Three's a crowd

You're just trying to make OP feel guilty. Maybe you had a closer relationship with your mother and would always put her above things that you had arranged with friends.

I don't believe that elderly people should always get their own way, irrespective of how unreasonable they are being, on the basis that they might die soon. It's just emotional blackmail.

I'd just say that you're going with friends for this one, but will take her another time.

It would never occur to my mum to expect to be included when DH and I meet friends and vice versa.

That’s you, but maintaining friendships is really important. They will be the same friends there for op when her mother is no longer here.

🙄

I'd love to still have my mam here and take her and all her frailties to a concert she wanted to go to- even if it meant I missed out with friends.

😂

@IlooklikeNigella oh get lost and I bet you dont look like Nigella !

I think it's nice so many people would take her.

Maybe one of the people responding can pick her up and go with her?

Your DH and you need a night with friends. She's old enough to know better.

Say it's not goign to work and offer an alternative.

I’d take her, set her up to enjoy the music and then do my own thing and just pop back now and then. That’s what I do with my dad who isn’t mobile but likes going to events.

But of course you don’t have to. Just go and don’t make plans to meet her or share any info about your plans.

What?! People are allowed to have a social life away from their parents. Good grief.

She's old enough to know to not gatecrash someone else's night out!

I go out regularly with my mum, mil and my 90 yo gran.

No way would I let them crash a night planned with pals. Nor would they try.

I'd be raging if a planned night ended up with someone's immobile mother.

Op the evening will dictate around her needs.. mine same age. So no.

Your mother is being unreasonable. She didn’t ask you to go to an event she got tickets for, she is trying to gatecrash something you’d planned for yourself and your friends.

Even if she was physically able, I’d be annoyed as a friend if someone turned up with their elderly mother. Totally changes the dynamic.

My MIL is annoyed I didn’t buy her tickets to go to the panto and Santa with us. Problem is she complains incessantly, is fussy about what/where she will eat, does nothing to help with our children and never puts her hand in her pocket… so I have no inclination to invite her on our outings!!

Exactly what @Larrythebloodycat said, information diet. I’m not surprised your Dh is pouting about her going and says he won’t. If the situation was reversed, everyone would be saying’You have a DH problem, either it’s you or his mum’. She doesn’t get to come everywhere, it just isn’t appropriate for her to gatecrash an evening out you’re having with your mates.

I do feel sorry that she can’t go because her friend has had to drop out, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have made your own arrangements for the night. If she has to sit away from the loud music and that’s what you wanted to go to enjoy, then your intentions/needs are too at odds, I think.

Alot of people are saying about how the OP is not being inclusive because her mum is immobile but what about the fact that her mum has been rude and invited herself to an event that was pre planned to be as a group of friends then makes a load of demands about what should happen during the event. Does being disabled give her the right to be rude and entitled? And I say this as someone with multiple people in my family who are disabled! OP go and enjoy your night like you originally planned and tell your mum your sorry but you already made plans on this occasion.

I'm not as old as your mum, I'm 55, but I often go out with my adult DC and their friends, so I'm your mum in this situation, and I would completely get it. I go with DC to gigs and on nights out, but crucially, when they ask me. And they ask me when they think I'd enjoy the company and the event and I'd fit with the dynamic. And because there's a generation between us, that's not always going to be the case. I'm surprised that a mum wouldn't understand this and if she gets huffy then she's being unreasonable. You sound like you do a lot to include her OP so feel no guilt that on this occasion its not for her.

That seems reasonable and your mum should understand that.

It’s not ‘people’. It’s OPs Mum. so. Yes

Next time mum - this time we’ve made specific plans with x and y and it would be discourteous not to give them my full attention.

She wasn't invited, one of the friends that is going doesn't know her at all and now OP's DH doesn't want to go.

I would never dream of gatecrashing events or nights out with my adult children.

She invited herself. At nearly 80 she’s old enough to know better. It totally changes the mood to have your mother along when you’re meeting up with another couple. It also puts you into carer/fixer mode. You deserve some relaxation. I’m sure you invite her/take her to plenty of other things.

You are not being doing anything wrong Op and there is some weird responses on here. You had arranged to go out with friends for a particular night out and your mum has invited herself. I think your mum is being quite selfish as she hadn’t been invited. Tell your mum that another night you will take her out and go and enjoy your night out with your friends

Do you think that everyone has a responsibility to be a caretaker first all the time?

we can love and care for people without martyring ourselves to them. It is more loving to kindly say ‘mum, this is an event I’m going to go and enjoy with my friends, I’d love to plan a concert with you soon’ than it is to take her + look after her while feeling cross and resentful about the night you would rather be having.

of course it’s OK for OP to want to enjoy a night in which she is responsible only for her own enjoyment.

Plan a future event with your mum, tell her you can’t be available to look after her but that you’d like to do X (find something specific!) - go and have a great time with your buddies.