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Original poster

To be concerned about DD (18)?

81 replies

namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 18:27

I promise I'm a regular poster - name changed for this. Please feel free to ask MN to verify. I need some advice as I'm worried sick.

My daughter has just turned 18 recently and I'm a bit concerned about some of her attitudes towards sex. She has just started seeing someone new (known him literally a matter of weeks, a month tops), he's the same age, she told me they'd slept together on their second date and that she hadn't used protection. She says this is fine because she's on the pill. Obviously I've explained why it's actually not fine and she needs to protect herself from more than just pregnancy. Her response was "he's only slept with 6 people so it's fine". I pointed out that obviously it's irrelevant how many he's slept with and the point is she could have been exposing herself to STIs etc. She just seems really naive about it all and unconcerned. I said she should really get herself a sexual health clinic appointment, her response was "that's embarrassing I'm not doing that". Again, I explained that there's nothing embarrassing about looking after one's sexual health.

She just seems really naive to it all and I'm worried she's taking silly risks with her sexual health (and also risking pregnancy).

I know she's an adult (only just), but ultimately she's an adult who still lives in my home without the financial means to support herself (she's studying A levels at college), and so any mistakes she makes now are going to become my problem by default, aren't they. I'd never turn my back on my 18 year old daughter if she found herself pregnant and needing support (whichever decision she made regarding a hypothetical baby), so ultimately I'll have to mop this up. I feel therefore she needs to listen to my guidance and my views on it, but then I'm acutely aware she's legally an adult making her own decisions.

Is this just how it is now? Having to step back and watch her take silly risks and just pray and hope for the best while she ignores my advice?

Please be kind. I'm brand new to parenting a young adult and I'm struggling. I want to wrap my baby girl up and protect her from these mistakes but, I can't can I?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? 😕

OP posts:
GentleFinch · 25/10/2024 20:11

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Original poster
namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 20:07

Lytlethings · 25/10/2024 20:01

Would it be possible to speak to them together. Maybe start by saying. I know you think this is embarrassing and I am interfering but you have told me that you are mature enough to be sexually intimate . Being mature is not just about preventing pregnancy. These days being aware of sexual health is more important than ever. I can’t believe that you won’t go sexual health clinic because it is embarrassing. How much more embarrassing do you think it will be If either of you have an infection. I think you, I particular,(boy) are grossly irresponsible and disrespectful of my daughter. If you really cared about her you would not be so selfish.

I'd love to be able to do this, but as a PP said, I do fear my daughter wouldn't forgive me and would die of embarrassment.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 25/10/2024 20:07

If she has no symptoms, some areas have free testing to request online and send in the post - much like in the covid days! E.g. here for Londoners:
https://www.shl.uk/

If she goes in person they usually give you as many free condoms as you can carry, in various sizes.

Birdscratch · 25/10/2024 20:07

Only 6 partners? If Mr No-Condom’s 6 partners had an average of 3 partners each before sleeping with him and those partners each had an average of 3 … And she knows he doesn’t use protection.

Chlamydia is very often asymptomatic in women. 7 out of 10 women who tested positive had no symptoms at the time of diagnosis. The longer it’s left untreated the higher the risk of infertility and ectopic pregnancy.

Iloveeverycat · 25/10/2024 20:04

Your doing well with keep talking to your daughter. She doesn't need to go to a clinic you can get sti tests in the post now.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/10/2024 20:03

Lytlethings · 25/10/2024 20:01

Would it be possible to speak to them together. Maybe start by saying. I know you think this is embarrassing and I am interfering but you have told me that you are mature enough to be sexually intimate . Being mature is not just about preventing pregnancy. These days being aware of sexual health is more important than ever. I can’t believe that you won’t go sexual health clinic because it is embarrassing. How much more embarrassing do you think it will be If either of you have an infection. I think you, I particular,(boy) are grossly irresponsible and disrespectful of my daughter. If you really cared about her you would not be so selfish.

Ha, if the OP does her daughter will be mortified and the boy will run a mile, she won't see him for dust. Of course, he's a skank who doesn't use condoms so that would probably be a good result for the OP and her DD, but it might take her DD a very long time to forgive her.

Lytlethings · 25/10/2024 20:01

Would it be possible to speak to them together. Maybe start by saying. I know you think this is embarrassing and I am interfering but you have told me that you are mature enough to be sexually intimate . Being mature is not just about preventing pregnancy. These days being aware of sexual health is more important than ever. I can’t believe that you won’t go sexual health clinic because it is embarrassing. How much more embarrassing do you think it will be If either of you have an infection. I think you, I particular,(boy) are grossly irresponsible and disrespectful of my daughter. If you really cared about her you would not be so selfish.

Jifmicroliquid · 25/10/2024 20:01

As someone who caught Herpes off my cheating ex and had the most hellish first few outbreaks (I wouldn’t wish it on anybody), she is being really, really stupid.
Get some leaflets on Herpes and put them in her room. The pain is unbearable and you feel so unwell with it.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/10/2024 20:01

Do you know if your DD would ever like to have children in the future, OP?

