why is being a grandparent so hard?

How dare they demand to know how often you see your grandchild. They're a pair of CF. I'd tell them straight that your daughter visits often so in turn you see GC2 often. And if they ever bothered to visit you'd see GC1 more too.

I'd also point out you're not a free babysitter because, let's be honest, that's all they want you for. Do not let this pair of CF make you feel guilty. Your husband really should be having a word with his son.

I know. I corrected myself in the next post.

You've got your facts wrong. The son is a stepson not the grandchild

As the parent in the same situation as you, my children ended up with a better relationship with their GPs than those that were nearer. Ours always saw them for extended visits, holidays, long weekends, to make the travelling worthwhile. It fostered a deeper relationship than simply going over for an hour or two at a time. The time we did spend together was prioritised, whereas nearby ones would be doing clubs, up in their rooms, agitating to go home and do their own thing.

Just leave it to your husband to sort out.

Is your stepsons mother around? Surely if she is, your stepsons mother should be doing granny duties too?

Tricky situation OP. The issue is that your husband is the father of your SS and GF of your SGS so you both are considered GPs of GC1 (rightly so IMO).
GC2 is your biological GC and I presume non biological GC of your husband (but you and your husband are considered GPs of GC2 (rightly so IMO).
Your daughter is in the fortunate position of not having to work whilst GC1's parents don't seem to have that choice. Once a week sleepover is a big commitment for childcare but I can see why they might request this if you were not working FT. If your daughter made that request, would you still feel it was too much?
I'm not being critical of your feelings but the issue of children in families where there has been remarriage/additional children (as some examples) needs to be treated carefully.
My biological GC have 2 older siblings (not biologically related to me) but I consider them 'mine' in the same way as my GC and treat them the same.
In the best interests of all, I believe that works best.
I empathise with you OP and it is so easy to get it 'wrong' when you are doing your damned best to get it 'right'.
Wishing you well

Hi SS and SDIL, I think there’s some confusion here, we don’t spend any time babysitting GS2! As we’ve said to you, we would find it far too much of a strain to take regular overnight responsibility especially. We do see GS2 regularly of course when I, and sometimes of course your Dad, spend time with my DD and her family. It’s a real shame that you guys are too far away to do this as that’s what we really think we all miss out on - family time all together. We often get to go along with DD when she takes GS2 to the park for instance, and we’d love it if we could do the same more regularly with you - come along with you to activities you could take GS1 to nearer us, or maybe we could travel to you to do some joint days out sometime soon?

You’ll get radio silence to this I imagine as they don’t want you to ‘spend time’ - they want free childcare. Without them having to be there!

You either reply and say that its not their business, or you say that you pip in briefly a couple of times a week, so no way near as much time you spend with their DC, so thanks for making you realise you ought perhaps to spend more time with DGC2 to balance things out.

I can’t believe they asked you to do the pick up and drop off, as well as do a regular overnight. And then they have the cheek to be confrontational to you afterwards? I would be tempted not to reply to such a ridiculous question. What is your husband saying?

I'm the parent of a GC1 in this situation. We live an hour away from grandparents. Our kids are very close in ages to GC2.
GC2 live in the same town.

We see in-laws once every few months. They will help with childcare if we are super desperate in the school holidays. There is no regular arrangement.

They seem GC2 probably 3-4 times a week.

It IS upsetting that our kids are often left out of stuff but that's on us. We moved away. We do back and visit but it's hard. In-laws work part time, we work full time and the kids have clubs. We go back when we can and try and facilitate a relationship.

What I will say IS avoidable is treating the kids the same just because they are the same age. My kids are SO different to their cousins and it really used to wind me up they used to get the same presents as GC2 rather than ask me what they were into etc.

Sounds like GC1 are entitled. But I'd not make this about step kids or not step kids. It's practically because one set of GC live round the corner.

