Negative DIL

It's very hard to tell from your examples what the problem is. I think instructions for babysitting is actualyl fine - especially if the children are really young and your DS and DIL have preferred routines or processes.

Gifts... that can go either way. I think a lot of the time well-meaning gifts from grandparents, especially in laws, are rejected in a manner that's unnecsesary. My approach is to comeon here to laugh about it eg the time most recently where MIL bought the kids GOLD TEASPOONS. However, it can also be very frustrating when gransparents are lbuying large or excessive gifts or things that aren't appropriate. I don't care personally, but for example I know a lot of people don't want pretend weapons and get very annoyed with toy guns/crossbows/swords etc.

It doesn't really matter if your DIL doesn't thank you effusively, as long as between her and your DS you are being thanked. Are you?

As for generational stuff - that really depends. Are you constantly Tsking because she isn't weaning the baby at 3 months? In which case YABU. On the other hand, if you say something like, "Ooh, I remember the way we used to just hold our babies on our laps in the car, hahaha, crazy" and she's getting all huffy and acting like you are about to do this, then YANBU.

As others have said, more detail needed really.

How often do you baby sit? If you are around a lot, that makes it more important that you are following the methods the parents want to use. My mum regularly has mine and always gives them good that I have suggested and asks me what I want to do about naps. When DFIL visits we deviate more because he sees them less often.

Saying thank you I would expect to be done by your son if he is at handover - is he? My DH always takes the lead in discussion with his family, as I do with mine. I think that's pretty standard. However if he isn't there I obvious thank on behalf of both of us.

What was your relationship like with her prior to D.C.?

It must be very difficult to be in this position and it's great you are seeking to improve things by thinking about the situation and inviting opinions. Completely agree I would like to know where your son is in this. I have noticed some MILs on here tend to struggle with being the grandmother and not the mother to their DGC and their DS remains innocent and blameless in their eyes. Why not spend some time actually getting to know your DIL and understanding her views and parenting approach with an open mind. She might be defensive at first but it could strengthen your relationship which will be good for everyone.
You can choose one of two paths on this one. The wrong one will be a lifetime of friction and stress and the right one will be great relationships with your son's family.

@Dinkiedoo Be prepared. In-Laws are automatically in the wrong on here. Think very carefully about whether there is anything you should change. Ask your son for his input. And carry on being pleasant to your dil while concentrating on your relationship with the grandchildren.

I agree, whoever does the handing over should be doing the thanking. Even if the GP have asked to see the kids, you still thank them for looking after them. It's nice that GP want to be involved and you should let them know it's appreciated.

Maybe it's the DIL who asks for the help and is there at pick up and drop off.

When I look after my DGD, it's her dad, my son in law, who usually does the drop off and pick up. He always thanks me and is really appreciative. If he was brusque and transactional, I'd be a bit miffed, too.

Hmm. It’s hard to say without dil’s side of the story.

For example my pil had full time free childcare from my DH’s paternal granny and grandpa, and the grandparents also paid for their house deposit.

When my DH, brother or cousins mention how tough the salaries and housing market is, defensibly without anyone even saying they had it easier they bleat on and on about how hard they worked. Well we do too, but when we are pissing up the walls large amounts of money on rent and childcare it’s going to be much harder to get a buy a house than if you are gifted a deposit and childcare. (Not even factoring in the changes in the housing market and salaries)

Of course it’s harder for millennial vs Boomers.

In terms of toys, child are tat magnets, everyone buys them crap. Your dil is probably trying to encourage you not to waste money on things that will not be used/donated or take up space in their house.

None sound terrible tbh. Life is VERY hard for our generation and she is probably pissed off and frustrated, not with you personally but the way things have turned out for our generation. I really worry about how hard it is going to be for my daughter’s generation, it’s turned to shit just in one short generation. My mother bought her first home at 21, had free university and has an amazing private pension + state pension on top.

have you ever tried empathising with her about it?

whats a reverse? i've seen this comment a few times and never known what it meant?

She sounds annoying

We need more info.

If your DIL is saying that you must use a car seat in the car then that is very different to telling you not to give kids anything sweet.

I’ve heard of some appalling gifts on here so we can’t comment without more details. For example if they are too babyish, too big or broken toys from a charity shop then I understand where your DIL is coming from but if she’s declined because it’s not wood and fits her Instagram aesthetic then I agree with you.

Next week on MN ‘ Why don’t DGPIL ever offer to babysit? Why do they never buy the kids any presents? Why don’t they just STFU and do exactly as I want without asking for thanks? Why do they do everything for their daughter’s kids and not wonderful mine?’

