Please help me find the perfect word to shut down HR

I'd reply to the messages themselves saying that you're happy to help, but expect to be treated with courtesy.

I always find chat gpt helpful for writing difficult emails when I can't find the words

Love this! I vote go with this. That way they can't say "she didn't tell us....". Set your stall out and don't take any shit!

Given that the HR dept is trying to pull a fast one, I would also act to protect your professional reputation in calling them out on the fabrications and omissions.

Something like

"I am aware of communications to date between X and yourselves and I wish to remind you that I am acting in a professional capacity, as an "honest broker" and therefore cannot be party to a process that is not based upon the supply of full, complete and verifiable data and information"

Following your update it looks like you've got yourself into a potentially adversarial position with the company if they are not happy to share information with you and are communicating in this way. I thought you meant you are involved in conducting the investigation. I'd stop communicating with the HR and talk openly and honestly with the investigator, including that you can't verify they've sent your information correctly as they've refused to share what they've provided.

I’d state that: I am happy to assist HR with this matter voluntarily but would like to take this opportunity to remind them that I am not an employee of their company and therefore neither bound by or constrained by their employment practices. On this basis, I would appreciate communications to reflect the nature of our relationship and for their tone to be considered in the light of the fact I am under no obligation to remain involved.

My cooperation is a gesture of goodwill and will involve time and effort which I am happy to donate; However, I would respectfully request communication that is in the spirit of my involvement rather than demanding of my presence.

Honestly I think chat GPT is great with things like this. I don’t think it requires a strategically worded message either considering it’s not your own HR department.

Yep this is the kind of thing you need, tailored to a specific example of them trying to order you around. So e.g.

’We require you to complete form F by close of play Friday and it must be done using pink paper and a quill pen with ‘I LOVE OASIS’ written on it’

’Dear X. Thanks for the guidance you suggest for completing form F. As you know, I’m taking time on a voluntary basis to assist with this investigation, so the completion of Form F is planned for next week at the earliest. For information, I use a ballpoint pen with I LOVE BLUR written on it. Do let me know if you would rather look to someone within your organisation to take this on - it does sound as if you’re frustrated with the level of support I’m able to provide as an external volunteer.’

So as above but you let them know, with no discussion, WHAT you WILL be doing and that no, you don’t jump when they say!

Exactly .

Presumably there is something at stake for an individual or company if there us some kind of investigation. It is normal for there to be a process and perameters around an investigation for it to be conducted fairly and within any relevant legal frameworks. It's not personal. I'm sure they are grateful to you etc

So they aren’t paying you?

if they’re taking you on as a contractor for the investigation it’s not abnormal to make them subject to some HR policies I don’t think.

Can I kindly remind you I am cooperating with your department on a voluntary basis?

^

This is so Mumsnet!

What Vauxhall said

Or just don't bother helping at all??

Can I kindly remind you I am cooperating with your department on a voluntary basis? I really would like for our internal communication to reflect this and respect the fact I am external to your organisation, voluntarily cooperating, and not a subordinate.

Turn it back in them. ‘Your email tone and frequency suggests your becoming frustrated with the level of support I’m able to provide. Would you rather I stepped away from the project at this time so you can find someone better able to meet your requirements?’!

I think you are over-reacting. The "tone" is almost certainly a standardised series of templates that are based on ensuring everything is done in accordance with policy and the law. If you wish to participate in an investigation of whatever this as about, then you will have to fit in with their processes - it is not a "favour" to anyone. If yoiu don't wish to participate, say so and withdraw.

This one. Absolutely spot on.

I am happy to help, but I can't agree to adhere to your wider practices. If this means I can't take part, so be it.

As you are doing them a favour out of the goodness of your heart I might say
”I no longer feel able to provide the assistance you are asking for”.
You don’t have to give a reason!