I think there is a huge difference here. Sounds like when you have DGC1 they are solely your responsibility. Where as when you see DGC2 their mother is there and therefore although you're seeing GC2 more your actually babysitting them less. Personally I think your DIL sounds bonkers and very entitled and it's more to do with the babysitting hours than the actual contact time.

I see my parents and MIL very regularly. They do babysit when we work weekly and for us to go out sometimes but we haven't asked them to do overnights and oldest DC is 4 x

I would answer them by telling them that your daughter popped over, your daughter invited you out to lunch, your daughter asked you to join her for a walk, therefore you have been lucky enough to see plenty of her and her child. Tell them you would love it if they wanted to go out for lunch etc too so that you could all see each other.

I understand that new mothers feelings over their babies aren’t always supposed to be rational so it’s not unreasonable that your dil feels jealous about grandparent time on behalf of her child. But it does sound like a big part of it is wanting childcare, not family time.

I think you need to be honest but also careful about how you word it.

‘DD popped in on Monday and then we met briefly on Thursday afternoon for coffee’

then follow that immediately with how delighted you’d be to see them: ‘we’d love to see you too. Are you around on Saturday to come for lunch?’

they would like to see you more - it’s nice that they do- hard work though!

There is no way in which I would feel the same about my stepson's child as I would about a child who was my grandchild. My husband's step parents were warm and welcoming to my children but I think it's only natural they spent more time with their actual grandchildren.

I don't think grandparents should be pressganged into a regular once a week "sleepover" either. I wouldn't have asked that of my own mother let alone my husband's stepmother. I mean I'm sure they would have stepped up in an emergency but not as a regular thing. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband's stepmother how much time she spends with her own grandchildren.

Your stepson and his partner sound selfish and entitled. I wouldn't have countenanced a regular sleepover when you are both still working. Of course you were exhausted by it. Even if you were retired, I still wouldnt expect it. My mother used to stay with the children when they were little when we used to go away on holiday but there was a live-in nanny so my mother got to do the fun things with the children without the day to day slog of looking after them.

I think you should tell them how much unpaid childcare you do for GC2, and offer to do a comparable amount of unpaid childcare for GC1. It doesn't sound like you're doing much of this for either of them at the moment, and that's fine - you are not the parents, so you don't have to.

I would add that DSS and his wife are welcome to bring their dc to visit you at other times, like your dd does, but that they will need to be responsible for looking after the dc during those visits, as dd currently looks after gc2.

There's a huge difference between popping in with the baby or all going out for a walk to caring for a baby overnight. Anyone (reasonable) can see that!

I'd just say "The time we spend with the grandchildren does not make them more or less special to us. Which you seem to be confusing. Dd lives round the corner and she pops in and invites us to things and this facilitates us seeing gc1 as Im sure you do with your mum. You are more than welcome to do the same, which we would love for you to do. Unfortunately, whilst we both work full time, it is just too tiring to have gc2 for a sleepover every weekend - which I hope you appreciate. We do however adore her and would love for you to come visit and to do things together."

Answer honestly, but calmly and without drama or defensiveness.

GC2 pops in quite often for little visits as she lives two doors down. We don’t get so tired, as we aren’t actually looking after her.

The other difference is there’s no commitment- if we’re too tired for visitors we can just say so.

We’d love to see you and GC1 more often! You are always welcome to come and stay/have dinner/whatever welcome you are prepared to offer!

Were the parents brought up as step siblings or have you and DH got together later in life?

My son and DH's son (adults) have never even met and I certainly wouldn't let one of them compare notes about the other.

If they were effectively brought up as step siblings though i can understand them wanting equal treatment.

This exactly !

This. I have a 9 week old and am desperate for some help but even I can see how GC1's parents are totally unreasonable. Your stepson is totally out of line.

We provide 0 childcare for GC2, and we'd be happy to do that for you too! 😂

I think the difference here is that you are spending time with GC2 as a family, joining in activities.

With GC1 it sounds like they actively want childcare, in which case the time spent is not comparable.