Please help me find the perfect word to shut down HR

Pressure, rather than bully.

I would love to hear HR's side of this story...

I have seen too much time and energy wasted by trying to be polite and correct and rule-following with people who aren't. I also don't appreciate being used or manipulated. Keep the substance of the matter front and centre at all times.

You know the name of the 3rd party investigator. You are free to contact them directly. You and they can have a confidential relationship; HR and they can have a confidential relationship. Ask the investigator what they need to know from you and give it to them (subject to your contract terms with the company HR is a dept of). Be in charge of what happens to you, your work and your reputation.

This is awesome!

Hold this one in reserve OP!

I'd also be tempted to throw in a "you seem to have forgotten that I don't actually work for your company."

Or “dear hr. I suggest you run your messages through chat GPT with the instruction: make this polite”.

Oh, you’re good!

I want you on my side if I have any employment issues!

Condescend?

For some reason I am imagining this as either an investigation into the allegations of Meghan Markle’s bullying at Buckingham Palace or the Red Bull Racing investigation into Christian Horner and whatever he was accused of.

Let’s say you are friends with either Christian Horner or his PA, the HR idiots are Red Bull’s HR department, and there is third party (Barrister) investigating.

Do you have the option of communicating directly with the Third Party? If so, I’d suggest doing that as much as possible, copying in your friend and HR if appropriate.

Another option is cutting out HR completely and going straight to Third Party. Given that you don’t work for Red Bull, it would be inappropriate for your information/testimony/evidence/whatever to go through them as it may impact the impartiality of the investigation and, of course, HR wouldn’t want that, would they? (You picked up in the sarcasm there, right?) If you do that make sure you also exclude your friend, or just send stuff to his non-work email address.

As for one liners to shut down HR:
As I am not employed by Red Bull, it would be inappropriate for me to (do whatever they are asking).

Optional extra - add the following to the sentence above - but I shall ensure that information reached Third Party.

For your information, I am not employed by Red Bull (yeah, they already know but this is a polite, ok, semi-polite reminder) which makes the tone of these emails demanding rather than requesting.

Are you asking me or are you telling me to….?

By the way, if you make a point of including the person's name (the one they're trying to stitch up), it then becomes something that has to be released during an SAR.

Got to love the employer that paid me to learn how to say this shit. They did regret it eventually.

Just read your update OP. Sounds a lot like the Post Office!

@NeverDropYourMooncup This with bells on.
I thought from the OP that this was just a case of an arsey tone in emails, but it’s far worse. HR are actually being underhand and dishonest with information, and you have to disentangle yourself from their efforts to cover up.

Also a decent investigator will take documented evidence directly from the source and check things from indirect sources for tampering.

Ah the "it's just a standard letter" excuse.

No. If the tone of the letter is belligerent, it needs to change. A sensible, authoritative letter can be written, without being rude.

Could you please do this by [date] because we have a deadline of [date] and need to consider your feedback by then.

You must provide feedback by our deadline of [date].

Big difference.

I am a third party investigator and am shocked by the fact HR are clearly trying to bias what is meant to be an unbiased process, hence the third party investigator. When you have your meeting, tell the investigator what happened. They would be very interested in that.

Just say that what ever they propose you will only do so if it is legal and you are comfortable doing so. You are in no way oblidged to them to carry out any of the tasks requested as you are not bound by their company procedures.

What exactly are they asking you to do?

Is it some sort of sting operation?

NeverDropYourMooncup

Nailed it 💯

I have agreed to collaborate WITH your HR team, I do not work FOR your HR team, please bear that in mind as we go through this process if you expect my continued cooperation.

Go for the nuclear option.

I would have grave concerns regarding the authenticity of statements/evidence provided to an external, impartial investigator if I continue to be prevented from having clear sight of what is apparently being sent in my name. In order to avoid any confusion or suspicion of impropriety and inherent breach of Professional Standards and Statutory requirements, I must therefore restate my position that under no circumstances is any communication in my name to be forwarded to the independent investigator without my prior approval.

Moreover, in view of the tone of the most recent response to my voicing concern about this potential conflict of interest on the part of <company name> having control over all evidence provided to the Independent Investigator (including that of an entirely separate individual who is assisting the investigation purely as a goodwill gesture), I therefore wish to communicate solely with the investigator directly with immediate effect and require their contact details by return <if you don't have them>.

<cc Independent Investigator if you already have their details>

It's a 'fuck you, you're tampering with the evidence, you lying bastards, and I'm going to make sure they know it' email.

Definitely only communicate with the investigating body where possible.

Only got to watch 10mins of the Post Office Inquiry to see how quickly even those on the periphery end up with egg on their face by being drawn in on what "the company line" is.

Definitely only communicate with the investigating body where possible.

Only got to watch 10mins of the Post Office Inquiry to see how quickly even those on the periphery end up with egg on their face by being drawn in on what "the company line" is.

You just need to call them out on it every time. Go to the investigator if needs be to see what has actually been shared esp if you don't trust HR. It sounds like they have something to hide which would make me very suspicious and question everything.

You can do a more business like version of the passive aggressive hippy 'thank you for sharing'.

I like this one