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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

why is being a grandparent so hard?

33 replies

memorybox · 25/10/2024 15:51

I've posted before about the issues seeing/having contact with my step grandchild. I want to get as much information in as i can, so as not to be accused of drip feeding anything.

Grandchild is my DH's son and his partners child, so technically my step grandchild (GC1) I also have a grandchild of a similar age from my DD and her DH (GC2). We try very hard to treat both GC equally. both are less than a year old and very close in ages. The main differences are that GC1 lives an hours drive away, whereas GC2 lives pretty much round the corner and mum of GC1 has gone back to work whereas GC2's mum is in a very fortunate position of not having to return to work at all if they do not chose to do so.

I posted recently that GC1's parents were expecting us to have an overnight once a week where we were responsible for pick up and drop off etc, and GC2's parents had never asked us outright to have the baby but it was something we wanted to do. I will not lie, we were exhausted, as both myself and DH are still working, and having GC1 on our days off, we had not time for us let alone anyone else.

I admit, i do see GC2 probably every other day, they live round the corner, they pop in for chats and catch ups and sometimes invite us for walks and a coffee etc. GC1 lives so much further away so contact is less.

Parents of GC1, now that we have knocked the sleep over every week on the head are demanding to know how much time we actually spend with GC2?

So the point of my post is AIBU in not actually telling them? or should i be honest?

Why is it such a juggling act? why do i always feel so guilty seeing one GC over the other? I can't seem to be allowed to spend time with my own DD and her child without making the (we shall call her DIL but they are not married) envious? I'm not allowed to comment on how much time she spends with her own mother, and i never would.. its her mum? why is it so complicated

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 25/10/2024 16:20

Ah, misread it as well.

Either way, don’t allow yourself to be hectored by them. What time you spend with your grandchild isn’t anything to do with him.

InterIgnis · 25/10/2024 16:19

I would expect you to want to spend more time with your grandchild, over the child of your son’s relatively new girlfriend. It would be batshit for you to continue humoring them.

CheeseyOnionPie · 25/10/2024 16:17

It’s none of their business how much time you spend with your DD and GC2. They have no right to your time and just sound like they’re after free childcare.

Original poster
memorybox · 25/10/2024 16:13

catlesslady · 25/10/2024 16:06

I think if you say you won't tell them how much time you spend with GC2 it will be seen as antagonistic. I'm not saying that they have a right to question you like this but I just think saying you won't discuss it will be interpreted as defensive. I'd just say something like 'We love spending time with both of our grandchildren but find having a baby overnight really difficult now that we're getting older but still working. We do see GC2 more often but he/she doesn't stay over and usually has a parent there to do the real child-care. You're welcome to pop over with GC1 whenever you like.'

However, if I've read this correctly GC1 is less than a year old and is not biologically your son's child. So either the relationship is still fairly new or there have been complications. All of which I'm sure makes parenting tougher and it sounds like they're deflecting some of the blame for that stress on to you. It sounds like the evening where you had GC1 was probably the only time they got together without a baby. If they just need a bit of time off, could you perhaps offer to have them all stay over so they do the driving and wake in the night/do the morning routine etc but could go out together for a few hours?

the 'son' is my step son.. and the child IS his, and him and his partner are not married.

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 25/10/2024 16:12

Tell DC1's parents that you'd be happy to have them over if they want to drop by to see you. This is the big difference between your DD and step DS. DD comes around often because she lives close and she wants to see you. StepDS only wants free babysitting. Huge difference. Being a grand-parent is not hard when you are retired AND not be obliged to babysit all the time. Since you are working you can propose to DGC 1's parents that they come to see you so they don't feel left out. But I'm pretty sure they are just inconvenienced because you're not doing the babysitting they want...

catlesslady · 25/10/2024 16:06

I think if you say you won't tell them how much time you spend with GC2 it will be seen as antagonistic. I'm not saying that they have a right to question you like this but I just think saying you won't discuss it will be interpreted as defensive. I'd just say something like 'We love spending time with both of our grandchildren but find having a baby overnight really difficult now that we're getting older but still working. We do see GC2 more often but he/she doesn't stay over and usually has a parent there to do the real child-care. You're welcome to pop over with GC1 whenever you like.'

However, if I've read this correctly GC1 is less than a year old and is not biologically your son's child. So either the relationship is still fairly new or there have been complications. All of which I'm sure makes parenting tougher and it sounds like they're deflecting some of the blame for that stress on to you. It sounds like the evening where you had GC1 was probably the only time they got together without a baby. If they just need a bit of time off, could you perhaps offer to have them all stay over so they do the driving and wake in the night/do the morning routine etc but could go out together for a few hours?

ThiccOfIt · 25/10/2024 16:03

You’re grandparents, not parents of these DC..

Sleepovers should be for when it’s convenient and fun for everyone (you included) not expected and forced.

SatinHeart · 25/10/2024 15:57

It shouldn't be that hard at all. GC1s parents are acting like entitled brats.

Or perhaps the kinder explanation could be that they are really struggling with parenthood?