumyy77 · 25/10/2024 21:39

You don’t d great!! Well done you for throwing him out! Tomorrow will be a much better day and in a very short while he will be like the dim memory of an STI you caught at university. Shared with everyone, initially pleasurable, annoyingly inconvenient and eventually cured.

Usnone · 25/10/2024 21:37

TheKhakiBee · 25/10/2024 19:36

This is gonna sound absolutely ridiculous I know, but this actually isn't true. Women (both with and without kids, old and young) are throwing themselves at him. That's not what he's told me and I've blindly believed or me exaggerating. I don't really get it but I if I try and figure it out my thought process looks like this. He's in his mid/late 20s, has a great body and is very attractive, lives in the biggest house in the area and so when he took people back their I guess it gave the impression of wealth or atleast financial security. He's charming. Superficially charming i mean. Everyone who knows him as a friend or acquaintance loves him. He's masculine in his demeanour and behaviour. As crazy as this is there are atleast 3 women I know of who have his name tattooed on them - women he has never officially been in a relationship with. I actually think it's the opposite of love bombing. It's a 'give a little bit of attention and then pull back' thing and he has mastered the art of it.

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This sounds like someone I knew who was taking testosterone pills. Women were falling at his feet even though he was a compulsive liar and generally weird guy. He was also a gym bunny; I guess that's where he got the testosterone from. It was honestly like seeing women under the influence of a magic love potion from a fairy tale.

NorthernGnashers · 25/10/2024 21:16

@TheKhakiBee
Well done OP, has he been in touch this eve? Just wondered what his reaction was. No one can say you didn't try with this one, you have done the right thing for you and your girls.

Runnerinthenight · 25/10/2024 21:14

He's an immature dick! He's in love with himself!

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 25/10/2024 21:13

Glad to hear you are getting this cocklodger out of your family home. Wishing you all the best and hope the therapy gives you the confidence and boundaries you deserve which you can teach to your children x

LizzieVereker · 25/10/2024 21:10

TheSnugHare · 25/10/2024 18:47

So I think a solution to this might be to sit down together and brain storm things you both like to do and then make a monthly/weekly schedule for every week, and stress the importance of having time together

Nah. I think a solution for this might be for him to pack his bags and lodge his little cock elsewhere…

waterrat · 25/10/2024 21:06

omg please dont sit down and brainstorm. kick him out

this is abusive op

Isabellivi · 25/10/2024 21:05

Why are you letting a man use you for a place to stay and whatever else?

And you are making excuses for him not working? I am sure he has a victim story. Who knows the real story but I will give you one : he’s a parasite and probably narcissistic

He views you as so desperate for a man/relationship you will put up with whatever breadcrumbs he offers.

He can’t plan a dinner with you? He just doesn’t like you that much if he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He is just using you for a place to stay, food, sex, etc

As a man it’s a hardwired instinct to protect and provide for a woman , especially with little children. If he’s not wanting to do that he is not a normal man. Stop making excuses.

If you want a family you should get rid of this guy who is using you and find a man with children or a man who really wants his own children and is willing to be step dad.

Cuppasy · 25/10/2024 21:01

Oh my goodness OP, hard to believe this is real.
You absolutely need to get to the bottom of why you would do something so completely against your childrens best interests.

Keep this loser AWAY from your girls and home.

stealthninjamum · 25/10/2024 20:53

Well done op. You weren’t asking for anything unreasonable, you did well to dump him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 25/10/2024 20:48

Why didn't he stay living with his dad?
Well, his dad probably didn't fuck him.
Sounds like that's the only thing that's different. He lives off you just like he did his dad only now he doesn't need to make any effort to come over to yours for a shag.

Popettypop · 25/10/2024 20:47

TheKhakiBee · 25/10/2024 19:47

I'm not choosing him. He is currently at the pub. I have just messaged him that I don't want this relationship anymore and he no longer lives here. I've told him I will pack his things and he can arrange someone else to collect them as I dont want to even attempt going over it all with him again. I'm tired of explaining and trying to get him to act right.

I don't know why I have put up with it.

Perfect.

Never entertain this man again. Set your bar high as an example to your daughters.

DeepRoseFish · 25/10/2024 20:43

He’s moved into your house with your 3 children but doesn’t want to spend any time with you?!

He is using you!!!

TrixieLouBelle · 25/10/2024 20:43

He is playing you like a fiddle. You know he's out there fucking everything with a pulse, don't you. Get a STI test.

Also, I would not let this weirdo anywhere near my female children for a start. I'm getting really bad creepy vibes from your description of him.

Taishan · 25/10/2024 20:42

Good on you fof kicking him out.
Now change the locks

Justsayit123 · 25/10/2024 20:41

Don’t let him wrangle his way back in.

Viviennemary · 25/10/2024 20:41

Sounds more like a surly 14 year old than any kind of partner. This is going nowhere. Ask him to leave

BabyCloud · 25/10/2024 20:38

So glad to read your update.
I have no doubt he will latch onto someone else and do the same again in no time. You’re well rid of him.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 25/10/2024 20:38

OP, you've made the right decision and acted on it before I even got to the end of the thread!
Charming men can fool anyone for a while. When the behaviour changes, it's easy to think that the new behaviour is an aberration, and when you explain what's wrong, normal service will resume.
Sadly, the current behaviour IS his normal.
Enjoy your life without him, doesn't look like you'll be missing much.

NobodyGivesADamn · 25/10/2024 20:37

So within 2 hours of posting and asking advice

You have dumped him??

I hope for your daughters’ sake, You really have dumped his arse !!!

AcceptAllChanges · 25/10/2024 20:37

TheKhakiBee · 25/10/2024 19:51

I'm about 5 years older. I don't have any problem getting attention from men. I have very stupidly turned down some absolutely lovely men because I really wanted this one. I can't explain it as I don't understand it myself.

I do completely understand that my children deserve better than this. It is has been 4 months and I have ended the relationship tonight. My girls will be fine and whilst this will ofcourse have affected them in the short term I definitely won't make the same mistakes again. I'm going to get some therapy of my own to work through why I accepted any of this despite seeing the red flags. I guess I thought I could 'fix him'. Stupid I know.

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Well done OP, nice job! Onwards and upwards! 💗

chickenlettuceunderbacon · 25/10/2024 20:35

I can't believe you're even asking about this or that you've been together for two years. End the relationship and ask him to move out. Do it now.