One of my friends had untreated chlamydia which damaged her fallopian tubes and now she can't have a baby. If she'd got herself tested after she had unprotected sex and taken some antibiotics she might have been spared all this grief.

If she gets HIV then the good news is it probably won't kill her these days, but she'll be on antiretroviral drugs for the rest of her life and have to disclose her HIV status to her future sexual partners.

If she gets herpes she'll also have to disclose that to future sexual partners and she could have a nasty outbreak at any time, including on her wedding night. She would also be at risk of infecting her baby if she ever gives birth vaginally.

Just a few examples of what could happen if she doesn't pay attention to her sexual health.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2024 19:56

The most important thing is that she’s talking to you. Keep advising her as she opens up to you but I wouldn’t go too far because she might just stop talking.

isthesolution · 25/10/2024 19:54

Personally I'd insist she was on the injection while she lives in your house. Then I'd explain about STIs, buy her some condoms and leave the ball in her court. You can't ensure she makes the right decisions, only advise her.

Original poster
namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 19:51

@GentleFinch

They come in all shapes and sizes so it's really up to the gent to select what is comfy for him. You might buy the wrong size and shape and you aren't gonna ask her for a description of it.

Well no, of course I'm not going to ask for a description. But ultimately, this lad is having sex with my daughter irresponsibly and he's half responsible for that. He's not taking the responsibility he should be, and so my primary concern is not what's "comfy for him". It's what will protect my daughter from infections and pregnancy, both of which will be her problem alone to resolve, and by default also mine.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 25/10/2024 19:51

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She can buy a range.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 25/10/2024 19:49

namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 19:37

@IMustDoMoreExercise
Yes, and I offered to do just that. She declined and said the boyfriend would sort it. I'm going to get them regardless though, as others have suggested, and leave them in her room / the bathroom etc.

I would leave them on top of her bag.

AcceptAllChanges · 25/10/2024 19:48

I had four decades of sexual activity, some of it with quite skanky blokes. Because I was on the pill, I never considered condoms. In retrospect I'm somewht aghast at my recklessness, but I'm still here to tell the tale and never got any STDs.

TheCompactPussycat · 25/10/2024 19:48

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

Don't "keep telling her she's being irresponsible". You will only make her rebel more to try to prove you wrong.

Instead, calmly explain that you accept she is an adult and is free to make her own choices and take her own risks, but say that you are only concerned/worried because you love her and don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Remind her that you are there to support her if she needs anything, including advice. Buy her some condoms and let her know they are just there "in case she wants them at any point".

Sassybooklover · 25/10/2024 19:45

I was on the Pill and used condoms when younger. I was terrified of becoming pregnant, even though I religiously took my Pill. You have said your piece. Buy condoms and leave them in your daughter's room, along with some leaflets on the different sexual diseases. Unfortunately, there is little else you can do, other than keeping the lines of communication open. Her boyfriend may say he's slept with 6 others but teenage boys lie, so that may not be the truth! If it is, then at just 18, that's pretty high.

GentleFinch · 25/10/2024 19:44

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suburberphobe · 25/10/2024 19:41

Show her this OP.

It is important to note that the bacteria that cause gonorrhea have become resistant to some antibiotics over time. This means that certain antibiotics that were once effective for treating gonorrhea may no longer be effective. This is why it is important to see a doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.

Thommasina · 25/10/2024 19:39

Motnight · 25/10/2024 18:31

Your DD is certainly being naive, Op.

But you've explained your concerns. I think that she does need to make her own mistakes. It's extremely frustrating watching your young adult child making decisions that you don't understand. I honestly think that my DD was more sensible at 13 than between the ages of 15 and 20! Good luck!

Thank you for saying this. My own dd18 is being a prat now but was lovely at 15/16!!!

No advice OP but I feel for you.

Original poster
namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 19:37

@IMustDoMoreExercise
Yes, and I offered to do just that. She declined and said the boyfriend would sort it. I'm going to get them regardless though, as others have suggested, and leave them in her room / the bathroom etc.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 25/10/2024 19:34

namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 18:32

I meant to add, she said her boyfriend has been "meaning to get some condoms" but then just ... didn't? I said I'd buy her some, she said no it's fine, he will get them. Part of me is now wondering if he's putting pressure on her not to use them?!

Can you buy her a supply?

Original poster
namechangemumofteen · 25/10/2024 19:33

Arglefraster · 25/10/2024 19:24

I would definitely leave condoms for her.

I would also point out that from an infection risk pov she's having sex with everyone her boy friend had sex with AND everyone they had sex with before him - so her risk isn't limited to BF plus his 6.

Yes I said similar to this to her.

OP posts:
GentleFinch · 25/10/2024 19:33

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Hadalifeonce · 25/10/2024 19:31

I drummed into both of mine that there are 2 reasons not to use a condom, 1 to have a baby, 2 to have an STI.
I have found condoms in both their rooms (not hidden, not snooping). So I hope they are both being sensible.