Negative DIL

But we have been accused of being bigoted when giving certain name to a foreign restaurant! Maybe generational.

And maybe you are, in fact, racist bigots.

#teamDIL

What name did you give it? If it was racist then I'm not surprised they made that accusation.

Disagree here. It depends what people are told to do and how they are told. Yes, the protocols for some things have changed but the DIL sounds patronising to me. I would never, ever have refused a gift for my DD even if I hated it. You accept gracefully and re-gift or donate. Very poor manners to refuse a gift.

I also find it weird that you expect to be thanked for babysitting your DGC?

What? You don't thank your family members if they step in to babysit or do childcare? They've given up their time, maybe turned other things down, to look after your child, and you don't think a thank you is appropriate?

I've had my grandchild for childcare today, ti cover a training day when her parents eere at work. I love having her, and offered without hesitation. We had a lovely day. But I'm on my own, 69, and I admit that since she left home I've been flaked out of the sofa. It's tiring. And I had to reschedule an appointment to do this.

When my DD picked her up, she thanked me, gave me a hug, and said how much she appreciated me stepping in. And I appreciated her expressing that. I don't know whether I'd have noticed the absence of a thank you, but if I never got one, I absolutely would.
I say thank you to supermarket workers. Why would I not thank someone for stepping in to look after my child when needed?

This.

I also find it weird that you expect to be thanked for babysitting your DGC? Do you expect this every time?

That is a huge assumption. I fail to see how you even got to this as she said her DS and DIL both treat them the same. We are hearing one side of the story. We don't know the history of this at all.

OP, why not just sit them down and ask if there is anything they need or can do to make their lives easier. Having kids is rough and you don't know everything going on in their lives. Communication is key as well as showing you care about them as a family.

Maybe they talked about getting eg. a highchair and have specific one in mind and then MIL buys one that just isn't their taste. There is buying exactly what they want and buying a thing they want but it not being to their taste and suiting their home. If they need a highchair and you want to buy it for them buy the one they want not the one You Want. That type of thing.

I am more interested in the views you express she doesn't like. Frankly if you or your husband are spouting any form of bigotry, ardent Farage/Trump supporters, saying things like Andrew Tate and Tommy Robinson are top blokes and Brexiteers I can see her point. If this is the type of stuff you spout in her or your grandkids' presence I suggest you just hold off giving these types of opinions in her presence

I would always thank grandparents for presents and for babysitting, that’s just manners. But moving forward I would check with dil before buying anything in the future.
I would take note of how they want things done and comply even if I secretly didn’t agree.
Regarding generational gripes try to ignore.
I think back to generations that didn’t have washing machines, dishwashers, freezers, etc now that must have been hard.
Have you always had a strained relationship with DIL?

Again, more examples of specifics would be helpful to understand how to approach this.

On the gifts, I'm confused, there's something they wanted and couldn't afford. So you bought it. But then they said actually the children wouldn't like it after all?

Is there a bigger financial issue here?
for example, if they’re really struggling financially, it may rankle if you buy them small gifts but haven’t offered financial support IF you could easily afford to. Not saying you should have to, of course, but I’ve been in a similar situation and it was very annoying.

Sit them both down and calmly and kindly ask them if you and your hubby have upset them somehow. Explain you've noticed a bit of an atmosphere towards you and hubby and you'd rather know if you've done something untoward. Make sure you don't sound accusing, just curious and in the spirit of hoping to put things right!

I suspect there's something going on between the two of them, you will probably be able to work that out from their reaction to you.

They usually bother to hide it though out of consideration for their partner.

When the gloves come off, it's usually a reflection of being pissed off with their partner as well.

Where does your son feature in this?

Can you give one for example please?

what was the gift or what was it that you said? What was the response?

Snappy with your husband or your son?

There's a lot going on under the surface, all does not sound well behind closed doors. That is probably a reason why she is snappy, he bites his tongue but that's not always a good thing either. Resentment can build up over time.

Gosh that’s a big assumption from the information shared here. Happily married people can find their inlaws difficult and vice versa.

Our DIL is so negative about everything

Where is your son in all this?

We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.

Are you filling their home up with crap, or clothes that they won't put them in as your style not theirs, or toys that are too old/young/take up space/they don't need more of. You might have the best intentions, but stop buying things unless you ask first and/or get suggestions.

What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.

Examples? Some people do come across as negative generally, do you think it is only reserved for you?

When we look after the kids we are told what to do.

Why type of things? I would tell my own mum what to do when she had dc - when his naps times were as he was a demon when he got home if he was out of routine, don't fill him up with crap as he'd feel ill later, no fizzy juice as he is only 3 etc. If anyone is a regular presence in a child's life it makes sense there is consistency.

Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.

Same as before, stop buying stuff they (the parents) don't want.

I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

You have two ears and one mouth. Might be worth listening and working out where you are going wrong.

Ironically your post is just negative without any substance to what the actual issues are.

Based on your post, I would suspect marital problems between your DS and DIL and she may well be an ex-DIL soon. Ime women can put up with a lot from their PIL with a good grace as long as they feel happy and supported in their marriage so no need to snipe. The sniping starts when the relationship is on the rocks and partners are no longer willing to tolerate each other's family because they love and care about each other.

I think OP that you will get responses that side mainly with your DiL as people will be doing a lot of projecting about their own MiLs. Also there is an unfortunate culture on here where mums somehow go from right by default to wrong by default the day their son gets married.

I'm a MiL and I can only tell you my experience. Which is that my DiL wouldn't dream of telling me how to look after her child, she trusts me and if she didn't she'd presumably not allow me to do childcare. Nor would she dictate to me what I could buy for the children. She likes that I treat them and sees the good relationship they have with me as positive. For my part, I respect her and will always check with her about anything specific she doesn't want me to do or buy. We are not snide with each other. If I put my foot in it and say the wrong thing she will roll her eyes and we'll laugh and she'll threaten to start a thread on here about me. To me that's normal behaviour for a family, not the constant need to pussy foot around each other, and I'm sorry that's your experience.

I’m lucky to have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. We’re very different but it’s based hugely on mutual respect.

I know she finds me overbearing and micromanaging sometimes - but she sucks it up and I know that, whatever she thinks, she respects DH and I too much to contradict us.

we have had an issue with her getting endless plastic tat + sweets - but have got round this by reminding her that tat and sweets get forgotten very quickly - but quality time with DC doesn’t. They genuinely value a trip to the park and a hot chocolate treat so much more than random toys. We agree toys in advance so I know she’s getting stuff the children really want (and I give her first pick of the Christmas list so she can give the gift she wants from it)

but realistically - most of our good relationship is down to her. when I was in the grips of post partum anxiety she gave me SO much grace. I was pretty ungrateful and irritable and isolating. I was basically a dick. I am so so grateful that she was calm + wise enough to have faith it would pass.

I would probably…

1. check gifts in advance - maybe with your son
2. proactively ask what the schedule should be if you’re baby sitting
3. model gratitude by thanking them for trusting you / saying thanks for a lovely time to DGC etc

Maybe she’s just a prat, but even if she is, killing her with kindness is the way to maintain positive relationships with your DGC