Three's a crowd

Some ridiculous comments. Inviting yourself along to someone else’s social plans when your presence will change the way people are able to access the social event is completely out of order. Even if it didn’t change the dynamic, you don’t invite yourself to things!
I’d never invite myself to my teenagers social plans, why would op’s mother think this was acceptable?

Tell your friends you'll do something with them another time and just go with your mum. They'll probably appreciate a night out just them without you tagging along.

I bet there’s loads of lonely people where you live. Why haven’t you invited them to spend this evening with you?

She can make plans with other people, the important thing is not inviting herself along to a couples' night out where she doesn't even know one person in the other couple.

😆 It's kinder for and elderly (presumably) widow to stay home alone on the day of a free music event in her town, than inflict her presence on her daughter and her friends? Wow.

Just explain you're going with friends. It changes the dynamic and you want to sit near the stage/music. You are entitled to go without her and don't have to be her social life.

Probably not, it would feel callous wouldn’t it?

so in actual fact by insisting on still going OP’s DM is putting OP in a really tricky position, and actually the kind thing for her to do would be to sit this one out and let her DD and her SIL enjoy a night out with their friends. Instead she is making them feel bad.

Not particularly nice behaviour really and sounds like it is really stressing poor OP out.

This!
Keep it short and sweet and then move the conversation on quickly.

I’m with you op. It would change the whole dynamic of the evening. Besides you hadn’t actually arranged to go with your mum!

Just explain to mum that you are out with friends and you'll catch her another day.

Stick to your guns. Your are entitled to some time with friends/DP and you DP is entitled not to have your mum along.

It’s interesting. Because when the same question is asked on here about bringing along a child or even a teenager, the answer is always a resounding no. Because it will change the dynamic/not what people signed up for/cant talk how you usually do etc. This brings up all the same things but there are a lot more people saying it would be unreasonable and discriminatory to leave the Mum out. Something that no one seems to care about with kids. They really are the only group left where no one cares if they stereotype and discriminate against.

So she goes as planned, which is now alone as her friend can't make it, and you and your friends watch her spend the evening alone?

You have options other than not going.

1. You take your mum along with you all.
2. You take your mum and don't meet up with your friends (DH makes his own choice - friends, you & mum, alone, stay home).
3. Explain to mum that you can't look after her at this event. Is there anyone else who could help out if another ticket was available?

Not going at all is the worst choice, you would still feel angry and guilty. If your mum is upset because you decide not to take her maybe you can plan something else together.

So surely she should go as planned? That doesn’t involve tagging along with her DD who has made specific plans with a different group of people.

It's not a "gig", it's a free music event that's obviously intended for all ages. DM had planned to go anyway.

I think we are descending into unreality a bit here, surely? I cannot be the only one who would plan a night out to a gig with their mates and a separate activity (possibly less rowdy) with their elderly (mid 80s) DGM? I thought that was pretty normal? Am I being unspeakably ageist and ableist?!

Bless her, of course you should take her.

I’d add an apostrophe.

Maybe changing the dynamic would be fun?

But either way, it's OK to exclude disabled people to protect your dynamic?

Because it changes the dynamic. My mum is in her 60s and my DGM (who I love very much) is in her 80s and essentially unable to walk or hear.

going out with my DGM is a totally different experience than going out with anyone else. It needs careful planning and it needs to be tailored to her. I’d also not be able to chat to anyone else as I’d spend the whole evening having to shout loudly at her so she could hear. I’d not take my DGM on a night out with my mates. I just wouldn’t 🤷‍♀️

I'm really shocked at the responses. In my friendship group we bring along all sorts of misfits, it's what makes the group so vibrant.

I'd be horrified if someone wasn't invited because their disabilities might make things tricky.

And yes one of my friends quite often brings his mother, in her late 70s. She's a blast.

It’s ok to say No .. it does not make you a bad person. You are an adult, and you are allowed to make decisions on how you spend your time, and who with.

Don’t let guilt rule your life.

I wouldn't exclude anyone for being immobile no, and what does elderly have to do with anything except that it's brought the immobility?