Search me, guv 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you tried doing what she asks when you look after the kids?

Have you tried listening to her about what the kids like and don't like and adjusted your 'little gifts' accordingly?

Where is your son in all this?

We need some examples @Dinkiedoo

How old are the kids? She might be struggling or just in that awful bubble you’re in when they’re young that you just sleepwalk through it all and can be a bit selfish not meaning to be (I was anyway!)

I agree more information is needed.

I mean "telling us what to do" could mean anything. When my in-laws babysit (or anyone for that matter) I'll do a bit of a handover of things the person babysitting will probably need to know, for example "DC hasn't eaten yet but there's some sandwich things in the fridge, they can play out if they want to but only if they've finished tidying their room"

Go through your son if you don't like your DIL.

This.

I don’t think I’m the one projecting. I like my MIL very much and there was no anger whatsoever in my post.

Are you quite alright?

First response nailed it.

What are you buying them and why do you need to buy them gifts?

I’m willing to bet your daughter in law and son have a house filled with toys. Do you think you’re the only ones caring for these kids and they aren’t getting from elsewhere? I say no to gifts from my parents and my in-laws for numerous reasons - we have so many toys already. My in laws or parents aren’t the ones tidying them away or finding somewhere to put them. We do a reward chart and a gift of DC’s choice when full, getting little gifts here, there and everywhere undermines the reward chart. Even when parents and in-laws do buy along the lines of DC’s interests we end up with duplicates because everyone sees the same toy they would like in Tesco. It’s fine to have 3 dinosaur colouring books as they’ll get used but we don’t need 3 Blueys. Birthday and Christmas are close together so rather than just piles and piles of tat very close together and nothing else throughout the year, I would rather one small gift and then money with which I can buy clothes, shoes, books etc throughout the year.

Telling what to do with the kids again is fair. I tel my parents how we treat bad behaviour as it’s different to how they did bad behaviour. I tell them what time DC should have meals and rather than giving the choice of the full menu, give them two choices from the menu because I know if you DC the choice of full menu, you’d never order and they would get hungry.

Interested to see what the little snippets about your generation are and what caused them?

Hard to comment without examples
Guidelines and parenting styles do change. My Mum has given me a fair bit of outdated advice and I haven't followed it. She did bottle feeding, dummies, baby porridge and rusks and I did none of that. I hopefully didn't offend her by not taking on her suggestions, but maybe I did! I've probably unclenched a bit now my PFB is older and I've had another one since.

Refusing gifts for the kids does sound a bit ungrateful and hurtful. When I lived in a small house I did dread people giving me more stuff to try and fit in it. With my Mum it was clothes rather than toys and eventually I had to just stop accepting things as she wouldn't stop when I asked her to stop.

OP it’s impossible to know from your post whether you’re BU or not. Different generation things could be dangerous eg not using a proper car seat or smoking round the kids. So fair enough if she called you out on those. Gifts for the kids could be junk she doesn’t want cluttering up her house. Etc.

My MIL and I aren’t the best of friends but she’s a brilliant MIL from a grandparenting point of view.
Never buys the kids things that aren’t either useful (eg jammies) or she’s checked with us first. If she offers advice she does it in a really kind way - she’ll often say things like ‘I’m sure it’s all changed now but when you and DH were kids…’ or ‘I don’t know if people still do this but DFIL and I used to…’ She loves having the kids alone but never pressures us to leave them with her. Boundaries wise she’s amazing. So you could take a leaf out of her book and see if your DIL becomes less negative?!

Does your son say thank you? That should be enough surely.

Re the gifts, context is needed. If they are trying to raise their kids without an huge excess of toys/plastic tat, and you bring a present twice a month, then you are unreasonable. But if you buy thoughtful gifts twice a year, then your son is being unreasonable not to accept them gladly (assuming they are age appropriate and not enormous size-wise).

Re the negativity, can you give a couple of examples?

The examples don’t exactly back up your idea that your DIL is so negative and such a problem.

When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
As they are her kids this seems fair and reasonable.
Small gifts often rejected as it’s not what kids would like.
Are you buying things the kids have no interests in? Do you take an interest in their likes?

my oh my, sense a bit of projection going on here @ThatTealViewer , you sound angry. How about saying thanks to anyone who babysits your kids, regardless of what husband does. How about not telling anyone what to do when they are doing you the favour (sounds like micromanaging) and certainly how about not being rude enough to give gifts back to the giver with a negative comment. Lots of DILs who'll be shocked when they become MILS, shocked I tell you. 😂